Is cheating inevitable?

[elaine567]

Let me draw 2 scenerios. A couple meets at 16 in HS, grows up in a small town and stay there. Live in a very rural area where there's a high degree of trust among the community. Both work locally and are home every night, both know each others work friends and spend a lot of time together with other couples. Neither partner is especially beautiful, the man makes a good salary, but nothing more than most other men in the community. They have a strong religious upbringing.

 

This couple has a very low chance of infidelity, IMHO.

 

I think the HS sweetheart/virgin marriage means that they probably will cheat to experience what they missed out on.

 

The close long term friendships means that probably they will cheat as edges tend to get blurry with people they have known for a long time.

 

Just because they are not seen as the "beautiful people" does not mean that they will not get any offers... "ugly" and supposedly "undesirable" people like sex too, it does not stop them being unfaithful. They may not be attracting top models and studs, but it doesn't mean they are faithful.

 

Being religious may be a barrier to some, but not all. Church may indeed be a meeting place...

 

So whilst the scenario you paint may seem on the surface to be cosy and rural and safe, but it does not necessarily make it so.

[Reddice]

Really, this whole discussion makes little sense to me. Statistics don't mean a thing, cheating has been something of all generations, even in the middle ages. Some people here make valid points, it's all related to personality.

 

My ex girlfriend cheated on me, but in hindsight, there were huge red flags. She was always attracted to status symbols, had difficulty with the truth (even on pointless subjects) and was always looking at other couples as a sort of "benchmark" (are we going out as much as them? Are we having sex as much as them? Are we laughing as much as them? Are our pictures as perfect as theirs).

 

So unless there are any red flags in your marriage (never broken your trust, no signals of lying/cheating/etc), I'd say not to worry about it and just enjoy eachother's company. In the end, life is too short to worry about the small stuff.

[Els]

Obviously, there is going to be an inherent bias in relationship forums. Most people start off coming here because they are in a bad spot or there was something they needed help with in their relationship. Some of us stay on after that, but many leave. Inherently, the % of people encountering issues (including with infidelity) on LS would likely exceed the population %.

 

Even on LS, many couples who have been together for a long time have had no infidelity, so I'm not sure how you are arriving at this conclusion even if you are using LS as your sole sample size.

[knabe]

It is in the DNA, it is just who they are. They may "play nice" for a while but given the golden opportunity...

 

I'm sorry but this is a crock. I know it makes people feel superior, but it's a load of bull. Someone can be faithful for years, make a terrible choice, and then go back to being a faithful person (which is who they REALLY are).

 

Or are you saying that every bad choice people make is part of their DNA and all good behavior is an act?

[Miyoko]

I agree with this except to say that sometimes you do cherish your marriage, and infidelity happens anyway. It's the individual that fails, not the marriage or the betrayed spouse. You can take all of the precautions to safe guard and infidelity-proof your marriage and if the other spouse is weak or broken, it can still happen.

 

Amen to that!

[hammyy2k]

Most animals are not monogamous. Those that are not are those that have a societal structure like Chimpanzees and humans. It is easy to see that monogamy is not genetic but established by outside forces. The reasons for monogamy no longer exist. Women do not need to make sure their men do not wander because he would protect and provide for her and her children. Men no longer have to worry about spending their limited time and resources raising a child that does not carry his genes. Birth control, DNA testing, sperm banks and protection by the military and police have change the game.

 

Men and women are designed to continue to have orgasms even after a child is conceived. Men can theoretically impregnate several women a day. Women are driven to have sex with as many males as possible to up the odds of having a child strong enough to survive the harsh times of ancient days. We are genetically inclined to keep looking for the best mates we can find. These days it is not being a good hunter or protector. It is wealth, power, good looks, intelligence and any other sign of having good genes. Monogamy results in couples who both have bad genes producing kids with bad genes. In modern times those kids get to live and pass along their inferior genes too.That is not in the best interest in our species. Evolution/nature favors anything that results in the successful passing on of our genes to the next generations. We tend to think we are in control but it is our genes that get to be immortal, not us. They get to form another host to get them to the generation after that.

 

You can cure cancer but if you do not procreate, your genetic line is dead. Sex is our reason for existence but most refuse to accept that and provide religious or other reasons for why we are all here. We are all here because our ancestors successfully had sex that passed along their genes, not because of anything else they did.

