Almost 2 years on and I still struggle...

[Itspointless]

Someone please tell me it gets easier and comes in waves.

Oh yes, it definitely works like that, although sometimes it can really be tough. But personally I cannot say life gets easy, there always is some struggle. Enjoy the beauty that is presented to you, as there is always also is some beauty present. I guess that is what matters.

[Offspring]

I just hope that people are correct in saying that burying your emotions will eventually kick you in the ass and you will have to deal with them at some point..

 

Shannon, people only know what they know and have been taught, in other words, the breadth of their experience.

 

Unfortunately, until you been through similiar, a person cannot possibly empathise with another. He has his perspective on the situation, and from what you're saying, he may have his own issues to face. You have yours.. You are feeling hurt and betrayed and that is completely understandable!

[ShannonM10]

Long story, but I finally gave into my urges and broke NC. Said all the things I wanted to say and not in an overly emotional way. Here is what I wrote:

 

Hey -----, I have debated for a long time if I should reach out to you, and finally realized I would always regret it if I didnt. You were such a huge part of my life and I miss having you in it, but I am not ready for friendship yet as I am still too hurt by what happened.

 

There have been so many things that have happened that I have wanted to share with you and I do hope one day I can do that. I just wanted you to know that I finally got to ride the snowboard you got me in New Zealand..and it was everything I could have dreamed of. I hope your Dad is doing ok and I think of everyone in your family often. Please know that you meant alot to me...and I really do feel like we had a real connection. I still struggle with how things played out, the decisions that were made and the pain it caused. If you want to talk, you know how to reach me. Everything happens for a reason and I do hope you found the happiness you wanted.

 

I felt positive about the message, as it summarizes everything Ive felt for the last few months...and I still deeply care for him and his family. As I kinda expected, no response. Which hurts..and makes me feel like I really did mean nothing to him. There could be a million reasones why there isnt a response...but Id like to hope spending such a lengthy time together and all that we shared ment something to him that he would have some reaction from it. I guess thats the issue in the end. Is now I know I did everything in my power to be the bigger person and I can walk away knowing I tried to be nice. I know I will be berated for hindering my progress, but its something I had been debating on doing for months and months and knew I would have to do it eventually. Anyways...thanks for all the support guys. I am struggling today because I feel hurt and rejected again...and that he cared that little...but its also been a long time...and dont know what he could really say to make up for what happened. I guess an apology would have been nice. But I dont think he is sorry for anything. I can walk away now, and hopefully never look back.

[TooRational]

I guess that one risk of sending such a letter, as you are experiencing, is the anxiety while waiting for a response that might never come. In the end, if the closure of sending it was worth the anxiety that you are experiencing now than good for you. Only you know.

 

Good luck in your healing progress.

[Zahara]

I hoped you would have posted here before sending that letter.

 

I read your past thread about him and he was not deserving of your note. At some point you need to learn to let go of this and start focusing on truly moving forward from this man. We often send these types of notes to provoke a reaction because the silence has been deafening. But you need to come to terms that this guy is not good for you and use that to propel you forward.

 

I hope he does not respond, because that will help you move on.

[Kelley]

I'm sorry that you didn't get a reply, and it hurt you. If it has helped you move on then it's worth it. Personally I have written several emails which I have never sent because I know that it would just hurt my healing. He has already proven he doesn't care I don't need anymore proof on the front. You take care of yourself, chin up.

[RyanO1991]

Maintaining NC is like fighting yourself. It might feel like you want to do everything you can to try to salvage what you had, but hopefully there's a small part of you that tells you it isn't the logical thing to do.

 

I hope that soon you'll be able to listen to that small part of you that tells you to move on. It's really tough but it's the right thing to do, whatever result you're hoping for.

[Trinity_84]

I have done that before with past exes, send that one last letter bearing my soul. None of the times I did it I got a response back or even some acknowledgment from the recipients. It made me feel A LOT worse to feel ignored like that, so I don't do it anymore. Now I just drop off the face of the Earth, I don't feel the need to explain/bare myself to them anymore because THEY. DO. NOT. CARE.

[Bialy]

Always post here first!!! We will talk you off the "writing your ex" ledge.

 

This thread is a lifesaver:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/556556-no-contact-support-thread-post-here-instead-contacting-your-ex

[Aboohoo]

OMG Shannon reading this whole thread is like reading about my current situation.

