Girlfriend and chronic HEALTH issue crossroad

[Caramelpopcorn]

Yes i was informed that she could transmit it even though she is inactive but the chances are low.You cant transmit it? Its a 100 times more infectious then HIV and it is a very very serious virus. Yes one may or may not get active but that depends on a lot of other factors too. And are you saying that just because the chances of transmission are low the risk should be taken? why on earth should i not get the chance to protect myself (with vaccination) wether infectious or not? HER own sister is active right now and she takes an injection every week and has to do so for over an year! are you downplaying the seriousness of this virus? some countries dont allow people with this to come in! AND lastly, its a lifelong issue, not something that will go away in a couple of years so definitely i should be informed AT LEAST before sex. We are 23 btw.. not so young so it cant be a 'mistake'. And we didnt just have sex once..we had it loads of times before she told me!

You sound just like her actually in saying that im making a small thing big. What IF i was infected. Also, when she did reveal it i asked her what hep b is and she told me something along the lines 'its an extra cell in my body, everybody has extra cells'. She very well knows its a virus and what it is so she has just been downplaying this whole thing.

I mean what about morality, trust, honesty, being genuine. this is more like planned, manipulation etc..SURE i didnt expect her to tell me on the first date, or even the first month but at least within 2 months and finally AT LEAST before having sex so many times. We didnt just have sex once where she avoided mentioning it. we had it many times over 3 months..sometimes daily.

 

Why didn't you use a condom? Really? This goes without saying. I think she definitely messed up not telling you but your OWN sexual protection should be something you are proactive about. Don't wait on a partner to come clean or not! People lie!

[Redhead14]

Owning our own responsibility for the situations we find ourselves in allows us to focus more clearly and get real with ourselves about our future activities. He needs to accept that he is where he is because of his own failure to protect himself not just that she was irresponsible.

 

How many people has he had unprotected sex with who knew they had something and didn't tell him or didn't know? That's a scary question, isn't it?

[SammySammy]

Redhead, with all the respect I owe you and as someone who lives with a contagious virus, I am telling you at the moment we learn we have a contagious illness it is 100% our responsibility to warn our partner before sex. You cannot go around this one.

 

It's not the same has having sex with someone then later discovering you were carrying something. In one case you are just being stupid and in this case here someone is being fully aware they are playing with someone's health.

 

Having stupid unprotected sex without know you carry something isn't criminal, this case here is.

 

She's had it since birth. She was a virgin. How many of us screwed up our first sexual encounter? As much as we want to bash her, I can see how she might not have known how to handle this properly in the moment. Then not know how to deal with the aftermath.

 

She had successfully avoided sex until this guy. She might not have intended to have sex with him. Apparently she likes him and she made a huge mistake.

 

If she was experienced sexually then I would be agreeing with you 100%. I think you're right on most things anyway.

 

But, in this case, I can give the girl the benefit of doubt. I don't think she intended to harm him. She just handled it poorly. Possibly due to inexperience, shame, fear, or other factors.

[Gaeta]

it is 100% our responsibility to warn our partner before sex. -- It is 100% the responsibility for everyone to take responsibility for their own sexual health and exposure potential because NOT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHER PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVE, GAETA.

 

In a perfect world, everyone who has a virus/disease is diligent/respectful/intelligent enough to do what they should do. And, not enough people do that or else there wouldn't be so many people who are being exposed.

 

We cannot count on everyone to be upfront and honest unfortunately. Therefore, it falls on us.

 

The reality is that what's worse than someone who knows they have a virus or disease, etc. and not telling, is those millions of people who have never been tested and going around blindly having unprotected sex. There are a ton more of these situations than this one.

 

I agree, she should have told him. He should dump her. But right now, he needs to tend to HIMSELF and his health first. She's irresponsible, no question about that.

 

I agree with everything and agree he needs to look out for himself first.

 

His question is about feeling betrayed and feeling he's been trapped. He doesn't know what to do with the relationship. He should dump her because what she did is unforgivable. Yes he was stupid and he should have used protection but what SHE did is unforgivable and he should dump her.

[Caramelpopcorn]

You both screwed up big time, not using protection, not coming clean about her condition, your unfair accusations to her (trapping you by blinding you with love?)

 

Get tested, you're probably FINE, she's FINE, break up and move on. You're not equipped to handle this condition, not everyone is.

 

Learn your lesson, use a freaking condom. Be responsible for yourself, not everyone will be responsible.

[Gaeta]

She's had it since birth. She was a virgin. How many of us screwed up our first sexual encounter? As much as we want to bash her, I can see how she might not have known how to handle this properly in the moment. Then not know how to deal with the aftermath.

