Another breakup, this time with my fiancée

[mmiller5373]

I know you're asking somebody else, but I'll answer too.

 

She has low self esteem, and uses others for validation. She is an attention whore, and likely will always be one. She lacks empathy and sees people as objects to manipulate, not human beings with feelings. It's not to say she doesn't experience guilt because she does, but not so much about how she hurt you but rather her actions portraying her in a bad light, perhaps tarnishing her image. So, if she can make things right with you and assuage that guilt, she comes out of it smelling like a rose. Even better, if she can rope you into a friendship while banging the new guy, her ego soars to lofty heights and she is elated to no end. She's got two on the hook. I could go on, but you get the picture.

 

Curious to know what the women in this message board have to say about it. Seems the men here have harsh opinions on the matter.

 

The women who worked with us and knew her well believe she's just a confused 25-year-old girl who isn't sure what she wants anymore. She doesn't know what it's like to be an adult. First job. Still lives with parents.

 

Seems like the men in here are making her out to be this ruthless bitch, which I assure you, she's not.

Edited October 18, 2017 by mmiller5373
misspelling

[mmiller5373]

It's been more than two months since I've posted in this thread.

 

The holidays were rough. Living in a new state where I don't have close friends or family made it even more difficult.

 

Also... someone hacked my ex's social media accounts and she started telling everyone it was me. I've had numerous mutual friends and former co-workers delete me from Facebook because of the lies she's spreading around about me. I haven't reached out. Been NO CONTACT since early October.

 

I've been dating... but man... now I remember why I hated being single so much. Dating sucks. More and more drama.

[CupCakess]

Would love to hear from some others... thoughts? Opinions? Advice?

 

Pretty much what was said before.

 

She started dating you at age 23, that is pretty young. I also agree this has to do with her social group.

 

Her friends are single, live the single life, have fun and sleep around, and in her mind she feels she could be doing that. If it was the other way around

a single girl with married friends she would probably want to be married. This is just what happens. Usually married people should hang out with married people, otherwise the majority corrupts the minority in the group

 

In any case, it was you who technically ended the relationship. So while I understand why you did it, you should stick to your original plan and realise it was for the best.

 

She wasn't ready to get married, and she was acting spoiled and bratty because of what she was missing out, but she also did love you because after the many fights she did wanted to keep the relationship going and tried to work on it. In the end your choice of leaving her was probably for the best.

[mmiller5373]

Pretty much what was said before.

 

She started dating you at age 23, that is pretty young. I also agree this has to do with her social group.

 

Her friends are single, live the single life, have fun and sleep around, and in her mind she feels she could be doing that. If it was the other way around

a single girl with married friends she would probably want to be married. This is just what happens. Usually married people should hang out with married people, otherwise the majority corrupts the minority in the group

 

In any case, it was you who technically ended the relationship. So while I understand why you did it, you should stick to your original plan and realise it was for the best.

 

She wasn't ready to get married, and she was acting spoiled and bratty because of what she was missing out, but she also did love you because after the many fights she did wanted to keep the relationship going and tried to work on it. In the end your choice of leaving her was probably for the best.

 

I honestly do not think I was the one to end the relationship. I asked for a break so we could fix things.

[anthle702]

I feel your pain man, the holidays were rough, and dating.. sucks. I have a different perspective for you though.

 

For this girl to write you this letter, it shows you her empathy, she still mourns your relationship. I'd feel so much better if I got something like this, but not all of us are so lucky.

 

Just know that this girl is extremely confused, young, and doesnt know what she wants. We all deserve someone who fights for their relationship and is head over heels.

 

We're all healing out here, so PM if you want to talk.

[magnesium]

Curious to know what the women in this message board have to say about it. Seems the men here have harsh opinions on the matter.

 

The women who worked with us and knew her well believe she's just a confused 25-year-old girl who isn't sure what she wants anymore. She doesn't know what it's like to be an adult. First job. Still lives with parents.

 

Seems like the men in here are making her out to be this ruthless bitch, which I assure you, she's not.

 

I'm not a woman.

 

However, I am chiming in here because it's important to understand that the root problem here deals with toxic behavior, and not about the fact that your ex is a woman.

 

There are toxic men who display similar toxic tendencies as women. It does seem that there are some types of toxic behaviors which may be more prevalent in a certain gender. This is because culture/society normalizes and attempts to assign certain destructive behaviors to one gender or another.

 

However, that still doesn't change the fact that the underlying behavior is unhealthy, and not workable for a relationship.

