Ghosted Over A Year Ago...And It Still Hurts

[jenkins95]

Jenkins: This is very important. I gotta know... Cabernet wine?? (my go-to of choice)

 

Yes!!

 

Cabernet Sauvignon Louis de Camponac, 2014. I only wish you and I could get together in person, share a few glasses...and solve the world's problems

 

I must say, this thread is full of great posts, Back2Good, and I see a lot of similarities between you and I. I am going to read the hole thing today and I will have lots to say I'm sure.

 

Good luck Back2Good, and keep posting!

[jenkins95]

Jenkins...

 

I wonder what your wife would think about this? You posting, talking about your A and your exOW even after all this time has passed?

 

Hi (((TurningTables))), how are you today?

 

I think deadsoul and Back2Good have pretty much covered my response in the excellent posts they made following yours yesterday. But here are some of my thoughts to add: -

 

Basically, I am a fragile, broken person. I’m damaged goods and this is my own fault for making bad life choices and not respecting boundaries. I come to LS for comfort and support, and also to try to support others and give the benefit of my experience. As time goes on, it tends to be less of the former (support for me) and more of the latter (me supporting others), which is a natural progression I guess. So, anyway, why am I “damaged goods”?: -

 

1. Having been a "good" man for basically 40 years, I suddenly did something crazy, destructive, selfish, damaging, irresponsible and totally out of character. I need to understand why.

 

2. I hurt my wife very badly and risked her and my family's stability. I want support to understand the best way of repairing all this.

 

3. An OW also got hurt because of my actions. There is rightly no contact between us and I truly hope she is happy and will have a great life. The fact that I am in genuine reconciliation on my marriage and am giving it everything does not mean that I don't still think about her and feel regret for how she, along with many other people was hurt. One of the reasons I tend to "hang around" the OW/OM forum is because this is the part of my own A that I no longer have access to - because we are in permanent NC and rightly so. The pain I caused my wife, the risks I took on my family, the recovery, hope, etc. - I see those right in front of my face every day, but the xOW is no longer accessible to me. I therefore like to read other OW stories to try to understand and send supportive message to OW when I can. I hope that if my own OW sought help on the web, that she was supported in a similar way.

 

4. I hurt myself! As well as all the other people that were impacted by my actions, I am very damaged and hurt myself and I feel comfort being here. I used to be a confident, happy-go-lucky, calm man at peace with the world. An affair tends to undo all that! But I am, very slowly, getting back to my old self!

 

So that, in summary, is why I am here. The fact that I am still here two years after the end of my A does not mean that my reconciliation is not genuine, because it is. But it does show that the damage from affairs can last a long time. I am a long way from fully recovered. Also, despite how it may often appears, many MM (and I think Back2Good also fits into this category) do not just forget about the OW and move on immediately. Even though our relationship was selfish and inappropriate, genuine feelings developed and they cannot be just switched off. In fact, I no longer want to switch them off, I now accept that my xOW will always occupy a place of affection in my mind. I often now smile at some of the memories (they no longer hurt so much), and as I said, I wish her nothing but the best. She is just a good person who made bad, selfish choices – just like me! And this does not in any way undermine my reconciliation with my wife and family at home. In fact, it feels a little like acceptance - a certain level of peace. Peace which I haven't felt for a very long time.

 

As for what my wife would think. Well, she knows I use the internet a lot for support. It was her choice after D-day that we did not get counselling. I wanted to, but I respected her choice and she accepts and encourages my use of the Internet for support. In my writing, I tend to support reconciliation where I see hope, try to encourage people to get out of toxic affairs and I try to give comfort and hope to BS, WS and OW/OM alike. I think my wife would be very happy with the stance I take in my posts because it supports my own actions in going into reconciliation. I also like to think that my xOW would approve of my posts because they are consistent with the exact reasons I gave her as to why I didn't want to give up on my marriage and also that SHE could have a far better life by NOT getting mixed up in my MLC and my circus.

 

Wishing you all the best guys!

[jenkins95]

Thank you for your honest answers. As an xOW I can't help but get angry at your answers. Did my MM hurt me this much then Throw himself back into his marriage?! Is he having sex 3 times a week now?! And if your marriage is so good you can't possibly still have feelings for Ow!!!

 

Sorry just letting off steam

 

Hey Jemima. I know Back2Good's answers hurt and angered you. But as an xMM myself, I don't think it is as black and white as you are saying. If it's anything like my situation, and I think Back's, yes, your xMM is trying to honestly reconcile his marriage, and much as this may hurt at a personal level, it has to be a good thing in the long run, doesn't it? I mean wouldn't it be even worse if he's ended your affair and then gone into false R...or ended it completely and become single, still not choosing you?

 

As for the sex, well, that's a difficult one. I doubt they are suddenly having amazing, "new" sex several times a week. It takes a while to build up trust and intimacy and the shadow of infidelity affects things for a long time. Also, as with any relationship, sex becomes less exciting with time - this is just natural. I imagine that their sex life may be steady and loving and they are probably making an effort, but it's probably nothing like the excitement, urgency and general hormone-fest of an affair!

