We're talking again

[marie25]

I am just repeating what everyone else said here, but:

 

I understand how it feels to be in your state rn, but you have to start making strides forward. You have already heard that you need to go NC, and that means no social media stalking, focusing on you, etc but I don't think you will truly do those things until you are ready. Thus, I am not going to repeat what you have already heard and know.

 

Instead, try doing some things for you. If simply "stop thinking about your ex" is too overwhelming, do the opposite - focus on yourself and you'll find that you stop thinking about him naturally. But the intent is to focus on yourself - the other is just a byproduct.

 

That means going out with friends, having fun yourself. You spend all this time looking at him having fun - dammit don't you deserve to have fun yourself? If he were to step into YOUR life like you do his (on SM, but I mean this more metaphorically), would he see you having fun?

 

You are young, try to reach that carelessness, freedom, independence and lightheartedness you can have at this age.

[doglover98]

I'm in the midst of getting over my ex. It's been 2 weeks since our breakup, and I've had a lot of time to think about everything. I guess I feel like I honestly don't know why he decided to end things. Yes, we had been fighting a lot but it was mostly his fault because he had been distant and I didn't feel at all like a priority, I guess I really wasn't. At this point I just feel like he had known for a while he didn't want to be with me, yet waited and just put me through hell.

 

He told me he wanted to take a break a week before things officially ended. During this time, he said he thought the break "would really help us.". Then a week later he took down all our photos together and changed his relationship status to single. So I contacted him asking if we were over, because I thought we were just on a break. He told me he wasn't sure what the difference was and I said a break up is more permanent, a break isn't.

 

Then, OVER TEXT, he said I'm really sorry but I meant it as a break up. After this conversation he wanted to talk in person where he continued to give me bs reasons of why he decided to end things, saying "we're not in the right place right now". I guess now I have to realize he didn't love me, since he's already seeing our mutual friend. And I know now he just wants to live the single life in college and [have sex with] as many girls as he pleases. Just wish that the past 2 years actually meant something to him and that he didn't have to treat me so [badly] like that.

 

Just wish he could have been man enough to be honest with me, thought I deserved that at the very least, but I guess not. I hope one day he realizes how much I did for him (doing his homework, reading over/fixing his essays, driving him around, and so many other things). When he comes crawling back to me I hope I can be strong enough to tell him [] off because of how badly he treated and hurt me. [The heck with] breakups.

Edited June 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clean up language, add paragraphs, clarify title and approve auto-moderated post

[preraph]

He was doing what a lot of people do and trying to avoid a huge fight and confrontation and truth session that only hurts both of you. I'm sorry, but at least you now know after 2 weeks that it's over. Good luck.

[Blanco]

Someone ending a relationship doesn't mean they never loved you.

[Bromeo]

He was honest, he told you that you were broken up. Seeing revenge is petty and immature. I'm sorry you are hurting, but it will not be forever.

 

Many people on this site, myself included, did not get the benefit of closure. So you are lucky there.

 

Be safe.

[fieldoflavender]

But how they end it says a lot about how much they really love(d) you.

[Blanco]

But how they end it says a lot about how much they really love(d) you.

 

Not always. Breaking up with someone is often a difficult action to take, even if it's what you know is best. It's totally possible that this guy did not want to endure the hemming and hawing and negotiating that can often come out of breakup attempts, hence he opted for a soft exit.

[fieldoflavender]

It obviously depends on how long the relationship, how much was invested. But it sounds like it was 2 years - he could at least have the decency to face her in person and just be honest instead of her being led on for a week. It's pretty cowardly.

 

People often think other people can't live without them - they should at least be given the benefit of doubt and be respected.

 

If people can't even face break-ups, then maybe they shouldn't have been in a relationship to begin with.

[lana-banana]

Anyone asking to "take a break" is trying to ease their partner into the concept of a break-up. No one wants to "take a break" from a relationship that makes them happy. Yes, it's a bit frustrating, but if the OP's handle is any indication then she is probably very young, as is her ex. These first relationships are always messy and awful until you learn how to conduct them respectfully.

[doglover98]

I know, I didn't mean that he never loved me. I think he fell out of love with me a long time before the breakup, like months before. And I just wish he had the nerve to end things then, instead of dragging me along.

