New to Dating...

[Quagmire243]

I was in the office this past week. She was originally off to take care of her father. It sounds as though he has now died which is why she is off again. She will be returning. Her mother lives out of the country and she will be working in the office for awhile so she isn't only. Given this information, probably isn't appropriate to try to get a date. Being that she will be in the office for the foreseeable future, I'm sure out paths will cross. Not sure how to exactly handle this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to know this information as I overheard it. She has been unusually silent on Facebook. I have started the online dating. That hasn't gone well. I looked at a few profiles and even women I'm not interested in are blocking me after merely viewing their profile. I still want to keep the door open for the woman at work whenever she is ready. I'm not sure when that will be or how to even tell. At any rate, my chance was probably last year and this is just desperation now. I still want to work online dating while seeing what happens with the woman at work. My profile apparently needs some work.

[Versacehottie]

I was in the office this past week. She was originally off to take care of her father. It sounds as though he has now died which is why she is off again. She will be returning. Her mother lives out of the country and she will be working in the office for awhile so she isn't only. Given this information, probably isn't appropriate to try to get a date. Being that she will be in the office for the foreseeable future, I'm sure out paths will cross. Not sure how to exactly handle this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to know this information as I overheard it. She has been unusually silent on Facebook. I have started the online dating. That hasn't gone well. I looked at a few profiles and even women I'm not interested in are blocking me after merely viewing their profile. I still want to keep the door open for the woman at work whenever she is ready. I'm not sure when that will be or how to even tell. At any rate, my chance was probably last year and this is just desperation now. I still want to work online dating while seeing what happens with the woman at work. My profile apparently needs some work.

 

Glad you are going to join the athletic leagues. I know that will be really great for you. And getting a trainer is awesome. Basically all this stuff will help you build your confidence--not only make you look better. And i'm glad you are taking proactive steps to switch therapists. It's funny as an outsider looking in I see that you are making lots of progress. I know it might not feel that way to you because you are with yourself every day and want things to change in your social life and of course that desire is pretty immediate. Give yourself a break and take a look at how far you've come and most of the time you don't seem too discouraged. Stick with that feeling. It's impressive what you've done. You are totally changing your life and that's a big task. I hope you get some good tips on your profile--maybe start another thread about that specifically. Lots of people have done that here and gotten some good feedback.

 

I think online dating can be brutal and discouraging some of the time so make sure that you don't let it affect your positive momentum overall.

 

About the girl at work: yeah if her dad died she is probably not in the best place to be dating at this very moment. I think you overthink things about her too much. try not to put so much emphasis on what you do and think about her. It's too much pressure on you and it's something she will feel too most likely in one way or another. You need to level the playing field to have a better chance with her, i.e. no pedestals. You are like equals--otherwise why would someone date someone who is not their equal.

 

So yes go to the work party and yes absolutely reach out and say you heard her father passed away and offer condolences. If you care about someone and are friends, these are normal things to do. You just need to take it back to that level in your head so that you don't worry that you can't say "sorry your dad passed away". It's normal that you would have heard this at work or through colleagues. It's normal to acknowledge it. I worry that you are putting so much emphasis on her that you might be devastated if it doesn't work out. In a way, you are both consumed by her and paralyzed to make a move. Since you don't have much experience, many guys don't make one huge leap to asking someone out but actually do a series of small steps. IMO, this is the best thing to do, especially for you. Like you have to do the flirting and connecting with her in small ways to gauge her interest and BUILD her interest. Not just jump to "hey you want to go on a date". Much of the time that stuff is jarring when there has been no build up and especially in a work situation. Anyway, my two cents. good luck

[Quagmire243]

I'm hoping I can afford a trainer. I have knee problems that were made worse by the weight. My knee has a tendency to give out and I was advised to try strengthening it. Hopefully that works out and I can play softball.

 

This is the first time I had a crush on someone that wasn't married or a celebrity and who may actually like me. Quite honestly, I don't know how to flirt or what exactly flirting consists of. I'll have to look at re-creating my online profile from scratch. I don't have any good pics and basically use my tripod to take pics of myself.