 

And, most of all, please don't think he's forgotten you and just "got over you" immediately. Let me quote something from a post I wrote earlier today: -

 

"Also, despite how it may often appears, many MM (and I think Back2Good also fits into this category) do not just forget about the OW and move on immediately. Even though our relationship was selfish and inappropriate, genuine feelings developed and they cannot be just switched off. In fact, I no longer want to switch them off, I now accept that my xOW will always occupy a place of affection in my mind. I often now smile at some of the memories (they no longer hurt so much), and as I said, I wish her nothing but the best. She is just a good person who made bad, selfish choices – just like me! And this does not in any way undermine my reconciliation with my wife and family at home. In fact, it feels a little like acceptance - a certain level of peace. Peace which I haven't felt for a very long time."

 

Some narcissitic MM are able to flick a switch and move on immediately, but most of us are just normal people, lost, confused, hurt and vulnerable. Even if we chose our marriages, this doesn't mean we have zero feelings for the other person.

 

I wish you all the best Jemima. Keep posting x

Edited August 21, 2017 by jenkins95

[Jemima1234]

Hey Jemima. I know Back2Good's answers hurt and angered you. But as an xMM myself, I don't think it is as black and white as you are saying. If it's anything like my situation, and I think Back's, yes, your xMM is trying to honestly reconcile his marriage, and much as this may hurt at a personal level, it has to be a good thing in the long run, doesn't it? I mean wouldn't it be even worse if he's ended your affair and then gone into false R...or ended it completely and become single, still not choosing you?

 

As for the sex, well, that's a difficult one. I doubt they are suddenly having amazing, "new" sex several times a week. It takes a while to build up trust and intimacy and the shadow of infidelity affects things for a long time. Also, as with any relationship, sex becomes less exciting with time - this is just natural. I imagine that their sex life may be steady and loving and they are probably making an effort, but it's probably nothing like the excitement, urgency and general hormone-fest of an affair!

 

And, most of all, please don't think he's forgotten you and just "got over you" immediately. Let me quote something from a post I wrote earlier today: -

 

"Also, despite how it may often appears, many MM (and I think Back2Good also fits into this category) do not just forget about the OW and move on immediately. Even though our relationship was selfish and inappropriate, genuine feelings developed and they cannot be just switched off. In fact, I no longer want to switch them off, I now accept that my xOW will always occupy a place of affection in my mind. I often now smile at some of the memories (they no longer hurt so much), and as I said, I wish her nothing but the best. She is just a good person who made bad, selfish choices – just like me! And this does not in any way undermine my reconciliation with my wife and family at home. In fact, it feels a little like acceptance - a certain level of peace. Peace which I haven't felt for a very long time."

 

Some narcissitic MM are able to flick a switch and move on immediately, but most of us are just normal people, lost, confused, hurt and vulnerable. Even if we chose our marriages, this doesn't mean we have zero feelings for the other person.

 

I wish you all the best Jemima. Keep posting x

 

Thank you Jenkins this post is hugely helpful to me! It really helps me understand the mind of xMM. I still struggle with one thing - if he truly loved me then how can he love his wife and be intimate with her? I know crazy thoughts eh!

[Doublegold]

"My user name is from a Nine Inch Nails song. Except the song is Dead Souls (originally by Joy Division)..... I also was going to choose "Somewhat Damaged" but I figure we all are if we're here. I would love to see your notes and your thinking. It helps me to see other perspectives."

 

NIN and Joy Division, be still my beating heart. Excellent. No wonder you are so deep.

 

Your honesty and self-reflection is refreshing.

[deadsoul]

Hi (((TurningTables))), how are you today?

 

I think deadsoul and Back2Good have pretty much covered my response in the excellent posts they made following yours yesterday. But here are some of my thoughts to add: -

 

Basically, I am a fragile, broken person. I’m damaged goods and this is my own fault for making bad life choices and not respecting boundaries. I come to LS for comfort and support, and also to try to support others and give the benefit of my experience. As time goes on, it tends to be less of the former (support for me) and more of the latter (me supporting others), which is a natural progression I guess. So, anyway, why am I “damaged goods”?: -

 

1. Having been a "good" man for basically 40 years, I suddenly did something crazy, destructive, selfish, damaging, irresponsible and totally out of character. I need to understand why.

 

2. I hurt my wife very badly and risked her and my family's stability. I want support to understand the best way of repairing all this.

 

3. An OW also got hurt because of my actions. There is rightly no contact between us and I truly hope she is happy and will have a great life. The fact that I am in genuine reconciliation on my marriage and am giving it everything does not mean that I don't still think about her and feel regret for how she, along with many other people was hurt. One of the reasons I tend to "hang around" the OW/OM forum is because this is the part of my own A that I no longer have access to - because we are in permanent NC and rightly so. The pain I caused my wife, the risks I took on my family, the recovery, hope, etc. - I see those right in front of my face every day, but the xOW is no longer accessible to me. I therefore like to read other OW stories to try to understand and send supportive message to OW when I can. I hope that if my own OW sought help on the web, that she was supported in a similar way.

