Marriage in free fall (very long)

[Trail Blazer]

This is wonderful news. I'm glad that your girlfriend hit it off with your mom.

 

Thank you.

 

Mom said that she thinks she is "just what I need." I told my girlfriend that and she was very happy as she wasn't assuming anything until I have her the feedback.

[Trail Blazer]

So it turns out my girlfriend has a cousin in Idaho and had planned to visit her this summer as she's 20 weeks pregnant, has 2 kids under 5 and her husband works away a lot. We decided to road trip together, leaving Thursday afternoon and we are staying the first night at my mom's. My mom liked my gf a lot so she was happy to host her and her son for the night.

 

I can't wait. Life has just been looking up and up in 2018.

[BettyDraper]

So it turns out my girlfriend has a cousin in Idaho and had planned to visit her this summer as she's 20 weeks pregnant, has 2 kids under 5 and her husband works away a lot. We decided to road trip together, leaving Thursday afternoon and we are staying the first night at my mom's. My mom liked my gf a lot so she was happy to host her and her son for the night.

 

I can't wait. Life has just been looking up and up in 2018.

 

Your mother seems like a very kind and welcoming woman. I'm sure that you will all have a great time. Keep us posted.

[Trail Blazer]

Your mother seems like a very kind and welcoming woman. I'm sure that you will all have a great time. Keep us posted.

 

Hey Betty!

 

As it turned out I met the inlaws! They were dropping off some stuff for their daughter and they'd heard about me through their grandson (my girlfriend's son). I agreed to meet them while they were in town. I wanted to.

 

It was an interesting experience. They were exactly as she had described. Rural folk and quite conservative. I have mixed heritage of middle eastern/Italian/Spanish/Irish descent. They looked at me like they'd never seen someone other than white caucasian. They were friendly enough, but seemed to be overly intrigued with my background. Then he checked to make sure I was "born in the states, right?" Yes, Idaho!

 

We hit the road that afternoon and rolled up at mom's place around midnight. Mom told me again after my girlfriend left for her cousin's that she really liked her and her little boy as well. Tomorrow I fly a redeye out of Boise and back to Portland en route to work. My girlfriend will be in Idaho for a week.

 

I am really going to miss her. She told me I'll know how she felt when I went to Cali for the week. I know we still haven't been together long but it feels like a special bond we have. It's just amazing and I have to pinch myself at where I sit right now compared to where I was only 7 months ago

[BluesPower]

I am really going to miss her. She told me I'll know how she felt when I went to Cali for the week. I know we still haven't been together long but it feels like a special bond we have. It's just amazing and I have to pinch myself at where I sit right now compared to where I was only 7 months ago

 

You see, these are the situations that I always point to when people say that the posters are to quick to D.

 

And I am not saying that every situation is the same. I am not saying that people should not try to save a marriage.

 

Be it infidelity, loss of attraction, incompatibility or what ever. At some point you have to call it.

 

And if you are no stupid, you can find some wonderful people out there.

 

 

You can find someone to love you properly, you just have to look...

[Trail Blazer]

You see, these are the situations that I always point to when people say that the posters are to quick to D.

 

And I am not saying that every situation is the same. I am not saying that people should not try to save a marriage.

 

Be it infidelity, loss of attraction, incompatibility or what ever. At some point you have to call it.

 

And if you are no stupid, you can find some wonderful people out there.

 

 

You can find someone to love you properly, you just have to look...

 

Agreed totally. I hung on way too long, only for the kids. In the end it was futile. I guess I maximized my time with them, so in that sense it wasn't time lost or wasted.

 

Our marriage was dead years ago. There was no happiness, just mysery. Sometimes people marry the wrong people. In an ideal world there would be no divorce, but that isn't going to happen. Not every relationship can nor should be salvaged.

 

I have fallen for my new partner in ways I never knew possible. She's absolutely perfect for me in every way. We're crazy about each other. She has the blessing of my mom, and I guess her parents were somewhat ok towards me as well.

