Any thoughts?

[Marc878]

Every betrayed spouse that comes here wants badly to believe it's an EA. If they have contact it's almost always a PA too.

 

I think you're in denial like most.

 

Sorry

[Marc878]

If the OM is married inform his wife. No matter what.

 

Do it without warning and let them deal with the consequences

[hammyy2k]

even if she does suicide, its her own mess which she made and now living one after getting slapped by reality of living a poorer life in her old age because of her own wrong doings

 

i would say, serve her papers ASAP without tolerating any more crap

[Trtroles]

She is lying to you. Affair never stopped,sorry .

 

No respect for you at all,or your sons,family.

 

Her friends who supported her are not your friends.Forget about them.

 

Suicide talk is...only talk. She wants you to feel guilty and stay with her.In another words she wants you to forget about her affair and just "move on" while she continue affair.

 

Talk with your lawyer.

[hammyy2k]

This is very typical. She has been busy being a wife and mother her entire adult life. Now she has an empty nest. Life is short and she wants some excitement.

 

 

 

You’re a good stable guy. So stable that she can take you for granted. She wants you for stability and her reputation (especially with your kids). She also wants some excitement.

 

 

 

This is very bad. What do single women do for entertainment at a bar? Does your wife just watch them flirt and get picked up? Plus, with their history they would have no objection to a married woman doing the same.

 

 

 

For some people the sex act isn’t a big deal. That’s why they don’t feel very guilty. What counts is the relationship. That’s why you will heal over and over “They meant nothing” and “I was never going to leave you.” It’s what they would want to hear if things were reversed.

 

 

 

Of course she does. She wants to grow old with you. Other men don’t want a relationship with her, they want sex. She wants the security you provide and to protect her reputation.

 

 

 

She may be serious or not. I think it’s symbolic. If you divorce then her life as she knew it is over

 

to be honest one would be very dumb to make a whole life, grow your children and after making a one big family and when its time to finally receive rewards for all your hard work, you would destroy all that by this pathetic dishonorable thrill seeking activity.

 

as we say it takes life time to build reputation and only few moments to destroy it

 

she is threatening suicide because she knows its all over, all her hard work destroyed, but its the choice she made for her life and will have to grow old living the consequences and she knows full well how stupid she was to destroy all that

 

i think husband has made a very right choice here but i do emphatise with her considering she invested so much in her life to just vanish in an instant

 

some people do not realize the consequences of their actions and only wake up when they face one.

[elaine567]

One of the very few successful suicides reported on this board, was a WW, whose whole life crumbled after Dday, so do not just assume she is not seriously considering ending her life.

[merrmeade]

Another thing to consider is that all of these things create cause-and-effect. I think they indicate there's more information than you're getting. That is, her inner conflict is so unbearable because of the enormity of her lie: The fact that the affair was/is physical.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Air2jjs, I guess you've been given the whole spectrum of possible scenarios and courses of action and so you have a lot to mull over. I am sorry to see you in this situation after such a long marriage. I wonder if you have thought about your relationship over it's entire course and assessed it for it's quality or otherwise? What I mean is has been a good marriage overall except for the present chasm created by your wife? I would think any decisions that you take would flow from that assessment rather than a snap decision taken in the heat of the moment.

 

The other suggestion I have is that you should insist that your wife immediately book herself for IC as a present condition for you to even consider reconciliation. With her present state of mind I think that is something that is urgently needed for her to retain any semblance of normality and sane behaviour. Thirty years is too long a period of time for one to throw into the dustbin of history. Just think about it. Warm wishes.

[misunderstood48]

Thirty years is along time and you cant be sure of anything slow down get some help for yourself and her. Then see how things are .I have seen healing in much worse cases

goodluck I will be praying for you

[Bufo]

She cheated on you

 

She lied to you

 

And now she's blackmailing you with suicide threats.

 

What's in this marriage for you as things now stand?

 

See remorse (and not just regret that she was caught?)?

 

Do you agree that one spouse alone cannot reconcile a marriage?

