I dislike how effective playing hard to get is

[Cookiesandough]

Anyone notice how push-pull lite /playing hard to get is like the lifeblood of achieving and sustaining chemistry for most men and women?

 

Example:

 

This guy [out of my league socially] begged me for a date. I made the mistake of just saying yes. Then he's like "I'll see if I can figure something out" i.e. work me in to his day maybe. I just said F it because it reminded me so much of my ex.

 

 

I said "Hey, sorry! I just realized I made plans [that day]. Maybe next week or sometime this month. lol "

Then all of sudden his day is free. He magically became free all day and his "practice" was moved to the next day! Isn't that the darndest thing?

 

I also noticed *I* got turned off when he freed up his day completely for me. I'm thinking this guy is a smallish local celebrity, but he's freeing up his day for me? What's wrong with him? I don't know it just turned me off a little.

 

Yes, we all know those people you can't beat off with a stick and the people who like it, but most people within your league or higher always respond positively to push-pull tactics. Hot and cold. Show you like them, then fall away.

 

 

I see this a lot even in long-term relationships. Married couples, where the wife withholds sex and affection (to a degree; there's a very delicate balance in not over doing this or they lose interest entirely) yet it's still attainable, the husband is like a dog in heat obsessed with his wife but she's often got a headache. Then on the flip-side, you have women who are like "my husband rather beat off to pron than sleep with me even though I wear sexy lingerie and beg him for sex" hmmmmmmmmm

 

 

I read time and time and time again how so and so is 'perfect' but the relationship is just too easy. And people typically refer to this as nice guy/nice girl syndrome. Except nice is a scapegoat. It's not really the nice, but that lack of challenge. I can think of 2 things going on here, though there are probably more.

 

1) Being unavailable (but not too unavailable) creates more interest by making you seem more in demand thus artificially inflating your dating market value (scarcity principle in economics)

 

2) Excitement ups interest and anxiety ups investment. As another member put it, they bond with drama. Things in the beginning are too blah, too easy, too certain, they think 'I could probably do better' and interest drops fast.

 

/rant

Edited September 4, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Chilli]

Perosnally l don't believe in it, if l'm free l call it like it is if l'm not l'll call that too.

Can't stand bs.

 

But l do love it if she expects me to work a bit for her, l respect that in a girl and l think it's a really healthy way for her to be.

 

Funny how his day suddenly became all free, what a joke.

Wonder if he realizes you saw straight through his bs, nice goin.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If playing hard to get is necessary in today's dating world, I've just received yet another reminder of why I'm not currently dating!

[Cookiesandough]

Perosnally l don't believe in it, if l'm free l call it like it is if l'm not l'll call that too.

Can't stand bs.

 

But l do love it if she expects me to work a bit for her, l respect that in a girl and l think it's a really healthy way for her to be.

 

Funny how his day suddenly became all free, what a joke.

Wonder if he realizes you saw straight through his bs, nice goin.

lol ty

Can I ask what you mean by work a bit? You mean to get her attention or sex?

[Cookiesandough]

If playing hard to get is necessary in today's dating world, I've just received yet another reminder of why I'm not currently dating!

 

Yeah, I don't think missing out on much if you're content being single at present

[Woggle]

I never played games or hard to get or any of that. I was always straightforward and it paid off for me. If you play hard to get you might find somebody but if you try my approach you find a quality somebody.

[Woggle]

If I wanted to play games I would get a Playstation or go to Vegas or take up a sport. I don't play them in my relationships.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I've heard what you describe as the way to approach Rs so do believe there's some truth in it, but my experiences have been different than the norm, I guess. I've never played games, am always enthused when someone I really like pursues me and it's never hindered the chemistry or held back a guy from pursuing but rather revved things up. When I'm not interested in a guy is when I pull back.