 

I know I gave my marriage my all. I'm not a fickle person, but we were not right for each other. Partly we grew apart, but partly I matured and realized what I really wanted all along. I'm so incredibly lucky to have found what I wanted and then some!

[BettyDraper]

Agreed totally. I hung on way too long, only for the kids. In the end it was futile. I guess I maximized my time with them, so in that sense it wasn't time lost or wasted.

 

Our marriage was dead years ago. There was no happiness, just mysery. Sometimes people marry the wrong people. In an ideal world there would be no divorce, but that isn't going to happen. Not every relationship can nor should be salvaged.

 

I have fallen for my new partner in ways I never knew possible. She's absolutely perfect for me in every way. We're crazy about each other. She has the blessing of my mom, and I guess her parents were somewhat ok towards me as well.

 

I know I gave my marriage my all. I'm not a fickle person, but we were not right for each other. Partly we grew apart, but partly I matured and realized what I really wanted all along. I'm so incredibly lucky to have found what I wanted and then some!

 

Life is too short to live in misery. Children learn by example and modelling an unhappy marriage is toxic for them. I'm speaking from experience.

 

Remember how you feel about your girlfriend when the inevitable difficulties of life come up.

As you know, relationships are not always easy and sometimes it's hard to keep perspective during arguments and rough patches.

[Trail Blazer]

Life is too short to live in misery. Children learn by example and modelling an unhappy marriage is toxic for them. I'm speaking from experience.

 

Remember how you feel about your girlfriend when the inevitable difficulties of life come up.

As you know, relationships are not always easy and sometimes it's hard to keep perspective during arguments and rough patches.

 

Totally agreed. I am with someone who is very calm, very laid back, someone who doesn't get bogged down with being outraged by everything all of the time. Life sure does dish out challenges, but we've already worked through and will continue to work through more challenges together. We are able to work as a team better than I ever could with my ex.

[BettyDraper]

Totally agreed. I am with someone who is very calm, very laid back, someone who doesn't get bogged down with being outraged by everything all of the time. Life sure does dish out challenges, but we've already worked through and will continue to work through more challenges together. We are able to work as a team better than I ever could with my ex.

 

A positive attitude is healthy but I still think you might also want to be cautious. It is still very early in your relationship after all.

Most relationships start out on cloud nine.

 

There's also no reason to keep comparing your girlfriend to your ex since you have moved on from your wife.

Comparing a new partner to an ex is a sign of unfinished business.

[Trail Blazer]

A positive attitude is healthy but I still think you might also want to be cautious. It is still very early in your relationship after all.

Most relationships start out on cloud nine.

 

There's also no reason to keep comparing your girlfriend to your ex since you have moved on from your wife.

Comparing a new partner to an ex is a sign of unfinished business.

I don't make a habit of comparing the two. It was said in the context of Bluespower's post about people hanging on too long. I was just trying to illustrate his point in a practical way.

 

To be honest there is unfinished business. There's a divorce which is about to be processed. That is hanging over my head. It's something that will enable a lot of other things to happen. I want my kids to meet my new partner.

 

I welcome time to prove this relationship's potential frailties. Both myself and my girlfriend have never felt this way about anyone else before. That's not to say it's guaranteed on that alone, but both of us agree it's a special kind of connection we have. It is hard not to shout from the rooftops! I never thought it was possible to be this happy.

[BettyDraper]

I don't make a habit of comparing the two. It was said in the context of Bluespower's post about people hanging on too long. I was just trying to illustrate his point in a practical way.

 

To be honest there is unfinished business. There's a divorce which is about to be processed. That is hanging over my head. It's something that will enable a lot of other things to happen. I want my kids to meet my new partner.

 

I welcome time to prove this relationship's potential frailties. Both myself and my girlfriend have never felt this way about anyone else before. That's not to say it's guaranteed on that alone, but both of us agree it's a special kind of connection we have. It is hard not to shout from the rooftops! I never thought it was possible to be this happy.