 

4. I hurt myself! As well as all the other people that were impacted by my actions, I am very damaged and hurt myself and I feel comfort being here. I used to be a confident, happy-go-lucky, calm man at peace with the world. An affair tends to undo all that! But I am, very slowly, getting back to my old self!

 

So that, in summary, is why I am here. The fact that I am still here two years after the end of my A does not mean that my reconciliation is not genuine, because it is. But it does show that the damage from affairs can last a long time. I am a long way from fully recovered. Also, despite how it may often appears, many MM (and I think Back2Good also fits into this category) do not just forget about the OW and move on immediately. Even though our relationship was selfish and inappropriate, genuine feelings developed and they cannot be just switched off. In fact, I no longer want to switch them off, I now accept that my xOW will always occupy a place of affection in my mind. I often now smile at some of the memories (they no longer hurt so much), and as I said, I wish her nothing but the best. She is just a good person who made bad, selfish choices – just like me! And this does not in any way undermine my reconciliation with my wife and family at home. In fact, it feels a little like acceptance - a certain level of peace. Peace which I haven't felt for a very long time.

 

As for what my wife would think. Well, she knows I use the internet a lot for support. It was her choice after D-day that we did not get counselling. I wanted to, but I respected her choice and she accepts and encourages my use of the Internet for support. In my writing, I tend to support reconciliation where I see hope, try to encourage people to get out of toxic affairs and I try to give comfort and hope to BS, WS and OW/OM alike. I think my wife would be very happy with the stance I take in my posts because it supports my own actions in going into reconciliation. I also like to think that my xOW would approve of my posts because they are consistent with the exact reasons I gave her as to why I didn't want to give up on my marriage and also that SHE could have a far better life by NOT getting mixed up in my MLC and my circus.

 

Wishing you all the best guys!

 

Jenkins. This post right here represents why you are desperately needed on message boards such as this one. You put yourself out there so raw and so honest and you own it all. The insights you have help so many (I'm one of them! If there's a groupie club, sign me up) and I aspire to pay it forward. I'm not quite in the place you're at, but I know now I'm going to get there, where as just a few months ago, didn't think it was possible.

 

I remember in your early days here (when I was a wee lurker), you took a lot of heat, but you took every bit of it and responded to every bit of it as well. Many people just up and leave, but you didn't. You stayed, listened to the good and the bad and I truly think that's one of the things that help you move forward. I know you still have challenging days, as I do too, but I'm in such a better place than I was exactly a year ago. And I finally have hope that next year at this time will be even better.

 

In no way are you hurting your spouse posting here. I refuse to believe that. I really think it is part of your healing, what makes you a better husband, father and man.

 

You, Midnight, Southern and quite a few others... you've always put it out there, the good and the bad and you've taken your share of lumps, but you've all reached places that I'm working a day at a time to get there.

 

So i thank you from the bottom of my heart. You all are like my AA. Or should I say, CA (Cheaters' Anon)

 

Sorry for the thread jack OP.

[deadsoul]

"My user name is from a Nine Inch Nails song. Except the song is Dead Souls (originally by Joy Division)..... I also was going to choose "Somewhat Damaged" but I figure we all are if we're here. I would love to see your notes and your thinking. It helps me to see other perspectives."

 

NIN and Joy Division, be still my beating heart. Excellent. No wonder you are so deep.

 

Your honesty and self-reflection is refreshing.

 

Music is in my blood... All types. Except Country. I just can't do country (sorry, not sorry). Go figure, I'm the most drawn to the darkest ones with demons in their souls like mine.

[Doublegold]

Same--no Country for me. Music is one of my greatest passions. Can totally relate to your tastes in music and men. If you like Joy Division you may listen to Interpol. Another great (baritone) voice is Matt Berninger of "The National" esp the LP "The Boxer". Trent's "Something I can Never Have (Still)" on piano in candelight is one of my all time favorites performances.

 

Oh what is it like to only stick your toe in the kiddy pool and stay out of the deep end?

 

Sorry for the thread jack LS.

Edited August 22, 2017 by Doublegold

[deadsoul]

Same--no Country for me. Music is one of my greatest passions. Can totally relate to your tastes in music and men. If you like Joy Division you may listen to Interpol. Another great (baritone) voice is Matt Berninger of "The National" esp the LP "The Boxer". Trent's "Something I can Never Have (Still)" on piano in candelight is one of my all time favorites performances.

 

Oh what is it like to only stick your toe in the kiddy pool and stay out of the deep end?

 

Sorry for the thread jack LS.

 

Uhhhh... Something I can never have on piano is my absolute favorite song from Trent/NIN. I have watched that video countless times. Trent wrecks me with that song. Absolutely wrecks me. Other one is the piano version of The Fragile.

 

I will check the suggestions out, I'm always looking for "new" music.