 

The rate of extramarital affairs is about the same as divorces, 50/50. But that is not a one to one relationships. In other words, 50% of marriages will end for reasons other than just cheating, leaving a good number who remain married and oblivious to their spouses' cheating or looking the other way as some husbands I knew did. Every boss, male and female, I had over the last 52 years of working, cheated on their spouses. Our siblings and friends all divorced due to cheating. In two cases both spouses were cheating without the other's knowledge.

 

My wife and I looked at the married couples we knew and even our siblings and saw that marriage which is a construct of society to bring order to the world and religion to control the masses by controlling their most primal and strongest urges. Why do we enter into a lifelong contract with a 50% fail rate? Would we buy a car that may not work half of the time? It is because the chemical process that causes the feeling of love, blinds us to each other's faults and makes us want to be with each other as much as possible. Did you think love comes from our hearts? Everything we feel is stored as chemicals in our brain.

 

We will all be attracted to other potential mates. We may use our brains to deflect that but sometimes emotions come into play and we all know that when emotions take over, humans make bad choices. Add some inhibition reducing agents like alcohol and other drugs or unfulfilled needs at home and guess what happens. Look at my signature block. That is what monogamy does. No two people can fulfill all of each other's needs, even if they want to. For instance I do not have a vagina that my bisexual wife needs. I have a genius level IQ and she barely made it out of secretarial school. We could have both cheated but instead found the perfect solution in a freind who was treated as family since our teenage years. She held two Master's Degrees and thought with her emotions just like my wife and was also bi too. As three we were complete. We were together for 30 years of our 45 year marriage and she is still our girlfriend but her husband lost all their money on the stock market and they could no longer afford to move with us. Yes, I said her husband. Until you peek behind that curtain, you will never know how many marriages are non traditional. We were floored by the couples we knew that were non monogamous.

 

My wife and I both agree that had we insisted on monogamy, we would have divorced a long time ago. Instead we are what we call monogamish. We sometimes played with others as a couple simply for the sexual fun. We learned that sex can be just sex and not love making. We also learned that you can put your marriage first, every above monogamy. As long as it was the exception and not the rule, an occasional fling for whatever sexual or mental need, was not a deal breaker. Funny thing is that giving each other permission for ethical non monogamy removed the taboo from it and made it less desirable. I spent 3 months of every year for a decade travelling overseas. Easy to have sex with others but I never did while my monogamous co-workers cheated.

 

So we are all genetically designed to want sex with others, even emotional relationships when what we need emotionally is not met in our marriage. As strange as it sounds, the process of a non monogamous married forces you to communicate a lot and even if you remain monogamous, the communication that you established can strengthen your monogamous marriage. How many spouses say that they cheated because their needs were not being met by their spouses. Quite a bit because they do not communicate their needs. They are embarrassed or afraid to bring up sensitive subjects. My wife never had sex with another man or woman unless I took part. She told me that she had no reason too. The sex was great. She reaches orgasms in under 3 minutes with me even at the age of 65 because she tells me her sexual likes and dislikes. She tells me about emotional needs that she needs fulfilled and I try to fulfill them or we find someone who can. We do not view ourselves as half of a couple or as owning any part of the other including sexual pleasure.

 

Our wonderful marriage and sex life has enabled me to pursue a career that gives us a lifestyle where we seldom have to worry about money and can spoil ourselves with expensive toys and vacations. We are living in our 9th house and our last move was our 13th relocation. As it says in my signature block, "I’ve seen how monogamy breeds an almost viral tendency to take the other person for granted, to have huge expectations, and to deliver this all from a sense of duty and obligation — without a thank you!" Every married woman I dated in my very early days when I was single and good looking, complained that their husbands took them for granted and no longer made them feel sexually desirable or attractive. Sex became boring and monotonous, even non existent in some cases. They wanted the courtship stage of sex that they had before they got married. You know the one where the guy does not pass gas in front of you and you never have to poop.

