Gf slept with someone else now wants to get back together

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree that since they were officially no longer a couple she did nothing wrong....however

 

He cannot help FEELING the way he does. The issue may indeed be his ...but he cannot help that he feels it was wrong.

 

and since he feels this way...in reality...it is probably best if they end the relationship and move on without each other.

 

Yes...he needs therapy...yes he needs to learn to deal with this demon in his mind...and should she be expected to wait for him to someday learn to forgive her?

 

Well...I guess that depends how much she truly loves him.

[Popsicle]

Hey y'all,

My gf (24) and I (29) dated for 4 years. We had our ups and downs but nothing out of the ordinary of a normal relationship. She wanted to start settling down and get our own place together. At the time I was not ready, I'm the type that likes to have all his ducks in a row, everything comes in time. I never really talked about marriage or kids down the road like she did all the time, more less brushed it off, and she said it pushed her away. I always knew I loved her just didn't like talking about it for whatever reason.

Anyway, she started a night shift waitressing job and I work early mornings. We were barely seeing each other for about a month. We broke up and took about 5 months off. Well I just recently found out that she slept with this guy 3-4 times. I cannot get that out of my head. Someone else touching and making love to someone you thought was your forever. I'm not the type to go out to do the same, I could barely look at another girl during that 5 months. We met up for lunch twice in that period but I was mostly NC during this time. She recently look a trip to Cali to visit her best friend and I get a call how much she misses us, our friends, she was an idiot about things, swears to everything up and down I'm her forever if I take her back. Well, I did, and now I'm finding myself having a hard time trying to forget about this guy. I get all these disgusting images in my head that is on repeat. She said he's meant absolutely nothing to her and she said the point where she thought we were, we weren't going to back together, more less using him to try to move on. She said it wasn't even an option for her or a second thought when I said absolutely NC with this guy. I've talked to her about this and she's been very open and wants to do whatever to make things work again. I'm really trying to leave the past in the past because I do want things to workout, I love her more than anything. Is that wrong of me to think that way? Even tho she was free to do as she pleased when we were not together.

 

You sound like a big baby. A clueless one too.

[understand50]

You sound like a big baby. A clueless one too.

 

A bit harsh, but with the ring of truth.

 

Panthers555, what your ex G/F at the time did was normal, and to be expected. You need to deal with this, or move on. Remember, when you break up, separate, ETC. The other is not in a relationship and there are no vows to keep. You both gave up on each other. After time you see that maybe you were wrong, but did you expect her to stay true to you? Was she not to see anyone else for the rest of her life. No sex or relationships for a year? What?

 

Was she a virgin when you met? Point is, you need to go and get therapy to find out why this is bothering you, or as I will confesses, it would bother me, how to deal and get over it. Acknowledging that, she gave up this guy to go back to you, may be the first step. She, from what you wrote, is working to help you. My opinion, is you should work on yourself and go forward with her, as you now have a better understanding of just what she means, and is, to you.

 

I wish you luck.....

[Springsummer]

I know I am playing devil's advocate. but it's my true feeling. the thing is:

 

" I could barely look at another girl during that 5 months"

 

while the girl slept with another guy 3-4 times?

 

they are not emotionally on the same level about this relationship?

 

had the girl ever thought about back together again during those months? if yes, then how could she have ever done that?

 

Had she lost all hopes and determined they will never be together again, then I can understand why she did what she did. If not, that's kind of loose, isn't it? Had she ever thought about how that will affect OP if they ever get back together again?

[knabe]

I agree that since they were officially no longer a couple she did nothing wrong....however

 

He cannot help FEELING the way he does. The issue may indeed be his ...but he cannot help that he feels it was wrong.

 

and since he feels this way...in reality...it is probably best if they end the relationship and move on without each other.

 

Yes...he needs therapy...yes he needs to learn to deal with this demon in his mind...and should she be expected to wait for him to someday learn to forgive her?

 

Well...I guess that depends how much she truly loves him.

 

I disagree that this is a test of her alive. She did not cheat on him. I don't care how much I loved someone, if they had accused me of cheating and punished me accordingly when I did not cheat, I wouldn't stick around. Not because I don't value them but because I value myself.

[knabe]

I know I am playing devil's advocate. but it's my true feeling. the thing is:

 

" I could barely look at another girl during that 5 months"

 

while the girl slept with another guy 3-4 times?

 

they are not emotionally on the same level about this relationship?

 

had the girl ever thought about back together again during those months? if yes, then how could she have ever done that?