 

I hope your divorce will not be acrimonious. Sometimes STBX spouses become vindictive out of jealousy.

 

It's beautiful to read about couples falling in love after bad experiences.

[Trail Blazer]

I hope your divorce will not be acrimonious. Sometimes STBX spouses become vindictive out of jealousy.

 

It's beautiful to read about couples falling in love after bad experiences.

 

We'll see. Jealousy can be a thing even if you don't want that person anymore. Either that, or resentment and hurt about being so quickly replaced. To be honest, that's her problem not mine. I gave my all to her under some very challenging circumstances. It might sound selfish, but now I'm ready to concentrate on my happiness.

 

Thank you for the warm sentiments regardless. Sunday evening my girlfriend gets back from Idaho. I will spend Sunday night with her before heading back to work Monday. This is the longest time we've ever been apart since the time between our first and second date. She has told me all the time how much she and her little boy miss me.

 

It's a beautiful time for me. I've never felt this way about anyone, nor has anyone ever made me feel so loved, valued and respected. I'm on top of the world right now!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Trail, it's been sometime since I have visited your thread. I am very happy for the way things are going for you. I was not able to access LS for quite a while and thought that I had been blocked for some reason. I got back on the site just by fluke when I tried idly, to see if I could get in. Well, it seems that a lot has happened in peoples lives especially yours, while I have been away.

 

While I am very happy that you have found new love and are, as Betty has said, on cloud nine, like her I would caution you to take baby steps in your path forward in cementing your relationship with your GF. You have been through a traumatic experience in your previous relationship and, as is to be expected, you have a lot of pent up emotional energy which is looking for an outlet. I have come across a term on this and other websites known as NRE, which stands for New Relationship Energy. I think both you and your GF, coming out from toxic and frustrating relationships, are ripe for falling victims to NRE. I am the last person to discourage you from moving to a new and happier phase of your life, however I would certainly advise abundant caution while doing so. It seems to me that you and probably your GF are looking at your relationship through rose coloured glasses. There is no harm in that so long as you remain grounded in reality and do not let your emotions over ride your common sense.

 

Some other aspects of your case that come to mind are that your stbxw was a lady of strong character and strong views. Although at the emotional level she was probably a bit cold, I think she did not want to harm you in any way. I think she challenged you to challenge yourself to raise your level with your boot straps. She also had a profound and beneficial effect on you intellectually. I think she was more like a parent or a school marm figure who, like a strict disciplinarian, tried to whip you into shape. She picked you up when you were a beardless youth and tried to mould you into her vision of a successful professional covering all the bases of a Happy Married Man. She would have had you as a high achieving professional, a good provider for your family, a hood husband to her and of course, a good father for the children that she had with you. In your thirteen years with her she put you through the school of life. However, when you were not able to achieve the high standards she had set for you, she finally gave up on you. Inspite of that I think the whole experience of being with her under her tuteledge has changed your perspective on life for the better overall. Of course there may be some negative aspects but the fact that you undertook a management course and now seek a higher and more fulfilling role for yourself in your career going forward. I would think this is something that will stand you in good stead in your future life.

 

I wanted to ask you if you have mentioned to your stbxw about your new relationship? At some point I think it would be prudent. I also think she is not a petty person who would hold it against you. Just a thought. Warm wishes.

[Trail Blazer]

It's now been a full year since I created this thread. I remember it clearly, where I was and what I was doing. I felt trapped under a weight of pressure, stress and unhappiness. I honestly felt at the time like I was destined for this misery until my daughter went to college, so 10+ years.

