My bf (31) invited me(30) on a trip, then took it back, i think?

[Robratory]

Lol by asking a question? And stating facts? Calling myself out on prior ****ty communication? I guess im blowing up myself then?

 

Eh, your reply to Gemma was a bit snappy. But I was just being funny...

[GemmaUK]

I did talk to him about it... told him my feelings about it and recieved little to no response, shouldn't the ball be in his court now? To step up and communicate back? Or step up and figure out the plan for a trip he invited me on?

 

Huh?

You just told him you wanted a break - so no, he won't step up and speak and the ball isn't in his court - you chose a break so the ball is with you.

He is most likely going to respect your wishes and stay silent.

[Tinawisdom]

Gemma - we aren't on a break anymore, please read my edit. He asked for another chance. So yes i feel the ball is in his court.

[GemmaUK]

Gemma - we aren't on a break anymore, please read my edit. He asked for another chance. So yes i feel the ball is in his court.

 

I thought the break happened from today(?). I read one edit, I wasn't sure whom you were directing them towards but they looked the same.

 

I'm bowing out, I'm finding your communication style confusing, clearly!

 

I'll leave it to the rest of the forum to help.

All the best!

[olivetree]

He sounds highly avoidant.

You've probably felt you've been held at a distance your entire relationship.

It never progresses because you can never get close enough to have a healthy, reciprocal and truly intimate relationship.

 

Honestly, the only thing you can do is walk away.

You're right, he will either have an epiphany or he won't.

Either way, you've lost nothing.

 

I don't see that you need to talk any more.

If it was good in the beginning, he knows what to do.

So he knows since then you've been settling for the crumbs of a pseudo relationship for almost 2 years.

Time to move on, yesterday.

[anna121]

Why would you want to be with someone, long term, who is (your words): "very very selfish"?

 

I can think of few things more exhausting and unfulfilling. Sort of how you accommodate him every chance you get (driving 8 hrs to give him "alone time"; moderating your "complaint style").

 

I'm sure you care about him, but he doesn't sound worth it.

[Redhead14]

Tina, taking one "break" to try to "wake him up" isn't so bad. But needing to do that a number of times is just setting yourself up as a doormat really. He may come running but in his head he knows you aren't serious. He won't take it seriously. He'll step up for a while perhaps, but will revert back soon because he is who he is and he can't change. He won't take it seriously -- "oh, she's just pissy right now. Things will go back to usual soon". The history is proving it.

 

Be done with him this time for your own good. Using ultimatums to manage a partner isn't a healthy thing.

 

You can't force a square peg into a round hole. You don't date a guy and try to make him into something/someone he isn't. You don't go to Build-a-Man like Build-a-Bear. I've said this on other threads. You're taking on a project like Frankenstein. He built a man, got it to walk around like a man but it wasn't pretty. Even if this guy does everything you want him to do and be, he will become resentful and smothered.

 

Find yourself a guy who is already pretty close to what you want and need/ more compatible naturally.

[JuneL]

I'm very sorry. It sounds like he has the upper hand in the relationship and he doesn't really treat/see you as a serious girlfriend. It also sounds like you have a great relationship with your ex (kids' father). Since you've already made arrangement for the trip, I'd just go and have fun (the last thing you need to worry is whether he likes you there). Come back refreshed and break up with him, for good.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

im supposed to spend the night at his place saturday so i think im going to go, see if he mentions anything while we are together for the 14+ hours, and if not - then toward the end bring it up and tell him im not going, why, and thar im taking space.

 

I highly recommend that you reconsider this passive approach.

 

Like I said in my previous post you need to find out if you are on the same page and actually want the same things out of this relationship, which shouldn't be left until the last minute.

 

This type of conversation may take you both some time to consider and talk through with one another. Both of you deserve the opportunity to discuss what you actually want and need from this relationship. Only then can you make an informed decision about whether this is going to work or not.

 

If you bring it up earlier, you have a better chance of having enough time to discuss things. You don't want to give him the chance to avoid addressing the issues by bringing it up at the end.

 

Even if he does bring up the fact you are going, that is only a temporary fix. All the other issues and concerns are still going to be there. It would be much more beneficial to you to figure out what you both want long term, and whether you are able to meet each other's needs in a relationship that makes you both happy.