kendahke Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 I welcome any advice Stay in your lane. She's 20 years younger than you and hasn't grown out of things you feel she should. She's not a 40-something with a marriage, family and divorce under her belt--she's still young and single and should not have to grow up just to keep you from being judgmental about her and the phase of life she's entitled to be in. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 I would have found her behavior unacceptable when I was 27, let alone 47. Her age is less of an issue than her maturity. The last girl I dated was 42 and wasn't quite that immature but acted like a child nonetheless. Life to her was about having fun, not planning and responsibility. As a result, things went wrong in her life. She would throw tantrums when she didn't get her way and expected the man to take on all the financial burdens. Needless to say it didn't last that long. Unfortunately it sounds like she is using you as a replacement for her father. A nice transition for her to facilitate her continued party life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Robratory Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 About 6 months ago her and her roommates decided to try LSD. When I found out about it I was so disappointed. She said she had never tried it and always wanted to. I gave this a pass because I tried LSD one time when I was 18 and in the Army. Well, you know, neither one of you is wrong, but you clearly have different outlooks on various matters. That's the real issue with a big age difference. It's more than just growing up listening to different bands. As others have pointed out, not only is she young, and not only is she possibly immature and irresponsible, but maybe being with you gives her the freedom to run a little wild. Do you pay for some of her support? You may never be able to have a relationship of equals with this woman. Maybe she'll always be the party girl you'll have to indulge as the price for having her around. Could you handle that in the long term? Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 [quote=eawards;7407817 This and the weekly pokemon go adventures (if you don't know what it is its an ap game where you run around town capturing Pokemon Monsters with your phone). . C'mon man....really??.... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 I would have found her behavior unacceptable when I was 27, let alone 47. It is not uncommon behaviour in some people who have been stuck in full time education, they are late to the party, and want to take full advantage of their new found freedom. A bit like those who married young or have been in LTR since their teens/early twenties and are now single again or they suddenly decide that they just want to do the things they feel they missed out on. Their "wild phase" is slightly delayed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 She has never worked . Her parents supported her through Grad School. She intends to work, she just has not gotten around to looking yet. She is not a party girl. She likes to have fun with her friends 3-4x per week. like all day pub crawls or attending get togethers where everyone is playing drinking games or beer pong and getting kind of very drunk. Umm...a girl who spends 3-4 days a week doing pub crawls and playing drinking games, getting drunk, is a party girl. Of course you wouldn't feel comfortable hanging out with her friends and doing their idea of fun. That's why you two are a bad match. Usually when two people start a serious relationship they incorporate and mix their friends into it. A Saturday night might be spent together with her friends or your friends, or some of her friends and some of your friends all together. You two are leading seperate lives. It's kind of like an affair where you are blissfully happy together when it's just the two of you alone in a bubble but in the real world of day to day life it just doesn't work. She does sound kind of immature and irresponsible but if you try to make her change she will only come to resent you. She clearly prefers her friends and her games over spending time with your kids. She just got through school and is still dependent on her parents. How on earth do you think she is going to be able to turn herself into a responsible wife and step parent? Sounds like she has at least 10 years of growing up to do before she will be even remotely ready for that kind of responsibility, and then she'll probably want kids of her own. Do you want babies when your in your mid fifties? That's kind of a moot point because it's doubtful that she will still be with you then. When I was in my late teens and twenties I tended to go for guys about 10 yrs older than me because guys my age seemed so immature but after I turned 30 the maturity thing stopped being an issue and I started to gravitate towards guys my own age or even a year or two younger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Purrrfect Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 When I was 19/20 I dated a 27 year old who was starting up a hugely successful company he wound up selling for 10's of millions. I was immature but still had an apt with a roommate and I worked full time. We wound up breaking up As he was looking for a Jackie O and I was a Marilyn. How does this woman support herself? Is she counting on you to pay her bills? Why would anyone want to try LSD? Take away your money and status would she still be interested in a 47 year old? My guess not. She does sound immature. My guesss she wants to get married. Have kids. Then count on alimony and child support after the marriage fails Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 She is 27 and I am 47. When we are together, she acts very mature and we have so much in common. Okay, so.....what does a 47 year old man have in common with a 27 year old girl? That's all i needed to see...can't imagine how her parents feel about this situation unless they're looking for a free ride as well..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author eawards Posted September 6, 2017 Author Share Posted September 6, 2017 Thank you all for your advice. Most of it is genuinely helpful, some of it is a bit biased but its ok I get it. I am used to dirty looks from woman my age; it makes sense. As for her hanging out with 23 year olds, my point was not that this is wrong at all. My point was more that if her and I have such a wonderful connection and she is so mature around me and my friends, what would she have in common with a 23 year old boy? I guess i was trying to reconcile how someone can seem to have a baseline maturity level on par with mine half the time and then have anything in common with people who are so immature. I have met these boys. They are nerdy immature engineers who like to drink and smoke pot. Not the Don Juan types that you are imagining. It is just so different than me and my friends who she really really gets along well with. Kind of like two personalities. Most of you said the same thing which I really really appreciate. I think because I love this woman I have been a bit blind to her partying ways. I have not considered the fact that she has more interest in chasing Pokeman and playing Beer Pong with her friends than spending time with my children. While I do not support her, I do spoil her. I am basically screwed because I have fallen in love with this woman and I know that she is not ready to settle down and be a good partner to me and a good step mom to my kids. It is not her