 

We also grow as individuals. I know that my wife and I are not the same people we were when we married 45 years ago. We have separate interest and let each other pursue them. Much too old and infirmed now to be non monogamous as we need to care for each other and too many wrinkles in bed is not a pretty sight. Sex is something all creatures do. Nothing special or sacred. It is only that, because we have been taught to think of it as such. There is still an element of ownership in each other. Men are insecure. What if she finds someone more good looking, has a bigger penis, is better in bed or can provide her and your kids a much better life. They also fear loss, the loss of their spouse. These are the two elements that create jealousy.

 

We are not monogamous. We are serial monogamous. We rather drown in our existing morality than seek the safety of a different morality. If you want to have sex with a hot women you are strongly attracted to, the moral thing is to destroy the life you created with your wife and kids, bankrupt yourself with lawyer fees and alimony payments and only see your kids on weekends. That is morally superior to just telling your wife that you just feel a need to have sex with that girl and that is all it will be. You come home right after as your rules state and that is it. Marriage still going on as usual and no one hurt because this is within the framework of your marriage design, not someone else's.

 

A friend once asked me if I worry that my wife is having sex with different guys every day I am out of the country with no way to know. My reply was that even if she was doing that, it has not made a ripple in our marriage or changed how she feels about me, so who cares and I would feel compersion for her which is pleasure in her pleasure. I have lived in monogamy, poly and ethical non monogamy conditions of marriage. I truly have let go of the one I love and she came back. That kind of love is much better than the one I used to have where my partner stayed with me out of a sense of duty and because society said she should.

 

As someone who was tuned into the poly and non monogamous community, today more college educated married couples are exploring various forms of non monogamy. 40% of children are born out of wedlock and people are getting married at much older ages than in the past. I got married at 21 which is what men did in my time. If interested read some of the articles below. They contain good information even for monogamous couples. I am not trying to sell anyone on non monogamy simply because I saw it fail more than succeed but much of that can be attributed to couples using it to try to fix a bad marriage when non monogamy is more difficult to do.

 

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-25823/how-an-extramarital-affair-could-save-your-marriage.html

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201310/the-curious-couples-guide-occasional-non-monogamy

 

Why My Husband & I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People - mindbodygreen

 

No matter if you are monogamous or not, you still will be attracted to others and sometimes your emotions will override your judgement. My old friends who called me immoral and could not understand how I could be a man and stand knowing my wife had sex with another man or girls, despite being a decorated combat bet and alpha to a fault. I am so secure in what I bring to the table and did not build our marriage on the foundation of monogamy but rather the certain knowledge that my wife and I would be life partners. They are all on the second or third divorces while we are still going strong. Yet they feel that they have the moral high ground despite divorces and kids they rarely see not to mention the hatred between them and their exes. Go figure.

 

you surely are out of your goldfish mind, using excuses to justify your failed relationships

Edited August 30, 2017 by hammyy2k

[anduina]

Right now, my trust in men is at rock bottom so I wonder about that. I broke my engagement after finding out he'd been sexting with an ex. Knew there was a reason why I felt so insecure with him, why things began so rocky, then when we 'opened up' to each other it went smooth and then suddenly, it was rocky again. I feel sick.

[Whodatdog]

You can't base your ideas on infidelity on a forum where people post about cheating. People arent posting about being faithful and not cheating on their partners. Those people dont post because they dont need help, they are happy. Nobody would read that.

 

Its like watching the news. If you let yourself, you would think the entire world is full of idiots and creeps and thugs and criminals. But the news doesnt tell you about all the good people in the world, because thats not news.

[understand50]

Is cheating inevitable?

 

Nothing on this world is inevitable, and if you can site all those people that have cheated, I can point to those who have not. But, what is also true, is that nothing is not possible. Those who claim they will never cheat, just have not met the circumstances where they would. All of us have the capacity to cheat. All of us have the capacity to be faithful. Knowing this, one must guard oneself, against being unfaithful.

 

What being faithful is, is knowing you can cheat, but not allowing yourself to cheat, and doing this everyday you are married. During the times you are weak and primed, and also during the times when you do not suspect that you could. You are the master of what you do, as long as you keep this is mind, nothing is inevitable.

 

My two cents......

[DKT3]

Statically speaking somewhere between 60-75% of relationships has some level of infidelity.