 

In the case you described if I'd been available and agreed right away then the guy replied he'd see what he could work out I'd have left it at that and gotten busy with other things. If I'd heard from him, fine, if not, fine. If he needs me to be unavailable in order to be excited about dating me, I'm not interested in anything but "just friends" with him. I'm attracted to a guy who is energetic and excited about getting to know me and whom I can be responsive to. Confidence and authenticity are irresistible to me!

[Chilli]

lol ty

Can I ask what you mean by work a bit? You mean to get her attention or sex?

 

well, how to explain , maybe she's very cautious and hold backish , to start , , she needs to see l'm gonna stick around and not just after one thing , l have real feelings and that's why l wanna get to know her and spend time with her.

 

My ex gf put it perfectly, she expects a man to conquer her.or he won't be getting near her, l like that.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My ex gf put it perfectly, she expects a man to conquer her.or he won't be getting near her, l like that.

 

Does this make you feel at all like, "well why should I have to do all the work?? (Just curious as a woman)

[Woggle]

If a woman needs to conquered than I am not the man for her. She is not a country I am at war with.

[Chilli]

Maybe l'm weird but nope , no way not at all.

l love that self respect .

A special lady is well worth it.

[Chilli]

If a woman needs to conquered than I am not the man for her. She is not a country I am at war with.

 

Ahh yeah, that's sorta how it sounded to me to but she was pure Italian so l thought maybe that's just how they talked. l loved it though.

She felt right , l knew that , l could see and feel that , doesn't mean she was gonna just fall at my feet though.

To me that's pretty cool.

 

Funny , l just read your post in how you met just before this.

Dunno how l'd feel about that either but it all worked out for you so good luck to ya.

Edited September 4, 2017 by Chilli

[nospam99]

I wonder how much this is an age/generation thing. I'm recently divorced and 60-something. Right after my divorce I didn't think much about a 'relationship' (just escaped alive from the burning building ) and haven't started dating yet. Only thinking about it. But what I've noticed is that 'times have changed' and social media is a big mechanic in dating. That's all just background explanation about why my previously established attitudes may be obsolete in the 'current' environment. Regardless, I never liked and don't like gaming other people's feelings or having my own gamed. So f--k playing hard to get.

[alphamale]

1) Being unavailable (but not too unavailable) creates more interest by making you seem more in demand thus artificially inflating your dating market value (scarcity principle in economics)

 

basic economics teaches us that all things being equal when supply goes up demand goes down

[Shanex]

Good post, cookies. As an average/decent looking normal guy, trying to be a good guy. I have never played hard to get. I act friendly, don't overtext or call, and I am not doing too bad in the dating world. Currently happily coupled up.

[thefooloftheyear]

I can seem hard to get, but not in a "game" sense, I have a lot going on in my life...

 

I'm as direct as they come...I'd never tolerate, nor put anyone through any of that garbage..

 

The problem *I think*...is that now it seems like it's "choice overload", so you get this indecisiveness, based on the fact that there is so much thrown out there, it winds up being like the proverbial kid in the candy store...

 

Add to that, I really don't think people truly figure out what they really want in a partner...They waste tons of time not qualifying people properly, then it's just a game of "wash-rinse-repeat"...

 

TFY

[WaitingForBardot]

I've never been put off in the least by someone being too available, whatever that might even mean. I suppose some may have been turned off by me being too available, but I was too busy with the ones that weren't to worry about it.

[BluEyeL]

Despite what everyone is saying it is generally true, it is effective.

[salparadise]

...my previously established attitudes may be obsolete in the 'current' environment. Regardless, I never liked and don't like gaming other people's feelings or having my own gamed. So f--k playing hard to get.

 

 

I agree, but also think this thing exists on multiple levels. Any overt scarcity tactics/game playing will put me off fast. It's infuriating to be treated as lower priority than some thin excuse, and if they're actually too busy then it's either low interest or we are not compatible. I'm just not interested in dealing with someone like that, or working my ass off to see someone every week or two.