Edited November 20, 2017 by Quagmire243

[Quagmire243]

So the work event I mentioned early is happening this Sunday. I noticed on the invitee list she is coming. This is totally unexpected since she wasn't here. This would be the first in person meeting I had with her since March. I'm really nervous on how to handle this. There is going to be about 10 people which may be a little large for me. I'm more comfortable with 5 or so. I notice I'm going to be the only guy there. I really don't have a problem being a group of all women. I actually get along better with women. It's only when I have a crush on one does it become an issue. I kind of feel this is my shot to at least make some sort of progress. At the very least, I have to be able to approach someone I have a crush on. I got burned in high school when I showed interest in a crush and it has affected me ever since.

[rightondude]

take a deep breath.

 

go to the party. Tell her it's great seeing her again. Let the conversation go from there. I wouldn't feel the need to make your move then and there. Just re-establish the connection.

 

Try to enjoy yourself and GET OUT OF YOUR OWN HEAD.

[Quagmire243]

Well it went bad. I'm just not good in a group. I seem to be getting worse. I just keep thinking about it and I keep getting this anxiety. In January I'm going to just switch psychiatrists. Until then, it probably doesn't even make sense to try to date.

[MaleIntuition]

That’s some very impressive weight loss, well done!

 

I know it’s hard, but I do think you need to consider letting this specific girl go. Although I can understand some of the previous advice of going down the friends path and insert some flirting... well it’s hard and I don’t think I agree with them. Asking her to go do something vague or “hang out” will very quickly create a Schrodinger-date where both will be confused. One big advantage of being clear; “Hey, I’ve been thinking about you lately and would love to take you out on a date.” is that it doesn’t create any ambiguity. As a consequence flirting during a date is actually less important than during a work-setting since the date setting in itself will help to create some of the needed excitement and tension. Another problem with pretending that you want friendship when in reality you want a romantic relationship is that you per definition is being dishonest with her while there are major risks that you will end up being hurt.

 

Do you need a personal trainer? There are tons of material on the net. Softball sounds cool. Persuing new interest is probably the best way to meet new people as a grown up. Perhaps a hiking group (unisex) could be something to look into?

 

Finally, don’t agonize about being an introvert. There are tons of girls who prefer the thoughtfulness and insightfulness that often comes with introverts. Your goal should not be to become the extrovert that loves to be the center of attention but rather become a better and more interesting version of yourself.

[Quagmire243]

I had let her go. She was not supposed to be going. This was kind of an outing for some of us who put in some extra time at work. She was on leave at the time so she wasn't part of the original group who was supposed to go. She was added very late. My intentions were to practice being social and try to make connections. I'm not trying to be the center of attention but at least make a connection instead of just being there.

 

A lot of my issues probably date back to high school. There was a girl I was interested in and would check her out and she just made me feel horrible about it. Now when I'm attracted to someone, I tend to look away and almost ignore them. I'm almost afraid to let them know I'm interested.

 

I tried some weight lifting and would get strains in some areas from doing it improperly. I was only looking for a trainer to get started and then go off on my own.

[Quagmire243]

I figured I would bring back this thread instead of starting a new one. I've pretty much moved on from the woman at work that this thread was originally about. I have been exchanging messages with a woman online. She sought me out and liked my profile. I messaged her and she responded. The responses have been more detailed and she's asking me questions. I feel like it's getting close to a meet in person. I need to know what is expected from myself on a first date? How long should it last? Do I request a second date if it went well? Do I end the first date?

[d0nnivain]

There is a difference between a 1st meet & a 1st date. There are probably articles about it on your dating site. Read them.

 

Anyway, a 1st meet is traditionally short, public & cheap. You meet at the location: bar or coffee shop. You can get more creative but that can be stressful. You meet, you talk, you consume one beverage, maybe 2 & part. If you liked each other by the next day you communicate to plan your 1st date which can be something more elaborate like dinner.

 

What's expected for both is that you show up on time, neatly dressed, & behave politely. You get to know each other & if the vibe is there you share a good night kiss (or more if that is your preference).