 

Sorry OP! I swear, we will get back on topic. How are you today ? ;-)

[Back2Good]

Uhhhh... Something I can never have on piano is my absolute favorite song from Trent/NIN. I have watched that video countless times. Trent wrecks me with that song. Absolutely wrecks me. Other one is the piano version of The Fragile.

 

I will check the suggestions out, I'm always looking for "new" music.

 

Sorry OP! I swear, we will get back on topic. How are you today ? ;-)

 

Oh Puhleeeezzzzz....... HIJACK away!!

deadsoul: My favorite NIN song is "Closer." Not for just the reason(s) you might think.... Although I do love the animalistic approach of the song... But those lyrics tho! "..I've got no soul to sell..." "..help me get away from myself.." That song is really more about self-destruction and not about how he wants to fk her. But really,....the reason that song is my favorite NIN is I saw them in concert August 2008... The way they presented "Closer"....was mind blowing. It was sensory overload with how they used the lights...fog, effects...instruments. To see it live....was just simply unexplainable. Trent performs as if he's performing for the very fist time in front of a crowd. I've seen so many established bands that are just seemingly lazy in their performance..(looking at you steven tyler.)

 

 

Music is a HUGE part of my life.....daily! I'm a musician...been in bands and all that stuff....and strive to grow/improve my abilities every single day ...

 

 

Btw.... My username also comes from a song.

 

 

So YES!!!....HiJack away Doublegold & deadsoul...

[Back2Good]

How are you today ? ;-)

 

I'm great btw!! I'm making huge strides, since my initial August 11th post.

 

 

Guess what I did last Friday...??......I shredded the last of her notes and cards she had sent me. I've been doing it in batches.... Last Friday was the last of them... It feels good. Just as recent as a few weeks ago...I was terrified not having her cards/notes/letters. Now,...I still have some stuff to get rid of....but I'm well on my way....

 

 

I hope you are doing well deadsoul!!

[Back2Good]

Yes!!

 

Cabernet Sauvignon Louis de Camponac, 2014. I only wish you and I could get together in person, share a few glasses...and solve the world's problems

 

I must say, this thread is full of great posts, Back2Good, and I see a lot of similarities between you and I. I am going to read the hole thing today and I will have lots to say I'm sure.

 

Good luck Back2Good, and keep posting!

 

Lots of similarities Jenkins....some obvious differences...but so similar as well. I think we both are having the same challenges dealing with the loss of something that was a staple in our lives.... Again, I've mentioned this before...it was your story that motivated me to air out my situation. I don't know why....and it feels weird to me to say this... But this MB has been really instrumental in me healing and getting passed a place where I felt stuck. I truly thought I was the ONLY one in the world going through the feelings I was having. Is that arrogance...??.....or ignorance??? Initially it was arrogance....but in just the past 10 days....I've come to realize it was ignorance. I ain't nuttin' special. Reading everyone's stories has been rewarding for my mental well being.

 

 

ps; Check out McManis Cabernet. Superior value... What USED to be a $50+ bottle of wine ten years ago...is now around $11. Really good stuff. I have a feeling we are on opposite coasts....but too bad we can't share our stories over really good vino....

 

 

Cheers!!

[Back2Good]

Originally Posted by deadsoul:

 

Ghosting is a cowardly act. Our egos hurt because how could they just throw us out like yesterday's garbage without a second thought? I truly believe that any "residual" feelings I have are my ego from being rejected. Truly.

Yes it IS!! But I have a good feeling about your situation... I HOPE that it's your ego that's driving any residual feelings. You seem a very confident person... For one to even HAVE an ego in the fist place....requires an element of confidence. And it is your confidence that will drive you to overcome your ego. If your residual feelings are coming from a place in your heart....your emotions.....your soul.... Well, that's a steeper hill to climb...isn't it?

 

You are looking for closure, and there is a fantastic post about it and I wish I remembered who wrote it. No matter how it ends, you never truly get closure. Those of us who were ghosted seem to need that, but I'm learning that closure comes from within. Closure is when you get to the point where in your head you tell that person, "Thank you for the experience and thank you for the lessons."

This is BEYOND helpful. Yes,...I'm looking for closure. I WAS searching for answers on why she ghosted me.... I say "was"...because I think I'm realizing why she ghosted me...and I'm ok with that. Don't like it...still wish we had that grown-up discussion where she says "..bye Felicia..." Still wish I received that dear-john letter from her... Something,...other than leaving me dazed and confused. I'm climbing up that cliff to get myself onto the island of "...thank you for the experience and for the lessons.." (and I did learn some lessons...I never want to be there again) These words will cling to me... "...closure comes from within..."

 

 

"...I made a mistake. I can’t get those years back….but I can damn sure build on the future years. And ensure I don't let history repeat itself..."

exactly

Still trying to figure this one out.....

 

 

I don't believe anyone has the right to say your marriage won't be healthy if you don't do this or that. It's easy for us to stand outside the situation and judge. Every situation is different and I truly believe that no one else knows what your marriage is except you and your wife.

