Six months later...

[bigman1]

Dude, Dude, Duuude!

 

Let me offer this thought process to help you bridge the gap that seems to be here.

 

You don't have to throw away 11 years of marriage. You don't have to get a divorce. You don't have to do anything that ends your marriage. I hope that is clear. Now, the hard part.

 

You do have to get the truth. Her word counts for nothing. Do the polygraph. You don't have to believe in them. (most who want to stay in the dark, say they don't believe in them.) This is not religion. This is an investigatory tool. Sometimes, the request yields confessions. The parking lot yields confessions. The failed test raises questions and yields results. The passed test erases questions. It is a win-win.

 

Her word, at this point, counts for nothing. She has lied, cheated, lived a lie, covered it up, and kept you in the dark the whole time. She's been an expert at deceiving you. PERIOD. Just PERIOD.

 

You do this stuff and then you are well on your way to saving your marriage. You don't and then you find out more stuff later and you are going to feel worse than you do now and you will be well on your way to losing your marriage.

 

You seem like no matter what the truth is that you are going to tough it out. It's your life and that is fine. She could confess to sex, she could produce videos and you are going to fight to move past it. You won't be the first or the last. Again, that is fine. It is your life.

 

Still, many betrayed will tell you that it was not the affair that killed their marriage, but it was the lies after the discovery of the affair. Better to know the truth. You would do well to push for a polygraph and then see what happens. Maybe you have the truth, but the experienced voices on this site have been right more times than the inexperienced betrayed trying to save their marriages. It is not even close.

 

To sum up: Get the truth thru a polygraph or get confirmation of the truth thru a polygraph, but get the truth. Right now, it does not seem that you have it. So much stuff just says you don't have it. Truth now, maybe marriage forever. Lies now, marriage more doomed than ever.

[drifter777]

Just so you know, she had sex with him. I have never seen a single case where the "EA" partners were in physical proximity of each other that they didn't have sex. I'm talking about over 100 cases of "EA" that ended up actually being PA. And like I said, zero cases that the EA stayed EA. If they can get at each other their going to do it.

 

This matters to some BH's - not so much to others. What about you?

 

Your situation seems hopeless to me since she is actively working to blame-shift and rugsweep the whole thing and you are terrified of divorce. She's got you - learn to live with it.

[somanymistakes]

Just so you know, she had sex with him. I have never seen a single case where the "EA" partners were in physical proximity of each other that they didn't have sex. I'm talking about over 100 cases of "EA" that ended up actually being PA. And like I said, zero cases that the EA stayed EA. If they can get at each other their going to do it.

 

There have been several cases of people keeping EAs non-physical that I've seen since I've been here, as posted by the OW/OM, who has no reason to lie.

 

However, in this particular case, I don't think that's what happened, I mean they already admitted they did at least something physical here. and I'm pretty sure they did more than they said. On the other hand, the OP already said he doesn't want to think about the details, so.

[WilyWill]

For me that would be the dealbreaker: she was willing to risk everything to have sex with the other man, but can now easily reject your advances with some flimsy excuse. Not only does she lack a desire to "reclaim" you, she can't even understand or accommodate your need to "reclaim" her. Items not claimed after 6 months are subject to disposal. Time to put this one in the garbage.

[road]

There have been several cases of people keeping EAs non-physical that I've seen since I've been here, as posted by the OW/OM, who has no reason to lie.

 

However, in this particular case, I don't think that's what happened, I mean they already admitted they did at least something physical here. and I'm pretty sure they did more than they said. On the other hand, the OP already said he doesn't want to think about the details, so.

 

Three years, to me means not whether they

did or did not have sex. They did have sex.

 

The only question is what did acts did they

never get done?

 

In three years very doubtful that they missed

anything.

 

Though we all for the most part agree on this

we must agree that the BH controls how much

he wants to learn about the affair. Because

once something is heard it can not be unheard

by the BH.

 

Though BH even if you do not want to know

WW's affair sex details you still should

require your WW to take a polygraph test.

 

This way you will know that you got the

real truth out of your WW.

 

Hearing WW admit to having sex with the OM

is providing you the truth while still sparing

you from hearing the details that you are not

ready to hear.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Heart, Thanks for your response to my post and the clarifications that you have given. Firstly, it is your life, you are in the driver's seat and you know where your life is headed. No one can tell you how you live your life. That said, the fact that you came to this forum and posted your story at the six month period leafs me to believe that deep down something is troubling you and you are looking for answers. We do not know your true boundaries for acceptance or non acceptance of what your wife has done/ will do in the future. We only know of the boundaries that you have stated here. Obviously, these are not all of the lot and there are some fundamental ones which are hidden deep within your subconscious mind which you may be dimly aware of or, if aware of them, do not want to air them on a forum like this. It is these boundaries that are being violated which has driven you to come here.