 

She had successfully avoided sex until this guy. She might not have intended to have sex with him. Apparently she likes him and she made a huge mistake.

 

If she was experienced sexually then I would be agreeing with you 100%. I think you're right on most things anyway.

 

But, in this case, I can give the girl the benefit of doubt. I don't think she intended to harm him. She just handled it poorly. Possibly due to inexperience, shame, fear, or other factors.

 

*sigh* I didn't get she was virgin. Now I am gonna get super upset at OP for not using protection with a virgin!!

[d0nnivain]

Even if we did not have any sex at all..shouldnt i have known well before six months anyways?

 

She had no obligation to divulge her health history to you until you two were ready to become intimate. Before that it was none of your business.

 

As for the failure to use protection -- that is on you both. Virgin or not, the teach sex ed in middle school these days. Part of the point of protection is to prevent STDs not just to prevent pregnancy.

[Gaeta]

You both screwed up big time, not using protection, not coming clean about her condition, your unfair accusations to her (trapping you by blinding you with love?)

 

These are not unfair accusations. I live in the world of being contagious and having to tell and it's a VERY common practice amount contagious insecure people to wait till the guy (or girl) is attached to tell them. It's done out of fear. It's still not right.

[Caramelpopcorn]

These are not unfair accusations. I live in the world of being contagious and having to tell and it's a VERY common practice amount contagious insecure people to wait till the guy (or girl) is attached to tell them. It's done out of fear. It's still not right.

 

It's the wording, how she wanted to blind him by love? Attached or not, it doesn't mean he can't break up or end it, he's making it seem like she tied his hands and kidnapped him or brainwashed him and now he's stuck and can't leave. He's not taking responsibility for anything he's done. He's not taking responsibility for his own feelings, his commitment or sexual health.

[d0nnivain]

These are not unfair accusations. I live in the world of being contagious and having to tell and it's a VERY common practice amount contagious insecure people to wait till the guy (or girl) is attached to tell them. It's done out of fear. It's still not right.

 

 

Eh. . . you live this I don't. I'm not going to lambaste somebody for waiting & feeling like they are more solid ground before making the disclosure.

 

The problem here is that the OP's GF did not tell him until after the sex. IMO, that is part that makes this wrong / borderline criminal.

[Caramelpopcorn]

She had no obligation to divulge her health history to you until you two were ready to become intimate. Before that it was none of your business.

 

As for the failure to use protection -- that is on you both. Virgin or not, the teach sex ed in middle school these days. Part of the point of protection is to prevent STDs not just to prevent pregnancy.

 

THANK YOU, sir. Also, trapping him would have been her trying to get pregnant, which still would have been his fault too, lack of use of protection.

[Gaeta]

She had no obligation to divulge her health history to you until you two were ready to become intimate. Before that it was none of your business.

 

I don't really agree. Any health concern should be told early in a relationship if you are at risk or if your partner with the illness risk needing health care and support from you. Everything from MA, to heart condition to diabetes, to high blood pressure to....

 

As for the failure to use protection -- that is on you both. Virgin or not, the teach sex ed in middle school these days. Part of the point of protection is to prevent STDs not just to prevent pregnancy.

 

 

They teach sex in middle school and US still has a rocket high teen-girl pregnancy. A young girl that never had sex is easily influenced by the sweet words of a sexually active man.

 

A man that's sexually active for a while telling a virgin 'it's ok baby I will pull out on time' or 'it's ok baby I am clean' or 'it's ok to not use protection' isn't new to this world. The girl is in love, has no experience and eat every word the guy says.

[d0nnivain]

THANK YOU, sir. .

 

You're welcome but I'm a woman.

[Caramelpopcorn]

You're welcome but I'm a woman.

 

Thank you, girlfriend!

[d0nnivain]

A man that's sexually active for a while telling a virgin 'it's ok baby I will pull out on time' or 'it's ok baby I am clean' or 'it's ok to not use protection' isn't new to this world. The girl is in love, has no experience and eat every word the guy says.

 

Some naïve silly girls maybe. I doubt you were ever that ditzy; I know I wasn't.

 

Still that is exactly why it's partially the OP's fault for not suiting up. His desire to bareback a virgin may now have dire consequences for him.

[SammySammy]

It's the wording, how she wanted to blind him by love? Attached or not, it doesn't mean he can't break up or end it, he's making it seem like she tied his hands and kidnapped him or brainwashed him and now he's stuck and can't leave. He's not taking responsibility for anything he's done. He's not taking responsibility for his own feelings, his commitment or sexual health.

 

Agreed.

 

It seems that folks are willing to put all of the blame on her.