 

There are factors that make it more or less likely. Example, every year older getting married after age 28 decreases the percentage of unfaithfulness. While having more than 7 sexual partners but fewer than 3 before marriage increases percentage of unfaithfulness. The wealthier you are the more likely you will cheat, religious more than non religious ( always thought that was odd, but thinking about it deeper, it makes sense).

 

Statically speaking, infidelity is likely, I won't say inevitable.

[spanz1]

cheating is def not inevitable.

 

but people change over the course of a lengthy marriage. IF it is a rigid relationship that does not provide space for either spouse to grow and change...that creates friction, and possibly the need "to get even" or "find someone who understands me".

 

Also, SEX is a VERY important barometer of a marriage's health. If it ever wanes to the once or twice a month level...some serious repair work has to be done. Nothing drives a person to cheat better than being horny from a long stretch of no-sex, and a spouse that is berating/ignoring them.

[usa1ah]

Cheating only happens if someone has a poor excuse for character. They give in to temptation and break the marriage vows.

 

Couple that share each other aren't cheating but can lead to problems if their bond is not as strong as they thought.

 

Also. Out of the millions of couples there are really few stories on here and other forms. I thing a survey I read put it at 25% of men and 20% of women said they had cheated. I would say 30% for both.

 

I depends on someone's character if they will cheat or not.

[Trail Blazer]

Cheating only happens if someone has a poor excuse for character. They give in to temptation and break the marriage vows.

 

Couple that share each other aren't cheating but can lead to problems if their bond is not as strong as they thought.

 

Also. Out of the millions of couples there are really few stories on here and other forms. I thing a survey I read put it at 25% of men and 20% of women said they had cheated. I would say 30% for both.

 

I depends on someone's character if they will cheat or not.

 

I think that's a lot of it, but not all. I think for the people who are trapped in a marriage which they can't leave for many reasons then cheating is inevitable. I know that I will leave before cheating because if I feel I want to cheat then it's because my marriage has some serious problems. I won't cheat just because I'm horny. Some people will because they are opportunistic.

 

My sex life has pretty much stopped. In the last 12 months I think I could count on both hands how many times we've had sex and still have a few fingers spared. We are going through a rough patch and I'm really REALLY struggling with the drought. I have had 1 opportunity to cheat in this time. Had I not been honest with this girl and told her I was married, I could easily have had something on the side. She was a good person and had no intention on pursuing a married man, but I could have pulled it off and used her for a while if I wanted to. And part of me was tempted... she was very beautiful.

 

I do worry what will happen if we keep going down this path. My wife is not interested and if I keep asking she just gets angry. I have tried talking to her and she says I need to give her space and if I keep pressuring her then no sex will be fait accompli. I said it seems it is already. I'm 32, I don't know if I can jerk off for the rest of my life. Well, I can't. But I can't cheat, either. Nor can I leave my wife and kids. You can see why some people lose their mind!

Edited August 31, 2017 by Trail Blazer

[Whitenblack]

I don't think it's inevitable. I think it has a lot to do with how strong your own morals and self-control are. If they are strong, then you'll say no and walk away every time a bad situation presents itself. If they are weak, then you will probably give in when temptation knocks.

[carhill]

Temptation is inevitable, especially if looking at the length and breadth of one's life.

 

Considering how much infidelity and cheating has been historically discussed and reported, if it alone is the arbiter of personal character, oh my we need to re-examine who we trust to govern us and employ us and lead us in matters of faith, among many other facets of social life, very importantly parent us. Pretty scary.

[vanhalenfan]

Spending too much time on these boards can alter your view of society.

 

You see all the problems, but if things are good, not so much.

 

Totally agreed.

[wmacbride]

Most animals are not monogamous. Those that are not are those that have a societal structure like Chimpanzees and humans. It is easy to see that monogamy is not genetic but established by outside forces. The reasons for monogamy no longer exist. Women do not need to make sure their men do not wander because he would protect and provide for her and her children. Men no longer have to worry about spending their limited time and resources raising a child that does not carry his genes. Birth control, DNA testing, sperm banks and protection by the military and police have change the game.

