Fiancée and mother of child broke up with me and left

[Itspointless]

After googling the attachment disorder stuff posted above I am amazed. She ticks every box. The reason the sex stopped and she got further away is because I pushed more and became more insecure and needy. All the hallmark signs.

Again, attachment-styles have nothing to do with disorders ...

 

It isn't a diagnosis. I gave a bet of some parameters. I also advice you also to take a attachment-style test. You can find some online.

Edited August 26, 2017 by Itspointless

[Jman220]

So we were all on the pool yesterday laughing around and i went to hug her, she pulled away and got defensive saying we're not in a relationship etc. I stupidly then started talking (it's who I am !) and said that I love her and our family and I don't want things to be this way. She got pretty cold and showed zero sign of caring about me whatsoever.. it feels like the one way I'll actually start moving on from this is finding someone else casually and just living my life. Going home is gig to be hell- I've had my kid everyday here and it's going to be back to only a few days a week plus work/bills etc etc.

 

I wish I could've learned about these attachment styles earlier- I might of been able to adapt while still having the chance to remain with my family but that's in the past now and out my hands. I would never have had a child with her if I didnt want to be in it for the long haul- but I just have to play the cards I've been dealt from here. Still got 10 days of our vacation left to go. It's awkward and so hard for me having to sleep in selerate beds and not have any kind of affection or intereaction like before... she seems so unphased and independent, I'm sure inside she's not, but she copes that way.

 

Will post more later in the week

[Reddice]

I agree with our Blues friend here. I think there might be more going on than meets the eye...

[Jman220]

So day 5

 

I asked her directly yesterday morning if she wants to sort this out or not- she said yes but it's going to take time and she won't be giving any affection or progress until she feels ready to ?!

 

We spent a day at a park with family. Came back and went to the pool- she stopped and kissed me, which was good ?! :/

 

Went out and had dinner in the evening with our kid. Our kid fell asleep in her stroller pretty earlier and we ate and talked a lot and had a walk around the shops. Then got into seperate beds

 

Today she's been cordial, jumped on me in the pool and held me for a moment. Otherwise still distant. I'm really dreading going home, it's going to be like breaking up all over again except this time at least I know it's coming and I can prepare ?

 

I'm going to ask her out to dinner one night before we leave, fully prepared for her to reject- but while we're away it seems a good shot. It almost felt today like she was angry at herself as we had a good time last night and I think part of her doubts what's happening. My cousin and his gf fell out this morning- then made up. She made a comment of "well she got over that quickly- i don't make it that easy!@ whatever that meant ?!

[Itspointless]

Hi man, I think it is wise for you to be not to eager. Do not want to be to romantic (yet). I think exactly that will push her away. It are your needs, probably not hers when it comes to experiencing love at this moment. Good Luck!

[standtall]

This reeks of a 3rd party involvement. Women with toddlers just don't up and leave their spouse without some extreme issues such as another guy.

[Jman220]

This reeks of a 3rd party involvement. Women with toddlers just don't up and leave their spouse without some extreme issues such as another guy.

 

There are extreme issues bud- she doesn't want sex or intimacy ever. With anyone not just me, I have never seen her hug anyone in her family EVER... the only people I have seen her hug is me previously and our kid, in 6 years. She has discussed the break up wth 2 people, her mother and best friend. All her other friends she won't talk to, she won't talk to anyone at all period, she clearly had some major issues. I'm not saying 3rd party involvement isn't possible, but I have checked EVERyWHERE and there is nothing. There would be a comment to a friend, email, phone record, Facebook somewhere, I'm not stupid and I know where to look.. I had a friend living closeby to her new place, can see from the window. Never seen anyone there, neither has my kid.. I actually do believe her that there's no one.

 

We argued bad for the last year- because I couldn't get an answer from her about anything and being rejected constantly made me lose my ****. what I'm slowly learning is if you back off and wait till she is ready, she often will slowly open up. Either that or ask things when she's particularly stress free and chilled.

 

If I am wrong and there is another guy, we will obviously find out in time. That was my thought for a long time, but I would've found out by now, I know everyone where we live and run a local business etc. News travels fast here.

[BluesPower]

I do hope that you are right...

 

But this would be easier to understand if she was screwing around.

 

Her behavior is just totally weird in every way.