 

You have been given a lot of advice and opinions here. Some of it may not be relevant but most of it is pertinent. Take your time and sort out the ones you think are important and apply to your case. After that you have to make a decision. Are you going to save your marriage or not. Do not take a 'Lump it or like it' attitude from your wife. Warm wishes.

[ayoung73]

This isn’t going to be easy to read, reconciliation and trust may take years to rebuild! For me, my wife had an emotional affair, it took over two years to get back to some sort of normalcy. Jealousy, distrust, and feeling like an idiot for allowing her back into my life continue to plague me at times even now, over ten years later. Many, if not all of the latter feelings are something I need to deal with, but what I’m saying is…it never truly goes away and the one positive, our relationship is better than ever and we’re celebrating our 16th anniversary today! The Bible says forgiveness is the not only difficult, it will set you free! I thought this was a ridiculous notion, but no longer…you HAVE to forgive her and move on. Keep the lines of communication open and make sure she knows what you are feeling.

 

“Colossians 3:13: Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

 

Get some sort of confirmation, if she’s willing to work on your relationship, to rebuild it, then you both need to court one another…start fresh, make time for one another, send loving text messages, make a date night, and do what you can to make her feel special, and most of all, when there is a bump in the road and you find yourself arguing about whatever, DO NOT throw the infidelity in her face, this will only set your relationship back. It will take time, there’s a reason why she cheated, she has to deal with that and if she wants to stay with you, this is something she’ll have to work through as well. Does that make sense?

[drifter777]

There have been several cases of people keeping EAs non-physical that I've seen since I've been here, as posted by the OW/OM, who has no reason to lie.

I stand by my statement. There is always a reason for a cheater to lie. Whatever the can hold back they will and they will take it to their grave.

[HeartFullOfSoul]

I posted a thread nearly 2 years ago regarding my marriage to my wife, and the fact that she had an affair that lasted roughly 3 years. At the time I was distraught, and set about trying to save my marriage. Many of you advised me to have her take a lie detector test or outright kick her out and divorce her, feeling that she would never have the desire to redeem herself. I believed that, eventually, she would.

 

And now I’m ready to eat humble pie.

 

For the last year she has brought up separation on three or four occasions. In mid-August, just before I took my boys on a road trip to Disneyland, she announced that she had found an apartment and was moving out. I also asked her if she intended to use this separation as a time to find clarity or if it was a dress rehearsal for divorce. At first she waffled, saying “I don’t know“ but then said “I don’t think we’re going to stay married“. We then told our boys, who took it better than I thought they would though my younger son is still struggling with it.

 

She has bought several pieces of furniture, housewares, linens, etc. for her new place. She also has two new kittens (I know, it’s ridiculous).

 

But it’s two points of evidence that tell me this is the final nail in the coffin:

 

1) she took off her wedding ring less than a week later

2) when I asked her if she had made contact or been in communication with the other man she told me that she had gotten in touch with him this summer; she had heard he might be divorced and was “checking his status“.

 

Friends, it doesn’t take much more than that to say this marriage is DOA.

 

Though I feel a bit of a fool, at least I can hold my head up high and say that I gave it everything I’ve got. After weighing all the evidence I have decided to wait until the holidays are over, then will serve her with divorce papers.

 

The thing is, it gets better. About two weeks or so after she moved out, after I had grieved the last I am going to grieve over this, an old roommate of mine invited me to a dinner party at a restaurant in the city. I saw some friends there that I hadn’t seen in 20 years, among them a girl who was married (at the time) but has been single for some time. Years ago we all ran around in the same circle. At the time, she was cute but maybe a bit overweight (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and wore flannel shirts with baggy jeans. Sort of grungy but cute all the same, and I always really enjoyed her personality and our connection and conversations. When I saw her at the restaurant I did a double take because I honestly didn’t recognize this girl; she is thin, fit, hot and apparently discovered how to dress like a real woman. I was blown away. What’s more she was absolutely delighted to see me; let’s just say that she demonstrated her affection later on. It’s been so long since I’ve made out with a woman I had nearly forgotten the sensation but it all came flooding back. What an intoxicating experience!

 

Since then we have been either talking or texting daily. We have gone out on two dates, and had a simply fantastic time each time. The best part of all is that we have a built-in foundation of friendship which makes the romance that much sweeter; we have a ton in common, and she is nowhere near as uptight as my estranged wife. This woman is like a summer wind that has blown into my personal Ice Age and it’s as refreshing as you might imagine. Neither one of us are holding out any great expectations; we’re both just happy to have crossed paths again, at a later point in life where we have more wisdom and maturity under our belt. Our friendship/budding relationship is an open book. But honestly, I feel like someone who has found a lottery ticket buried deep in his coat pocket. This woman is like a hybrid of all of the best qualities of any woman that has had an impact on my life. The timing of her arrival is uncanny, considering the fact that she nearly chose not to go to the party. I’m so glad that she did, and I honestly feel more optimism and joy and freedom in my heart than I’ve felt in a long, long time.