 

Had she lost all hopes and determined they will never be together again, then I can understand why she did what she did. If not, that's kind of loose, isn't it? Had she ever thought about how that will affect OP if they ever get back together again?

 

And since none of us were inside her mind, accusatory supposition is irrelevant

[Mysterio]

Sound like sexual jelousy. Its hard. I would let it go and start fresh.

 

Its better for your mental health.

[Paljoey]

I can relate, me and my ex were together for 3.5 years and she always used to try to initiate topics of kids, future, connection. I brushed it off as well being a man of few words. I was working 60 miles away with traffic for about 6 months cutting out a lot of our together time and going to school and during that time she decided she was gonna cheat idk when or for how long. I caught her. Consider yourself lucky. U guys broke up then she got with this guy. You guys can still talk. If you get back together it's not all tainted like me and my ex. This guy was her rebound. Hit the gym. Don't over think it and don't live your life based on you guys being together. As my man Robert De Niro said, " don't get attached to something you can't leave in 30 seconds when you feel the heat around the corner"

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, to me all of this sounds like "A lot of sound and fury signifying nothing". The facts are are that a) The OP was not ready to commit to his GF even after having been with her for four years. When I say 'Commit' I mean taking things further with her by seriously discussing the future along the lines that she was indicating ie: Marriage, children and a family life! He did nothing of the sort and kept brushing her off. In these circumstances what was his GF to expect? b) They agreed mutually to break up and go their separate ways. Naturally, for the GF it apparently seemed that she had wasted four years of her life chasing a man who was not really interested in making a life with her. She therefore, quite naturally planned on moving on. After five months when she realized that her feelings for OP were stronger than she had anticipated, she called him and asked to resume their relationship to which he agreed. c) The OP is 29 years old and after dating a woman for four years is still not sure of what he wants then there is something the matter with him. More than him I think it is his GF who has the real problem here because she is chasing a person who is still only a boy man ( pardon my using this term for want of a better one). She would be well served finding someone who is self assured, confident and who knows what he wants by the time he is 29. Sorry but that's the way I think about this whole affair. Warm wishes.

[5x5]

If you ask 100 women and 100 men if they would marry a virgin I bet a lot more men would say yes than women would.

 

I've had sex with plenty of women including a few virgins, I can't say I ever clamoured for virgins though. In fact I turned down one attractive 19 year old woman at a party who asked me to take her virginity, because I was interested in someone else that evening.

 

Likewise I've been married twice and in both instances they weren't virgins either. Personally I wouldn't ever marry a virgin. Lest I risk getting saddled with someone who turns out not to be a kinky high drive, sexual dynamo.

 

Fortunately for me my wife is a kinky high drive, sexual dynamo.

 

I think it would be a fools errand not to mutually test drive romantic partners sexually with great frequency, in a smorgasbord of different ways.

 

Incidentally when it comes to the before mentioned mind movies, my ex-wife cheated on me once and as a consequence I quickly ended that relationship. All while never experiencing any mind movies about it at all.

 

As to the OP your former ex did nothing wrong, once your relationship was over she was right to have sex with someone else. If you can't handle that because you are insecure, you ought to let her go, rather than make her life suck as a consequence of your own limitations.

[DKT3]

I know I am playing devil's advocate. but it's my true feeling. the thing is:

 

" I could barely look at another girl during that 5 months"

 

while the girl slept with another guy 3-4 times?

 

they are not emotionally on the same level about this relationship?

 

had the girl ever thought about back together again during those months? if yes, then how could she have ever done that?

 

Had she lost all hopes and determined they will never be together again, then I can understand why she did what she did. If not, that's kind of loose, isn't it? Had she ever thought about how that will affect OP if they ever get back together again?

 

I think this is the problem. Even if it wasn't communicated, it seems that he believes they were on a path to togetherness, while he finds by her actions that she was not.

 

With that said, the female mind is a complicated place, she may very well have been on the same path.

 

OP, I get you feel what you feel. The question is what can she do to make it better or go away? She actually did nothing wrong so it's a YOU issue. You don't have a right to nag and/or interrogate her about it. If she was your girl then you would have not broken up.

[umirano]

Even if it wasn't communicated, it seems that he believes they were on a path to togetherness, while he finds by her actions that she was not.

 

With that said, the female mind is a complicated place, she may very well have been on the same path.