Thank you... I too see it this way...but it's good to see another perspective as well. I understand the reaction I'm getting from some on here....and that's cool. There are some hurt souls here... I know my story disturbs some of the betrayed wives on here...and I get it. Seeing the pain in their writing is beneficial for me....it just confirms what a dick I've been. Selfish.

 

I really struggled with the fact that because I had feelings, I must not be all in for R. My OP was able to just put me out of his head obviously like yesterday's trash. That's great for him and I'm happy he isn't suffering like I was. But I'm not like that and I've come to accept that it's okay. All my life I was told feeling certain ways was bad and just now, in my mid-life, I'm accepting that my feelings are okay. It's my actions that determine my character.

Well stated.

I'm all in for re-committing to my marriage... And "yes" I CAN and I WILL.....because I AM....doing it...I'm living it. All whilst still harboring feelings for xAP. So "yes" it's possible. Only now...I'm just re-defining those feelings for xAP.

Btw... I have serious doubts that your xAP has put you out of his head. He'll carry your memory till his death....

[jenkins95]

Jenkins. This post right here represents why you are desperately needed on message boards such as this one. You put yourself out there so raw and so honest and you own it all. The insights you have help so many (I'm one of them! If there's a groupie club, sign me up) and I aspire to pay it forward. I'm not quite in the place you're at, but I know now I'm going to get there, where as just a few months ago, didn't think it was possible.

 

I remember in your early days here (when I was a wee lurker), you took a lot of heat, but you took every bit of it and responded to every bit of it as well. Many people just up and leave, but you didn't. You stayed, listened to the good and the bad and I truly think that's one of the things that help you move forward. I know you still have challenging days, as I do too, but I'm in such a better place than I was exactly a year ago. And I finally have hope that next year at this time will be even better.

 

In no way are you hurting your spouse posting here. I refuse to believe that. I really think it is part of your healing, what makes you a better husband, father and man.

 

You, Midnight, Southern and quite a few others... you've always put it out there, the good and the bad and you've taken your share of lumps, but you've all reached places that I'm working a day at a time to get there.

 

So i thank you from the bottom of my heart. You all are like my AA. Or should I say, CA (Cheaters' Anon)

 

Sorry for the thread jack OP.

 

(((deadsoul))) Wow, thanks for such lovely words! It means so much to know that my prescence here is a help to some posters. It's an honour. And please know that i get so much out of your psost too deadsoul. You are clearly very intelligent and a deep thinker and I really admire your writing.

 

I am also so proud of you. You have come on so much in a year it's amazing....and it should get better! For me, just at the end of the A, life was pretty much a hell 24 hours a day. At the one year mark, I reckon I had as many good days as bad days, and now, a further year down the line, I can go a whole month of good days...and then maybe have a weal of bad (but not as bad as before) days!! I reckon I could be back to my old self pre-A by about 5 years (although there will of course always be a scar).

 

One thing that you, I and Back (and many other reconciling waywards) suffer with is discomfort at having residual feelings for the AP. But as I said yesterday, I am now at peace with this. I don't fight it anymore and I don't try to push her out of my mind. This gives me freedom and in not fighting, thoughts of her paradoxically enter my mind less as a result. She was a lovely woman, I accept that happily now! And under other circumstances it could have worked. But they WEREN'T other circumstances and we did a dreadfully selfish, hurtful, wrong thing - both as culpable as the other. The circumstances were impossible and it couldn't have worked. I know that some of this may be hard for BS to take, but I am just speaking as honestly as I can. After all, I have those memories and thoughts in my head and they have to be dealt with somehow. Surely it's better to deal with them with acceptnce and not resistance.

 

And my wife is also an amazing woman - truly amazing, and even more so for giving me another chance. A chance which I am giving my all to and finding happiness again. I know it is the same for you deadsoul and Back is showing very good signs of being on the same path as us! He is effectively as far behind you on the path as you are from me - and he will recover too. Good luck guys!

 

And regarding the bolded bit above. I would absolutely love you to be my chief groupie deadsoul - the job is yours!! And in return, I want to be yours! - that exchange between you and DoubleGold was brilliant, and to honour you guys, I am going to listen to and explore all that music you listed. What NIN and Joy Division albums would you recommend to start off with ds? I will think of you whenever I listen to it. I love music too and it's funny, whenever I see a post from BluesPower, the 60s Clapton instrumental "Steppin' Out" starts playing in my head. I love that song, but it's quite ironic considering what "Steppin' Out" could mean in the context of an infideltity forum!

 

Keep up the amazing posts guys!

[jenkins95]

I'm all in for re-committing to my marriage... And "yes" I CAN and I WILL.....because I AM....doing it...I'm living it. All whilst still harboring feelings for xAP. So "yes" it's possible. Only now...I'm just re-defining those feelings for xAP.

 

That's the spirit Back! You have 100% the right attitude. You will get there, I have no doubt! Well done, I'm proud of you.

 

This was to deadsoul: -

 

Btw... I have serious doubts that your xAP has put you out of his head. He'll carry your memory till his death....