[SpecialJ]

He's immature and handled it as such. My college boyfriend long ago did the same thing to me after two years. Breaking up sucks, but adults and emotionally mature/stable people will do it clearly, respectfully, and in a timely fashion, especially if they know it's for the best. In my experience, people who are scared and avoidant about it 1. feel really guilty about mishandling a situation 2. egotistically anticipate a huge response that may be totally inaccurate (most likely a projection based on them being bad at handling their own emotions) 3. bad at taking responsibility for their actions.

 

However, it sounds like you were giving a lot of yourself which doesn't help how you feel now. In the future, refrain from doing anyone's homework, chauffering them around, etc., unless they're reciprocating in some way in equal measure to help you. Lots of bad guys will stick around to take advantage, then leave when they've met someone else they want to sleep with. Not being overly generous unless they've proven they are trustworthy, there for you, and deserving may help you filter out those bad guys in the future who aren't serious about you but enjoy what you can do for them.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, and you're going to be on an emotional roller coaster for a while. Be angry, be sad, be kind to yourself-- and do not talk to him at all for the foreseeable future. He's young, immature, and a bad communicator, and that's not going to change for a long time, so don't waste your time thinking you'll get more closure before you get over it. Maybe he'll eventually grow up and you can reconnect a few years down the road and be friends if you're interested in that. He's not necessarily a bad guy or hopeless forever, but he's too young now to be worth more of your time and kindness.

[No_Go]

He was scared to be alone and most likely looked for a replacement before breaking up with you, that's why it *appeared* he started with someone new immediately (It was most likely in the works for a while).

 

Anyway, thank your lucky stars you'd not be with an assh*le like this any longer. The replacement will be treated the same way, people don't really change character. He's a coward and that's why he dragged it with you.

 

I know, I didn't mean that he never loved me. I think he fell out of love with me a long time before the breakup, like months before. And I just wish he had the nerve to end things then, instead of dragging me along.

[doglover98]

He's immature and handled it as such. My college boyfriend long ago did the same thing to me after two years. Breaking up sucks, but adults and emotionally mature/stable people will do it clearly, respectfully, and in a timely fashion, especially if they know it's for the best. In my experience, people who are scared and avoidant about it 1. feel really guilty about mishandling a situation 2. egotistically anticipate a huge response that may be totally inaccurate (most likely a projection based on them being bad at handling their own emotions) 3. bad at taking responsibility for their actions.

 

However, it sounds like you were giving a lot of yourself which doesn't help how you feel now. In the future, refrain from doing anyone's homework, chauffering them around, etc., unless they're reciprocating in some way in equal measure to help you. Lots of bad guys will stick around to take advantage, then leave when they've met someone else they want to sleep with. Not being overly generous unless they've proven they are trustworthy, there for you, and deserving may help you filter out those bad guys in the future who aren't serious about you but enjoy what you can do for them.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, and you're going to be on an emotional roller coaster for a while. Be angry, be sad, be kind to yourself-- and do not talk to him at all for the foreseeable future. He's young, immature, and a bad communicator, and that's not going to change for a long time, so don't waste your time thinking you'll get more closure before you get over it. Maybe he'll eventually grow up and you can reconnect a few years down the road and be friends if you're interested in that. He's not necessarily a bad guy or hopeless forever, but he's too young now to be worth more of your time and kindness.

 

Thank you for this, I think a lot of what you said really does make sense and is true. He definitely has a lot of growing up to do and maybe I do too. I just need to figure out how to move on and get past this, I guess it's just going to take time. Thanks again, your response was very helpful

[doglover98]

God I miss my ex. Every day my feelings toward him are different. We've been broken up for 6 weeks and in NC for 25. On the websites with "relationship experts" who try to sell you there books and assistance for ridiculous amounts, they tell you that all you need is 30 days NC to get your ex back. How realistic is this?