 

It's all very sound advice, just a guy. I know this all in theory, but it's hard to contain how I feel. I'm trying to live in the now, enjoy every day and not think too far ahead. It was my girlfriend's birthday last week, I took the day off work, picked her up in the 'stang and we went for a drive through the wine country. Yeah, I probably spent a bit too much on her, and she was extremely appreciative. But what is a guy to do? I have this unbelievably gorgeous girl who is all mine. We relate to each other, both the same age, 33... I still tell her now the same thing I told her on our second date Easter Saturday... I cannot believe how lucky I am.

 

I had an old buddy of mine I used to train with back in Boise come down for the weekend. We met at a city bar, another buddy of his was up from Cali with his girl, so we all had a few drink. So this punk walks up and hits on my girl and one thing led to another, my buddy intervened and security escorted the guy out just before it turned physical. My girl told me when we were leaving that I needed to relax, it was over and she'd much have preferred if I didn't approach the situation with the intent of getting physical. I know I'm rambling... but I thought girls like to know they're protected. She did appreciate it but at the same time... I dunno. It's a strange situation I find myself in, as that just didn't happen with my stbxw.

 

I have not told my stbxw, although I think she knows. I have a feeling my Facebook was hacked early on. I've since changed my password, upped security etc so it's impossible just about to hack, but she'd made some comments early in the piece which implied she knew something was up. She's been cooperative for the mkst part, although I'm very wary, I don't trust her that everything is always as she makes it seem.

 

As of April 1, Easter Saturday we have been an item and have gone from stregrh to strength. 4.5 months as official, not one blip on the radar. She's an absolute gem. She presented me with a large, framed collection of pictures with my kids and I, she said with the intention of making my kids feel welcome and more "at home" in my home. She told me to never refer to their mothers house as their home without also referring to my house as their home too.

 

Man, I don't know when honeymoon periods are supposed to end, but 4.5 months later and it's just getting sweeter and sweeter. If I'd known what was coming the day I'd created this thread, that a year later I'd be updating it with what I'm writing.... man, I could be knocked over with a feather!

[BluesPower]

It's now been a full year since I created this thread. I remember it clearly, where I was and what I was doing. I felt trapped under a weight of pressure, stress and unhappiness. I honestly felt at the time like I was destined for this misery until my daughter went to college, so 10+ years.

 

It's all very sound advice, just a guy. I know this all in theory, but it's hard to contain how I feel. I'm trying to live in the now, enjoy every day and not think too far ahead. It was my girlfriend's birthday last week, I took the day off work, picked her up in the 'stang and we went for a drive through the wine country. Yeah, I probably spent a bit too much on her, and she was extremely appreciative. But what is a guy to do? I have this unbelievably gorgeous girl who is all mine. We relate to each other, both the same age, 33... I still tell her now the same thing I told her on our second date Easter Saturday... I cannot believe how lucky I am.

 

I had an old buddy of mine I used to train with back in Boise come down for the weekend. We met at a city bar, another buddy of his was up from Cali with his girl, so we all had a few drink. So this punk walks up and hits on my girl and one thing led to another, my buddy intervened and security escorted the guy out just before it turned physical. My girl told me when we were leaving that I needed to relax, it was over and she'd much have preferred if I didn't approach the situation with the intent of getting physical. I know I'm rambling... but I thought girls like to know they're protected. She did appreciate it but at the same time... I dunno. It's a strange situation I find myself in, as that just didn't happen with my stbxw.

 

I have not told my stbxw, although I think she knows. I have a feeling my Facebook was hacked early on. I've since changed my password, upped security etc so it's impossible just about to hack, but she'd made some comments early in the piece which implied she knew something was up. She's been cooperative for the mkst part, although I'm very wary, I don't trust her that everything is always as she makes it seem.

 

As of April 1, Easter Saturday we have been an item and have gone from stregrh to strength. 4.5 months as official, not one blip on the radar. She's an absolute gem. She presented me with a large, framed collection of pictures with my kids and I, she said with the intention of making my kids feel welcome and more "at home" in my home. She told me to never refer to their mothers house as their home without also referring to my house as their home too.

