Feeling So Defeated...

[Dis]

My mom has known him for decades and really likes him

 

Today she asked me how the date went

 

I told her everything I told you guy (minus the sex talk )

 

She said I was being superficial and was making a mistake

 

I dont understand how I'm being superficial because I dont want to date someone I'm not attracted to

 

She said attration can grow and I have experienced that in the past. But when that happened I was never replused by the guy. I was on the fence, so....

 

I dont know what to do because he really is SUCH a great guy but last night I literally wanted to run away I was so turned off

 

I know, I need to put a pin in this. I know. I just dont want to hurt him and I want to make the right decision

[Gaeta]

Re: Your mom.

 

I remember my brother and his wife setting me up on a blind date with a friend of theirs. They said so many good things about him and how he was a good guy etc etc etc.

 

I got back from that date so mad at them lol. I don't doubt the man was a good friend, the type of guy that'll show up first to help you move and the type of men that will go pick you up in the middle of the night BUT for a woman, as a boyfriend, he was bad material !

 

What exactly didn't you like about him on this 3rd meet? I know you named a few things but it's hard to understand why you liked him on date 1 and 2 and suddenly he disgusts you on date 3.

[Dis]

 

What exactly didn't you like about him on this 3rd meet? I know you named a few things but it's hard to understand why you liked him on date 1 and 2 and suddenly he disgusts you on date 3.

 

Actually the first 2 meet ups werent dates

 

My mom was the nurse at camp a week and a half ago so I went to see her

 

He was also working there so I got to talking to him both times I went

 

We were either walking somewhere or we were sitting by the lake in the dark so I never got a really good look at him

 

When we were sitting face to face at dinner, I was looking right at him. I realized he was too heavy (for my taste), he wasnt as attractive as I had previously thought and that combined with his odd behavior literally made me want to run for the hills

 

He has a realy good heart and is super sweet but I have never been so repelled by someone in my life. I reallyyyyy wish I didnt feel that way

[Gaeta]

Actually the first 2 meet ups werent dates

 

My mom was the nurse at camp a week and a half ago so I went to see her

 

He was also working there so I got to talking to him both times I went

 

We were either walking somewhere or we were sitting by the lake in the dark so I never got a really good look at him

 

When we were sitting face to face at dinner, I was looking right at him. I realized he was too heavy (for my taste), he wasnt as attractive as I had previously thought and that combined with his odd behavior literally made me want to run for the hills

 

He has a realy good heart and is super sweet but I have never been so repelled by someone in my life. I reallyyyyy wish I didnt feel that way

 

Ah ok make sense, you did not have a good look at him before.

 

Your mom will survive. Let him down kindly but clearly, no ambiguity.

[Dis]

He left me a 2 minute voicemail this morning. An over the moon voicemail about how stunning I looked and how he thinks this is everything he has ever wanted

 

He just texted me now saying he's worried about me

 

I guess now would be the time?

 

I also dont know whether to tell him I'm not attracted or I'm just not feeling it???

 

I feel like if I told him I'm not attracted that would be way too harsh

[Gaeta]

He left me a 2 minute voicemail this morning. An over the moon voicemail about how stunning I looked and how he thinks this is everything he has ever wanted

 

He just texted me now saying he's worried about me

 

I guess now would be the time?

 

I also dont know whether to tell him I'm not attracted or I'm just not feeling it???

 

I feel like if I told him I'm not attracted that would be way too harsh

 

 

NOOOOO, c'mon why tell him you are not attracted. That would hurt his feelings and hit him with insecurities with the next women. Just tell him you are not feeling it or you are just feeling friendship and nothing else developping.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

He sounds pretty infatuated already, so I doubt he is going to accept anything other than an absolute rejection.

 

It doesn't have to be harsh, but it needs to be very firm and clear. Otherwise you will end up in a situation where he thinks there is still a chance to win you over.

 

There is another thread where the same sort of situation is unfolding. The guy is so infatuated, he still hopes he can talk her round somehow (after only two weeks). Perhaps if she had been more firm about her lack of interest, he would have accepted it quicker and not wasted his time on the wrong woman.

 

Good luck however you decide to handle it.

[No_Go]

Just tell him you're not feeling it.

 

The repulsion that you're feeling is not going to get better no matter what your mom says. If you're neutral - ok. But repulsed... no way.

 

I had dinner tonight with a friend that attempted to date me 3 years ago. Never once I felt like having a romantic relationship with him although on platonic level we get along swimmingly. It's the baseline attraction that you need to move forward, you don't have it and that's that.