My ex and I broke up I guess mutually even though he was the one to officially say it was over. We barely texted after, just to return stuff. I was a bit confused about the breakup so I stupidly asked him why a couple weeks after but I have not had any contact with him since. Unfortunately we have mutual friends on social media and I've seen he's been hanging around with some girl he went to high school with (a friend when we were together - I know for sure nothing more until we broke up). I have no idea if they are having sex or hooking up or just hanging out a lot as friends but I think there is a strong chance that they could be "friends with benefits" or some other variation of that. He goes away to school and is home currently for the summer. So even if they are together, I seriously doubt he will stay with her when he goes back to school. Being single in college is definitely something he wanted to experience I think.

 

Long distance was primarily the reason things ended, we became too distant (mostly from his side). Unfortunately when we broke up, he gave me the hope that we could stay friends and even try again in a few years time. But this hope is truly killing me and preventing me from moving on and healing. Anyways, I think he's been drinking a lot recently (Which is kind of normal for him) and probably getting with other girls.

Is all hope lost? I do not plan on contacting him again, but I have this small hope he will contact me before he goes back to school, I don't know. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I unfollowed him on all social media because I was too upset when I saw things he was posting - never anything related to the breakup, it was all very normal. Could he have been faking happiness? Thats what I feel like I've been doing. I noticed he still follows me on everything, so I've been posting lots of things about how I'm doing okay, when in reality I feel like Im dying most of the time. I want him back, but I don't think we could survive the distance again, especially bc he wasn't putting any effort in towards the end. Maybe if he realizes he made a huge mistake, but otherwise probably not. We were together over 2 years and he was my life. Now I'm feeling really successful in almost achieving 30 days NC - like the relationship "experts" say I need to do. But does this really mean anything if I still feel like **** and it seems he's already moved on? I don't know what to think. In 2 months, if I still haven't heard from him I was going to like something he posts on social media - and refollow him. Just to see if that would spark any interest? I dont know

 

PS - I Know it's not COMPLETE NC because I still see him via mutual friends, but commenting about that isn't going to change much. I'm really trying and this is my NC, so please just don't focus your comment around me not really being in NC.

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, 30 or 60 days or 4.72 months doesn't mean anything if the other person was truly checked out of the relationship and isn't interested in reigniting anything. A lot of these online "gurus" spout the 30-day rule, because it's marketable and tangible and gives the broken-hearted something to hold on to. But it's a number pulled out of thin are to help sell their programs.

 

Given that distance is still a factor and you were putting in more effort trying to keep your relationship going, I'd say the chances for reconciliation are low. I certainly applaud you for not contacting him directly over the last 25 days, but now would be a good time to at the very least unfollow/hide him from your social media. Seeing what he's up to is nothing but a painful reminder that he hasn't come looking for you.

[basil67]

You say that the breakup was pretty much mutual. This means that him ending it wasn't a massive mistake.

 

Tell us what issues drove you apart. I'm hoping we can help give you some closure.

[MarvelFan1]

We're all guilty of posting pictures of how great our lives are after a break up, on social media, when you can bet the vast majority of the time, it's just a front to hide the pain.

 

All the smiles, the selfies the pictures of being out with friends having a 'great' time with the, 'I'm happy, free and enjoying life', posts. I've done it, my ex has, it's all a way to either pretend your okay or to try and make your ex jealous.

 

And ex's that say, 'we can still be friends' or 'maybe we can hook up in the future', that's them just using you as a back up plan, in case this new solo venture doesn't work out for them. Do you really want to be his back up plan, feeling miserable and wondering 'what if', not healing yourself and finding a man who wants you right now, who loves you? Why should he be happy doing what he wants while you sit on the bench in case he needs to call you on as a sub after a few years.

 

If you haven't heard anything in the last two months, then that says it all. If someone loved you they would be messaging you morning, noon and night to get you back and not giving up. One day he will message you out of the blue when he is bored or lonely and give you the , 'I miss you' speech, which will be funny as he doesn't seem to miss you right now.

 

Save yourself, move on and find yourself a new man and keep it local, for a healthier relationship.

