I must be naive or stupid

[spiderowl]

I think you need to talk to her and ask her some blunt questions. She has already acknowledged it is not normal. Ask her why she does not want sex with you. She may not tell you the truth, of course, but she may say something revealing. At the very least, she will realise this is getting to be important for you.

 

It is not a normal situation and I do not see how she can realistically expect you to go without sex for so long. It would not be wise to have children because then you are pretty much stuck in a marriage with little or no sex for many years.

 

Marital therapy may help but I have a feeling nothing is going to help this situation. She just does not desire you and without that what kind of marriage do you have?

[usa1ah]

I would say the only thing left is separating for a time so you both can think about what is going on. Might help her to see that the two of you need to talk about the sex issue.

 

You have put the time in. You have made sure to talk with her. You have done all the romantic things to make her feel special.

 

Then when you talk and bring up sex she changes the subject and refuses to open up about it.

 

A few things might have caused this.

 

She might have been abused as a child and the memories of it are causing the problems. Might be why she won't talk about it.

 

She might not be able to have sex with you because she just finds sex appalling. She just has no use for it other then to have babies.

 

Last note. Here again people go after the OP just because he is a guy. Even after he explains how he takes care of her with the issues they are having. He doesn't let it stand in the way of his love for her. To come out and say it's his fault is just wrong , especially the way you have done so.

[Els]

What happened before you got married? Were you guys waiting for marriage to have sex at all, or were you having decent sex before that?

[standtall]

Let me get this straight...2 Yrs married, no kids, and no sex. This marriage is DOA..unless you want to be begging for sex for the rest of your life.

 

There are much much much much better fish.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, the OP has not returned to reply to the the many different opinions offered by people responding on his thread. He last posted on the 24th. It is seems he has gone MIA. Warm wishes to all.

[skylark100]

What stood out to me is you said you had sex once on your honeymoon, and rarely after... Makes me wonder if she's been abused in her life, and that occurrence could have dredged up memories she wasn't ready to deal with.

One theory... and the best way to find out is be direct. Hinting around in such critical matters of a relationships success is not advisable, as it leaves way too much for misinterpretation.

Just be tactful, and most of all LISTEN to what she says (if she actually talks)...EMPATHIZE. And don't let her off the hook with being dismissive... it's obvious there's an issue, and the only way through it is to face it head on. (in my experiences... and I'm also divorced from first wife due to lack of communication)

On the other hand, I agree with several other posts, it's likely not YOU. I have similar issues where my wife has NO DESIRE! We have a son, that being a significant difference, and since his birth, her drive plummeted. So the whole "hormones change" and such is completely true. So back to you, I know chemical imbalance in women, the wrong birth control, other meds, can all have varying adverse affects, and she needs to discuss with her doctor, and you need to be present. My wife's gynecologist told me that after their first kid, the drive was gone, after the 2nd she was good to go again. Women are truly a never-ending rollercoaster.

Remember above all, don't accuse her, or you may as well not bother speaking further.

GOOD LUCK!

 

Oh, and if all you get is "I don't know...", see if she is willing to be checked by Doctor for depression/anxiety issues.

 

 

Very interesting comment here. I had never really considered that she would be abused. Her family is the most supportive and encouraging bunch I have ever met. Probably too extreme even, but I had never ever considered abuse.

 

It makes me wonder. Maybe a past of previous boyfriend or even father, though I would be surprised.

 

If this is the case, I would be the wrong person to open up to. It should probably be a licenced psychologist or psychiatrist.

[skylark100]

Maybe she is having a dry spell because she needs a break.

 

Life can be hectic and tiresome, maybe her emotional well being is at stake.

 

Maybe she feels overwhelmed for some reason, and rather than pressuring (arguments about theblack of sex or pressure of the romance i earlier mentioned) just let her sleep. let her do her hobby, or work, or whatever itbis she needs to do to focus on her self.

 

Sometimes we need to takr the time to visit ourselves to asses who we are and what we are wanting.

 

Let her come to you when she is ready.

 

 

I have never ever pressured her into anything she does not consent to. I have not brought up sex in a negative way. I am truly trying to figure out what is wrong.

 

With all due respect, she has had 2 years to settle in and get comfortable, but does not seem to want to share in her problems or issues. There is only so much I can do!

[skylark100]

OP,

 

Lots of excellent observations and suggestions by other posters.

 

After reading your initial post, some of my thoughts:

 

 

What was your sex life prior to getting married?

She could have something medically wrong?

 

 

If at one time you two had a great sex life then I would say there is hope. However, if your sex life has been lackluster from day one......yikes....

 

A sexless marriage is no fun and not healthy if one partner wants sex and the the other doesn't. I hope you find the answers you are looking for....soon.

 

Maybe you can masturbate to one her pictures.....oh...wait, that's another thread.....my bad.

 

But in all seriousness, good luck as I can imagine how frustrating this is to deal with.

 

Nope, in the beginning it was really quite satisfying and good for the both of us. She would jump me when I was least expecting it. Only once things got considerably more serious, did it tail off.

 

The honeymoon was the turning point in our sexual relationship....all downhill.