 

Men and women are designed to continue to have orgasms even after a child is conceived. Men can theoretically impregnate several women a day. Women are driven to have sex with as many males as possible to up the odds of having a child strong enough to survive the harsh times of ancient days. We are genetically inclined to keep looking for the best mates we can find. These days it is not being a good hunter or protector. It is wealth, power, good looks, intelligence and any other sign of having good genes. Monogamy results in couples who both have bad genes producing kids with bad genes. In modern times those kids get to live and pass along their inferior genes too.That is not in the best interest in our species. Evolution/nature favors anything that results in the successful passing on of our genes to the next generations. We tend to think we are in control but it is our genes that get to be immortal, not us. They get to form another host to get them to the generation after that.

 

You can cure cancer but if you do not procreate, your genetic line is dead. Sex is our reason for existence but most refuse to accept that and provide religious or other reasons for why we are all here. We are all here because our ancestors successfully had sex that passed along their genes, not because of anything else they did.

 

The rate of extramarital affairs is about the same as divorces, 50/50. But that is not a one to one relationships. In other words, 50% of marriages will end for reasons other than just cheating, leaving a good number who remain married and oblivious to their spouses' cheating or looking the other way as some husbands I knew did. Every boss, male and female, I had over the last 52 years of working, cheated on their spouses. Our siblings and friends all divorced due to cheating. In two cases both spouses were cheating without the other's knowledge.

 

My wife and I looked at the married couples we knew and even our siblings and saw that marriage which is a construct of society to bring order to the world and religion to control the masses by controlling their most primal and strongest urges. Why do we enter into a lifelong contract with a 50% fail rate? Would we buy a car that may not work half of the time? It is because the chemical process that causes the feeling of love, blinds us to each other's faults and makes us want to be with each other as much as possible. Did you think love comes from our hearts? Everything we feel is stored as chemicals in our brain.

 

We will all be attracted to other potential mates. We may use our brains to deflect that but sometimes emotions come into play and we all know that when emotions take over, humans make bad choices. Add some inhibition reducing agents like alcohol and other drugs or unfulfilled needs at home and guess what happens. Look at my signature block. That is what monogamy does. No two people can fulfill all of each other's needs, even if they want to. For instance I do not have a vagina that my bisexual wife needs. I have a genius level IQ and she barely made it out of secretarial school. We could have both cheated but instead found the perfect solution in a freind who was treated as family since our teenage years. She held two Master's Degrees and thought with her emotions just like my wife and was also bi too. As three we were complete. We were together for 30 years of our 45 year marriage and she is still our girlfriend but her husband lost all their money on the stock market and they could no longer afford to move with us. Yes, I said her husband. Until you peek behind that curtain, you will never know how many marriages are non traditional. We were floored by the couples we knew that were non monogamous.

 

My wife and I both agree that had we insisted on monogamy, we would have divorced a long time ago. Instead we are what we call monogamish. We sometimes played with others as a couple simply for the sexual fun. We learned that sex can be just sex and not love making. We also learned that you can put your marriage first, every above monogamy. As long as it was the exception and not the rule, an occasional fling for whatever sexual or mental need, was not a deal breaker. Funny thing is that giving each other permission for ethical non monogamy removed the taboo from it and made it less desirable. I spent 3 months of every year for a decade travelling overseas. Easy to have sex with others but I never did while my monogamous co-workers cheated.

 

So we are all genetically designed to want sex with others, even emotional relationships when what we need emotionally is not met in our marriage. As strange as it sounds, the process of a non monogamous married forces you to communicate a lot and even if you remain monogamous, the communication that you established can strengthen your monogamous marriage. How many spouses say that they cheated because their needs were not being met by their spouses. Quite a bit because they do not communicate their needs. They are embarrassed or afraid to bring up sensitive subjects. My wife never had sex with another man or woman unless I took part. She told me that she had no reason too. The sex was great. She reaches orgasms in under 3 minutes with me even at the age of 65 because she tells me her sexual likes and dislikes. She tells me about emotional needs that she needs fulfilled and I try to fulfill them or we find someone who can. We do not view ourselves as half of a couple or as owning any part of the other including sexual pleasure.

 

Our wonderful marriage and sex life has enabled me to pursue a career that gives us a lifestyle where we seldom have to worry about money and can spoil ourselves with expensive toys and vacations. We are living in our 9th house and our last move was our 13th relocation. As it says in my signature block, "I’ve seen how monogamy breeds an almost viral tendency to take the other person for granted, to have huge expectations, and to deliver this all from a sense of duty and obligation — without a thank you!" Every married woman I dated in my very early days when I was single and good looking, complained that their husbands took them for granted and no longer made them feel sexually desirable or attractive. Sex became boring and monotonous, even non existent in some cases. They wanted the courtship stage of sex that they had before they got married. You know the one where the guy does not pass gas in front of you and you never have to poop.