 

I agree with this. I'm not sure if it matters much to you anymore deadsoul, but I would be amazed if he just forgot you and moved on. Men can give this impression, go quiet, disappear and seem to have got over it immediately. But I know as well as anyone that you cannot hide from what is in your head and I'm sure there will always be a place for you in his. Hopefully these will eventually be non-painful, pleasant memories, as they now are for me, to be indulged occassionally in private moments in the same way that you may think back pleasantly to an ex (non affair) GF who you still have feelings for.

[William]

Good Morning...

 

1. Moderation moved this thread to MLP because there is no affair going on and the thread starter is married.

 

2. Please remain focused on the thread starter's content about being ghosted over a year ago and working through their issues with that and in their marriage. There are other threads to discuss respondent's affairs, relationships and marriages. Sharing experience is fine but refrain from starting meta-discussions on that experience.

 

Thanks!

[jenkins95]

Lots of similarities Jenkins....some obvious differences...but so similar as well. I think we both are having the same challenges dealing with the loss of something that was a staple in our lives.... Again, I've mentioned this before...it was your story that motivated me to air out my situation. I don't know why....and it feels weird to me to say this... But this MB has been really instrumental in me healing and getting passed a place where I felt stuck. I truly thought I was the ONLY one in the world going through the feelings I was having. Is that arrogance...??.....or ignorance??? Initially it was arrogance....but in just the past 10 days....I've come to realize it was ignorance. I ain't nuttin' special. Reading everyone's stories has been rewarding for my mental well being.

 

 

ps; Check out McManis Cabernet. Superior value... What USED to be a $50+ bottle of wine ten years ago...is now around $11. Really good stuff. I have a feeling we are on opposite coasts....but too bad we can't share our stories over really good vino....

 

 

Cheers!!

 

Wonderful post Back2Good. I went through a similar process. I thought I was the only person in that situation and I thought my affair was so unique, so special. The day I started reading LS, and other sites, I realised I was a player in a pantomime that has been played out in a predictable sequence of events, a million times and more. It brought me down to earth and also gave me a great sense of comfort and camararderie with the great posters on here. Funnily enough, just yesterday, I re-read my first ever thread...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/541619-another-stupid-mm-my-story

 

...all the way through for the first time since that thread was active. It was amazing to look back and read it. I come across as a lost little boy in the first few posts. And whilst I got some great support and hand holding, I also got some roastings too! All par for the course and all very much needed and appreciated!

 

By the way, Back, have you read this guy's stuff?

 

https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/

 

Again, finding this guy was a pivotal moment for me. It was as though he was seeing into my mind and writing on my behalf. This, as much as LS and other great sites helped to get me out of the fog.

 

And regarding the bolded bit above, I have a feeling we are on different CONTINENTS! For one thing, I spend these: £, not these: $

 

But I still feel an incredibly close bond to you. Actual miles seem irrelavant in these matters! We're all part of the same club. And thanks for that recommendation for McManis Cabernet! I'll try and find it in my local wine shop, and drink it listening to deadsoul and DoubleGold's music recommendations!

 

Keep posting Back, you are one of the good guys! You'll be OK! I feel it.

Edited August 22, 2017 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

Uhhhh... Something I can never have on piano is my absolute favorite song from Trent/NIN. I have watched that video countless times. Trent wrecks me with that song. Absolutely wrecks me. Other one is the piano version of The Fragile.

 

I will check the suggestions out, I'm always looking for "new" music.

 

Sorry OP! I swear, we will get back on topic. How are you today ? ;-)

 

I love this exchange guys - and I will be listening to all the music you have discussed. I can't wait. What you said about country music made me think of a really funny story!

 

One of my friends hired a function room and DJ for his 21st Birthday. When we were waiting for the DJ to arrived we asked the organiser about him. He said that he knew nothing about him, but that he was half the price of anyone else and was available - so he booked him!

 

Imagine our amazement when, 20 minutes later, a small man of about 65 years old, dressed in cowboy uniform and oversize Stetson walked in carrying an ancient case of 12" vinyl records! He took a few minutes to set up, and then announced over the microphone in an obviously fake deep south accent (this was in the UK): "Howdy folks. Tonight we've got BOTH types of music for you: County AND Western!!!" He then proceeded to play about 3.5 hours worth of mainly 1950s C & W, which he danced to, interspersed with tales about his love of "Dixieland" and his years working on a planatation. It was one of the most bizarre, yet memorbale evenings I've ever had and we always tease my friend about it (the one whose party it was!). It turned out that the DJ was from Cobridge, Stoke-on-Trent, England and had never been out of Europe, let alone "Dixieland"!

 

Oh, the memories! Sorry for the T/J, but I often think the rishest of gems can be found amongst these little tangents we go off on!

 

Good luck all!

[Back2Good]

The fact that we each had partners made it seem OK, that nothing could come with it. Well, you can guess what happened next.

 

We started chatting, flirting and connecting more and more, it eventually became physical, and before we knew it we couldn’t get enough of each other.

 

Started as friends, became soul-mates, she felt like 'the one', didn’t mean it to happen, tried to stop, so in love, etc, etc. I know it’s pathetic.