[skylark100]

Hi skylark, quite a difficult situation to be in. Have you thought of psycho therapy including hypnotic therapy by a qualified psychiatrist? Sometimes hypnotherapy may reveal some hidden cause for the problem your wife is facing. Her being a hypochondriac points to a deeper problem than just a simple lack of libido. It also indicates a psychological rather than a physical problem. I do not know how open she would be to psychotherapy but you may have to work on her to convince her. Have you ever spoken to her about no SRC being a deal breaker for you? Would the thought of a divorce be enough motivation for her to undergo therapy? Give it a thought. Warm wishes.

 

I haven't considered psychotherapy or hypnotic therapy precisely, however I have suggested counselling on more than one occasion. She is all for it and then dismisses it.

 

I have suggested doctors, but she says she has talked to her GP about it and there is nothing more that can really be done.+

[skylark100]

If nothing changes, your marriage isn't sustainable. Certainly do not entertain the idea of having children unless this is resolved. Very likely, this is all about her, and not about you, unless you've changed significantly and negatively since you got married. Still there may be changes you can make that will help - but don't just go try anything, as that will probably focus your effort on the wrong things. She has the lack of libido, so she has to work to fix it. You decide if it's enough, and work with her to fix it.

 

I suggest you give yourself a mental deadline to find a solution, and if there isn't satisfactory progress, divorce her. Do your research, try various approaches, discuss it with her, and get her to agree to work on figuring out why this is, and fix it. That means hormone checks, marriage counselling, sex therapists, reading books, frank and honest discussions, and whatever else you can try based on advice here, in books, and from therapists.

 

If she won't even try, then file for divorce in three months. If she tries, but either quits or nothing improves, file for divorce after six months. If things improve, see where you are at the year point - and decide to continue or split up. It may require constant attention to maintain any improvements, so factor that into your decision if you stay together.

 

Excellent Advice.

 

I think setting goals and deadlines is the best possible solution. It gives both of us something to work towards and ultimately a drop dead date to get it done. (not that I will explicitly tell her that)

 

My concern is how to approach the situation as my wife is extremely sensitive to her shortcomings and it becomes difficult to talk about important issues. (this is a completely different topic on it's on own).

 

I have to get someone other than me to convince her that this is as important for her well being as anything.

 

Deep down she is a good person and I am sure she isn't doing this on purpose. I would much rather help her get better than divorce her. But at the same time, if she can't meet me somewhere in the middle - I really can't waste my life being with her if she can't won't be intimate with me.

[submart]

 

Nope, in the beginning it was really quite satisfying and good for the both of us. She would jump me when I was least expecting it. Only once things got considerably more serious, did it tail off.

 

The honeymoon was the turning point in our sexual relationship....all downhill.

 

My concern is how to approach the situation as my wife is extremely sensitive to her shortcomings and it becomes difficult to talk about important issues. (this is a completely different topic on it's on own).

 

The fact that you had frequent and enjoyable sex prior to the honeymoon tells me she wasn't abused as a child or have a naturally low sex drive. There is something else going on like she is now taking a medication (i.e. birth control, anti-depressants) that may be affecting her sex drive. Look in the medication cabinet and see what birth control and meds she is on or flat out ask.

 

Try something like this:

 

"I really miss the frequency of love making we had while we were still dating."

[Try]

The fact that you had frequent and enjoyable sex prior to the honeymoon tells me she wasn't abused as a child or have a naturally low sex drive. There is something else going on like she is now taking a medication (i.e. birth control, anti-depressants) that may be affecting her sex drive.

I agree with you when you say that the fact that she "had frequent and enjoyable sex prior to the honeymoon tells me she wasn't abused as a child or have a naturally low sex drive", and that "there is something else going on". That something else could be someone else.

[spanz1]

I have never ever pressured her into anything she does not consent to. !

 

well maybe it is time. Maybe what she needs is an assertive alpha male to take her to bed and have his way with her? She sounds a little nutty, but may just be waiting for YOU to take charge and tell her what to do. Try with a little bondage first, like handcuffs behind her back, and see if that does not calm her mind and allow her to enjoy sex.

 

Also, you mention she is hypochondriac. Is she taking a ton of over the counter meds? SOME of them can have a side effect of killing her libido.

[carnelian]

I agree with most of these replies. This is an emotional and chemicalish situation, she did not think about it much probably.And this explains why couples who seem to have nothing in common become bed partners.And people with much in common often are not physically attracted.

 

The old saying is that you cannot talk someone into something that they did not reason themselves into in the first place.

My only suggestion is a bit odd. Try walking around naked a few times. very casually, saying nothing. Maybe that would arouse her. It is a chance.

[usa1ah]

Nope, in the beginning it was really quite satisfying and good for the both of us. She would jump me when I was least expecting it. Only once things got considerably more serious, did it tail off.

 

The honeymoon was the turning point in our sexual relationship....all downhill.

 

With what you have said here I believe she was abused.

 

I have read three other threads with the same situation you are in. All three of the girl had been abused by a male family member or close friend of the family.

 

The wives were fine during the dating experience. Then when things got serious or a few months after marriage things with down hill. The wives started to unconsciously associate their husbands with the authority figure that abused them.

 

If you love your wife still, take her to a counselor that deals with abuse of these kind. It would be easier for her to open out to a woman I think. Also, if there was no abuse the counselor might still be able to help her.