"She's perfect but I don't see myself falling for her"

[Cookiesandough]

I was wondering if anyone could explain this to me,

 

I was reading another message board and I'm just going to paraphrase what the guy there said. He said he was looking for a rship and he met a girl who was attractive, sweet, fun to be around, really a great catch, but he couldn't see himself with her. He said she wrote him a letter admitting her feelings and he felt bad because although he doesn't feel the same. He said he doesn't want to end it because he loves spending time with her and she's a sweet girl so he doesn't want to let her go, but he knows that he just can't see himself with her and it won't get any deeper than this. He said he basically wanted to spend more time with her to see if the feelings grew, but he thinks they would have by now if that was going to happen.

 

 

I don't understand. If you think a person is attractive, sweet, fun to be around, love spending time with them, blah blah blah why wouldn't you start to get feelings for them if you're open to it? It just does not make any sense to me. The Nice Girl in me feels like this is because she's too nice, being to opaque about her interest. Maybe if she were a little more distant and hard to get? Just kidding, but I don't understand

Edited August 26, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[LivingWaterPlease]

I don't think it has to anything to do with the girl being too nice or too accessible. I would think it's because there's no chemistry there for him. This has happened to me with guys who are "perfect on paper" but who just don't do it for me. I think it happens a lot for lots of people.

[Cookiesandough]

I don't think it has to anything to do with the girl being too nice or too accessible. I would think it's because there's no chemistry there for him. This has happened to me with guys who are "perfect on paper" but who just don't do it for me. I think it happens a lot for lots of people.

 

Tysm. What do you mean no chemistry? I've never met a guy that was perfect on paper that I didn't see myself falling for, unless by that you mean what I'm *supposed* to want on paper. I do a lot of research for that paper beforehand, could that be why? Maybe people don't understand what they really want?

Edited August 26, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

That could very well be... ty

[LivingWaterPlease]

Tysm. What do you mean no chemistry? I've never met a guy that was perfect on paper that I didn't see myself falling for, unless by that you mean what I'm *supposed* to want on paper. I do a lot of research for that paper beforehand, could that be why? Maybe people don't understand what they really want?

 

Chemistry between a man and a woman, imo, is an igniting of fire, a feeling of excitement, passion and desire within a person when they meet another. For me, when I have felt it the guy always has, too, so I have just assumed in order to be termed chemistry it must be a mutual reaction to the connection.

 

I've met plenty of guys whom I considered to be great in every way whom I didn't have chemistry for so wouldn't be interested in dating, but could happily be "just friends" with.

 

I'm one who knows what she wants but am sure there must be those who don't.

 

Your statement/question, "I do a lot of research for that paper beforehand, could that be why?" has me lost, can you further explain what you mean?

Edited August 26, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[Cookiesandough]

Chemistry between a man and a woman, imo, is an igniting of fire, a feeling of excitement, passion and desire within a person when they meet another. For me, when I have felt it the guy always has, too, so I have just assumed in order to be termed chemistry it must be a mutual reaction to the connection.

 

I've met plenty of guys who I considered to be great in every way whom I didn't have chemistry for so wouldn't be interested in dating, but could happily be "just friends" with.

 

I'm one who knows what she wants but am sure there must be those who don't.

 

Your statement/question, "I do a lot of research for that paper beforehand, could that be why?" has me lost, can you further explain what you mean?

 

 

Ty. The word 'chemistry' confuses me. See, when I hear that word I think of it to mean the other person's looks, their style, their voice, their personality(like sense of humor, their pheromones (If you believe in that), etc. because when I feel 'sparks'(nervous excitement) it's because they have all of those things that I'm looking for on 'my paper'. They tick all my boxes! But then you have people who look good 'paper'(in general) they're good looking, they're smart, they have a great job, they're articulate, they're nice. But something is missing...(?)

[Cookiesandough]

Sadly, since it was written by a male most likely in his 20s and he wrote 'attractive', I think enigma32 solved this mystery. Thanks

 

 

/thread

[Imajerk17]

Don't women say stuff like this all the time though? "He's a gentleman, treats me so well, smart, kind, good job, handsome, but I just don't like him *that* way "

 

If you understand what women are thinking and feeling when they express a sentiment such as this, then you have an idea in those (rare) instances when a guy means when *he* says something like this.

