mightymouse89 Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 Hi, I was in a long distance for around 18 months, we were very much in love,her plan was to always come to london where i live in september this year after she graduated from uni to do a masters degree in london for a year. I live in london and she in italy, i became depressed making me needy, clingy, jealous and controlling. We broke up, she then came here in May and said she wanted to be together if it was possible in the future and that we need time apart to fix stuff. Then she went back to italy, i panicked and sent too many messages after she left, then i stopped doing that and contacting her and she sent warmer messages and we had better contact between each other but then she stopped contacting after 7 weeks when were were contacting each other each day. She then would send a message every week or two saying something like, good luck with your work project or happy bday to your mum. Then a few weeks ago she contacts me and tells me shes coming to london for a week to look for a house in september. She came the previous week and we met up and spoke for 3 hours, some laughing and smiling other stuff about us. She told me she didnt want a relationship with anyone right now, that she didn't know what would happen in the future between us and that i shouldn't waste opportunities and wait for her kind of, and that if we are meant to be together then we will. She also said that she wasn't sure about coming to london now and that she needed time to decide. Her friend is also coming to london who shes looking for a house with and she has always wanted to do a course here. I told here I didn't have any expectations about the future and that I want her to be happy, that I want to have a good life for myself in London and that if she came here then i'd like to hang out. I want advice about what to do, i love her, if someone says 'don't wait for me' then is that cutting off the chance completely because I had stopped contacting her and was getting on with my life so there was no need to say that, i didn't try and convince her of being together in the future, i just said id like to see her if she came. I also have a feeling maybe she was seeing someone which i find hard, and is now, i was jealous about someone and feel this is the person she may be seeing. Please help me.
elaine567 Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 I guess she got the impression that you were in fact "waiting for her" and she wanted to clarify her position that getting back together was not something she envisaged, not now and perhaps not ever.
Miss Spider Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 (edited) She feels guilty and wants you to move on. Edited August 13, 2017 by Cookiesandough
Sweetfish Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 Hi, I was in a long distance for around 18 months, we were very much in love,her plan was to always come to london where i live in september this year after she graduated from uni to do a masters degree in london for a year. I live in london and she in italy, i became depressed making me needy, clingy, jealous and controlling. We broke up, she then came here in May and said she wanted to be together if it was possible in the future and that we need time apart to fix stuff. Then she went back to italy, i panicked and sent too many messages after she left, then i stopped doing that and contacting her and she sent warmer messages and we had better contact between each other but then she stopped contacting after 7 weeks when were were contacting each other each day. She then would send a message every week or two saying something like, good luck with your work project or happy bday to your mum. Then a few weeks ago she contacts me and tells me shes coming to london for a week to look for a house in september. She came the previous week and we met up and spoke for 3 hours, some laughing and smiling other stuff about us. She told me she didnt want a relationship with anyone right now, that she didn't know what would happen in the future between us and that i shouldn't waste opportunities and wait for her kind of, and that if we are meant to be together then we will. She also said that she wasn't sure about coming to london now and that she needed time to decide. Her friend is also coming to london who shes looking for a house with and she has always wanted to do a course here. I told here I didn't have any expectations about the future and that I want her to be happy, that I want to have a good life for myself in London and that if she came here then i'd like to hang out. I want advice about what to do, i love her, if someone says 'don't wait for me' then is that cutting off the chance completely because I had stopped contacting her and was getting on with my life so there was no need to say that, i didn't try and convince her of being together in the future, i just said id like to see her if she came. I also have a feeling maybe she was seeing someone which i find hard, and is now, i was jealous about someone and feel this is the person she may be seeing. Please help me. Look.. Stop listening to the advice you here online about "needy" "clingy" and so on in regards to men and female attraction. 18 months down the line its very rare for a individuals to put in more effort into anything as they will become complacent. The only thing I will agree with is stand your ground when it comes to jealousy.. It just a bad trait to have and exercise. The real reason you got needy or clingy is you had a gut feeling your girl was talking to another guy or had an orbiter which is like 90% of the time and thus... you react by protecting your best interest. Clingy or not she would have still shifted and you would be in the same scenario in my opinion. This typically happens when the boyfriend or girlfriend starts getting close to a co-worker and swears they are not getting "close" but when there is a separation they tend to end up with the co-worker. You are in a LDR. which hardly work... close distant relationship hardly work these days... so its very little LDRs work.. You can either twiddle your thumbs and let some guy put the moves on your girl or do something.. young and experience men do not know how to respond to this so they panic and get desperate. I simply start to check out of the relationship as I do not compete or entertain monkey branching. You might not see it... but its very obvious you will be used and she is clearly telling you that you will be used. Then a few weeks ago she contacts me and tells me shes coming to london She told me she didnt want a relationship with anyone right now, that she didn't know what would happen in the future between us and that i shouldn't waste opportunities and wait for her kind of, and that if we are meant to be together then we will. This is how you get a donkey to walk... you stick a carrot in front of it and let it walk... Because the donkey thinks if he walks, he will get closer to the carrot... . So when she is in London she will use your lust to get what she wants (house shopping) and has placed safe guards to keep you at foot lengths. You are powerless in this relationship and any moves that places her on a pedestal which we can clearly see in her dialogue hurts your chances... Do not entertain her in London. You are not boyfriend and girlfriend and you do not want to enter a friend zone or its over. I suggest strict NC so you can think about what are the benefits of this relationship. You have proved and she knows you love her... that is all you need to do... Ball in her court. Will you listen.. probably not... want to read my other post where I tell the OP what the outcome will be and and they choose to chase and nibble on bread crumbs.. more than welcome to read my post in other threads. I was just in London... so many hot women.. you have choices 1
Bastile Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 I live just outside of London. I had an Italian girlfriend who went back to Italy for periods (Sicily and then Florence). I played the long-game with her during those times. You couldn't get more different. Night and day. I'll explain why (which you'll likely just ignore, but it's enjoyable to go back over a set). Trust A knockout hot girl in Italy. Expect her to get the D from somewhere. Don't be naive about this. Keep a "don't ask, don't tell policy". Exclusivity Don't grant her exclusivity. See other women. Your commitment to her is that you are messaging her regular. In this way, women try and sneak exclusivity through the back door - by monopolizing your resources such as time and energy. This is leads to a relationship of the best possible dynamics. She pushes for exclusivity, even over distance, then dodge it. Stand firm against any sort of hissy fit. You shouldn't have trusted her to be faithful. You should have kept an openness about the relationship. You should have been seeing other women. And you shouldn't take relationships too seriously with women in general - that's their issue to be dealing with. And for any potential haters, my Italian ex-girlfriend was a knockout "hot girl", was bugging me about joining her in Italy, trying to initiate repeated exclusivity talks, talked to me just about every day without fail, and literally jumped into my arms on returning to England. What a difference some game makes.
d0nnivain Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 This is basically the same Q you posted the other day with a few more details: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/632050-guidance-winning-back-my-ex-gf Her telling you not to wait for you is her way of telling you that it's unlikely you will get back together. She wants you to go out & date others 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 This is basically the same Q you posted the other day with a few more details: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/632050-guidance-winning-back-my-ex-gf Her telling you not to wait for you is her way of telling you that it's unlikely you will get back together. She wants you to go out & date others Yes, I agree. Usually we (women) say that also because we know we want to date others and don't want you to get hurt in the process, OP.
springy Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 Do not wait for me, because I am not waiting for you. She is exploring other "opportunities" and you should too.
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