[yepsurething]

a though on the suicide threats,

 

I believe that sometimes whether a person is truly guilty or not they are really that upset for what they've done and feel like killing themselves to get past it or at least let you know they are desperate enough to even say it.

 

I dont' think its used so much to manipulate as to say they are so upset they simply can't take it anymore,

 

but considering she didn't have a physical affair as far as you can tell and she's this upset have you considered giving her another chance now that she sees how serious you were about your requests about friends and work schedule?

 

my husband didn't take my feeling seriously when confronted about similar situation, but after a few dozen fights and lots of talking he 'got' what I was talking about and understood my feelings and made friend changes and is actively trying to get another job. Don't misunderstand, a year later I'm still working on getting past it all, but I really don't want my marriage to end especially when I see my husband working so hard on our family. Been with my husband 20 yrs.

 

good luck to you. You have been with your wife a long time, I hope you can make it work out.

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

If the OM is married inform his wife. No matter what.

 

Do it without warning and let them deal with the consequences

 

 

This is not sound advice......go ahead and wreck two families????? Reckless.

 

One is never a fool to be a part of the redemption of a spouse.

[hammyy2k]

This is not sound advice......go ahead and wreck two families????? Reckless.

 

One is never a fool to be a part of the redemption of a spouse.

 

sorry i dont agree

 

its the cheaters who wrecked the families not the victims

[knabe]

If she is truly suicidal, she needs help.

 

But it is NOT your responsibility, the BS, to stand by her in some dramatic Lifetime movie move. This is not a movie.

 

She needs help from a professional. There is no "love test" here. She is suicidal because she screwed up and the fallout is hard. Call 911 and let her family help her. YOU take care of you and your children.

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

sorry i dont agree

 

its the cheaters who wrecked the families not the victims

 

 

I agree there is wreckage by the cheater, but it is not the right of the BS to wreck another family. This is nothing but vengeance. There is nothing to be gained by doing that but for the betrayed to feel good.

[Doorstopper]

I will make this brief.

Last year my wife and I were having a “low” in our marriage. I said some hurtful things about her not trying hard enough in her career. I did apologize later but not initially. I tried to get our marriage out of the “low” by spending more time, trips to Europe, flowers and jewelry. It was too late as her heart was hardened. She has a co-worker that was feeding her positive words and an emotional affair ensued. Some of the evidence I found leads me to believe it was headed to a physical affair. My belief is that it didn’t go farther because I found out. We have been married for almost 30 years and have 4 kids (youngest 18). No other marriages for either of us, high school sweethearts. I take care of myself physically, can fix anything, have always been a very involved Dad, volunteered for many causes and generally believe to be a good provider. You can imagine my extreme pain in finding out what she was doing.

Reconciliation was an option for me but she has been the typical wayward spouse. “It’s not as bad as you think it was” “Yes, I lied, but I didn’t want to hurt your feelings” “Yes, I fantasized about sex with him, but I would have never done it” “I don’t feelings for him” etc. Additionally, she keeps doing things that I perceive as deal breakers. A couple of examples:

There are two other women she works with that are single and have carried on affairs with married men. I told my wife I was not comfortable with her going out after work with these ladies. She did it anyway.

She omitted telling me when the OM was working the same shift as her (sometimes they overlap) “Oh, I forgot”

She committed to re-arranging her work schedule and did not tell me. She knew I would be unhappy and would have said no. So, she did it anyway and waited until she got home to tell me.

I think that was the last straw.

Here is my request for advice:

She is a hysterical mess and wants to save the marriage.

I want a divorce but she threatens suicide if I do. She gets out of control and hits herself and me. I am concerned that she may do it intentionally or inadvertently.

Any help or advice?????

 

I've never really posted "the rest of my story" after my wife's long distance EA but since it may help someone, I think its time. This is long and detailed and certainly "worse" than your situation but still, I believe, appropriate:

 

Affairwise, she never contacted her AP beyond a short text conversation and a voicemail, a couple of days after D-Day.

 

My oldest daughters and I had talked over the last year that my wife seemed depressed, but we really didn't do anything about the situation or try to get help.