 

Btw from the side he sounds creepy and love-bombing you, not like a nice person.... Like a person that know what he wants but is not checking if the other person is on the same page...

 

My mom has known him for decades and really likes him

 

Today she asked me how the date went

 

I told her everything I told you guy (minus the sex talk )

 

She said I was being superficial and was making a mistake

 

I dont understand how I'm being superficial because I dont want to date someone I'm not attracted to

 

She said attration can grow and I have experienced that in the past. But when that happened I was never replused by the guy. I was on the fence, so....

 

I dont know what to do because he really is SUCH a great guy but last night I literally wanted to run away I was so turned off

 

I know, I need to put a pin in this. I know. I just dont want to hurt him and I want to make the right decision

[Raena]

Just a quick question, if you were really into him and he behaved the same way would you be turned off?

 

I ask because I didn't see his behavior on the date as over the top, despite the fact that many responses have said as much. I know for myself that if I were very interested in a man, those kinds of things would not be weird to me (singing to me, drawing hearts on the take away box)... the clumsiness would not be upsetting either. But if I weren't interested in him, those things would come across as weird and would turn me off further.

 

That's why I said to not be harsh on him because some other woman might appreciate the goofiness.

 

However... his long voice mail message to you afterwards is concerning. He obviously didn't get the hint that night that you weren't as into him as he was into you.

 

You will need to very straightforward with him and let him know that you are not interested in a romantic relationship with him. Don't tell him you aren't attracted to him though or point out any details. Just clearly state you aren't feeling it and wish him well on his journey. Don't give him the "let's be friends" or "it's not you it's me" speech either.

[Popsicle]

I've had this happen to me once and vowed to never do the online thing again.

 

Just tell him you only see him as a friend only.

[Gaeta]

I've had this happen to me once and vowed to never do the online thing again.

 

Just tell him you only see him as a friend only.

 

She did not meet him online. He works with her mom.

[Popsicle]

She did not meet him online. He works with her mom.

 

They got to know each other online. (I.e not face to face)

[Dis]

So I sent him a gentle text saying I didnt feel any chemistry and didnt think things would work out

 

I def did not say anything about attraction

 

He insisted on calling me even though I really just wanted this all to be short, kind and over with

 

He called me and poured his heart out. I felt so badly But I'm not going to lie, at the same time I was feeling a little short because I really didnt want to draw it out like he was

 

He said he was super nervous and when I opened the door I blew him away and that he has never seen anything like it. That he knows something is there and he wants another chance. He said I'm amazing and the man that gets me is going to be so lucky (yes I agree with you guys, he seems very intense) He felt like something was off and he blamed himself. I told him he did nothing wrong and tried to shorten things up while being as gentle as possible. I was pretty quite as he was talking a mile a minute. But what I did say was firm and definitive

 

He just sent me a longggg text echoing everything he already said to me

 

It sounds awful (and maybe it is) but I felt replused even on the phone. So those of you that told me not to give it another shot, thank you. Theres no coming back from that feeling

 

Hey, at least I know now that its possible to meet someone outside of OLD which I'm no longer taking part in. That at least gives me hope and I hope he can find what he's looking for too

[Gaeta]

You did good, you must be releived it's done. He sounds like he's lacking a bit of maturity. Time will take care of that. If you must - block him.

[Dis]

You did good, you must be releived it's done. He sounds like he's lacking a bit of maturity. Time will take care of that. If you must - block him.

 

Super relieved. That was a bit intense

 

Kind of a combo of being replused, guilty and trying to find the nearest exit all at once

 

I already put him in my spam folder because I have a feeling he is going to persist

[divegrl]

I'm so sorry my friend.

 

Hugs.

 

The right guy is out there!

[Cookiesandough]

Maybe say you don't feel a spark...that's like saying you're not attracted but in a nicer way.

 

Or go for "incompatible". because that's true too, just say a Hail Mary he isn't one of those types that wants specifics

 

Edited: sorry. Saw your update. Good job. Sorry it didn't work out

[bachdude]

So...now that you have told him you are not interested, your conscience can be completely clear to not respond to his voice messages, texts, emails...or even block him entirely.

 

You were kind enough to listen to his pleas on the phone so you have done more than enough.

[CoolJoe]

Yikes, talk about an infatuated person who is love bombing you and heavily displaying creepy behavior. I know it's not your job, D, but do you think it's worth considering letting him know how unattractive his behavior post-rejection is? It might help give him some insight for the next girl.