[Cookiesandough]

Don't women say stuff like this all the time though? "He's a gentleman, treats me so well, smart, kind, good job, handsome, but I just don't like him *that* way "

 

If you understand what women are thinking and feeling when they express a sentiment such as this, then you have an idea in those (rare) instances when a guy means when *he* says something like this.

 

I don't understand when women say that.

[Imajerk17]

I don't understand when women say that.

 

Their rational minds are saying what a catch this person is, but they are still not feeling it in their gut, for reasons they cannot logically explain.

[Cookiesandough]

What?????! Now I am more confused than ever ....

[Imajerk17]

What?????! Now I am more confused than ever ....

 

You think people "rationally" decide whom to catch feelings for?? Have you read any of the other threads on here?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Ty. The word 'chemistry' confuses me. See, when I hear that word I think of it to mean the other person's looks, their style, their voice, their personality(like sense of humor, their pheromones (If you believe in that), etc. because when I feel 'sparks'(nervous excitement) it's because they have all of those things that I'm looking for on 'my paper'. They tick all my boxes! But then you have people who look good 'paper'(in general) they're good looking, they're smart, they have a great job, they're articulate, they're nice. But something is missing...(?)

 

Yes. Have met many like this. Figured it happens to every one from time-to-time.

[Cookiesandough]

You think people "rationally" decide whom to catch feelings for?? Have you read any of the other threads on here?

 

 

Not at all, but .when someone says that a person is perfect in every way, they love spending time with them, Very attracted to them, have a lot in common with them, they tick all their boxes, I think that person is either not being honest in their assessment of things or hasn't done enough introspection to see that there is a reason why they do not want to be with the person. It escapes me because I guess it's very easy for me to pinpoint why

[Cookiesandough]

It really depends on the person. I tend to jump to the simplest answer since that is most often the correct one, but it could be many things. You said he described the girl as attractive. That is kinda a bland descriptor. To me, it just says that she is pretty, but nothing about her really stands out. If he said she was sexy, gorgeous, or hot AF, that would be different. It signifies more attraction, and when people aren't into someone, it's generally because of a lack of attraction.

 

He also described the girl as sweet, but maybe deep down, he isn't really into sweet girls, even if he thinks they are better partners. Maybe he prefers a girl that's sassy, bitchy, or a bit crazy. Whatever. Personally, I like sweet women, but the ones that are a bit crazy really turn me on lol. It's a character flaw of mine.

 

Again, it could be many different things. I'd still go with a lack of attraction because of how he described her.

 

I agree with you. It could also be he left out a crucial part (like "she's objectively attractive but I don't find her that attractive(ie not his physical type") I think it's just because I'm really analytical about these things so I don't get people who aren't. But I think a lot of people aren't sure about what they really want. They think they want a sweet girl, but they actually like a girl who drives them insane. So when they say "They're perfect for me but..." they essentially saying "They're supposed to be perfect for me but..."

 

Thanks, everyone, for the insight. LS always gets answers

Edited August 26, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[joseb]

Not at all, but .when someone says that a person is perfect in every way, they love spending time with them, Very attracted to them, have a lot in common with them, they tick all their boxes, I think that person is either not being honest in their assessment of things or hasn't done enough introspection to see that there is a reason why they do not want to be with the person. It escapes me because I guess it's very easy for me to pinpoint why

 

Your original.post didn't say anything about him being very attracted to her...said she was attractive...big difference...

 

I can easily imagine lots of girls that would fall into the category that that poster describes.

[lana-banana]

For a while I dated a dude who was hot, smart, established, ticked all my boxes, perfect on paper, completely crazy about me, he talked about how we'd have a kid and a dog etc...nope. I never felt it. He was Mr. Right, but not my Mr. Right. He wasn't the one.

 

The first time I kissed my fiancé I was sure it was going to end in an apocalyptic firestorm or happily ever after. I went home and wrote in my diary "So, this is it for me." Luckily I was right (for the time being!).