 

Man, I don't know when honeymoon periods are supposed to end, but 4.5 months later and it's just getting sweeter and sweeter. If I'd known what was coming the day I'd created this thread, that a year later I'd be updating it with what I'm writing.... man, I could be knocked over with a feather!

 

Yeah, they all say that, and they all like it if no one gets hurt, and you don't get too out of hand with it...

 

And you will have some women that will deny this, but it is the way that it is.

 

You did the right thing...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Trail, thanks for the update! Enjoy yourself while the cloud nine effect lasts. I guess we all know that in human relations the good times come with the bad, the newness with anything wears off after a while and yet there is no reason to be pessimistic. I guess all of us make our Heavens and Hells right in the here and now. As long as you maintain an optimistic outlook and keep your feet grounded, you will not go wrong.

 

Wish you the very best going forward and do keep updating us on this thread or a new suitably titled one, in the future. Cheers!

[Trail Blazer]

Hi Trail, thanks for the update! Enjoy yourself while the cloud nine effect lasts. I guess we all know that in human relations the good times come with the bad, the newness with anything wears off after a while and yet there is no reason to be pessimistic. I guess all of us make our Heavens and Hells right in the here and now. As long as you maintain an optimistic outlook and keep your feet grounded, you will not go wrong.

 

Wish you the very best going forward and do keep updating us on this thread or a new suitably titled one, in the future. Cheers!

 

Thanks. Everything is going amazingly well with my gf. We couldn't be happier. She's told me nobody has felt about her the way I feel about her. Or at least, nobody has verbalized this AND backed up with behavior thst confirms this.

 

The time is fast approaching where I will inform the ex of my intention to introduce the children to my girlfriend. Unfortunately the ex has been difficult in recent weeks and there's been a few small issues with the kids staying with me. She's had them reporting back all sorts of things which she's taken out of context and used to have a go at me.

 

My girlfriend thinks she's doing this to try and control and manipulate me, because that is what she did while qe were together. She was very controlling and is extremely manipulative. So this will get interesting. I'm also getting my affairs in order to get the divorce through. I want to cut all ties to this woman in a legal sense other than sharing children.

[Trail Blazer]

An update. I've told my STBXW about my girlfriend. As I suspected she already knew. I have my theories about how she knew. She claims she knew through someone who knew someone etc. She started interrogating me about a whole lot of things, trying to draw me in to stuff which to be honest, I didn't think was her business nor things I had to justify to her.

 

In any case, I told her I was telling her for the kids' sake and out of courtesy to her, but that I didn't have to justify my reasoning to her as it was none of her business other than how it affects the kids. Of course she was baiting me into arguments, having shots about getting my Mustang as only a means to impress women, all these kinds of things. Any attempt to make something relevant to the kids, no matter how tenuous the link, she would tey just to have a shot.

 

I spoke with my kids on the phone and told them. My son has been a bit distant with me in recent times which is an entirely different matter. I told them that this woman is in my life now, so that means she's in yours too and that now they know about her, I feel it is important that they meet her soon. My daughter didn't really understand, but my son did, obviously being 12. He said he would think about it, but doesn't want to talk about it right now.

 

It will be interesting to see what happens from here. It could go either way. I'm hoping for the best but really, at this stage I'm expecting anything to happen.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Trail,, I'm very sorry to hear that your stbx wife is being difficult about things. What I gathered from your previous accounts about her it seemed that she was a very level headed and reasonable person. This new facet of her persona grates a bit. She was the one who terminated your marriage. You were loyal to her and your family till the end. She should not now act mean and bossy and try and control what you do. It is good that you clarified to her that she has no business in your affairs anymore. She may be suffering from a bit of sellers remorse now that you are no longer under her thumb. In a way I feel sorry for for her. She is a middle aged matron who is done with her second relationship and someone who is hopeful of getting a regular job with the Police. At this age and with her baggage she is going to find it increasingly difficult to find someone to share her life with.

