Am I paranoid??

[Miss Clavel]

Yes I know I need to cut him off and I've made it clear to you that I never want to speak with him again. Now I just need to not let seeing them together bother me.... easier said than done. I wish I didn't feel this way

 

 

i'm assuming that like most of us, you need a paycheck, no?

 

hold your head up, and get your work done.

 

and yes, he either told the new OW about you or someone else did. which means that people at work are talking about your sex life, with a married man, at your job, for the love of god.

 

i've been thru this. it's still going on. off and on for 10 years!! and yes, my crush has never been married but the woman he took up with, right in front of me, day after day, was married.

 

they broke up and he came back.

 

i can't take him back. it's over. it's over and it will stay over because i made up my mind. and i kept my job and i kept the secret.

 

he runs his mouth but i pretend to be deaf, and since i hold my head up, he's beneath me.

 

and he's gonna stay there.

 

let go. move on. in that order.

 

consider a mantra. a phrase you say out loud over and over and over, 100 times a day.

 

i used "it's over, the end" and "i deserve better".

 

good luck

[BaileyB]

It makes me laugh how the fact that he has a wife at home doesn't even enter your discussion... It's all about this other girl and the fact that they are giving each other attention. Its like you have totally convinced yourself that you have this relationship with this man and his WIFE is inconsequntial. It's so bizarre.

 

But yes, you have done the right thing to leave this cheating man behind.

[skywriter]

Moonlight_Coffee,

 

I hope you are hanging in there maintaining NC,feeling alright emotionally today, and that work has gone well for you today.

[jah526]

It makes me laugh how the fact that he has a wife at home doesn't even enter your discussion... It's all about this other girl and the fact that they are giving each other attention. Its like you have totally convinced yourself that you have this relationship with this man and his WIFE is inconsequntial. It's so bizarre.

 

But yes, you have done the right thing to leave this cheating man behind.

 

I kinda get this. I was in somewhat the same situation. In my case, I never met his wife and I also understood she was there first - I never felt any jealousy of her. But the other women he was making moves on used to drive me insane with jealousy. It's the reason I finally ended it. I guess it's the feeling that you are easily replaceable, and he's there throwing it in your face.

 

To the OP's questions, no I don't think you're being paranoid. If he's a narcissist, one of the things they love to do most is triangulate. It's all about attention from women for them, and they'll do whatever they can to maximize it. Is it unreasonable to want him to stop? No, everyone wants to feel they are special. But to ask him to stop - well, it's like asking a leopard to change his spots. He's a cheater, and cheaters gonna cheat...

[BaileyB]

I kinda get this. I was in somewhat the same situation. In my case, I never met his wife and I also understood she was there first - I never felt any jealousy of her. But the other women he was making moves on used to drive me insane with jealousy. It's the reason I finally ended it. I guess it's the feeling that you are easily replaceable, and he's there throwing it in your face.

 

To the OP's questions, no I don't think you're being paranoid. If he's a narcissist, one of the things they love to do most is triangulate. It's all about attention from women for them, and they'll do whatever they can to maximize it. Is it unreasonable to want him to stop? No, everyone wants to feel they are special. But to ask him to stop - well, it's like asking a leopard to change his spots. He's a cheater, and cheaters gonna cheat...

 

I can appreciate and understand that... But, is there and appreciation and an understanding that this is exactly how the wife would feel when an individual, as another woman, decides to sleep with Her husband? It's somewhat astounding that someone could feel this way, yet be completely oblivious that they have caused another woman to feel the same way... It's just a curious question.

 

And, I do love your post... It's like asking a leopard to change his spots. So true. And cheaters gonna cheat... At least, certainly appears to be true for this married man.

Edited August 8, 2017 by BaileyB

[Moonlight_coffee]

I can appreciate and understand that... But, is there and appreciation and an understanding that this is exactly how the wife would feel when an individual, as another woman, decides to sleep with Her husband? It's somewhat astounding that someone could feel this way, yet be completely oblivious that they have caused another woman to feel the same way... It's just a curious question.

 

And, I do love your post... It's like asking a leopard to change his spots. So true. And cheaters gonna cheat... At least, certainly appears to be true for this married man.

 

 

Well to be honest, as awful as it sounds. I knew that agreeing to be involved with a married man means his wife will always come first. I respected that. I was never jealous of his wife. I actually gave him tips on how to keep his marriage happy. I had no intention of hurting his wife or him. My thoughts...as long as she doesn't find out, she will be fine. She will never hear it from me and I know he wouldn't tell her. So I know his wife's feelings was safe so yes I was not bothered by her. We were always careful, I never pressured him into seeing me or spending time with me if that means his wife would be suspicious. We always met when she was not home, at his place or mine.