 

It’s going to stay that way. I gave up my power once. Never again.

 

So, to all of you who advised against pursuing a partner that had checked out — you were so right. I’m just glad that I am now “woke“, and am ready for new adventures!

[Amethyst68]

I'm sorry to hear the posters here were correct but I'm glad to see you are moving on with your life.

 

I would be cautious about moving on to a new woman so soon, IMO it's best to take it slow and casual.

 

Concentrate on your boys, make sure they get through this transitional stage healthy and whole.

 

 

While I'm here:

 

apparently discovered how to dress like a real woman. I was blown away

 

As a real woman I'm curious what exactly I'm supposed to be dressing like....

[oldtruck]

Yes, I'm certain. I have made it very clear there is to be no contact. I have put the OM on notice. I have asked her off and on if there's been contact, in part to see if her answer varies, and it does not. She has removed his contact info from her phone.

 

Yes, OBS knows of the affair and sent a text to both my spouse and I indicating she knew.

 

As to proof it was only emotional, she has sworn that they did not have intercourse. She offered to get a blood test, etc. There was physical contact, so it wasn't purely emotional -- I only meant that in terms of intercourse.

 

how do you this was not the om pretending it was the omw?

 

you do not unless you confirm it in person.

[oldtruck]

good for you

you found a good woman

 

refusing sex was the WW wanting to remain faithful to her om proof that the affair

never ended. She waited underneath the radar for the om. I would let the omw know

so she can protect herself

Edited September 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[mark clemson]

Sorry to hear about the marriage/stbX, and good for you!

[HeartFullOfSoul]

I'm sorry to hear the posters here were correct but I'm glad to see you are moving on with your life.

 

I would be cautious about moving on to a new woman so soon, IMO it's best to take it slow and casual.

 

Concentrate on your boys, make sure they get through this transitional stage healthy and whole.

 

 

While I'm here:

 

 

 

As a real woman I'm curious what exactly I'm supposed to be dressing like....

Ha ha, that’s one “male ignorance” strike — I’m now 3-1.

 

What I really meant, and it’s hard to convey because I remember how we all dressed back then as we were either in college or making $15/hr, is that she dressed like we all did at the time: flannel, t-shirts, ripped jeans, hoodies. There’s nothing inordinately wrong with those things. But to see her transformation was startling to say the least; she looked like she had left the college gear behind and matured a lot in the intervening years. So let’s just say she looked fabulous and leave it at that. ;-)

 

Thanks for the reminder to take it slow and keep my kids my number one priority. They absolutely are. The fact that she isn’t bothered by that fact, or that I have kids in general, is really nice.

[HeartFullOfSoul]

good for you

you found a good woman

 

refusing sex was the WW wanting to remain faithful to her om proof that the affair

never ended. She waited underneath the radar for the om. I would let the omw know

so she can protect herself

OMW knows already. Thanks for the heads up.

[aliveagain]

HFOS, sorry to hear that things didn't work out the way you wanted. Staying for the children is the wrong reason to remain married to someone who doesn't respect their marriage vows. Your soon to be ex wife chose to have an affair, three years is a long time. She gave up on you and the marriage before the affair started, you were three years behind her when you learned of their affair. Unfaithful people spend time thinking about the worst case scenario before jumping into an affair. The worst case is usually you finding out and divorcing her so she knew what could possibly happen yet still went for it. You and your children were not enough to stop her.

 

She knows that she will have her children for at least 50% of the time and maybe more. What hurts is the fact that the POS other man may be raising your kids if they get together. There is nothing you can do to change that unless you can prove she is an unfit mother. My best advice to you is get the best lawyer you can afford and keep as much of your equity as you can so your not financing their new love nest. Protect your children, be the best father you can be and learn how to co parent with her but please understand, staying her friend doesn't have to be part of it.

 

Enjoy your new rediscovered friend, expect your ex to attempt to pull you back in once she learns another woman is interested in you. Don't waste anymore time on a part time wife who is in love with someone else. Negotiate the best deal you can with her now because once she finds out about your new relationship she is going to be pure evil. Your life is just starting, stop giving her the power to effect it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thanks for the reminder to take it slow and keep my kids my number one priority.

 

Going to echo this cautionary alert. I didn't date for a year after my divorce (focused on son and career) and, even with that buffer, had trouble not reading too much into the first relationship I had. Like someone released after years in prison, it's tough to adjust to a new life with very different parameters.