[doglover98]

We had been fighting a lot towards the end, because I hadn't felt like he was as invested as I was. Things were okay the first semester, but in the spring he decided to join a fraternity. He had a really tough time during the pledging process with hazing and everything and it kind of brought us closer together because I was really the only person there for him. He was really appreciative of me for basically keeping him sane even if we were an hour apart. After he was included into the frat though, it basically became his main priority. He kind of became to change into this big drinker and he would smoke cigs with his brothers to be "cool". He had always been a big drinker but now he goes out 3-4 days out of the week and he's starting to show the beginnings of an alcoholic. When he finally came home for the summer, he was working 40 hours a week so I barely ever got to see him. When he wasn't working, he was either sleeping or hanging out with friends from hs he never got to see. I was always "invited" but he never ever wanted to do anything alone together unless it included sitting on the couch. Anytime I tried to make plans with him to get dinner, things fell through or he forgot. I did everything I could to try to get him to be more invested, even threatening ending things but nothing really worked. Eventually we decided its for the best to end things - when we broke up he admitted he wasn't a good boyfriend at the end and he was sorry. Which was nice to hear. Basically school became his top priority and he couldn't balance me in with that, I couldn't handle putting myself through being treated that way and he didn't want to put me through it anymore so we decided to end things. I know its for the best. Just can't stop this hope because if it weren't for the distance, we were always amazing when we were together.

[doglover98]

You're right. I'm really glad I never caved in and purchased any of their bs, but I did come close. Social media has been really tough for me to stop checking, but I think with time I'm making some sort of progress. Thanks for your kind response, I hope that I will continue to be successful in not directly contacting him and get better at the social media aspect

[stillafool]

I have to be honest with you that from what you wrote about the reasons for your break up it sounds like he is gone for good. It doesn't sound like he was all that invested (in love) in the relationship before he ended it. He is young and wants to concentrate on school and having fun. You should too at your ages. It would be a good idea to force yourself to stay off of social media and not hang out where you know he might be because you will just end up being hurt and set back in your healing.

[doglover98]

It's been a long 2 months since our breakup. I'm assuming this post will connect to all my previous ones, so feel free to read those as well. I guess I've had a lot of time to reflect on things. I 100% blamed him for our demise. But I think now that I pushed him away. Our relationship was really messy since the start, but we were so good together, we just had really bad luck. And were both young, still trying to figure things out. To sum things up, I went away to school and we took a break where we both slept with other people. In a way I think it kinda ****ed up my trust with him, which caused many of our problems down the road. When he went to school (I'm a year older), things were ok in the beginning. But I realized I'm a very jealous and overprotective. In some ways I definitely over did it with the jealousy and getting angry over little things. I think a lot of this came from the lack of trust I had. Just recently, before the breakup, I think I regained my trust in him - but it was too late. I think because of my jealousy, I pushed him away.

 

The end of our relationship was filled with me constantly feeling insecure about us. I think he lost a lot of respect? for me and patience because of how needy I was when he was away. So he stopped offering to take me out or make plans with just us. If we were in groups, he would somewhat ignore me. And for our 2nd year anniversary he got me nothing, and didn't take me out. Honestly I'm one of the most easy going people in the world and I would've been happy with him taking me out for ice cream just as some sort of appreciation towards the past 2 years. But I seriously got nothing.

 

Could I be the reason behind the distance between us that ended our relationship? Could realizing this stretch out the heartbreak? The first 2 weeks of the breakup I was an absolute mess and I ate almost nothing - I lost 15lbs. But since the beginning I feel like I've remained in this numb/empty going through the motions type of life. I feel like I make some progress, but then i'm right back to where I started. I even took a trip abroad for 3 weeks and that definitely helped, but now that I'm home I feel like **** all over again.

 

One other thing. Since the breakup my ex has seemed 100% fine. I haven't spoken with him in 1 1/2 months but I definitely have not been successful in deleting him from social media. I've been looking for some sort of reassurance that he misses me too, but for the first month +, I found nothing. 2 weeks into my vacation, he started posting things. I think it was because I'd been posting things online about how great of a time i was having, and he felt jealous or something. Anyways, we both have "drunk twitters", or twitter accounts we tweet on when we're drinking. I use mine somewhat regularly, but he hasn't used his since 2016 and I am basically his only follower. A week ago he started posting things on there like "I ****ed up" and "Wish u knew" and "Just once more". All kinda vague things, but 100% directed towards me since I'm his only follower. Then 2 nights ago, I tweeted on mine "If I smoke a cig, then will I be good enough for you?". I tweeted this because he always wanted to go out drinking and whenever he did, he would always smoke cigarettes and I would get so mad at him and it would occasionally start a fight. Then he tweeted separately on his drunk account "You always have been and always will be". So I tweeted on mine (not @ him, but in a separate tweet) "Things wouldn't be the way they were if I was". and he tweeted separately, "Just go back to normal". I have no idea what this means. What is normal?