 

Is it possible that she is actually losing her mind or something?

 

I mean no sex for what a year and no affection??? She either hates you, yes I serious, or she is screwing around.

 

Either she is crazy in some way, she hates you for some reason, or she is having an affair...

 

My real question is why are you still with her in the first place? I mean if she won't talk or get help, and won't change, why stay married at all?

 

Maybe she is chicken to pull the trigger on the divorce, I don't think you should be...

[Jman220]

I do hope that you are right...

 

But this would be easier to understand if she was screwing around.

 

Her behavior is just totally weird in every way.

 

Is it possible that she is actually losing her mind or something?

 

I mean no sex for what a year and no affection??? She either hates you, yes I serious, or she is screwing around.

 

Either she is crazy in some way, she hates you for some reason, or she is having an affair...

 

My real question is why are you still with her in the first place? I mean if she won't talk or get help, and won't change, why stay married at all?

 

Maybe she is chicken to pull the trigger on the divorce, I don't think you should be...

 

 

I think she is suffering from severe depression and has since she found out her mother had embezzled 5k from her (our daughter was 6 months old and I think she also had post natal dep). This was a pivotal moment he sex slowed drastically. Before kid our relationship was really good. Close, lots of sex. Happy. She values independence highly and she became a stay at home mother which I think didn't help. I was the typical guy, come home, put the money in the table and get frustrated when I couldn't get any intimacy. It's easy to see her side now I've had time to reflect, I made some poor choices and could've been more mature.. is never had a kid or these family issues before.

 

Maybe you're right, I am young, healthy, have enough money and I could easily move on, but I don't want to. I want to be with her and our family. So I'm going to play this out. Then when my kid asks why, I'll tell her I did my absolute best and I loved her mother. I have plenty of time to find someone else if I have to. Reconciliation from something like this takes a long time I know that. And I know it's likely that won't happen, but when you love something you fight for it. And I'm not done fighting yet.

[sandylee1]

She's playing hard to get. She wants you begging and moving the earth.....

 

I think you need to back off and leave it to her now. That comment about the money will sting for a long time. ...but you have a better chance if you back off.

 

While on vacation after the little one is sleeping. ..go out for a long walk. Hang out at the bar and have a quiet drink. ..... distance yourself in order to protect your heart.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jman, having read through your thread till the end I really think you are flogging a dead horse. Your wife/ stbx(?) is keeping you wrapped around her little finger because she can read you like an open book. For the life of me I do not understand why you are wasting time and your youth on someone who is just not prepared to appreciate you. Your wife has serious emotional/ mental problems and even if she bestows her benevolence on you this time, a similar situation can crop up in the not too distant future and you will be back to square one. You have been told that she has had a problem in other relationships so it is obvious this is a personality flaw in her. If that be the case then what do you want for yourself? A life full of frustration and always tying yourself down to her petticoat strings? Wake up and smell the coffee. Warm wishes.

[standtall]

JMan...you are right, there are some other serious issues, but not wanting sex is typically not one of them. Here is the rest of my list.

 

1. Emotional/physical abuse by either.

 

2. Emotional abandonment by you..this could be too much golf, xbox, hobbies, days out with buddies,etc.

 

3. Mental issues by either party....this one seems to be high chance in your case.

 

4. Drug/alcohol issues by either.

 

 

I would say between cheating and this list, it covers about 95% of when women with minor children get up and leave.

[Jman220]

JMan...you are right, there are some other serious issues, but not wanting sex is typically not one of them. Here is the rest of my list.

 

1. Emotional/physical abuse by either.

 

2. Emotional abandonment by you..this could be too much golf, xbox, hobbies, days out with buddies,etc.

 

3. Mental issues by either party....this one seems to be high chance in your case.

 

4. Drug/alcohol issues by either.

 

 

I would say between cheating and this list, it covers about 95% of when women with minor children get up and leave.

 

For the last year I certainly started to shut down. I couldn't take the stonewalling anymore :/

 

Every argument boiled down to no sex or affection on my part. I have been verbally abusive at times, she has been emotionally and verbally abusive a bunch. Today wasn't so good. I let myself down

 

We were having a good time and she was being fairly open. Stupidly I asked some questions about why she felt the sex stopped. She said she knew that was what killed us and that she wasn't interested in me like that for the last year or 2. I think that's down to the stress and arguing a lot as I'm not in bad shape, I get female attention and I don't think I'm bad at sex ? (Lol). We argued a little and she's been cold since and shutdown. My bad, I've got a wandering tongue !