 

Enjoy, just don't get carried away...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HeartFullOfSoul]

AliveAgain, I have thought about just that (OM being a stepdad/etc). Makes me want to vomit but I’m fairly certain it won’t come to that — that relationship is going to crash and burn at some point, it’s just a matter of time, b/c the OM (I know him) is pretty shallow and one dimensional and does not love himself. Without love of self you cannot fully love another. My WW will see through this, eventually (I will give her credit for having at least half a brain), and the relationship will die it’s just death. At that point, whoever is in her future will be a neutral force and, provided he isn't a total d*** I guess I can deal with it. I’m not going to put off my own personal happiness. No matter what happens, my kids will ALWAYS think of me as Dad b/c I remind them constantly of my love and devotion to them, and they feel it and respond likewise despite all the s*** we have all been through.

[elaine567]

Enjoy, just don't get carried away...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Too late...

The marriage only ended in August...

 

OP

You grabbed onto the first woman who showed you any interest...

Calm down...

[DKT3]

I dont think it's too soon for a couple reasons. 1. Marriage has been dead for years, why they stayed together so long only they know, I suspect it's because it took OM that long to leave his wife or have her be done with him. 2 this woman is someone he was interested in prior and had a friendship with.

 

OP I will caution you about something that I can almost guarantee will happen. Your wfe likely never stopped the affair, there was no reconnecting it never stopped. This has likely created a fantasy life in her mind, no man can live up to a women's fantasy. He will disappoint very soon and she will start sniffing around.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

OP

You grabbed onto the first woman who showed you any interest...

Calm down...

 

Based on this description, you might be right:

 

Since then we have been either talking or texting daily. We have gone out on two dates, and had a simply fantastic time each time. The best part of all is that we have a built-in foundation of friendship which makes the romance that much sweeter; we have a ton in common, and she is nowhere near as uptight as my estranged wife. This woman is like a summer wind that has blown into my personal Ice Age and it’s as refreshing as you might imagine. Neither one of us are holding out any great expectations; we’re both just happy to have crossed paths again, at a later point in life where we have more wisdom and maturity under our belt. Our friendship/budding relationship is an open book. But honestly, I feel like someone who has found a lottery ticket buried deep in his coat pocket. This woman is like a hybrid of all of the best qualities of any woman that has had an impact on my life. The timing of her arrival is uncanny, considering the fact that she nearly chose not to go to the party. I’m so glad that she did, and I honestly feel more optimism and joy and freedom in my heart than I’ve felt in a long, long time.

 

HeartFullOfSoul, you're reacting as much to your situation as you are to her. You don't do either of you any favors by going too far too fast...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Indeed, my father did this after the death of my mother. Less than two months after she died, he grabbed onto the first single woman who happened to cross his path.

 

Anytime I expressed concern, I was told how wonderful she was and how exciting it was to be in a new relationship. Needless to say, I hear a lot more complaints today - things that he failed to see when he had his rose coloured glasses on in the early days of the relationship.

 

Slow and steady is a good plan. There is a reason why it is recommended that you not make any big decisions for a year after a significant loss - whether it be a death or a marriage.

[SummerDreams]

Some observations: The OP was saying two years ago that he and his W love each other, they were trying to fix the problems and he was seeing from his W that her love for him is real. It was never mentioned that they stopped loving each other and they would stay for the kids.

 

 

Two years later, the W decides to leave and within a month the OP finds a new woman and is happy. No mention about the love he was swearing both he and his W had for each other, no mention about him being hurt that his W left him, no feelings about the divorce mentioned whatsoever.

 

 

And it leaves me wondering, where has this so called love gone? Was it ever there after the DD? Or was it an excuse to keep a failed marriage "for the kids"?

[pepperbird]

My guess ( and sorry for speaking for you OP, and correct me if I am wrong)

 

It sounds very much to me like the OP did what many BS do. He was still in love with his wife and his world was turned upside down. As he began to pick up the pieces, his love began to wither. I heard once that a marriage is like a garden that needs to be carefully watered and tended. While bullsh@t may be an excellent fertilizer in the horticultural world, in a relationship, it's a killer.

 

I think he still has feelings for his wife, and maybe he always will. I don't know. The thing is that her actions have succeeded in driving him away.

 

Op, I echo the sentiments about taking your time. there's nothing bad about being a relationship, so long as you are upfront with the woman about your marriage ending so recently. Don't allow yourself to become attached too quickly, as that's not fair to either of you.

[Maddie82]

Yes, I'm certain. I have made it very clear there is to be no contact. I have put the OM on notice. I have asked her off and on if there's been contact, in part to see if her answer varies, and it does not. She has removed his contact info from her phone.

 

But has she really? It's likely she has just put him under a different name in her phone. Or perhaps she has a hidden burner phone that they contact each other on. 3 years is a long time for an emotional affair. Deep feelings will have developed between them. They would've had a big dependence on each other and it's not going to go away over night. You are not around her 24/7 so you can't be sure that they are not in contact in any way.