 

He goes back to school in less than a month. I just got back from my vacation today. Do these tweets mean anything? I'm done subtweeting him and I'm lessening how much i check on him on social media but I'm so confused. What are the chances he will contact me before he leaves for school? If u look at my earlier posts, our relationship ended cleanly and we discussed getting back together after school. I really hope this will happen, even though I know it's not a great idea to get back together right now (even if he wanted to). I just want to understand I guess. Any advice helps, sorry for the long post

[bummer]

I guess I've had a lot of time to reflect on things.

Not really. 2 months with some serious back and forth chatter is not a lot.

 

I 100% blamed him for our demise. But I think now that I pushed him away.

blamed him then, but realize now the guilt is partly (mostly?) with you?

 

"Just go back to normal". I have no idea what this means. What is normal?

I am inferring between the lines, but perhaps he means "Just go back to not jealous/overprotective"

[doglover98]

Thanks for your reply. We actually have barely spoken over the past 2 months. Only to retrieve my things then kind of "indirectly" through those tweets. Other than that I've heard nothing from him, and he hasn't tried to reach out to me. I wouldn't say it was 100% my fault. What I'm trying to say is that I always blamed him for us not making it. But I think I've realized that I hold some of the blame as well. In the ending few months, he pretty much just gave up on me. I honestly did so much for him: I did a lot of his homework, drove him around, paid for most of our meals (if we did go out). And he just stopped paying so much attention to me. Another big reason was that when he came home for the summer, he went straight into working a full time job. So he was constantly tired and never wanted to do anything with me, yet he always wanted to do things with his friends. I was always invited, but it was never just us (unless we were on the couch watching TV). Anytime I tried to make plans to do something together he forgot or bailed. But at the same time I think I did possibly push him to act this way with the arguing and jealousy.

 

I'm not sure if he realized that me being jealous also played a big role in this ending. Probably he did? So I guess you're right he could mean that as being normal. I'm also wondering if "normal" could be after we broke up. We never really spoke to one another, never really subtweeted each other. Maybe he doesn't want to give me any false hope that we could get together soon, so he's saying go back not speaking? Or normal as in us being together. Maybe he is interested in even just talking? I know if he wants to get together to talk I'll tell him we should wait until at least winter break to consider getting back together. Time apart is definitely what we need. I don't know, everything is really confusing. And all these mixed signals he's sending are messing up my healing process.

[doglover98]

So my ex and I actually kinda work together. His parents own a golf course and I work inside cashing people out and he works on the grounds so it's rare we run into each other. I'm really thankful he didn't make me find a new job because I love it there. Anyways, occasionally I'll see him (from very far away) like on a mower or whatever but it's been 2 months since the breakup and we haven't really talked or seen each other since. Today I saw him as I was clocking out and he was coming out of the bathroom. It was too quick to be considered really awkward, but we both looked at each other for a split second and then I just immediately turned around and walked out. I feel like this was the best scenario for me in this situation?

 

He's been sending me mixed signals recently. If you read my previous posts, we broke up because of long distance. And he's going back to school in a few weeks. I think he recently realized how much he misses me. I unfollowed him on some social media, but he has been indirectly tweeting at me recently and yesterday he liked my insta pic? I'm just like feeling ****ty because I wish he wouldn't do that **** if he didn't want to get back together. I have NO idea what he's thinking. But its getting my hopes up and I'm back to fantasizing about him ransoming showing up at my house or other stupid things like that. **** this. Could us seeing each other possibly make him contact me? I don't plan on contacting him, but has anyone seeing your ex made them contact you? Or you them? just curious

[dumbass2]

After seeing you, if he really misses you and regrets his decision, then I would think he would come right out and contact you directly. The other stuff he's doing is just normal post break up stuff. If he doesn't contact after this, then just keep moving forward and don't contact him. Him not directly contacting you now will tell you exactly how he feels. He'll never get a chance to see if he'll miss you if you're still around for him.