Edited January 8, 2018 by magnesium

[mmiller5373]

I'm not a woman.

 

However, I am chiming in here because it's important to understand that the root problem here deals with toxic behavior, and not about the fact that your ex is a woman.

 

There are toxic men who display similar toxic tendencies as women. It does seem that there are some types of toxic behaviors which may be more prevalent in a certain gender. This is because culture/society normalizes and attempts to assign certain destructive behaviors to one gender or another.

 

However, that still doesn't change the fact that the underlying behavior is unhealthy, and not workable for a relationship.

 

Guess I'm a little confused by your reply. What toxic behavior are you talking about?

[magnesium]

Guess I'm a little confused by your reply. What toxic behavior are you talking about?

 

She wanted to try counseling with you but was dating another man. She was stringing you along, and she was lying by omission to you. Liars rarely hide one thing. And remember, you wrote in your original post that you and her had a "good talk" right before your co-worker told you she was seeing another guy. Ask yourself, what kind of human being would do something this messed up on purpose?

 

You said she insulted you over the phone. She essentially blamed you for all the problems. That's called blame-shifting, she is taking the spotlight off herself and making you the bad guy.

 

And this part I may be incorrect but I'm taking a stab at it. You say she is emotional, but it sounds like she uses that as a pity-ploy to gain sympathy, and to get out of taking accountability for her actions.

 

Also, as I read your original post, it seems there were communication issues, as in she wasn't communicating with you specifically. However, she keeps throwing breadcrumbs to keep you on the hook. She is giving you false hope. She is not respecting you.

 

She spread lies about you after you went NO CONTACT, and you said that you lost friends on social media because of what she was saying about you.

 

You said also that you were having trouble figuring out your behavior over the last several months. When you have to start playing detective to find out why someone acts the way they do, that means your instinct is telling you something isn't adding up, and you can feel it, you know something is off but you can't put your finger on it.

 

The toxic behaviors here can be seen as lying by omission, verbal abuse, blame-shifting, emotional manipulation (pity-ploy), offering false hope, vengefulness (accused you of hacking her social media).

[mmiller5373]

Thank you for the astute reply, magnesium!

 

She wanted to try counseling with you but was dating another man. She was stringing you along, and she was lying by omission to you. Liars rarely hide one thing. And remember, you wrote in your original post that you and her had a "good talk" right before your co-worker told you she was seeing another guy. Ask yourself, what kind of human being would do something this messed up on purpose?

 

Someone who is very selfish and self-absorbed. Probably insecure too.

 

You said she insulted you over the phone. She essentially blamed you for all the problems. That's called blame-shifting, she is taking the spotlight off herself and making you the bad guy.

 

And this part I may be incorrect but I'm taking a stab at it. You say she is emotional, but it sounds like she uses that as a pity-ploy to gain sympathy, and to get out of taking accountability for her actions.

 

Damn straight! The entire breakup was my fault, according to her. She continues to tell people that I broke up with her, when in fact, she was the one who broke things off with me. Also, during our "therapy" sessions, she continued to shift the blame to me and my "drinking." While I can admit that there had been a few occasions where I drank too much and got angry with her, she herself would drink too much, blackout and have freak-outs/panic attacks.

 

When I apologized for the mistakes I made and told her I'm trying to correct them... I asked her what she thinks she did wrong. She said, "I guess I was just careless in the relationship."

 

Careless? That's it??? You've got to be kidding me.

 

Also, as I read your original post, it seems there were communication issues, as in she wasn't communicating with you specifically. However, she keeps throwing breadcrumbs to keep you on the hook. She is giving you false hope. She is not respecting you.

 

She spread lies about you after you went NO CONTACT, and you said that you lost friends on social media because of what she was saying about you.

 

You said also that you were having trouble figuring out your behavior over the last several months. When you have to start playing detective to find out why someone acts the way they do, that means your instinct is telling you something isn't adding up, and you can feel it, you know something is off but you can't put your finger on it.

 

The toxic behaviors here can be seen as lying by omission, verbal abuse, blame-shifting, emotional manipulation (pity-ploy), offering false hope, vengefulness (accused you of hacking her social media).

 

She basically used me as a "security blanket" while starting a relationship with the new guy. Also... I guess he asked her out back in March. We were engaged through May. Not once during those two months did she tell me anyone asked her out or did she tell me about meeting this man. She also accepted his friend request on Facebook.

 

All behavior that is wrong for someone who is engaged.