 

To the poster above- you're probably right. I am flogging a deadbeat horse. I'm sure in the near future she will find someone who she wants to sleep with and everything will be done permanently. I don't however feel she will ever have a good lasting relationship longterm whike she has these communication issues, which is a shame for her..

 

I have a listening issue, she's made it clear she wants to not discuss anymore and to just have good time together and see f we can rebuild. I should've listened and done that or just given up I guess. But I am like a dog with a bone sometimes. Still hurt and want to fix this but I can't fix her side. I am truly sorry for what I've done wrong along the way. I just wanted to be loved :/ but someone will love me and my daughter def does

[Jman220]

Update-

 

Had a good last 2 days. No arguing. Went and saw some fireworks with our kid tonight, she gave me a hug a couple of times, held my hand for a while and kissed me once- all her initiation as I'm trying to back off and be stronger seem less interested or pushy.

 

After dinner tonight we walked back to the hotel, kindve hoped for a meaningful kiss but got just a peck on the cheek. But it's progress ? Or frendzone territoy ?

She made comments about "look at where we were 8 weeks ago compared to now" and general hints about "building". I think more will come out once this trip is over ? We get along good, we laugh, flirt a little, seem to enjoy company etc. It's the same old thing of trying to get her open to being intimate again.. she always said it will take time and I guess we have to rebuild from the emotional damage of the break up ? Either that or I'll get tossed completely when we get back. Our kid is so happy us all together, it's hard... hopefully some proper space when we get back will slow her to miss me and our family. There's a good chance that I'm wasting time by not moving on like you've all said- but I feel like I want to play this out still ?!

 

More to come next few days >

[Jman220]

Another update -

 

Almost st the end of our trip now.

 

We went to a theme park today just us 2. Had a good time, she held my hand a lot today and we had a few hugs which we both seemed to enjoy. I went to kiss her once and she turned and gave me the cheek- which was a bit meh. But I didn't react and just smiled! We then went and got some gifts for our kid together afterwards.. on the walk back she went a bit cold as she seems to everytime after a nice day, I think it's either guilt or her own mind considering her decisions.

 

Yesterday we talked a bit about the sex issue, lots of things she says are starting to point towards it not just being lack of attraction. She hates her body, especially since child birth.. the sex after the child was less intimate and she was really funny about her breaststroke benign touch after she'd breastfed out daughter. She's mentioned wasnting surgery and made a comment about that might help her "mojo"?! Lol I'm sure this added to LOA due to the bad relationship and stress all adds up. However I am def likely to be editing things for my own sanity..

 

Not looking forward to going home. Long flight, back to my own and only seeing my kid half the time. It's going to be tough. But I'm ready for it this time and I've got a plan..

 

Another thing she mentions regularly is "taking it slow". If I don't touch her or pull back. She will almost always come to me. Touch my arm. Hold my hand, hug me. Kissed me once passionately this trip. I need to do this more. Still spend time with them but also be more aloof and not push for affection ever. I think the cknstant pressure for sex from me made it impossible for her- alongside her personal issues.

 

Still aware she may be sleepimg with someone else in no time. I may be too if I have to ? God knows I really need a blow out ! But I want it with her :/ my attraction is through the roof right now, it's tough :/ lol

 

Interested to se how things are after the holiday.

 

Jman

[Itspointless]

Still aware she may be sleepimg with someone else in no time. I may be too if I have to ? God knows I really need a blow out ! But I want it with her :/ my attraction is through the roof right now, it's tough :/ lol

Jman

If you want to built with her and you find it worth waiting for a family for your child, I would stick to your hand for a while. Good luck!

[Jman220]

Been back home for 2 days now.

 

After driving back from the airport me and the little one came back here and she went to hers. I fell asleep on the sofa early evening and woke up to her blowing my phone up asking about our kid. Saying she missed her and was distraught. I txt her saying not to worry and she would see her tomo. We went upto bed. She then tried to FaceTime me several time and literally blew my phone up. When I answered she was in floods of tears and as upset as I've ever seen her. I did something that perhaps was bad tactically but I got in the car with my kid and went to her, my kid said she wanted to see mummy and I felt genuinely bad for her. We arrived, they cuddled and we had some food together. She then asked if I'd like to stay with them and we all got into bed together and slept. I cuddled her once around my daughter, then as my daughter rolled over I put my arm around thwm again but after a min or so she asked me to move it, which I did and went to sleep. Woke up earlier than them and left without waking them.