 

I've never been cheated on b4...I think. So when I saw him with this other girl and got confirmation that they're involved. The pain I felt was unimaginable, i couldnt comprehend it nor even why I was feeling like that. And it was at that point I realized that this is how his wife would feel. Sigh.

 

He's the one who slipped up both times and allowed his wife to find out about us. She took him back so I guess she's ok with it. I doubt she knows about this new one tho. Should I tell her?

[Southern Sun]

This is hard for you because it just spells out very clearly how toxic this situation was.

 

Naturally, you would want your "boyfriend" or significant other to respect your feelings. You wouldn't want them to have lunch regularly with another person of the opposite sex. In this case, your man was doing just that and it made you uncomfortable. You said something and he just kept doing it anyway.

 

Because of the unhealthy situation, he did not feel he had any obligation to you. In fact, he probably resented the feeling of being obligated, because he was already obligated...to his wife. You weren't supposed to go there and make him feel that way.

 

He can't control the other girl treating you poorly, but there's a reason for it and it made you suspicious. If this man was your boyfriend or SO, and he was a decent guy, he would have stepped away from her and not had such a close "friendship." He may not have been able to do anything about her treatment of you, but he would have done what he could to make you feel better about YOUR position with HIM. Instead, he made you feel guilty for asking and accused you of being controlling. And then YOU wondered if you were wrong for going there. THAT is just more evidence of how toxic this was...besides the obvious (it was an affair).

 

I am sure some APs would say they treat each other with respect. But usually, the situation just isn't conducive to it. Affairs make relationships hard and unnatural and cause insecurities. This is the evidence that the relationship was disposable to at least one of you and you should be grateful to be out.

[BaileyB]

Well to be honest, as awful as it sounds. I knew that agreeing to be involved with a married man means his wife will always come first. I respected that. I was never jealous of his wife. I actually gave him tips on how to keep his marriage happy. I had no intention of hurting his wife or him. My thoughts...as long as she doesn't find out, she will be fine. She will never hear it from me and I know he wouldn't tell her. So I know his wife's feelings was safe so yes I was not bothered by her. We were always careful, I never pressured him into seeing me or spending time with me if that means his wife would be suspicious. We always met when she was not home, at his place or mine.

 

I've never been cheated on b4...I think. So when I saw him with this other girl and got confirmation that they're involved. The pain I felt was unimaginable, i couldnt comprehend it nor even why I was feeling like that. And it was at that point I realized that this is how his wife would feel. Sigh.

 

He's the one who slipped up both times and allowed his wife to find out about us. She took him back so I guess she's ok with it. I doubt she knows about this new one tho. Should I tell her?

 

Interesting. I suppose when you knew better, you did better.

 

If you have learned and grown from this experience, then there is something to be gained. You are a strong woman, many on this site dither on and off with their married men... It's good that you have been able to walk away. I hope you find happiness in another relationship. Best wishes.

[Moonlight_coffee]

Moonlight_Coffee,

 

I hope you are hanging in there maintaining NC,feeling alright emotionally today, and that work has gone well for you today.

 

 

Skywriter, thank you suprisingly I had a very good day at work today

[Moonlight_coffee]

Moonlight_coffee,

 

I've been where you are , with the exception of working together. I'm sorry for what you are going through, but, I can tell you that it helps that you cut the A off.

I'd suggest getting tested for std's, because there could be others, and if this other girl was angry with you for no reason, chances are, she was sleeping with him.

.

 

Sigh now that you mention it, I really do think I need to get a check up done but I'm afraid of the answers I might get. He was the only one I have been with during the 2 years and he said he wasn't having sex with his wife so I assumed I was the only one for him as well. I was always on the pill. But heck, that doesn't protect you from STDs. I can't believe how stupid I've been. Unbelievable. Just unbelievable. I don't think I want to get tested.

 

Let it be known....I have learned my lesson! Definitely.

[Starswillshine]

Well to be honest, as awful as it sounds. I knew that agreeing to be involved with a married man means his wife will always come first. I respected that. I was never jealous of his wife. I actually gave him tips on how to keep his marriage happy. I had no intention of hurting his wife or him. My thoughts...as long as she doesn't find out, she will be fine. She will never hear it from me and I know he wouldn't tell her. So I know his wife's feelings was safe so yes I was not bothered by her. We were always careful, I never pressured him into seeing me or spending time with me if that means his wife would be suspicious. We always met when she was not home, at his place or mine.

