Guidance on winning back my ex gf?

[mightymouse89]

So...here it goes..I'm a guy, I met this girl 2 years ago in the UK, after 3 or 4 dates she then left to go to italy, we started long distance, she lives in Italy and me in England. We fell in love, had the best time of my life, we even lived together over last sumer for 6 weeks and I still love her now. It lasted until April-May this year, so just over 20 months, I became depressed and I wasn't mature enough to cope so it made me insecure, jealous, paranoid, needy and controlling. Which caused us to break up. When we broke up we then saw each other in May this year and said we needed time apart from each other and she told me she loved me, she wanted to be with me in the future if it was possible and that we needed time apart to fix things if we were going to have a chance of being together again..

 

She was finishing her last year at uni in italy and has been doing her exams after she left here in May, she has now finished uni, her plan all along was coming here in September in London to do a Masters Degree for a year. Effectively my gf broke up with me instead of a mutual break up. After she left she didn't say the same things as she said here, she said she wanted to be happy and if we will be together then that will happen. When she left to go back to Italy I didn't react well, i panicked and sent too many heavy messages, then i got better and stopped contacting her which caused her to send messages like 'i hope you're holding onto us' 'i miss you' etc.

 

After a period of sending warm messages she then went quiet for a month,contacting every now and then to say good luck with your work project, say happy birthday to your mum from me,every once a week or couple of weeks just something, she then contacts me to say shes coming to London where I live for a week to find a house for her degree in September, we met up 2 days ago for the first time in 3 months.

 

We talked for 3 hours, we talked at times like we did before when together, laughing and smiling then we talked about us. I think if 2 people have been in love then when that person looks at you like no one else you can see in their eyes that they still have strong emotions for you, i saw this in her eyes a few times that she still feels for me. She told me she was unsure about what she should do, whether she wanted to come to london or not, she asked me what she should do, i said whats do whats best for you, she reiterated that her coming to london doesn't mean we'd neccasarily be together which of course I already know as I told her I don't have any expectations about the future and that I just want to build a good life in london and if she was there then thats cool and id like to see her.

 

She told me she didn't want a relationship with anyone right now as she didn't like the idea which was tainted by our relationship as i became insecure and it was a suffocating relationship for her. She told me that i shouldn't waste opportunities and not to wait for her kind of, that if we are meant to be together then we will, which is what i said, i just said i want to concentrate in building a good life and being the man i want to be and if we are meant to be together then we will. She told me that the best things in our relationship became the worst and that she didn't know what would happen in the future, but of course she doesn't. I think she could see that I was a bit sad but I had matured slightly.

 

After she left London yesterday we messaged a bit more than we have for the previous month or so. It was mostly light hearted and some about us with her saying again that just wants to make sure that i dont waste opportunities and that i dont wait for her kind of and that if we'll be together then we will be together, I just reiterated i want to focus on having a good life in london. She has one month to work out whether or not she's coming here, she says if she doesn't come here then she doesn't know what she will do. A few months ago she would say even after we had broken up she can't wait to be in London, but as of the other day she said its a great course, shes worried about money, she came here to find a house but didn't find one and shes unsure as anyone would be going to live in a new city. She was also looking for a house in East London which is where I live, she even said that the day before she was walking near where I live She is supposed to be finding a house with a flat mate of hers from last year, her flat mate is coming to London to have a look also in 10 days, her friend is def coming here to start a similar course so she will def find a house then its just up to my ex whether she moves here or not. Basically I know I ****ed up in this relationship, I know I love this woman and if there is a chance of us being together again then I'd like to take that chance so I'm looking for advice about what i can do to basically bring positive change and get back with my ex. I'm 28 and she's 23 btw.

[PegNosePete]

After a period of sending warm messages she then went quiet for a month,contacting every now and then to say good luck with your work project

It sounds as though this is the point she got a new boyfriend.

 

She told me she didn't want a relationship with anyone right now

Yeah, they all say that. Do you believe her? Or do you think she just doesn't want to be in a relationship with you? I'd bet my bottom dollar it's the latter.

 

She told me that i shouldn't waste opportunities and not to wait for her

Yes, I agree with her.

 

I'm looking for advice about what i can do to basically bring positive change and get back with my ex. I'm 28 and she's 23 btw.

The best thing you can do is to get on with your life and try to get over her. That means cutting contact, for now. Once you have got over the relationship then maybe you can get back in contact as friends, but while you still have feelings, that will be impossible and will just hurt you. You should tell her that for now, you need time apart from her and that means no messages, texting, facebook, etc. Once your pain is over, then you can think about resuming contact.

 

It may seem counter-intuitive but this is honestly the best thing you can do, to give yourself the best possible chance.

[mightymouse89]

Well of course I know she doesn't want a relationship with me right now, she did break up with me, thats clear enough eh.. and yes I do believe her when she says she doesnt want a relationship with anyone right now because I didn't ask anything about anyone else, whether she is seeing anyone else so she didnt say that in defence of anything, she just said it herself so she had no need to say anything about that. Plus it doesnt make sense for her to be committed in a serious relationship to someone right now because she may well be moving countries in one month, shes confused

 

Ok i understand but I have no need to tell her that we should have no contact otherwise that sounds like its too hard for me, I just wont contact her and let that happen naturally, she'll let me know whether she comes to live here or not and that isnt very far away so as you say yes I'll just focus on other things

[d0nnivain]

She's got bigger fish to fry then your romance right now. She has a short time to figure out grad school & her living arrangements.

 

Although it might not work, be her go to point guy on the relocation for now Send her notices for flat rentals, especially ones she might not find on line. Offer to go check the places out & send her pictures.

 

If she decides to come to London, help her move. Get her a housewarming gift when she moves in (I'm thinking small plant) & offer to treat her to dinner.

 

After she gets settled, then & only then talk about reconciliation. For now let her see that you are reliable, have her best interests at heart & are not clingy.