 

I went out with a woman a week ago and we had a nice time. I asked her out again for this weekend. She was warm and friendly but too busy because she was headed out of town in a few days. She's slow responding to texts too. Well, guess who I won't bother asking again. Doesn't matter what the details are, life's too short and my time is valuable too. Plus it's annoying. It might work some of the time on some people, but to me it's part of the reciprocity that I expect, otherwise it ain't happening at all.

Edited September 4, 2017 by salparadise

[preraph]

I think it works better on men because they are so competitive, but it works on some women too.

[CptInsano]

[...]

1) Being unavailable (but not too unavailable) creates more interest by making you seem more in demand thus artificially inflating your dating market value (scarcity principle in economics)

[...]

 

The issue is though that there is no scarcity of women, at least not in the US. You are also not controlling the market through a single participant. Any man with any dating experience will know that there is always an option, always.

 

You may just pull out of the market altogether with this behavior, or you end up in an inherent bad faith negotiation model, as you are not willing to risk or give up anything, with little or no intent of negotiating a tangible outcome beyond the status quo.

Edited September 4, 2017 by CptInsano

[CptInsano]

I think it works better on men because they are so competitive, but it works on some women too.

 

Yes, some men are so competitive that they will compete for the price, regardless of whether the price is worth the effort. But that also says something about that group of men, IMHO.

[Bastile]

The cycle.

 

Easy to get (scarcity) --> pretending to be hard to get (learned game) --> actually being hard to get (abundance).

 

I find that women have neurotic love. They want the man with options (and every sort of display that he has them, or can cultivate them), and then they want to cut off his options (or enforce that he neither has them, nor can create them).

[SevenCity]

It's a reality and it does work unfortunately. It's human nature - we value things more that are hard to come by and value things less if they are easy to get.

 

Think of an engagement ring. How many women would be wooed if you threw a garden rock on top of it? Not many. But a diamond is much more rare (even if that rarely is manufactured by DeBeers). If jade was the most expensive rarest stone, watch how quickly people would flock to them.

 

Look at how crazy people go for new rare items like Cabbage Patch Kids (for us old timers) or the newest iPhone. It's built into us as a species that we value things more if they are not easy to come by. Ever get excited over salt? Think how you would feel about it if there were only 20 lbs left on the planet.

 

This manifests its self in relationships as people taking you for granted; you'll always be there. Then they dump you and now you will do ANYTHING to get them back and they were the love of your life (guys seem to be most guilty of this).

 

In dating, I don't consider this so much playing games as not playing games. I asked this one girl out for a Thursday and she said "I think that should work". I did the takeaway (thanks Corey Wayne and the original sales gurus who invented it!) and said "Well if you're not sure we can do it another time when you know your schedule". She immediately agreed to the day. It was more me saying that I won't settle for a maybe and the offer isn't open ended.

 

I did it again this week where a girl was to come out to me and spend the night but started having second thoughts as it was our second date (her idea though). I said "No problem. If you're not comfortable we can do it another time". Yep, she came over (side note, I wish it hadn't worked )

 

Now there is no need for such foolishness when two people are equally excited about seeing each other. But, and I really wish this was not the case, it always seems that one person is more interested and the other has the power as a result. That power is best held by the man. We do not get turned off when a girl we like blows up our phone (within reason). But do that to a woman and she will quickly start to feel smothered and unsure about her feelings for you.

 

Women want men who lead, not those who follow.

 

Opie (had to Bogart that Cookies because I Lol'ed when I saw you type it in another thread ), this guy seems like a jerk but is probably just being human. When you made yourself scarce your value increased. He couldn't help it.

 

I don't chase women or try to win them over. Perhaps I'm too lazy, but I want a woman to chase me. I have a lot more fun with women who are super into me than those who are "meh". I'll ask them out, get showered and dressed nice, and show them a good time. But if I feel they are playing hard to get I lose interest quickly. There are no shortage of men who will fight that fight. Problem is, it's a battle you can never win....