 

I've never been cheated on b4...I think. So when I saw him with this other girl and got confirmation that they're involved. The pain I felt was unimaginable, i couldnt comprehend it nor even why I was feeling like that. And it was at that point I realized that this is how his wife would feel. Sigh.

 

He's the one who slipped up both times and allowed his wife to find out about us. She took him back so I guess she's ok with it. I doubt she knows about this new one tho. Should I tell her?

 

Just because she took him back, doesn't mean she is ok with. Forgiveness or the chance to reconcile does not mean approval. No doubt there were many promises that this would never happen again and he will change.

 

I am always of the camp to tell the wife (and I am a BS). But since she knows about you... And you are telling her about yet another person, it would be better to at the very least point her in the direction to find proof. But if he has been doing this awhile, he will know the lies to say. You may come out looking like the crazy ex-OW. So tread lightly.

[Moonlight_coffee]

i'm assuming that like most of us, you need a paycheck, no?

 

hold your head up, and get your work done.

 

and yes, he either told the new OW about you or someone else did. which means that people at work are talking about your sex life, with a married man, at your job, for the love of god.

 

i've been thru this. it's still going on. off and on for 10 years!! and yes, my crush has never been married but the woman he took up with, right in front of me, day after day, was married.

 

they broke up and he came back.

 

i can't take him back. it's over. it's over and it will stay over because i made up my mind. and i kept my job and i kept the secret.

 

he runs his mouth but i pretend to be deaf, and since i hold my head up, he's beneath me.

 

and he's gonna stay there.

 

let go. move on. in that order.

 

consider a mantra. a phrase you say out loud over and over and over, 100 times a day.

 

i used "it's over, the end" and "i deserve better".

 

good luck

 

 

Very well put. Thank you. I pray you too will be steadfast and strong in ending things on your end. All the best!

[wmacbride]

Well to be honest, as awful as it sounds. I knew that agreeing to be involved with a married man means his wife will always come first. I respected that. I was never jealous of his wife. I actually gave him tips on how to keep his marriage happy. I had no intention of hurting his wife or him. My thoughts...as long as she doesn't find out, she will be fine. She will never hear it from me and I know he wouldn't tell her. So I know his wife's feelings was safe so yes I was not bothered by her. We were always careful, I never pressured him into seeing me or spending time with me if that means his wife would be suspicious. We always met when she was not home, at his place or mine.

 

I've never been cheated on b4...I think. So when I saw him with this other girl and got confirmation that they're involved. The pain I felt was unimaginable, i couldnt comprehend it nor even why I was feeling like that. And it was at that point I realized that this is how his wife would feel. Sigh.

 

He's the one who slipped up both times and allowed his wife to find out about us. She took him back so I guess she's ok with it. I doubt she knows about this new one tho. Should I tell her?

 

Please don't do this. I know you think you are helping his wife ( and maybe making up for some of her heartache), but really, all you are doing is driving the knife even deeper in her back.

 

Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if you know this guy was talking over the problems in his relationship with you with his new interest ( which sounds like exactly what he has been doing).

 

It's like the fox and the weasel discussing the problems the hens are having.

[Moonlight_coffee]

This is hard for you because it just spells out very clearly how toxic this situation was.

 

Naturally, you would want your "boyfriend" or significant other to respect your feelings. You wouldn't want them to have lunch regularly with another person of the opposite sex. In this case, your man was doing just that and it made you uncomfortable. You said something and he just kept doing it anyway.

 

Because of the unhealthy situation, he did not feel he had any obligation to you. In fact, he probably resented the feeling of being obligated, because he was already obligated...to his wife. You weren't supposed to go there and make him feel that way.

 

He can't control the other girl treating you poorly, but there's a reason for it and it made you suspicious. If this man was your boyfriend or SO, and he was a decent guy, he would have stepped away from her and not had such a close "friendship." He may not have been able to do anything about her treatment of you, but he would have done what he could to make you feel better about YOUR position with HIM. Instead, he made you feel guilty for asking and accused you of being controlling. And then YOU wondered if you were wrong for going there. THAT is just more evidence of how toxic this was...besides the obvious (it was an affair).

 

I am sure some APs would say they treat each other with respect. But usually, the situation just isn't conducive to it. Affairs make relationships hard and unnatural and cause insecurities. This is the evidence that the relationship was disposable to at least one of you and you should be grateful to be out.