 

While I agree she should have told him, I can see how she might have gotten caught up in the situation with no ill intent toward him at all.

 

Maybe both of them need to be more responsible.

[Gaeta]

It's the wording, how she wanted to blind him by love? Attached or not, it doesn't mean he can't break up or end it, he's making it seem like she tied his hands and kidnapped him or brainwashed him and now he's stuck and can't leave. He's not taking responsibility for anything he's done. He's not taking responsibility for his own feelings, his commitment or sexual health.

 

It's probably my wording English is my second language. Like I said it's common among people that fear telling. Yes the guy is free to break up but it's harder and some men will stay.

 

She admitted she feared telling him. She waited and waited out fear. She knew with time chances were he would still stick around.

 

One of my very good friend is an insecure woman, she told her current bf after months and sex together. He was mad as hell but he stayed, he was already in love.

 

I am not excusing him at all for having unprotected sex, he is responsible for himself, but I am more outraged at her behavior maybe because I am a virus carrier.

[Caramelpopcorn]

It's probably my wording English is my second language. Like I said it's common among people that fear telling. Yes the guy is free to break up but it's harder and some men will stay.

 

She admitted she feared telling him. She waited and waited out fear. She knew with time chances were he would still stick around.

 

One of my very good friend is an insecure woman, she told her current bf after months and sex together. He was mad as hell but he stayed, he was already in love.

 

I am not excusing him at all for having unprotected sex, he is responsible for himself, but I am more outraged at her behavior maybe because I am a virus carrier.

 

Haha oh I meant HIS wording not yours. English is also my second language. Sorry just wanted to clarify that I wasn't talking about you.

[Redhead14]

It's both their responsibilities PERIOD. Having said that, he's never been tested for anything and having unprotected sex with people including his VIRGIN girlfriend.

 

 

They were both irresponsible. If they love each other so much, they can own that and forgive one another and live together as two people with hepatitis (assuming he did get it) or they can move on from each other. If he doesn't have it yet, is he going to keep using protection for the rest of their lives if they did marry? They will need to use condoms and dental dams to protect him. He's going to have to use protection from now on with anyone else anyway which includes dental dams. All I'm saying is that if they love each other so much and had planned to marry, etc., the damage is done and they can still be together.

 

I'm not really advocating staying together, but if they really can't move on, they can try to work this out.

[Caramelpopcorn]

It's both their responsibilities PERIOD. Having said that, he's never been tested for anything and having unprotected sex with people including his VIRGIN girlfriend.

 

 

They were both irresponsible. If they love each other so much, they can own that and forgive one another and live together as two people with hepatitis (assuming he did get it) or they can move on from each other. If he doesn't have it yet, is he going to keep using protection for the rest of their lives if they did marry? They will need to use condoms and dental dams to protect him. He's going to have to use protection from now on with anyone else anyway which includes dental dams. All I'm saying is that if they love each other so much and had planned to marry, etc., the damage is done and they can still be together.

 

I'm not really advocating staying together, but if they really can't move on, they can try to work this out.

 

That's a really good point, how it would work long term, also that there's a chance she'd pass it to their kids.

 

Is a Cure for Hepatitis B Coming? Experts Say Yes - Hepatitis B Foundation

 

Also, to the OP, I've to tell you that dealing with liver disease is heartbreaking if it does get bad. My dad had Hep C and it ruined his liver and kidneys even after two transplants. He just died a horrible miserable death in May. I just had to give you this little warning.

Edited September 7, 2017 by Caramelpopcorn

[viviva]

it is 100% our responsibility to warn our partner before sex. -- It is 100% the responsibility for everyone to take responsibility for their own sexual health and exposure potential because NOT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHER PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVE, GAETA.

 

In a perfect world, everyone who has a virus/disease is diligent/respectful/intelligent enough to do what they should do. And, not enough people do that or else there wouldn't be so many people who are being exposed.

 

We cannot count on everyone to be upfront and honest unfortunately. Therefore, it falls on us.

 

The reality is that what's worse than someone who knows they have a virus or disease, etc. and not telling, is those millions of people who have never been tested and going around blindly having unprotected sex. There are a ton more of these situations than this one.

 

I agree, she should have told him. He should dump her. But right now, he needs to tend to HIMSELF and his health first. She's irresponsible, no question about that.

 

Now that makes more sense!

[viviva]

First of all guys, I got tested and i am not infected..in fact i had been immunised as a baby (she could have asked if i was immunised at least? - its not like the spread of this hep b can not be contained - IT CAN WITH VACCINATIONS!

 

Second - I did use a condom the first few times! So i did not 'bareback a virgin' but at a later time we did it for a bit without one (but not the whole time).