 

We also grow as individuals. I know that my wife and I are not the same people we were when we married 45 years ago. We have separate interest and let each other pursue them. Much too old and infirmed now to be non monogamous as we need to care for each other and too many wrinkles in bed is not a pretty sight. Sex is something all creatures do. Nothing special or sacred. It is only that, because we have been taught to think of it as such. There is still an element of ownership in each other. Men are insecure. What if she finds someone more good looking, has a bigger penis, is better in bed or can provide her and your kids a much better life. They also fear loss, the loss of their spouse. These are the two elements that create jealousy.

 

We are not monogamous. We are serial monogamous. We rather drown in our existing morality than seek the safety of a different morality. If you want to have sex with a hot women you are strongly attracted to, the moral thing is to destroy the life you created with your wife and kids, bankrupt yourself with lawyer fees and alimony payments and only see your kids on weekends. That is morally superior to just telling your wife that you just feel a need to have sex with that girl and that is all it will be. You come home right after as your rules state and that is it. Marriage still going on as usual and no one hurt because this is within the framework of your marriage design, not someone else's.

 

A friend once asked me if I worry that my wife is having sex with different guys every day I am out of the country with no way to know. My reply was that even if she was doing that, it has not made a ripple in our marriage or changed how she feels about me, so who cares and I would feel compersion for her which is pleasure in her pleasure. I have lived in monogamy, poly and ethical non monogamy conditions of marriage. I truly have let go of the one I love and she came back. That kind of love is much better than the one I used to have where my partner stayed with me out of a sense of duty and because society said she should.

 

As someone who was tuned into the poly and non monogamous community, today more college educated married couples are exploring various forms of non monogamy. 40% of children are born out of wedlock and people are getting married at much older ages than in the past. I got married at 21 which is what men did in my time. If interested read some of the articles below. They contain good information even for monogamous couples. I am not trying to sell anyone on non monogamy simply because I saw it fail more than succeed but much of that can be attributed to couples using it to try to fix a bad marriage when non monogamy is more difficult to do.

 

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-25823/how-an-extramarital-affair-could-save-your-marriage.html

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201310/the-curious-couples-guide-occasional-non-monogamy

 

Why My Husband & I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People - mindbodygreen

 

No matter if you are monogamous or not, you still will be attracted to others and sometimes your emotions will override your judgement. My old friends who called me immoral and could not understand how I could be a man and stand knowing my wife had sex with another man or girls, despite being a decorated combat bet and alpha to a fault. I am so secure in what I bring to the table and did not build our marriage on the foundation of monogamy but rather the certain knowledge that my wife and I would be life partners. They are all on the second or third divorces while we are still going strong. Yet they feel that they have the moral high ground despite divorces and kids they rarely see not to mention the hatred between them and their exes. Go figure.

 

 

monogamy may not be for you, and that's fine. please don't presume to speak for anyone else.

[wmacbride]

Just like anything else our lizard brain tries to compel us to do, we have choice.

 

If someone cheats, they made that choice.

 

It's like anything else. We all have impulses, but what counts is what we do about it.

 

I might be walking by a bakery and see an awesome cake in the window that I really want to have to eat. My instinct is to grab the nearest fork and dig in.

 

Do I act on that? of course not.

[Ahurtgirl]

Cheating is not inevitable. If you look at the number of married couples in the world and the amount of people who are members in this forum.... it's just a tiny amount of marriages that are affected by infidelity. Most couple do not cheat on each other.

[Saltine]

I believe most infidelities that are discovered, do not result in the betrayed spouse turning to a forum such as this. For many betrayed, the discovery put them on an unalterable path toward separation and/or divorce. Many more continue in their marriage, harboring resentment, suffering silently for years, and perhaps even for the rest of the marriage, continuously wondering what they don't know. And wondering what might still be going on. A very small percentage of couples who attempt to reconcile, can actually claim to have any great success in the long term.