 

into that A fog, more and more needy, more lies, more sneaking around,

 

needed her too much to let her go,

 

I do love the OW and think of her constantly, but I feel I have to free her from this horrible situation

 

care so much for my family and am so ashamed that I have compromised their position so appallingly with my selfish actions.

 

Sound familiar jenkins? Those ( as you know) are your words....and when I read them for the fist time a couple weeks ago...it was then that the light bulb went off above my head. Those were all my feelings exactly.... It was if I wrote those words. And I was thinking...."how can this be...??" Cause MY affair wasn't an "affair".....right? No, of course not...because MY situation was soooooo very different from anyone else's dirty, shameful affair. My situation was created from the Heavens above....the stars were aligning my xAP and I for it was a destiny that could not be denied....right????!!!!

 

Wrong!! It was your post, that made me realize... I'm one of a gazillion. I went on to read other's stories.... Everywhere I turned....I saw my story....again....again....and again.... And that's EXCELLENT news!! Because the realization that I was just living out a standard text-book A like countless others... It got me soul-searching... What was really going on in my A.... And why did I end up there?? I certainly wasn't looking for it.

 

Anyways... Thanks jenks...for being that beacon light showing me that my situation has no uniqueness at all.... It's helped me move along quickly in just a matter of 10-11 days!

[Back2Good]

I have a feeling we are on different CONTINENTS! For one thing, I spend these: £, not these: $

 

Ahhhh... I should have know by your accent!!!!

[jenkins95]

The fact that we each had partners made it seem OK, that nothing could come with it. Well, you can guess what happened next.

 

We started chatting, flirting and connecting more and more, it eventually became physical, and before we knew it we couldn’t get enough of each other.

 

Started as friends, became soul-mates, she felt like 'the one', didn’t mean it to happen, tried to stop, so in love, etc, etc. I know it’s pathetic.

 

into that A fog, more and more needy, more lies, more sneaking around,

 

needed her too much to let her go,

 

I do love the OW and think of her constantly, but I feel I have to free her from this horrible situation

 

care so much for my family and am so ashamed that I have compromised their position so appallingly with my selfish actions.

 

Sound familiar jenkins? Those ( as you know) are your words....and when I read them for the fist time a couple weeks ago...it was then that the light bulb went off above my head. Those were all my feelings exactly.... It was if I wrote those words. And I was thinking...."how can this be...??" Cause MY affair wasn't an "affair".....right? No, of course not...because MY situation was soooooo very different from anyone else's dirty, shameful affair. My situation was created from the Heavens above....the stars were aligning my xAP and I for it was a destiny that could not be denied....right????!!!!

 

Wrong!! It was your post, that made me realize... I'm one of a gazillion. I went on to read other's stories.... Everywhere I turned....I saw my story....again....again....and again.... And that's EXCELLENT news!! Because the realization that I was just living out a standard text-book A like countless others... It got me soul-searching... What was really going on in my A.... And why did I end up there?? I certainly wasn't looking for it.

 

Anyways... Thanks jenks...for being that beacon light showing me that my situation has no uniqueness at all.... It's helped me move along quickly in just a matter of 10-11 days!

 

Yes! You are effectively exactly where I was two years ago Back! Like you, reading other stories, including that blog that I linked made me realise that my situation was far from unique. At the height of the A, I felt that my AP had been custom made, just for me, by God - and I'm not even particularly religious! All other As were dirty, scandalous, selfish indulgences, but ours was pure and uniquely ordained! Yeah, right ! And as you say, this was excellent news and the kick up the backside that I needed.

 

Life lessons, hard learned! Great to have you on this path to recovery with us Back!

[jenkins95]

Ahhhh... I should have know by your accent!!!!

 

Ha ha! Yes, it's quite easy to hide my accent on here, old boy!

[jenkins95]

Hey again Back. Sorry - my last few posts have assumed that you are only just into NC, whereas just reading the OP again reminds me that there has been no contact for over a year. I mean, the subject line spells it out anyway!!

 

Can I ask, is it only now that you have discovered all these online forums, etc? If so, how did you cope for the first year of NC? Have you found it helpful being here? Have any other forums/blogs/sites helped you at all? I have the feeling that you are really moving on now. Good for you if so.

Edited August 22, 2017 by jenkins95

[Back2Good]

Hey again Back. Sorry - my last few posts have assumed that you are only just into NC, whereas just reading the OP again reminds me that there has been no contact for over a year. I mean, the subject line spells it out anyway!!

 

Can I ask, is it only now that you have discovered all these online forums, etc? If so, how did you cope for the first year of NC? Have you found it helpful being here? Have any other forums/blogs/sites helped you at all? I have the feeling that you are really moving on now. Good for you if so.

Hi jenkins...

Yes....indeed you are correct... It was just recently that I discovered this message board. It's been a painful year.... I coped by focusing super hard on my wife... My kids... My work. My music. But behind my smile....there was this constant "hummmmmm" in the background. It was her memory haunting me. I experienced the aftermath almost like a death. There was denial... Some anger.... Some resentment. Mostly....just a lot of confusion on why she just Ghosted me.... I had/have a good feeling that I know the reason she did... And, I think she did it FOR me...more than for herself.