 

Someone can seem perfect but if you aren't sure, it's not right. When you know it's for real, everything else falls into place. You will know when you get there.

[basil67]

Your original.post didn't say anything about him being very attracted to her...said she was attractive...big difference...

 

I can easily imagine lots of girls that would fall into the category that that poster describes.

 

I was about to write exactly this. A person can be physically attractive, but it doesn't necessarily mean you want to have sex with them.

 

He also didn't write that she was sexy. Or alluring. And without context, I'm not going to rule out the option that she may not have been attracted to him either.

[Robratory]

I was wondering if anyone could explain this to me,

 

I was reading another message board and I'm just going to paraphrase what the guy there said. He said he was looking for a rship and he met a girl who was attractive, sweet, fun to be around, really a great catch, but he couldn't see himself with her.

 

He may have been saying that but not really meaning it.

 

Or he may have meant "attractive" in the general sense but not to him. We know what society considers attractive, but that's not the same thing as what we consider attractive.

 

Or he may have thought she was attractive, but she had some other quality that made him lose hope.

 

These are just guesses. There's no way we can know.

[thefooloftheyear]

Heavy women are often quite pretty and sure, they can be attractive as well...And they may possess all the other intangibles mentioned...

 

.but they wont be desirable for a lot of guys....

 

The description is almost reminiscent of the girls some of my mothers friends would try to set me up with when I was much younger..They''d use descriptions like "she's such a nice girl" ..."so sweet" ......yep....you know the rest of that story...

 

TFY

[2much4]

This happened to my boyfriend before we got together. He dated a common friend of ours. She's incredibly beautiful. Kind, intelligent, charismatic.

 

He just wasn't attracted to her. He thought she was gorgeous to look at..like a beautiful picture. He had kind of a platonic crush on her.

 

But he didn't think she was sexy. She just didn't turn him on. He was pretty upset about it.

[elaine567]

She's "perfect", but not perfect for him obviously.

What society deems "perfect" is not always what the individual wants in a gf/bf.

There usually has to be more depth than the usual, nice, sweet, kind, attractive, funny, good job, nice friends, etc. box ticking exercise.

 

There is sex and passion, there is personality, there are patterns of behaviour, basic compatibility, interests in common, core values etc.

Out of one hundred "nice men" or "sweet girls" I guess there are only one or two who would really match up to an individual's taste.

So whilst he feels he should not let her go as she is a "find", I guess at 20, it won't be too long until he finds another one who perhaps suits him better.

[kazen]

When people say stuff that like you just don't take them serious. Some people like to exaggerate their situation with words like "perfect' "amazing" "incredible" etc.. these people don't actually mean what they say. They say these things to attract attention and to make their situation seems more complicated than what it really is. She was never perfect in the first place, she was just not his type. But saying "She is not my type so I don't see myself falling for her" would not captivate any audience.

[elaine567]

. Some people like to exaggerate their situation with words like "perfect' "amazing" "incredible" etc.. these people don't actually mean what they say. They say these things to attract attention and to make their situation seems more complicated than what it really is. She was never perfect in the first place, she was just not his type. But saying "She is not my type so I don't see myself falling for her" would not captivate any audience.

 

The "perfect", "amazing", "incredible" adjectives are also included so that we do not think that the person asking the question is being horrible.

 

He's a nasty, abusive slob, or she's a whiny boring nag, tends to say quite a lot about the person who is doing the moaning and there may be a backlash.

Whereas she/he is "amazing" BUT... tends to engender far more sympathy.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I had a good friend for over 10 years who was perfect for me on paper. He had a PhD, science nerd (but not too socially awkward), we had heaps in common, same age. Other girls seemed to like him and most of the time I have known him, he was in a relationship. My mum LOVED this guy. He was tall and reasonably attractive. But I never felt that spark. We would literally sit together for hours with ours legs touching without me even noticing it. Zero sexual tension.

 

He expressed interest in me couple of years back, I was single and doing tinder rounds at the time. I still rejected him because it would have been settling for me. I need that spark, together with all the other qualities. I would rather be single forever than force some companioble relationship.