 

[moderator edit: the remaining text from this post has been moved to it's own thread here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/599260-my-boyfriend-has-just-ended-me-after-we-have-bought-house-together

 

~6 ]

Edited October 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
created new thread ~6

[sportygirl]

Evening ShanonM10 :-) I know you've helped me in the past and said you're in the same boat as me.... but I never really realised the extent of that until I read the post on the 9th of this month in particular. All the words you've said could have been written by me in this minute.... I think and feel everything you've said. I don't know how to help, but I wish I could.

 

Its also uncanny as the message that your sent to your ex on the 13th is what I've wanted to send for the past month (also on that 1 year mark). Do you have any regrets in sending it? I am someone that feels that they need to take action to obtain what they want in life... so hats off to you for taking the brave step to actually send that text... knowing the pain you could feel if it doesn't go the way you hoped. Do you have any regrets in sending it now?

 

Sending positive thoughts your way.... lets hope that 'time heals all wounds' thing kicks in soon :-) Hope you have a good evening.

[ShannonM10]

I wouldn't recommend it sportygyrl. He did responded..called me the next night while walking "her" dog at 1130 at night, so obviously behind her back. He proceeded to bring up our relationship, how he thinks about what he did all the time still, how it was awful and he cant get it out of his head..so felt very guilty. Stated how hes wanted to message me so many times, thinks I should hate him, brought up memories and asked me about my family. Didn't mention her once or anything about her but went on about his family and mine. I really got the impression that he wasn't as happy with his situation as I had thought for so long. He then proceeded to message me after we got off the phone going on about how amazing It felt to speak with me, how he wants to talk to me more and would be in touch. I find out a week later that he gets engaged. I have never been so devastated in my life.

Not only did he manipulate me..and failed to tell me...he was a coward yet again and I had to find out another way, without even trying to find out. How can you get engaged to someone when you feel that level of guilt, when you call your ex behind there back, when you were in my driveway 8 months prior talking about all your doubts with this person and you talk about regretting not trying and working on things. Can you really get married to someone that you've literally known for a yr?? Seriously? It felt like a lie, I spent 5 years wuith this person, he instantly replaced me..and is now engaged to her. All my friends laughed and said hes crazy, but it still made me feel sick and worthless...maybe it wont work out with them,,,and hes riding the honeymoon high still, but what a horrible thing to do...call your ex knowing your going to do that. Anyways..save yourself the pain..never thought in a million years he would respond but also wasn't expecting that. What a horrible person.

[BluesPower]

What you guys have to realize, and I am not saying that it is easy, is that guys that treat you this way are not worth your time and tears.

 

Do your best to chalk it up to lessons learned, heal, and find the men out there that deserve to have a girl like you. And, be picky, take your time, and find the right one. If one acts like a jerk, don't be afraid to dump him and move on to one better.

 

You will find someone that will treat you right.

[ShannonM10]

I hope I can get to that point as well. I go through days of acceptance and then days of extreme anger. He gets to hurt me so terribly and just walks off into a new relationship and engaged within a year? I fell like I meant nothing. But then...I was her 5 years ago...same situation, so who knows what the future holds. He cheated physically on his first gf, pretty much emotionally with me, then cheated on me emotionally with this other girl. Am I naïve to think that maybe he has changed for her and she wont be me 5 years from now? I just cant believe he proposed a year to the day we broke up, meanwhile feeding me his guilty conscience lines. He did the exact same thing to me..and a part of me maybe feels like it was my karma after getting emotionally involved with him before he had totally ended his last relationship, but where is his karma? He keeps leave a path of devastated girls behind him and doesn't look back it seems, he just gets married and lives happily ever after? ahhh injustice! lol

[Bialy]

I hope I can get to that point as well. I go through days of acceptance and then days of extreme anger. He gets to hurt me so terribly and just walks off into a new relationship and engaged within a year? I fell like I meant nothing. But then...I was her 5 years ago...same situation, so who knows what the future holds. He cheated physically on his first gf, pretty much emotionally with me, then cheated on me emotionally with this other girl. Am I naïve to think that maybe he has changed for her and she wont be me 5 years from now? I just cant believe he proposed a year to the day we broke up, meanwhile feeding me his guilty conscience lines. He did the exact same thing to me..and a part of me maybe feels like it was my karma after getting emotionally involved with him before he had totally ended his last relationship, but where is his karma? He keeps leave a path of devastated girls behind him and doesn't look back it seems, he just gets married and lives happily ever after? ahhh injustice! lol

You need to go complete no contact. That is the only way you will keep your sanity and let this disastrous situation go. This drama is not worth your time.

