It ended last night

[Zona]

And in all honesty the family friend part was recent not a long standing friendship...but we've done things together, in an attempt to be in each others lives and not EA...

 

I am just curious, are you being honest about never having sex with her? I think most of us here will find that hard to believe if the emotional attachment had reached the level you describe.

 

Since we are a bunch of strangers who don't know your real identity, you could safely admit it here. It might help to get it off your chest.

 

The reason I ask is if you did have sex with her and the husband finds out, the fact that she brought you into her home and got you to meet her husband could completely obliterate the marriage. It will be seen by him as revenge/disrespect/cruelty/hatred/etc. We've seen it so many times here.

[TheC0ugar]

I agree no reason to hide things here...No sex involved, I meant it when I said we didn't kiss. We were both aware that the story ended with me not getting to keep her and that she would have to tell her H everything.

 

Again, I KNOW there is still a huge amount of pain for him regardless.

My shock and initial post came from not realizing it(confessing to H) was happening.

[Zona]

How's your sex life with your wife? If it's not good, why don't you try to rekindle it? You might be surprised how much that could improve things. Intimacy and sex are completely intertwined, and if your wife feels more intimacy and attachment to you, things could improve tremendously.

 

You obviously were deeply in love with her at one point if you asked her to marry you. Who says you can't get back to that? At this point what do you have to lose? Take some risks, try new things, even in the sack. You never know.

 

No point sitting around feeling sorry for yourself about what could have been with a married woman.

[TheC0ugar]

Non-existent

 

I am calmer today, reading a lot on here has been therapeutic to say the least.

Tomorrow, I'm sure I'll be spinning at some point because we would have seen each other and now won't.

It was suggested that I tell my W about the EA and tonight I plan on doing just that. It obviously won't be pretty, but I am hoping that the lack of physical activity may help? suggestions? (again, I am not trying to belittle the event of tonight or the affects it will have on BW)

[elaine567]

Non-existent

 

I am calmer today, reading a lot on here has been therapeutic to say the least.

Tomorrow, I'm sure I'll be spinning at some point because we would have seen each other and now won't.

It was suggested that I tell my W about the EA and tonight I plan on doing just that. It obviously won't be pretty, but I am hoping that the lack of physical activity may help? suggestions? (again, I am not trying to belittle the event of tonight or the affects it will have on BW)

 

The lack of physical activity may help but even emotional affairs can be very hard on some women, especially women who view the emotional attachment as being the very core of the relationship.

The fact you shared that special part of yourself with another woman can be devastating.

Men (and some women) it seems to me are really really upset over the physical element of cheating, others (often women) can "cope" better with extramarital sex (a ONS, she meant nothing, it was just sex) but are far more upset about the emotional betrayal.

Of course many BSs will not believe it did not turn physical anyway.

 

YOU need to play it by ear, but be prepared for your wife to be floored whether you say it was physical or not.

[Zona]

It was suggested that I tell my W about the EA and tonight I plan on doing just that. It obviously won't be pretty, but I am hoping that the lack of physical activity may help? suggestions? (again, I am not trying to belittle the event of tonight or the affects it will have on BW)

 

Just be totally honest. No "trickle truth" as they call it. Lay it all out in excruciating detail. If you try to cover things up and it comes out later it will be WAY worse.

 

I just read a study that said women think that their husband being in love with another women is worse than sex.

 

It's great you are doing this, but your wife will likely be totally blindsided and devastated, so be prepared for that. Don't let that stop you, it's the right thing to do in the long run.

[dichotomy]

I suppose there are reasons - good ones -major ones - why you have not left your marriage.

 

Please get some counseling to help you work though this.

 

Also right now it might help you to try to put yourself in the shoes of her "good husband"

 

I am on the fence about confessing this EA to your wife. Most women its not about sex - its about the feelings. You would have a better chance having confessed to a hooker.

[sandylee1]

With a non existent sex life she should not be surprised. He's already mentioned trying to go to MC for 6 years.

 

Being surprised or blindsided is a bit foolish in this scenario.

[Mr Blunt]

Cougar

No sex, 6 years of MC, you have no children at home, and you give the impression that your marriage sucks big time! You could have used a bit more backbone and divorced your wife and then look for a woman that was NOT married and had children. Instead you tried to take the easy way and not have to go through the pain of divorce and then you get involved with another woman that is married to replace your wife in the emotions department. Now you have hurt the OW, her husband, and their children.

 

Where do I go from here?

You have a lot of pain right now because you did not have a backbone so now you are going to have to suffer the consequences of your choices. Hopefully you will be a stand up man and work on yourself and make changes so that you will not be so pitifully needy and hurt innocent husbands and children in the future.

 

Very few if any people are going to sympathize with you for your free will choices. You knew she was married, had children, so use your pain to motivate you to make the changes that you need to make so you do not hurt so many people in the future.

 

 

 

The text last night was a complete shock and I am resolved that I won't ever know "why" and everything here says that the why doesn't matter...it does to me...

 

You do not get it do you?.....You are concerned about the “WHY” and that means that you are not turning completely away from your damage and betrayal and want to know about the connection or disconnection that you had with the OW. If you really are so concerned about the OW and her family you would grow a backbone and put every thought of her out of your mind….

[sandylee1]

I don't understand how you don't know the 'why'.

It's obvious. She's married. Her husband knows about it and he not surprisingly doesn't want his wife being involved with another man like this.

 

Go the divorce route and find happiness with another woman.

 

I was reading elsewhere recently and the wife said she hadn't had sex with he husband in three years. She kept turning him down because she was no longer sexually attracted to him. She was wondering how she could raise the discussion of an open marriage.... Maybe that's another option for you.

[mikeylo]

I highly doubt that your wife will be taken for surprise. Instead, she will finally get the answer to her questions and will be able to join the pieces together.

 

What will be difficult is for her to believe you in is if it went physical or not. Most guys can have sex with anyone , even get them pregnant with little feelings but if a guy is emotionally attached and invested, that's a hard thing to deal with.

 

With no children and an unfulfilled marriage, why are you still married ? Fear of being alone and finances. Do the hard work. Affair is easy.

[road]

I have been in an emotional affair for 6 months. We have never kissed but have held each other for extended periods of time, feeling a kiss would open flood gates for an all out sexual affair. She has an amazing life, great husband, kids...My marriage is basically a partnership...

Last night I got a text from her and her H, stating this would be the last text/email/anything...they are working on their marriage and wished the best for mine...

I am going a little crazy, but know that she is doing whats right, and the guilt of possibly destroying their life has subsided...

Just having panic attack after panic attack here at work and saw some old posts here...

help...where do I go from here?

 

Block her and go NC with her.

[cocorico]

My marriage was very one sided, I was the pleaser, server...after 6 years and MC I got tired of it, so we share a house and a dog. I workout with friends she now goes to women's groups...

 

Sell the house, take the dog. Sounds like the R you have with your BW isn't even near as good as you could have with a dog.

[William]

Couple things:

 

1. It appears there is no affair here, as the title of the post says "It ended last night" but we'll give BOTD that the title is optimistic. Hence, with both parties apparently being married, the thread can be located in either our Infidelity forum or Other Man/Other Woman forum. Guidance on that:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/326395-you-right-forum-update-july-30-2013-a

 

2. The OP did at some point request the thread be closed so I'll do that now while they consider the content, and that of this post, and they can request it re-opened via the 'alert us' button on this post.

 

As always, LoveShack.org expects members to be topical and respectful in their responses. Thanks!