 

She txt me early afternoon saying they just woke up from jet lag and I was out with friends. I've decided I'm not going to initiate contact anymore, if she wants to build this she has to do the work. I am worth it. She asked a couple of times where I was today and why I was doing. She seems a little agitated h was out with friends in town.

 

She asked about plans for our kid tomo (she's with me) and I said I was taking our kid out somewhere, she said she didn't have any plans and I said she was welcome to come and spend a day together if she'd like to which she accepted. I hope this is her way of building ? I am confused by her holiday actions, ice cold then warm when we were alone in the daytimes. Saying she wants to fix us, but slowly and when she feels ready etc.

 

That's about it for now. More updated to follow.

 

I played some sport today and spent some time with the guys which was good. My friends have been amazing and I have some support which I truly appreciate.

 

jman

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jman, after reading through your last few posts I am getting the feeling that you have latched on to the right approach as far as your wife is concerned. The more you appear unconcerned and busy with activities of your own the more it preys on her mind that you may inadvertently meet another woman who will sweep you off your feet and you will completely forget about her. I think it is a genuine fear in her mind and if you keep up with this approach, her rebuilding process will be catalysed and things may look good for you again. I think you should henceforth cultivate this "Just out of reach" enigma of a personality when dealing with her. Be responsive only when she makes the first move and let her always chase you before you respond. Do not display any neediness. Once things are hunky dory between you two you can gradually let down your guard but always do so calculatedly. I know this sounds manipulative but as they say "All is fair in love and war"!

I think you are on a good wicket right now so make the most of it but do so judiciously. Warm wishes.

Edited September 11, 2017 by Just a Guy

[Just a Guy]

PS. For what it's worth, I think she knows deep down that she will not get another man as devoted and good for her as you. After all, she has been through failed relationships and she knows that a new one will likely fail like them. With you she had a relationship which lasted a while and gave her your daughter. Does'nt happen very easily. So keep your chin up. Regards.

[Jman220]

Update-

 

We had a blazing row last Monday over custody I was keen to get a fixed schedule to see my child so I can work around that. I have a busy job and employees to look after and I need some structure. She tried to avoid the conversation and asked to talk later- I pushed and said I need to know now it's already the start of a working week. This went into her stonewalling and refusing to discuss- I lost my ****.. blah blah.

 

Something weird happened after this- she called me 2 hours later and actually listened to me fully. I apologised, explained to her how hurt I was over everything, how when I get angry or say things I don't often mean them and it's a cover up for me hurting inside. We managed to communicate effectively after this and set a schedule. She then said she wants time and a space and she hasn't been having it- so I said ok fine- take all the space you want. You know I want our family and I love you- the door is open and if you want to talk you know where I am.

 

She's txt me sporadically since, mostly about our kid but some other updates about what she's doing etc. Last Sunday she came to pickup our kid, she actually came into my home (our family home she left) for the first time and sat and had a drink and we both played with our daughter. She then took her off for her day and was due to drop her back to my place that eve. I got a message that afternoon asking if I would like to take our dog out for a walk with them which I accepted. We had a nice walk. Small talked, played with our kid. At the end of the walk I went to hug her and she got defensive and said "don't ruin it" ?!!

 

My therapist was interested in this, she said this and the situation on holiday is me pushing and pressuring her. When I explained that I would hug a friend, that's how I am - the therapist said it's entirely different. That I've pressured her and argued with her about our sexless relationship and that changes things. If I love her I should be patient and build the trust back u tilnshe feels comfortable to touch/kiss or whatever. Tough, really tough. But I still feel like her eyes say she still cares and there's an underlying issues as to why she couldn't sleep with me anymore. Maybe it's just the arguments and the pressure? Maybe there's a physical issue ? I want to know

 

Still fighting, still gas in the tank

 

Your boy

Jman

[BluesPower]

Just be prepared to find out what is actually going on with her...