[Bialy]

Watch this short video:

 

 

It helped me tremendously in my own situation from several months ago.

[tenderheart27]

Hello ShannonM10,

 

I was just wondering how you were getting on?

 

Your thread is similar to what I'm experiencing now. Sending happy thoughts

[ShannonM10]

It has been a long time since I have posted so I thought I would give an update. After I found out that news, I was obviously devastated all over againe and slipped into a tail spin. Constantly asking myself how I could spend 4.5 years with someone, never fight, laugh together, take trips together, honestly Im not making it up. We had a completely normal relationship. But anyways I digress, what I meant to say is how can you spend all that time together and then get engaged to a person you emotionally cheated on your best friend and common law gf not even a day to the day you broke up a year ago. Like they knew eachother for a YEAR!! and got engaged.

It was a huge slap in the face, to invest all that time with someone thinking you have a future and then they replace you literally over night and propose in 11 months. I felt worthless, like she had something I didnt, that he really was totally happy and moved on and that I really was not on his mind.

Well, mid January I am texting my friend in bed at like 11 at night, and his number pops up on my phone. I didnt even have a chance to react cause a) I was in shock and b) he hung up after one ring. I proceeded to message my friend and be like "wtf!!". 20 min later, same thing. At first I thought maybe it was a pocket dial or his crazy fiance who sounded like a nutter from the begining. After that...another 20 min later my phone rings again..this time he doesnt hang up..it rings 4 times and then I swipe to ignore. No voicemail,no text explaining why hes calling me multiple times at midnight on a monday while engaged. Never heard anything since.

I did find out that she deleted all her social media...when that happened..but she eventually got it back and I dont ask or want to know anything anymore so have no idea.Obviously something went down and everythings smooth sailing again. On one hand it finally felt like validation..because not ONCE has he cracked and drunk dialed me or anything. On the other hand it pissed me off that he would call me and repeatedly...it wasnt an accident, it was obvious he was trying to get ahold of me.

The curiosity was driving me crazy but I am trying my best to forget it. I want so badly to hear him say he made a huge mistake....but I guess all I can take from it is that hes probably not has happy as I have imagined all this time. I still think about him alot, miss him alot...and it does seem so unfair that he hasnt suffered, as far AS i KNOW, this last year. I have been in more pain then I thought possible this last year, while he been galavanting with this chick who he overlapped me with without a thought.

Anyways, if he does try again, I havent decided if I will ignore or answer, I am very proud of myself for having the willpower to not..but..at the same time curious now and wonder what he wanted...as its now been two months. My friends all think its just a matter of time...all I know is, if I was his fiance and found that out...especially the way he went about getting with her...I would really wonder what kind of man I was marrying. Thats my news, sorry its not super positive, but on the brightside some validation was gained..and I am doing way way better then I was. I have met amazing men, dated, realised I am strong and attractive, meanwhile hes engaged to a girl thats not only desperate and lacks morals, but overweight and insecure. Also..shes engaged to a serial overlapper, and I constantly wonder if shes actually the one and he just happened to meet her while with me, but only time will tell. All I know is that karma works in mysterious ways and I hope one day he has to live with some of the consequences or guilt of ruining a really nice girls heart that loved him and whos family loved him and treated him like a son.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ShannonM10

[Bialy]

This is not a positive update. It shows you are still actively interested in what's going on with his life.

 

Even if he said he made a mistake - what good would that do a year later? Why do want his validation?

 

Would you contemplate taking someone back who treated you this way? Trust is broken. Don't idealize what you had with him - it's so easy to look at things through rose-colored lenses now.

 

What are you doing for *you* now?

[Bialy]

Do you have any family members or friends who tell you that you need to let this go and let sleeping dogs lie?

[ShannonM10]

Thank Bialy and you are right. It has been a tough go. And I have taken many strides forward. I want you to know that I haven't been sitting idly. I do not want a man back like that..and I should thank my lucky stars I am not her...as I have for the last while. I was in a bad spot when I wrote that message and spiraling....but it is no longer my concern. Its what I felt at the time...and a sort of diary entry to vent.