 

In any case none of that is your problem any more. You should work to get a divorce at the earliest so that you are free of her. Do you have to pay her alimony and if so, is it crippling you? I do hope she does get a good stable job so that you can be absolved of having to support her at the earliest. Of course I understand that you will have to continue paying child support till your children with her come of age. At any rate your best bet is to maintain a cheerful and positive attitude to life in general. Have fun with your new relationship and keep your chin up. Warm regards.

[BettyDraper]

Your STBXW is clearly very jealous and hurt but that isn't your problem. You were respectful enough to let her know that you have a girlfriend.

 

I'm wondering if it's fair to expect your son to enjoy meeting your girlfriend when he just had to deal with his parents' separation. It seems like a lot of emotional upheaval at once. What's the harm in waiting until you're absolutely sure that this relationship will last? You and your girlfriend just started dating. It seems rather sudden to push this on your son. It could be beneficial to think about how these monumental changes could affect your son emotionally.

[Trail Blazer]

At what point is it "the right time?"

 

We have been dating for 6 months. I'm not going to pressure my kids to meet her if they really don't wish to. Even my ex agreed that there is no "right time" as the relationship could last another month, another year or forever. The reality is she is in my life and I can't segregate her and her son from my kids forever. At some point the leap has to be made.

[BettyDraper]

Six months is still a new relationship IMO.

 

I certainly wouldn't expect you to keep your children from your girlfriend indefinitely.

That wouldn't be practical or fair. I'm just suggesting that you may want to wait until your kids have had a chance to get used to their dramatically altered lives. It's great that you aren't pressuring your children to meet your girlfriend if they aren't ready though.

[Trail Blazer]

I will have my kids the weekend after next. I plan to introduce my kids to my girlfriend and her son that weekend. My girlfriend has a gorgeous black lab and my son LOVES dogs! I don't want to bring this up with the kids too early, as I don't want them discussing it with their mother who'll complicate the situation. I no longer trust her to be impartial on any matter pertaining to myself and the kids.

 

The plan will be to meet in a park, for my girlfriend to bring her dog and it will be a low pressure, easy meeting for an hour or so. I will speak with the kids on the day, just after picking them up and see how they feel about it. I won't pressure them to say yes, but I will raise it with them and let them know that if they're comfortable with meeting her today, she would love to.

 

Their mother knows of of my intention to introduce, so if they do decide they don't want to and then tell her afterwards, it's not exactly going to be a surprise. She may well be negatively conditioning them already, it's hard to know, so it may not happen for some time. As I told their mother, it's inevitable and cannot be avoided forever. She didn't seem too negative about the meet up, at least to my face.

 

I guess we'll see how we go.

[BettyDraper]

I will have my kids the weekend after next. I plan to introduce my kids to my girlfriend and her son that weekend. My girlfriend has a gorgeous black lab and my son LOVES dogs! I don't want to bring this up with the kids too early, as I don't want them discussing it with their mother who'll complicate the situation. I no longer trust her to be impartial on any matter pertaining to myself and the kids.

 

The plan will be to meet in a park, for my girlfriend to bring her dog and it will be a low pressure, easy meeting for an hour or so. I will speak with the kids on the day, just after picking them up and see how they feel about it. I won't pressure them to say yes, but I will raise it with them and let them know that if they're comfortable with meeting her today, she would love to.

 

Their mother knows of of my intention to introduce, so if they do decide they don't want to and then tell her afterwards, it's not exactly going to be a surprise. She may well be negatively conditioning them already, it's hard to know, so it may not happen for some time. As I told their mother, it's inevitable and cannot be avoided forever. She didn't seem too negative about the meet up, at least to my face.

 

I guess we'll see how we go.

 

For the sake of your children, I hope that your ex wife can be mature and respectful enough not to poison their minds.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Trail, any updates? Did you introduce your GF to your kids? Were there any problems in this matter from your stbx wife? Best wishes.