 

I've found this MB to be very very helpful....

You are very perceptive jenkins.. I HAVE made tremendous progress the last 10-11 days. Just writing out my initial story was beneficial. Also reading the pain that BS demonstrate on here has also helped me. I credit all my recent progress to this MB and a handful of contributors on here. I never planned or thought I'd ever reach a post count above "1." But I've been moved and feeling connections....so I'm here.

[Back2Good]

Hey again Back. Sorry - my last few posts have assumed that you are only just into NC, whereas just reading the OP again reminds me that there has been no contact for over a year. I mean, the subject line spells it out anyway!!

 

Can I ask, is it only now that you have discovered all these online forums, etc? If so, how did you cope for the first year of NC? Have you found it helpful being here? Have any other forums/blogs/sites helped you at all? I have the feeling that you are really moving on now. Good for you if so.

 

Wanna see some notes I've made....since I've found this site and site you mentioned in an earlier message today. (yes, I stumbled on that site the same day I found LS.)

 

• Do not idealize the other person. By focusing on a person’s good qualities, the pain will increase.
  
• It impairs the grieving process and makes one hurt more. Amen suggests taking time to write out the bad times and your ex’s bad points and focus on them to help soothe the pain.
  
• Cry, then hide the pictures. Allow yourself to feel the pain initially after the affair. Crying is a wonderful release. Yes, men, even for you.
  
• After a good cry, eliminate all the triggers that will constantly remind you of the other person.
  
• Get rid of the pictures, gifts and letters. Additionally, you should wipe any possible triggers from your computer like emails, Facebook, etc.
  
• After doing these things it is imperative to try to rebuild the passion in your relationship with your spouse. Passion isn’t necessarily all about sex either.
  
• Wikipedia defines passion as an “emotion applied to a very strong feeling about a person or thing. Passion is an intense emotion compelling feeling, enthusiasm, or desire for something.” You had passion for your spouse at some point in your relationship. Work like hell to get it back.
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• Your affair was real, yes, but it was rooted in fantasy and maybe even more so now.
  
• Recognize however that to some extent you’re probably over-romanticizing your ex-lover.
  
• You’re not out of the affair fog and you may not be seeing them objectively.
  
• Understand that the qualities you have placed on him or her probably belong more to fiction than to reality, and try to divorce this fictional crush from the real person.
  
• You are purposely ignoring their poorer characteristics. Remind yourself what they were.
  
• Understand that what you had during the affair is UNLIKELY to continue if you had them in a legitimate, day-to-day relationship, with all of its attendant difficulties.
  
• The heightened awareness during an affair — the stolen moments and days or weekends of nothing but sex, passion and happiness are very unlikely to continue in real life.
  
• few illicit relationships make a long-term, successful transition to the “real” world.
  
• Don’t trigger yourself. The more you can control your thinking of the other person, the better off you’ll be.
  
• Remove and block them on Facebook so you’re not tempted to even look at their page.
  
• It’s normal to grieve.
  
• I am saying that every time you wallow in those sad, unrequited love feelings, you’re strengthening them.
  
• you have to stop feeding them.
  
• Count your blessings.
  
• remind myself what a fine woman my wife is.
  
• Give it time.
  
• I once read it takes 1/2 as long as a relationship lasted to get over it. I largely believe that’s true
  
• Your feelings for him/her WILL dissipate. You won’t forget them, but over time, they will find an appropriate context and compartment in your psyche.
  
• You will see them as someone who once “was” but not longer makes sense in your current life.
  
• You don’t have to hate them, and I doubt you’ll ever merely feel neutral about them, but the sting of loss and of their memories will eventually dissipate to a minor pin-prick.
  
• 
  
• 
  
• The grass is not greener on the other side. The “grass is greener” idea is a common misconception. Because we have never been on that grass, we assume it must be better than where we currently stand. It’s not.
  
• In fact, though it may look greener from a distance – once you get there and make yourself comfortable, something interesting happens – the grass changes color.
  
• This usually happens soon after you get caught. You will then see that patch of land differently. You will also have a strange desire for the green grass you left… except now it is burned and won’t let you back.
  
• The best way to enjoy green grass is to water your own yard.
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• The Other Man / Woman - LoveShack.org Community Forums
  
• 
  
• But this was new love, infatuation, limerence and it was all played out in a fantasy bubble enabled by sneaking, lying and cheating.
  
• Yes we told each other we were amazing and the best lovers in the world, yes we had laughs and got drunk and had sex all the time......but this is not a sustainable way of live.
  
• 
  
• I know quite a few psychologists, some of whom have given me insight.
  
• One told me that these type of intense relationships where you feel like you're connected / soulmates etc are actually a sign that you have found something in this other person that is missing in yourself.
  
• Something of your personality that might have been lost along the path of life.
  
• The key is to work out what that was / is, and go and find it in yourself, and not to look for it in others.