I agree with this view and the original post by springsummer. To him her jumping into bed immediately after the separation does not signal "How can we make this work, I really want to get back together for good." It signals "oh, here's some low-investment validation/gratification, let's go for it!". It reduces, certainly in his view, her commitment and seriousness about their hibernating relationship. I don't think this a totally absurd view.

 

No she didn't cheat. But inundating the OP in claims of how right she was to sleep with someone else isn't going to do anything for them.

 

OP, I get you feel what you feel. The question is what can she do to make it better or go away?

If you cannot answer this question or if the answer is "she can't" - and this may well be a valid answer - you have to let her go. It's a battle she can't win.

 

She actually did nothing wrong so it's a YOU issue.

No it wasn't illegal or unethical, but it was at the very least unhelpful, given she later wanted to get back with the OP and it was probably telling of her true commitment to this relationship.

 

Whether or not you let her go is something only OP can decide. I think it's a case by case problem and really something only his gut can tell him. If you think she's great and you believe her she's serious about rebuilding the RS, and if you are too, I'd try hard to see past this. If this is one of many signs she's flip-flopping or if you feel you will get revenge eventually, move on and start fresh.

[salparadise]

I don't actually think they do, if the roles were reversed and he slept with another woman whilst she remained "true" to the relationship, then she would also be upset over the thought of "her man" with his hands over some other woman too.

 

I disagree. In my experience women do not seem as affected by 3rd party sex (interesting terminology) as guys are. Often telling her the woman was terrible in bed is enough. For women I've seen it be more of an ego thing than a violation as a lot of guys feel.

 

It is not gender equivalent –– men and women feel differently because the implication for men and women is fundamentally different. The differences have become hard-wired due to evolutionary consequences.

 

If a woman wanders off and sleeps with another man, then comes back and resumes the relationship... then turns up pregnant, there's a high probability that the progeny will be proliferating another man's genes, at the current man's expense in terms of both resources and reproductive opportunity. On the other hand, if a man goes off and has sex with another woman, returns to the relationship and she turns up pregnant... a woman never has to worry about the child she's carrying not being her's biologically.

 

For the woman, the risk rests in the possibility that the man might abandon her for the another woman (jealousy), or that he might decide to divide his resources between the two, thereby reducing the odds of success for her children.

 

For the woman it's jealousy and economic risk, but the a man it's existential. This is why high value is placed on female virtue, while a man has no virtue. There is nothing worse in terms of evolutionary consequences than for a man to spend his whole life and all of his resources on a child who is not carrying his genes into the next generation.

[5x5]

It is not gender equivalent –– men and women feel differently because the implication for men and women is fundamentally different. The differences have become hard-wired due to evolutionary consequences.

 

They have not become hard-wired due to evolutionary consequences.

 

Victorian era, Western norms are not hard-wired in us and are not a byproduct of evolution. A quick examination of Mosuo societal practices amongst others, ought to make that clear to you.

[road]

Problem is the OP set her free.

 

Once free she is available to bang as many men

as many times as she wants or can.

 

Upon resuming this relationship the first thing a man

should do is to find out what happened during their

separation because for some men will not be able to

get pass that she had sex with others so there is no

point to try to restart their relationship.

 

Every thing in life has consequences. The OP knew

though chose to ignore that if they separated that

his GF would be getting action. But he chose to say

his good byes.

 

So OP it's either shut up and stay or tell her good bye

for there is nothing that she can do to get unf'ed

while you two were separated. Nothing she can do to

make up for getting f'ed.

[Panthers555]

My gf and i have since reconciled from our 4 month break/shakeup and are works things out but just found out she had sex with this guy 4 times while we weren't together. Yes I totally get she was free to do as she pleased while we weren't together but I can tell you after a 3.5 yr relationship I could barely look at another girl during this time. It just makes it hard bc even tho we weren't together we actually have a puppy together so we would very occasionally meet up for lunch just to more less say hi how are things going? I think if I went NC in the beginning w her I wouldn't feel like she did it behind my back and so where like I said we met for lunch a couple times. She said she never stopped loving me and I'm her forever. But like who needs to **** someone 4 times to realize you love someone else?? I've never been a one night stand guy. Am I being judgemental over her decisions? And the thing is I know casual sex is like a thing now and it's much more common than I think it is or so I've heard. Please be brutally honest I'm just trying to get my head around the fact. Thanks!

[d0nnivain]

I've been told some men have a hard time getting past things like this -- it's kind of a territorial thing.

 

 

She probably wanted comfort & could only find it in the physical since your break up caused emotional pain.

 

 

If you can't get passed it, you will not be able to reconcile. It will always make you crazy & that will poison the relationship.

[somanymistakes]

Does it bother you that she had sex, or that she had sex that wasn't deeply meaningful to her?

[Panthers555]

Does it bother you that she had sex, or that she had sex that wasn't deeply meaningful to her?

I guess the fact that A. She had sex a month after w 3.5 yr relationship and

B. That it happened 4 times for her to realize this guy wasn't for her and to finally call me saying everything I was dying for her to say when she broke up w me.

[Mrin]

I think you need to get over this. Everyone deals with a breakup differently. Question - who dumped who?

[Panthers555]

I think you need to get over this. Everyone deals with a breakup differently. Question - who dumped who?

She broke up w me. We were not in a good spot at the time. She wanted to get our own place, she always talked about marriage kids, etc and it's not like I would brush it off but in her eyes she said she was worried about my long term commitment. She knew I always loved her but said she was doubting herself not that she didn't love me but the relationship

Edited August 17, 2017 by Panthers555

[Bastile]

The saying is "trust your gut". And if your gut is telling you that you've been disrespected in some way, it's almost always correct.

 

Just going by what you've said, she broke up with you, kept you as a friend, saw some other guy/s, then came back round to you.

 

Which is fair enough. But meanwhile, you are pining for her, and completely loved up.

 

You are operating on different frequencies. Her talk of "never stop loving you forever", just seems like rubbish to me. Whilst I get the impression that there is sincere feeling in your own such sentiments.

 

That's where your cognitive dissonance is coming from. And I can't say that you are wrong.

 

What's a lad to do? Well, you can bottle this up and move forward - ignoring it the best you can. I think most guys do that. It's a thoroughly masculine thing to do

 

You can rage-quit, based on this behaviour not feeling like the ideal paradigm of romance. It doesn't fit rigid monogamy, therefore find another that does.

 

You can take a slightly more realistic view of your relationship/s. It being that the girl is ultimately concerned with what you can do for her. She'll likely break up with you again, if you don't meet her relationship escalation requirements. Prepare for that, and start suiting yourself better also.

 

etc etc etc

[stixx]

I've been told some men have a hard time getting past things like this -- it's kind of a territorial thing.

 

 

She probably wanted comfort & could only find it in the physical since your break up caused emotional pain.

 

 

If you can't get passed it, you will not be able to reconcile. It will always make you crazy & that will poison the relationship.

 

Many men dont have a hard time to anything other than whats between their legs(same with a loose woman who cant keep the legs closed). It took me over a year before I gave my ex a simple kiss.

 

If anyone is only with someone for sex right out of the gate than it will never work. I'll bring a girl on a date, but that drop off at the door odd conversation thing for a kiss is for movies. Not real life. Not me.

 

I never slept, or even kissed, a woman i didnt know. I dated a bit in life, yes, but I never touched most of them. Just a date. Thats all.

 

I only sleep with women I care about and have built something....But I am human and we all made a mistake or two...But you get out fast when you see a flag or two.

 

Just me.

[preraph]

So you thought she was going to sit around and be celibate after she broke up with you?

 

I really don't see this relationship working out even if you get past this. I think this will be the final nail in the coffin, maybe for both of you but for different reasons.

[somanymistakes]

I guess the fact that A. She had sex a month after w 3.5 yr relationship and

 

Well, if she dumped you it's pretty logical she would be the one to 'move on' faster and be more willing to experiment with someone else. Rather than feel shocked she had sex only a month later, I'd say you might be relieved she wasn't out there shacking up with guys the next night (I've heard stories from some people, I don't know HOW they manage to land that much sex that quickly, but they do it!)

 

B. That it happened 4 times for her to realize this guy wasn't for her and to finally call me saying everything I was dying for her to say when she broke up w me.

 

I doubt it was the sex specifically that made her realise that she wanted you back.

 

It's highly unlikely that having sex with someone else would make her go "This just doesn't feel the same... OMG I want Panthers555 forever!" Honestly, while she was in bed with someone else was probably not when she was thinking about you the most. Far more likely that being without you on a regular basis made her miss you and decide that she wanted to be with you.

 

If she was dating other guys while she was away from you, but didn't have sex with them, would you feel differently?

 

Did you want her to have sex only once and then realise that no one else would ever be as awesome in bed as you?

 

(I'm not trying to pick on you I'm trying to figure out your emotional directions.)