[Quagmire243]

This concerns me. How can I tell if she wants to be kissed? I also doubt I'm very good at it.

 

Another issue is at some point I'm going to have to bring up my weight history. I feel like it's best to bring it up after we meet. When and how should I bring it up?

[d0nnivain]

This is kind of stupid but watch the movie Hitch with Will Smith where he's teaching the other guy about the first kiss.

 

As for your weight, you don't have to bring it up. Don't make some sort of announcement. You used to be fat. So what? You are who you are now. That is all that matters. I don't go around telling people I had an eating disorder in college. It's not a problem now & now is what counts. If it comes up you acknowledge the past struggle & change the subject.

[Quagmire243]

I asked her to meet. She was excited about meeting but said she had to ask before we meet what my spiritual orientation is. I was honest and told her I'm not into religion and would probably identify as an atheist. That was a dealbreaker for her since she is a Catholic. Kind of disappointing she didn't ask from the start. Back to the drawing board. If her faith is this important to her, it would have never worked anyways.

 

The weight is still going be an issue. I still have excess skin under my arms and wear long sleeve shorts. When I was overweight I always avoided drawing attention to myself. It's not easy to just undo years of hiding from social interactions.

[Versacehottie]

I asked her to meet. She was excited about meeting but said she had to ask before we meet what my spiritual orientation is. I was honest and told her I'm not into religion and would probably identify as an atheist. That was a dealbreaker for her since she is a Catholic. Kind of disappointing she didn't ask from the start. Back to the drawing board. If her faith is this important to her, it would have never worked anyways.

 

The weight is still going be an issue. I still have excess skin under my arms and wear long sleeve shorts. When I was overweight I always avoided drawing attention to myself. It's not easy to just undo years of hiding from social interactions.

 

Good for you!!! Yes, she should have said something that was so definitive that she wanted in a partner. But still the important part is your growth and the fact that you DID it and asked her out. And you seem to have a pretty good attitude with "back to the drawing board". That's what it takes to make it through dating, especially if you don't have much experience. It be nice to say you will get lucky and meet the perfect girl and everything will go smoothly on the first try but it's bound to be a little more challenging than that as it is for almost everyone.

 

You are right about the bolded. Of course. But give yourself credit. The majority of people would not be able to lose the weight first of all and second of all it's very attractive that you keep trying to improve yourself, in whichever area of your life. There's an element of confidence and self-belief in that growth and willingness that other people should find very attractive. So embrace it. About the excess skin. That's nothing you need to state up front. Just wait until you are deeper in with someone--they will usually care about you by that point so they will be more understanding. I have a feeling you might be able to buy some more time, i.e. which will have them more attached to you, because of your inexperience you might be going slower--not quite sleeping with a girl on the cliche 3rd date maybe. Anyway, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Keep setting small goals in relation to all the things you would like to happen and the execute. Make sure since you don't have much practice with social interactions that you practice those on a small everyday basis wherever you go. Getting better at that with strangers, acquaintances and friends will translate into being more comfortable socializing on a date. Put the work in every day now so you won't be under immense pressure when you are on your first date with a promising girl. Good luck

[newyorker11356]

This concerns me. How can I tell if she wants to be kissed? I also doubt I'm very good at it.

 

For me, at this point, I usually just tend to go for the kiss. Most women have been receptive to it. It does take some practice to just go for it, lol, especially when you're really new to dating.

[Quagmire243]

I figured I would bump this instead of creating a new thread. I was talking with a woman online. It had been going on for a few weeks. The responses though were short so I wasn't sure if she was just not interested or shy but she kept responding. Finally the responses stopped. I figured she was not interested and wrote her off. I was going through my messages and noticed on my last message to her, which was August 2nd, it says failed to send. It turns out I'm the one who ended conversation. This error didn't appear, or I didn't notice it, when I sent the message. Now I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if I should message her again after over two weeks or move on? I feel bad now just ignoring her. I wasn't quite sure where this was going so I'm not sure if I should message her or just move on?

[d0nnivain]

Go ahead & tell her what you told us & apologize. She may come back. If she does, great. If she doesn't, you are no worse off then you are now.