 

BTW, honestly man, just leave her be and start living your life. I am almost certain that this is not going to work out for you in the long run.

 

I hope I am wrong, but almost sure that I am not.

 

Start living your life and see what happens...

[Jman220]

Something worth noting happened today

 

I took my kid to hers and we had breakfast. There was a box on the table and I asked what it was. She told me to open it and inside was a book which she asked me to read. It was blank pages. I asked her what it's for and she said I bought that book the day you proposed to me to plan our wedding but you never bothered and wanted to wait forever and buy property first etc etc.

 

I felt genuinely crap about it. Told her I was sorry and I never realised she had wanted to get married sooner than we had sort of discussed. She said I was selfish and didn't think of what she wanted.. she was probably right.. I told her again I was sorry and that I was committed to her and didn't see a lot of my mistakes until now. She said she didn't wish to discuss further and feel pressured so I left.

 

That's the first time she has opened up to me in a long time. We didn't argue, it was constructive and I left understanding if nothing more.

[Jman220]

Update

 

Things have been up and down. Still both living our lives and doing stuff as a family most weeks. There's been a lot of punishing from her and a few arguments but gradually we're getting a lot better. Last weekend I went for dinner at hers and put our kid to bed. She then cuddled up to me on the sofa and we ended up having Sex for the first time in a long time. It was really good Sex!! I left afterwards and the next day she went a bit cold. Still v friendly and we're getting a long much better, but she said it's a one off and doesn't mean she going to come running back to me. I agreed that it's not right yet and we need time etc. But things are better between us and I hole that we can work towards being a family again in time ?

 

She is clearly very confused about what she wants, she wants contact daily and we both love our family and daughter a lot. We both have set boundaries that once someone else is involved we draw the line. I'm terrified of this happening but have to accept it le liklybsomehwen if we don't get back together ?! I'm being kind, strong and trying to do my own thing. The more I pull away the more she's chases me but after we slept together the next day I went to hug her goodbye and she pulled away and said it's too much for her and she's not ready ?! It feels like she won't realise until it's too late ? In turmoil still as to what to do but I really love her and my family and I want to reunite if it's possible. Been separated 5 long months now.. intimacy was a big part of the problem so I'm hoping that we can have sex again in time and gradually rebuild our bond up. She's asked if I will spend Xmas with her and talked about a holiday for next year.. but I'm just taking one day at a time.

[Jman220]

UPDATE

 

Happy new year to you all

 

So weve had lots of progress and changes since i last posted

 

She had been to see her GP prior to us having sex again for the first time in over a year. The GP told her to come off her birth control pill and it had an instant effect apparently. After the "one off" we slept together again twice more soon afterwards and have probably had sex 12-15 times since. She is gradually more and more affectionate with me and im learning to never have any expectations or inititate and let her have the control for now, its def a pursuer distancer situation re physical touch.

 

Weve had a weekend away together twice, both have been good and we seem to be slowly re connecting albeit at her pace and by her rules for now. Shes very protective of her emotions and any talk of getting back together or moving in is viewed as pressure which is very difficult obviously- but im learning to cope as i go. I now stay at hers a few days a week with her and our kid which is amazing and its great that she is often affectionate with me in front of our daughter again. The next wall to break down is going to be the hardest- commitment and eventually living under a roof as a family again. She talks about stuff and makes lots of hints but nothing concrete as of yet. Financially it makes obvious sense and our kid def would prefer one home and both parents as would i (and hopefully she too in time?!)

 

Its now been 6 months- Im hoping a few more and we can fully reconcile but Im kindve in this for the long haul now.

 

We had a great xmas all together, shes comfortable with us all at her place and regularly cooks nice dinners and we enjoy films and a bottle together like the old times. I have never stopped trying and believing we will reconcile, She told me she loved me last week for the first time since the split, it felt really good to hear it again after so long. Wish me luck for the final home straight, no matter what the end result I gave this my all for her and my kid and ill know I did everything I could

 

Heres to a better 2018!!!

 

jman

[Just a Guy]

Hi jman, great news! Keep up the good work and I am sure things will work out for both of you. Let your SO keep calling the shots for now and keep taking things at her pace. Since i5 is the New Year it is a time for new beginnings and I am sure hood things are in store for the two of you. Happy New year and Warm wishes to you and your family.