 

A couple of weeks after D-Day my wife told me that she took a shower in the hottest water she could, to try to burn herself. Fortunately we do not have the water set really hot and she did not know she could increase it in the basement. About a week after that she had an appointment for a ultrasound. I was going to meet her, but she left without me. I drove there quickly, but she was coming out when I got there. She said the test got rescheduled to the hospital for the following week, and I agreed to take her.

 

Something seemed fishy about what transpired that day and she said something else, which I can't recall now, that had me worried. I hacked her password for her online patient account and found that there were no appointments. I also found that there were a series of other appointments she supposedly had that weren't listed in the records. Because she had an "fake" appointment for a few days from then, that I was definitely taking her to, I was worried that something drastic was going to happen before then. I immediately confronted her and in the argument we had, she banged her head into the wall. One way or another she had to go to the ER. I couldn't get myself to call 911 (its hard and for a time she still blamed me what happened), my daughter however threatened to call, if she didn't let us take her to the hospital. Once there, the social worker talked to both of us separately and the whole affair medical issues and appointments got discussed. The SW said she asked my wife what her plan was and she responded that she was going to go home, get up and go to work tomorrow, and basically ignore/forget everything that happened. That sealed her fate. She was sent to a psych hospital for 4 days.

 

In all honesty unless your ready to take your life at that exact moment these facilities are really not that helpful. Mental heath treatment in the US and probably the rest of the world, sucks and most of the people committed are for drug addition. How does a 40 something woman relate to 20 something drug addicts? What is helpful: They set you up with a plan which included counseling, and medication. Almost 2 years later, things are much better, though she still has some personal issues to work on from events going back to her childhood and family.

 

So here is what I see in your post: Your marriage was/is in a low state because your wife is in a low state due to depression. That explains the lack of career focus, and while not causing her affair, its part of the issue. The don't care attitude is likely part of the depression. It may not be your wife willfully disobeying what you have requested.

 

If you can get your wife the right counseling and "plan" without having to go the 911 and hospitalization route, its a little easier, but don't let it drag on. If you can't get her to a counselor and/or a psychiatrist for medication/treatment, 911 is the way to go.

 

Good Luck!

Edited August 7, 2017 by Doorstopper

[Just a Guy]

Hi Air2jjs, it's been a while since you posted anything. What updates, if any, are there? You surely could not let things just sort themselves out considering the dangerous state, mentally, that your wife was/is in. Has she been to a counsellor or a psychiatrist? Has she confessed to anything more? Can you not get the concerned coworker implicated if your wife is behaving irrationally? If she were to hurt herself then the coworker could be implicated as having been responsible in part for her actions. Whatever be the situation an update would help. Warm wishes.

[Air2jjs]

She has discovered this. I will not post anymore. I am thankful for all contributions... good and bad.

Take care.

[Sparta]

Keep being a weak man and no matter who your with you will get trampled on by any women.! The common denominator that perceived 80% which is a very modest number by the way of all the BH's (betrayed husbands) is the nice Guy Syndrome.! Women despise weakness more than anything. I'm thoroughly convinced that this has a bigger impact Marriages today. because of this dynamic the husbands introducing this very problematic trait show the lack of strength can not lead the relationship. The Man is supposed to lead the relationship where as the women are supposed to manage the relationship.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Air2, I do hope your situation has been resolved amicably. It has been sometime since your last post so if you can update us it would be good. Warm wishes.

[Chaparral]

When you consider that depression and relationship problems are leading causes of suicide, it is unreasonable and irresonsible to give advice suggesting a person not take a suicide threat very seriously.

 

In this case, if you google reasons people commit suicide, you will find OP's wife fits in several categories.

 

Suicide is common in infidelity cases by betrayed spouses and wayward spouses. Infidelity causes depression, depression is the leading cause of suicide. On the flip side, many cheaters are depressed before they cheat.

ALWAYS DIAL 911 WHEN SOMEONE THREATENS SUICIDE

[merrmeade]

She has discovered this. I will not post anymore. I am thankful for all contributions... good and bad.

Take care.

Hoping for the best outcome possible for you abd your family.