A case of GIGS? Or are labels useless...

[Michelle ma Belle]

How long were you together?

 

To address the above, yes breakups are indeed hard especially when the dumper reveals something you were clueless about.

 

As you already mentioned, this experience has made you smarter in terms of what to look out for in your next relationship so you don't end up at the same place.

 

The breakup is still fresh which is why you're having a hard time coping. Time is the only remedy.

 

Good luck.

[IDB_2017]

How long were you together?

 

To address the above, yes breakups are indeed hard especially when the dumper reveals something you were clueless about.

 

As you already mentioned, this experience has made you smarter in terms of what to look out for in your next relationship so you don't end up at the same place.

 

The breakup is still fresh which is why you're having a hard time coping. Time is the only remedy.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks! We were together for 6.5 years. We did LD for the last 3 years, and I was due to come back soon. She was dedicated before then, we had a spark, but in the last year she began having doubts, which coincided with her living a more 'single life' in her new city and our physical time together being once every 2-4 weeks rather than every week (flight issues outside of our control).

 

I was fully committed to her, as a partner, lover and person, but I feel like I have been kicked to the curb because she a) couldn't be honest with me and communicate her loss of feelings for me and b) because she wasn't mature enough to put our whole relationship into perspective and realise that LD is really tough and that may have something to do with the lack of attraction, and that we should try to improve things together.

[whatnot]

I had one of the strangest experiences happen to me just before the demise of a 7 year LDR. It happened one morning as I was getting out of bed.

 

I awoke. Laying there...waking up....you know how we do....wake up and gather ourselves....getting into the mindset of..."OK...time to really get up".

 

As I swung my legs off of the bed and sat on the side of the bed with my feet on the floor....my face lowered into my hands....supported by my elbows on my legs. My hands completely covered my face. I thought..."Man...this is tough".

 

Before I stood up....I cannot call it a feeling....because...it did not feel like any feeling I'd ever experienced before.....and it was so all encompassing. It was, for lack of a better term...."what I was".....i.e....making it more "I am this" rather than a I'm "feeling" this.

 

 

What I experienced...was a total lack...of anything....left inside of me...to use...It had all been..."used up". It was the sum total of the relationship....that had left me...at that moment...not feeling as if I had "been used"...., but rather...that the sum total of the relationship...had left me...at that moment...totally, utterly and completely....*used UP*. There was at that moment...not only nothing inside of me to use....but it was also that it had been used "up". Nothing left to use. "I cannot be used now. There's nothing here, inside of me, to use".

 

Subtle, but distinct difference....at that moment. It's probably fairly uncommon for anyone of any age (mid-life on, say)....that doesn't know the feeling of "being used" or "having been used". I know I have had that feeling before in circumstances that involved other things besides romance. Business...family....etc...many things can cause us to feel used....from time to time....or at least once or twice, during our lifetimes.

 

this was different. This wasn't a feeling of being used, or of having been used. It was the "experience" of "there is nothing left of me to use". "There's nothing here".

 

It lasted maybe 30 seconds....at which point...it was time to go begin standing up to get on with my day. (which I did) Throughout that day...and ever since that morning....it's never returned. It was one of the strangest experiences of my life.

 

It was definitely due to the relationship I was having with my ex girlfriend. I knew that much, as I was feeling somewhat used for many months...if not years...in maybe more of a subconscious way...or fleeting feelings....and toward the end....when we would part ways from a date....the feeling of being used would come over me. But...those were feelings....without the added dimension of..."nothing left".

 

It's a strange thing when there's nothing left inside of oneself to use...to your core....where even the core has been used up.

Edited August 16, 2017 by whatnot

[IDB_2017]

I was reading this article earlier: "The making of a cheater" []

 

For my case (I caught my ex-GF of 6 years emotionally cheating on me in our LDR, subsequently finding out that she had physically cheated on her previous LTR also), this article is pretty accurate with respect to her back-story.

 

My ex-GF's parents are not in a good relationship, and her mother has likely cheated on her father, and her mother's mother also had an unhealthy attitude to relationships. My ex-GF used to dread her mother coming home, furthermore, and never felt a strong bond with her even as young as 5 years old.

 

My ex-GF struggled with depression quite young, attempted suicide, and had showed signs of low mood and loneliness during the early stages of our relationship. Her episode of emotional cheating occurred during our LDR, which was ending very shortly, and after she had moved to a new town and made new friends, giving her a 'new perspective' on life.

 

Anyway, it's dangerous to 'psycho-analyse' past relationships, but perhaps this article is of interest to some people here, or could create some discussion around the issue with cheating.

Edited August 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted URL ~6

[aileD]

I hope everyone thst has kids and is cheating on their spouse reads this.

[Chica80]

Very interesting article.....I agree and relate to alot of it.

 

A cheater was neglected and emotionally abused in her childhood. The neglect is usually perpetrated by the father, and the emotional abuse is usually perpetrated by the mother. The abuse is very specific: it's attacking the kid when the kid tries to express negative emotions. The neglect is also very specific: it's abandonment.

 

These circumstances produce a child that feels "wrong" or "bad", with poor self-image. At the same time, because of the emotional abuse, the child learns to deal with his negative emotions by self-censoring / suppressing the thoughts that prompted those emotions (because if he expressed them, he would quickly be punished by his internalized "mother voice" telling her that "saying bad things makes her bad"). In other words -- the child learns to deny himself the opportunity to express his feelings, and eventually denies the reality of his thoughts. This coping mechanism is very effective to sustain the unhealthy relationship with the mother -- let's remember that the kid has no choice but to relate to the mother -- because it prevents disputes and punishments. Note that this thought suppression does not actually suppress the emotions themselves, but it does handicap the ability of the child to be aware of her thoughts and to deal with them rationally.

 

This is the recipe to get a kid -- and an adult -- who is propense to mood swings, dissatisfaction and unhappiness, but is completely, literally, unable to explain why she experiences these emotions... which, of course, makes dealing with the root causes of her negative emotions very, very difficult. You can see why the expression of these emotions, internal or external, would trigger her coping mechanism, and to "punish" herself with even worse emotions.

 

After she's engaged another person successfully, their shared activities provide the cheater with the relief she is seeking for (which, believe it or not, is not actually about sex at the beginning, but rather about intimacy that she just cannot have in her relationship as long as her issues persist).*

 

A complete cure that would actually stop the cheating is this: The cheater needs to heal from the abandonment issues, re-establish a sane and healthy self-image, fully discard the poisonous beliefs she has held for so long, replace them with morally good beliefs, accept her actions, come clean to the people she has betrayed, and truly live with the consequences of what she has done. Then, the cheater needs to replace her bad habits with good ones, and do whatever her partner asks of her, to demonstrate that she is trustworthy.