 

However, I understand doing so will mean interacting with him. For your own safety, you might want to lock the door and throw away the key.

[SevenCity]

Yikes, talk about an infatuated person who is love bombing you and heavily displaying creepy behavior. I know it's not your job, D, but do you think it's worth considering letting him know how unattractive his behavior post-rejection is? It might help give him some insight for the next girl.

 

However, I understand doing so will mean interacting with him. For your own safety, you might want to lock the door and throw away the key.

 

DON'T engage in this. If she were to do so one of two things would happen

 

1) he would be extremely hurt

2) he would think if he corrected this he would have a chance

 

Unless someone is begging you to tell them what went wrong and they can truly handle honest feedback, you are best off saying nothing.

 

D, I'm VERY glad you didn't find him attractive as all these behaviors would have wooed you. At best he is immature and inexperienced, at worst he's a psycho and has a box in his basement where he'll keep you so you never leave.

 

A healthy well adjusted person doesn't profess love after one date without taking a breath to even check how you are feeling. If things progressed he would have turned into a spineless doormat or a controlling jerk.

 

Your lack of attraction may have been triggered as you watched him eating feeling he was already overweight. Regardless of the reason, you dodged a bullet.

[Seriousperson]

So I sent him a gentle text saying I didnt feel any chemistry and didnt think things would work out

 

I def did not say anything about attraction

 

He insisted on calling me even though I really just wanted this all to be short, kind and over with

 

He called me and poured his heart out. I felt so badly But I'm not going to lie, at the same time I was feeling a little short because I really didnt want to draw it out like he was

 

He said he was super nervous and when I opened the door I blew him away and that he has never seen anything like it. That he knows something is there and he wants another chance. He said I'm amazing and the man that gets me is going to be so lucky (yes I agree with you guys, he seems very intense) He felt like something was off and he blamed himself. I told him he did nothing wrong and tried to shorten things up while being as gentle as possible. I was pretty quite as he was talking a mile a minute. But what I did say was firm and definitive

 

He just sent me a longggg text echoing everything he already said to me

 

It sounds awful (and maybe it is) but I felt replused even on the phone. So those of you that told me not to give it another shot, thank you. Theres no coming back from that feeling

 

Hey, at least I know now that its possible to meet someone outside of OLD which I'm no longer taking part in. That at least gives me hope and I hope he can find what he's looking for too

 

Creep alert. You already told him how you feel and he insists on trying again. You do not need to give him another chance and I really dislike when you tell someone you don't like them, they insist on trying. For him the better option would have been to back and move on, that may have even helped you maybe give him another chance. Do not feel bad as he seems to not be all that stable. This is pure infatuation.

[Cookiesandough]

You can't help feeling guilty about letting a nice person down. Anyone with empathy would I think

[mortensorchid]

First a few observations on this situation before you and in general...

 

You sound like a young girl (teenager/early twenties) based on things you said. If that is the case, you have a lot of things to learn about yourself and others around you. You describe yourself as being a very sexual person and having sex talk with this guy. I have some words of caution for you : DON'T. If you are a flamboyant person (be it about your sex life or otherwise), you will get stung by others because they are either jealous of it or offended by it. This sting has not happened to you yet, I can tell. Keep it up and it will. I fashioned a new persona about myself when I was in my mid/late twenties - mysterious, unattainable, keeping to myself about things with others. To avoid confusion about the matter at hand, I do not project myself as being virginal and pure to others, I am far from. What I project is an image of myself as being in the shadows and mysterious. It's for my protection and to keep a certain hype about myself, as well as others at bay because they will take information about you, even trivial things, and use them against you. Fact. But I digress...

 

You also sound like at teaser. This guy sounds socially awkward and you are getting a rise out of making him even more so to be. If that's the case, stop doing it. You'll feel guilty eventually about leading him on if you are not that interested. And you might not be respected for it by others.

[Popsicle]

I've had this happen to me once and vowed to never do the online thing again.

 

Just tell him you only see him as a friend only.

 

They got to know each other online. (I.e not face to face)

 

And to be even more specific - avoid dating anyone who lives far away that you can't see face-to-face in person easily and spontaneously.

[GemmaUK]

You dodged a bullet there.

He's insecure, love bombing and all of what he said is just throwing red flags up for a controlling nature at best. He is WAAAYY over the top!

 

Don't ever bring sex chat in though or come over over enthused when you really don't know or if that person is only on the 'edge' of your attractiveness radar.

 

Let's hope he doesn't contact your Mum. If you think he might you should tell her or she could undo this and make things worse by not knowing your feelings.