Edited April 24, 2017 by ShannonM10

[ShannonM10]

Mines not an altogether unusual story. You can read my previous threads if he like...basically to sum it up...live in bf of 5 years goes cold when we buy a house...breaks up with me...goes off four days later with a girl he had told.me about a month previously..basically doing the harshest thing possible to someone they claimed to love. Couple months later says he wishes he never did it but continues to stay with this chick who seems like a psycho..and couple months later again gets engaged. About three months ago he repeatedly called.me, I didn't answer. Now the curiosity is killing me. I want to maintain my will power. I have been seeing a counselor, dating around and slowly healing. I don't know what his callsent and all I wanna do is ask..it blows my mind I was with this man for five years and he got engaged in 10 months...it really really hurts. Please tell me texting him to let him know that the calls were not appreciated as they set me back and that he made his choice is a bad idea. I want so much for it to blow up in his face but that's no way to love my life....uggghhhh I hate feeling this way still.

[Pisipoisu]

I can relate to your story and I like how you are keeping the post updated. What I don't like is that you are still hurting. I know it must be incredibly hard to not know what he wanted, but try to focus on the idea, that if you contact him now, about something that happened 3months ago, it only feeds his ego that something that small as unanswered calls keep you thinking of him 3months after the incident and more than a year after the breakup. Don't give him that kind of power. You deserve HIM to chase YOU for answers and validation. You said that he thought for the longest time you were mad at him. Unless he mans up and faces his fear and contacts you again, he isn't a man enough to occupy your mind. DO NOT CONTACT HIM. Keep writing here every time you feel the need to vent. All the best and remember we are all with you and rooting for you!

Edited May 8, 2017 by Pisipoisu

[ShannonM10]

Hi there, I have a long ass story and I have posted numerous times on here about the struggle I am having being replaced by my ex of 5 years, how he is engaged to her 11 months after we broke up but randomly called me a bunch 5 months ago late at night. I had the will power not to answer. I still struggle on and off but have way better days then before. My problem is, that I have had some good and bad dating experiences....ones with potential and others that are meh. I am in no rush, cause I know I am still somewhat damaged from the betrayal, and my self confidence took a huge hit, especially because the girl he is with was a huge downgrade. The other day I was talking to this guy on bumble, he was attractive, witty and smart, then BAMB,...sends me a genital pic! Like are you KIDDING ME???? I deleted him instantly. I know that this is bound to happen on dating apps, but it blows me away..and then makes me go down a path of anger and hurt all over again.

I start to think, why the hell am I dealing with this , while my ex is ENGAGED to the FIRST chick that hit on him BEFORE WE WERE EVEN BROKEN UP!! I know I shouldn't compare at all, as I have no idea what there life is like and it cant be that great if he called me a while ago after the engagement. But still, I know life isn't fair, but how do I stop comparing? Do I just remind myself that hes no prize? That I obviously have standards whereas he/she does not? How do I stop myself from imagining that they are super happy and in love while I am single and failing at meeting a quality person. I am attractive, athletic, great job, own my own house (thanks to my ex) and have a lot to offer. I don't want to compare...I want to stop these thoughts, I try techniques, I go to counseling, Im sick of feeling like a victim and am trying not to....how do I switch the focus off him and her?

I have dated very attractive men since and had fun, I know I can get other men. But when things like that happen I am envious of how easy it was for my ex to just slide into another relationship and not have to be alone and see what else is out there, it was so easy and convenient for him, whereas I feel like I have had dud after dud and have struggled for the better part of a year and a half. Someone please tell me this is normal and in time I really wont compare anymore.

[Knix]

Stop worrying, focusing, and thinking about your ex. If it's easier, block him on social media and his cell phone number.

 

The only way you're going to move on is if you're happy with your own life. Also what people post and what is really going on are two very different things.

 

For example, I found out my first love moved to Florida to be with a girl, he moved back quickly because he cheated on her and she punched him in the nose. The grass isn't always greener. But anyways it's not heathy to want bad things for exes, just move on and focus on your own happiness.

 

Online dating is tough, but it can also be really fun! You just need a thick skin and not to put all your eggs in one basket. Date different guys, you're not in a relationship with anyone so you can try people on. Enjoy your life, sounds like your ex is trying to do the same--who can blame him.

Edited June 17, 2017 by Knix