 

And what about oral? if i went down on her without protection?

 

Also, how do you not get that we did NOT just have sex once..some of you are saying it was an innocent mistake..we had sex many times with condoms (around 30 times at least) but this heb b was never revealed to me till 6 months in to our relationship. Im madly in love with this girl and thats why im even here..otherwise i would have dumped her straight..but its got me thinking..what was her intention! Have sex with him, show him that your the best person on earth, make sure he cant see his life without you, make him emotionally involved and when you feel he is 100% committed then tell him..that way he will be too blinded and the Hep B issue wont be an issue at all to him! That is why i used the words "trapped". If her hep b is a small issue like she says, then hell, thats a bigger reason to tell me earlier!

 

I agree about using protection guys - but the few times i did not use a condom for a bit i trusted her as we have literally known each other since childhood and also she was a virgin.. BUT im not giving an excuse - i agree with you people!

 

So i dont know...was it a mistake she didnt tell me for so long? did she ignore bringing it up?..was she scared?..am i to believe what she has told me? should i doubt it? i really dont know!

Edited September 7, 2017 by viviva

[d0nnivain]

Were you having sex for 6 months? How soon after you started having sex did she tell you? Again, she should have told you before sex but she was under no obligation to tell you until sex, IMO.

 

 

I would have a difficult time trusting this girl. Without trust there is no relationship.

 

 

Glad you used condoms.

 

 

Get yourself tested again in 6 months.

[viviva]

Were you having sex for 6 months? How soon after you started having sex did she tell you? Again, she should have told you before sex but she was under no obligation to tell you until sex, IMO.

 

 

I would have a difficult time trusting this girl. Without trust there is no relationship.

 

 

Glad you used condoms.

 

 

Get yourself tested again in 6 months.

 

started having sex after around 2 months ..she told me about hep after 6

[Redhead14]

First of all guys, I got tested and i am not infected..in fact i had been immunised as a baby (she could have asked if i was immunised at least? - its not like the spread of this hep b can not be contained - IT CAN WITH VACCINATIONS!

 

Second - I did use a condom the first few times! So i did not 'bareback a virgin' but at a later time we did it for a bit without one (but not the whole time).

 

And what about oral? if i went down on her without protection?

 

Also, how do you not get that we did NOT just have sex once..some of you are saying it was an innocent mistake..we had sex many times with condoms (around 30 times at least) but this heb b was never revealed to me till 6 months in to our relationship. Im madly in love with this girl and thats why im even here..otherwise i would have dumped her straight..but its got me thinking..what was her intention! Have sex with him, show him that your the best person on earth, make sure he cant see his life without you, make him emotionally involved and when you feel he is 100% committed then tell him..that way he will be too blinded and the Hep B issue wont be an issue at all to him! That is why i used the words "trapped". If her hep b is a small issue like she says, then hell, thats a bigger reason to tell me earlier!

 

I agree about using protection guys - but the few times i did not use a condom for a bit i trusted her as we have literally known each other since childhood and also she was a virgin.. BUT im not giving an excuse - i agree with you people!

 

So i dont know...was it a mistake she didnt tell me for so long? did she ignore bringing it up?..was she scared?..am i to believe what she has told me? should i doubt it? i really dont know!

 

Listen, after the first time, what difference does it really make when she told you? Done is done. She should have told you before that first time, yes. But, what were the circumstances the first time? When did you have it - # of dates? Drunk, heat of the moment? Planned? What?

 

I don't understand why you don't believe what she's told you about why she didn't tell you. Unless she's in the habit of lying to you about other things, I wouldn't doubt this.

 

And, yes, you should use a dental dam when you're having oral.

 

Have sex with him, show him that your the best person on earth, make sure he cant see his life without you, make him emotionally involved and when you feel he is 100% committed then tell him..that way he will be too blinded and the Hep B issue wont be an issue at all to him! -- There's no way for us to know that was her intention. But, it IS the way it worked out, doesn't it? And, there is no such thing as trapped. You can still bail if you want to. Frankly, the trust is broken now, so it may be difficult to recover from but not impossible.

 

was it a mistake she didnt tell me for so long? -- Perhaps, because she's had it for so long and basically a non-issue for her at this point, she just wasn't think about it at the time. Who knows. Out of sight, out of mind in a way?

 

i trusted her as we have literally known each other since childhood -- That obviously doesn't mean you know everything about her. And, not to cast aspersions on her -- how do you know for sure that she is a virgin? I'm just saying, just because you've known her since childhood, there are still lots of things you probably don't know about her because friends and dating partners are two different areas of "revelation".