 

 

Spot on!! Thank you. That's exactly what he said to be, his wife is not being like that with him so he can't see why I am. Funny thing is, if this was a normal relationship I would have left from the first slip up. Affairs are indeed toxic. Very high, cloud nine highs and the lows hurt way bad, worse than they would...in a normal affair. I am glad I got out. I feel sorry for the young girl now involved, she has no idea what she's getting herself into. Couple months from now she will be feeling how I felt. It has already started to show. They both look sad and miserable!! LOL

 

Not a laughing matter I know x_x

[Moonlight_coffee]

Just because she took him back, doesn't mean she is ok with. Forgiveness or the chance to reconcile does not mean approval. No doubt there were many promises that this would never happen again and he will change.

 

I am always of the camp to tell the wife (and I am a BS). But since she knows about you... And you are telling her about yet another person, it would be better to at the very least point her in the direction to find proof. But if he has been doing this awhile, he will know the lies to say. You may come out looking like the crazy ex-OW. So tread lightly.

 

I know and men do crazy things to protect their family. Seeing that he was able to get with another girl just like that showed that I really do not know him. I don't want him to hurt me. Maybe if I get a new job I can try that.

 

He was always a gentleman when we were together. I used to think he was absolutely perfect. And I blamed his wife for getting a good man and not treating him well(by denying him sex). But now I know even that might have been a lie. And therefore I really do not know this man. I do not want to risk it as yet.

[Moonlight_coffee]

Spot on!! Thank you. That's exactly what he said to be, his wife is not being like that with him so he can't see why I am. Funny thing is, if this was a normal relationship I would have left from the first slip up. Affairs are indeed toxic. Very high, cloud nine highs and the lows hurt way bad, worse than they would...in a normal affair. I am glad I got out. I feel sorry for the young girl now involved, she has no idea what she's getting herself into. Couple months from now she will be feeling how I felt. It has already started to show. They both look sad and miserable!! LOL

 

Not a laughing matter I know x_x

 

Worse than they would in a normal relationship****

[Moonlight_coffee]

You know it really helps talking about this. I feel a whole lot better now and I hope I remain this way. Thank you all again for your inputs and comments. This is a really helpful forum

[Moonlight_coffee]

So **** just hit the fan!!

[Moonlight_coffee]

Seriously struggling with wanting to tell his wife. should I? Sigh

 

To add, we completely over. It's not a case where I'm telling with hopes to be with him. I'm telling or rather I want to tell so that the wife may not be continously fooled and lied to as as I have. Because yes he has started another affair

Edited August 14, 2017 by Moonlight_coffee

[somanymistakes]

Did you have unprotected sex at any point?

 

It makes a difference. If he's taking risks with you, he's probably taking risks with others, and she needs to be warned.

 

Otherwise, it gets complicated, because the motivation for telling tends to be either to try and punish him or to try and break up the marriage... neither of which may actually work out as you expect.

[d0nnivain]

Do whatever you want. Don't say you're telling her because she "deserves to know." She deserves a husband who honored his vows. She may not believe you. You are also only doing this because your OM has now taken up with somebody else & you want to punish him for leaving you.

 

Again, tell the wife or don't. Do whatever you think will make you feel better just don't think she's gonna believe you.

[burnt]

If this MM had left his marriage for you and started building a life you and after a few years of being with you, if he started an affair with someone else, would YOU want that OW to tell you? Would you want to know and keep living in blissful ignorance and yet, being a woman, continue to sense something is off and have no confirmation on your fears?

 

My suggestion is, yes do tell. If you have proof that would be the best to provide the wife.

 

Yes, she may not believe you--that's a possibility, but all you can do is provide her with the truth; what she chooses to do with it is up to her.

 

Most women would want to know if her husband has been cheating on her. Most women would be thankful, despite the pain, to be told, instead of being kept in the dark by the deceitful husband.

[SammySammy]

How do you know she doesn't already know? I mean ... he's cheated on her with several different women. Do you really think she's that naive?

 

How would it benefit you?

 

You weren't concerned about protecting her when he was with you. If this is merely vindictive, I don't think it's worth meddling in their marriage.

[BaileyB]

Indeed. I find it hard to believe that she doesn't suspect... given the fact that he has been involved with at least two other women.

 

It's anybody's guess what may happen, she may already know, she may not believe you, he may throw you under the bus, he could be really angry and want to make your life difficult in return. You can't predict what will happen when the truth comes out.

 

If you feel strongly about it, tell her. Otherwise, you can just keep your dignity and walk away... Knowing that you are not involved in is little drama anymore. The truth will come out eventually.

Edited August 14, 2017 by BaileyB

[central]

If you didn't have the integrity to tell her while you were the OW, then your motives are suspect now. In her shoes, I'd probably want to know, though, that he's cheating again/still. If he'd stopped completely after splitting with you, then I probably wouldn't want to know - but she may want to.