fault, she is just not there yet. Oh how I wish she was, but forcing this maturity will not work. I know this. I thank all of you for giving me a dose of reality. I must say this though. For those of you who automatically said or thought "well what do you expect dating a woman 20 years younger than you". That kind of thinking is kind of prejudicial isnt it? I mean sure this situation it rings true but prejudicial all the same. I can imagine my grandparents saying something similar about a mixed race couple. Just saying Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 I'm glad you've had a bit of a reality check. And it's not uncommon for people to be chameleons who can adapt to different social situations. I must say this though. For those of you who automatically said or thought "well what do you expect dating a woman 20 years younger than you". That kind of thinking is kind of prejudicial isnt it? I mean sure this situation it rings true but prejudicial all the same. I can imagine my grandparents saying something similar about a mixed race couple. Just saying It's not prejudicial to point out the link between her age and her life choices. Nor is it prejudicial to point out the link between your age and your life choices and the disparity between you both. It's just facts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author eawards Posted September 6, 2017 Author Share Posted September 6, 2017 Basil67 Yeah those quotes are reasonable. I was reffering to ones like this "Okay, so.....what does a 47 year old man have in common with a 27 year old girl? That's all i needed to see...can't imagine how her parents feel about this situation unless they're looking for a free ride as well....." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Purrrfect Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 Also your kids are only a couple years younger than her. She will never be their Stepmom. She will be Dads wife. She has no interest in your kids no honestly what happens when grandkids come? Dating a woman 20 years younger has got to come with some bragging rights? Link to post Share on other sites
2much4 Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 I don't think she's using you for your money as some others suggested. She probably likes playing adult with you and then going back to her carefree life with her younger Friends. I am about her age myself and TBH I am wondering what you are doing with her if you're looking for a wife. There is absolutely no way I would want to take over a role of stepmother at this stage of my life. She probably doesn't either. Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 This woman is clearly not ready to be in the relationship you desire. I agree she may be a bit late to the party and she's going to enjoy herself...and she can. She has financial support and has not real need to be fully responsible and has some wiggle room to take her time. How you got to the point of marriage when she is clearly not of a mindset to be in "the family way" is beyond me. The fact she has continued discomfort with your kids is a problem. It seems you latched onto an idea of what you want her to be, and not who she is. You're on two separate planes. It started out getting to know each other, and she was a lot of fun, but at some point your lives have to blend, especially with children. Are you going to be willing to produce more children if she wants them? Will her children consistently take priority over yours? Lots of crazy dynamics and as someone on the receiving end of the father sort of blowing off his own offspring for the wife's (whether he helped make them or not), it's not going to bode well for your future with your children. I don't know how old your kids are. It's important that the new woman gets on well with them. You are not only dating for you. That's a fact of reality when you have children. If your adult children don't like the new woman, that's still a lot of drama to work around. The question is if the children are just being unreasonable or not...obviously you can't plan everything around them, but it is an important issue to consider. A party girl while you expect a different lifestyle is not going to work out long-term. When you first met, it was probably part of what attracted you to her. Unfortunately, that's all she is, when probably in the beginning, you expected that it was infrequent, not constant...and that never changed, and here you sit, with a woman that avoids you and your family unless it's fun. Time to move on. You can't change her. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 His kids are now 12, 13, 14. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 As for her hanging out with 23 year olds, my point was not that this is wrong at all. My point was more that if her and I have such a wonderful connection and she is so mature around me and my friends, what would she have in common with a 23 year old boy? I guess i was trying to reconcile how someone can seem to have a baseline maturity level on par with mine half the time and then have anything in common with people who are so immature. I have met these boys. They are nerdy immature engineers who like to drink and smoke pot. Not the Don Juan types that you are imagining. It is just so different than me and my friends who she really really gets along well with. Kind of like two personalities. Ok but is that not what a lot of young people do? They act all nice and mature in front of "grown ups" like their parents, lecturers, managers etc. and when free to do what they want to do, act completely differently in front of their peers.. Even older people do that sometimes, at work they act like mature sensible people, but at the weekend they get drunk and act like idiots... She is a "student" and she has adopted the wilder aspects of the student lifestyle. I guess this is more the real her than sitting straight laced at dinner parties with your friends... Some "students" really never grow up, so you may wait a very long time. YOU don't really have "a wonderful connection", you just think you do. You want to hitch a mustang to a plough, and that isn't ever going to work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 Basil67 Yeah those quotes are reasonable. I was reffering to ones like this "Okay, so.....what does a 47 year old man have in common with a 27 year old girl? That's all i needed to see...can't imagine how her parents feel about this situation unless they're looking for a free ride as well....." I understand your perspective on the post, I really do however you brought up the question of the commonality between a 27 year old and 23 year olds interest....I thought it reaching and ironic that you could see one but not the other. On the parental side, you have a child at somewhere around 14 or so...you're 20 years older than your GF, how would you feel if your daughter at 14 began dating an 19 or 20 year old? I wasn't saying that you're a dirty old man, I was saying "how could parents see this as a positive step in her life". This in the scope of learning and developing her one life tools i.e. learning the values of dealing with her own issues, blazing her own path in life as a professional, woman, potentially mother....what skills has she had a chance to develop if she's been given the benefits but really not earned them. How could good responsible parents feel that this is good for the daughter in the long run???? Sorry you took the other road in reading the post but we can agree to disagree on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts