BaileyB Posted August 15, 2017 Posted August 15, 2017 Hi BaileyB, Thanks for asking how I am. I'm OK. I do feel silly for believing him and feeling a sense of 'something might be happening' and a sense of calm. I worry he said it so I'd allow him back to mine etc. Although he was already at mine when he said. I told him I was questioning the veracity of what he said. It didn't go down well. He always says I question his feelings and when I do it belittles his feelings. He says it was a massive thing to say and admit to himself and he's p*ssed with me for questioning him. He says it's an issue I've created in my head, based on what I've told myself (or in reality, unknown to him, what I've been told here). It's not his issue. He then said he has issues with me i.e. me not putting in enough effort, never even leaving my area to see him (not true) and never asking how he is / how he feels. He said he's just trying to put one foot in front of the other and get through the days (that's exactly, verbatim, what I said to him a few weeks ago - seems odd he'd repeat exact same line to me). How do you feel about his response? When he turns things around and attempts to tell you that you are making issues that don't exist, that he has "issues" with you, and that he is just attempting to put one foot in front of the other and you are not making it any easier for him... What do you really think and feel about what he is doing?
Author Serendipity55 Posted August 15, 2017 Author Posted August 15, 2017 I feel belittled. I feel like I'm being needy and seeking reassurance and then being told 'go away' essentially. But am I being too needy?! Perhaps he has a point... All I know is it doesn't make me feel great but do I have unreasonable expectations? I feel angry. He wants me to feel sorry for him and to feel guilty that he feels it's 'very one-sided'.
BaileyB Posted August 15, 2017 Posted August 15, 2017 I feel belittled. I feel like I'm being needy and seeking reassurance and then being told 'go away' essentially. But am I being too needy?! Perhaps he has a point... All I know is it doesn't make me feel great but do I have unreasonable expectations? I feel angry. He wants me to feel sorry for him and to feel guilty that he feels it's 'very one-sided'. I don't think that you are being needy or that your expectations are unrealistic. It's not wrong to expect the man in your life to chose you above all else, to love you and support you, to be your soft place to fall, to GIVE and to receive... sadly, I just don't think that this man can offer you what you need. And that, is your problem. 2
BaileyB Posted August 15, 2017 Posted August 15, 2017 I feel belittled. I feel like I'm being needy and seeking reassurance and then being told 'go away' essentially. But am I being too needy?! Perhaps he has a point... All I know is it doesn't make me feel great but do I have unreasonable expectations? I feel angry. He wants me to feel sorry for him and to feel guilty that he feels it's 'very one-sided'. However, as others will say - you are being needy and expecting too much in your role as the other woman. You are meant to contribute to his life, not cause stress and hardship. It is supposed to be all about him - you are supposed to please him, ask how his day was, relieve his stress, have sex with him... no questions asked and nothing expected in return. When you step out of that role and start demanding more, he attempts to put you back in your place with guilt and manipulation, some men use the silent treatment or they withhold affection... He already has a woman in his life who places demands on him, who has emotions that he has to manage, and who causes him stress... he has enough stress in his life already with his job, his marriage, raising his child. He doesn't really want to worry about another woman. That's not fun, and it's not what he signed up for when he started this extramarital affair. 4
Author Serendipity55 Posted August 15, 2017 Author Posted August 15, 2017 (edited) Thank you BaileyB...your honesty is always just that but delivered with kindness. I agree. I'm not being the typical OW. I am placing expectations on a married man. Madness. I just have to keep reminding myself he's not a prize. He's told me why he pulled back- his child was poorly apparently and kept asking for him when he was with me. He said he shouldn't put himself first anymore. He always says that and it never seems to change. I think he's naive to think he'll suddenly become a less selfish person. Edited August 15, 2017 by Serendipity55
BaileyB Posted August 15, 2017 Posted August 15, 2017 Serendipity, I so wish that I could give you a hug and share a glass of wine... and then introduce you to the most wonderful, SINGLE man that I know. 1
Author Serendipity55 Posted August 15, 2017 Author Posted August 15, 2017 Haha, thank you BaileyB. Thanks for your warmth and empathy, I know I'm not the most deserving of it (for what I've done) but thank you. It really helps. 1
sandylee1 Posted August 15, 2017 Posted August 15, 2017 Sandylee - I think getting him would be a poisoned chalice. I can't disagree with you at all. There's some realisation in comments that you make, but perhaps through a desire to seek affirmation, you don't seem to want to accept he's not really a good guy. As a mum yourself, imagine your husband playing away from home at such a time. No good honest man would do that. You convince yourself he's honest with you and always has been. I remember seeing a sneaky guy like this, who tried to convince me that he didn't really want to be with his girlfriend, but it was hard to get rid of her because of family ties and she wouldn't leave his house. I told him he must think I was born yesterday to believe that nonsense. I could have fallen for it and seen him as being stuck... But I wasn't buying his story. He just wanted to have two women on the go. Honesty is more of a character trait.... Dishonest people carry that trait across different areas of their lives. They just become great at hiding it and manipulating those around them at the same time. If you don't want him to be yours, what's the point of all this. I see affairs in a couple of ways. Firstly.... you'd want to have a full time non secret relationship and for the married person to leave their spouse. Or secondly... Your happy or content being the 'other' and you go with the flow of things. Knowing that you won't have your needs fulfilled. If you don't want either, then it's all just a waste of time. Life's too short to waste time on stuff like this. And 32 is your prime. You could easily find a great single guy... I know you could. 2
Author Serendipity55 Posted August 15, 2017 Author Posted August 15, 2017 Thanks Sandylee...for taking the time to post and for your advice. He's just so selfish, I think that's my pervading thought. Affirmation from who? I agree, life is too short. My daughter is my life now and this is taking my energies from her and that's the worst thing I could do. 1
Author Serendipity55 Posted August 17, 2017 Author Posted August 17, 2017 MM is telling me how guilty he feels after spending time with me because apparently his child was calling for him and he wasn't there but at 'work'. He's now saying how we need to find a way back...not sure what this means but I guess it is the classic push/pull. He told me in March time he didn't feel any guilt anymore about what he was doing. Suddenly now he does. I know spending time working him out is pointless but I feel angry and I'm not sure I should be feeling like that. I've told him I feel angry and he's turning the tables and telling me I'm not being nice to him and I'm hurting him. Or similar. I am very very angry.
BaileyB Posted August 17, 2017 Posted August 17, 2017 (edited) MM is telling me how guilty he feels after spending time with me because apparently his child was calling for him and he wasn't there but at 'work'. He's now saying how we need to find a way back...not sure what this means but I guess it is the classic push/pull. He told me in March time he didn't feel any guilt anymore about what he was doing. Suddenly now he does. I know spending time working him out is pointless but I feel angry and I'm not sure I should be feeling like that. I've told him I feel angry and he's turning the tables and telling me I'm not being nice to him and I'm hurting him. Or similar. I am very very angry. If he feels guilty that his child was calling for him and he was not available because he was with you, imagine how guilty he will feel if he actually leaves his wife and his family. Not going to happen... So, why is he wasting your time by telling you that "you need to find a way back..." I would be absolutely furious with this man -he has carelessly abused your feelings and wasted your time in a relationship that is going NOWHERE. I mean, really, does he expect you to wait on the side for the ONE DAY A MONTH that he sees you while he enjoys the benefits of his family... or perhaps, he would prefer to see you more often for sex (particularly if his wife is home with the kids and not much is happening in the bedroom). Why would you waste your life like this? How dare he ask you to waste your life like this waiting for whatever attention he can send your way... I would simply tell him that this isn't going to work - I'm out. If he thinks that is "not nice" or hurtful, then he can just deal with it... he's a big boy. As my dear mother used to say - when you play, you pay! Edited August 17, 2017 by BaileyB 1
sandylee1 Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 Serendipity, wouldn't you just your DD to be treated like this when she's older? You wouldn't want her to be the OW would you?
Author Serendipity55 Posted August 20, 2017 Author Posted August 20, 2017 No, I wouldn't want my DD to be an OW. No way. I'm OK. The party was today (the one he said he might take his W along to)...anyway after making me sweat all day yesterday (we aren't really talking and I asked him if he was going or not yesterday morning)...he finally messaged me in the evening saying "I won't be there". That was all he said. A friend said it's a power play. To leave me wondering what was going to happen and then at the last minute confirm he wasn't going to go. I don't know. He's very annoyed with me. For being "self-centred" and never asking about his life or welfare. He thinks I "went off on one" when I said I felt he'd been less talkative since we'd seen each other. Maybe I did get a little cross but I felt used and I wasn't going to just say nothing. Anyway, he didn't like the suggestion he'd used me and his big declaration "I love you more than my W" was being questioned by me. Since then I've heard nothing from him apart from the "I am not going" message. I know it's for the best. Wonder if he's gone for good.
Author Serendipity55 Posted August 20, 2017 Author Posted August 20, 2017 Oh and to provide a fuller picture he did send a very long message explaining why he'd felt guilty and that he felt if I was a better partner I would have understood and we'd have worked past it together but that I can't handle the relationship and neither could he. It was a very long message so I'm paraphrasing and perhaps giving the wrong impression. He was cross with me and felt I was being selfish, all about me basically. When he felt no differently about me but just felt guilty because his child was ill and he was with me. It's hard to give a clear picture without copying his messages verbatim but they are very long!
BaileyB Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 (edited) He did send a very long message explaining why he felt guilty and if I was a better partner I would have understood and we'd have worked past it together... This just makes me laugh... Only because, if you were more understanding about the fact that he felt guilty (for the fact that he was not with his child when he needed him because he was busy carrying on an extramarital affair with you), then it would have worked out. So, he's laying the blame at your feet. I mean, how dare you not understand that he feels guilty about cheating on his wife and not being there for his family? This guy is something else. I'm glad that you didn't have to deal with him at the party. With any luck, he will be gone for good... Although, I doubt it (he seems to enjoy is game that he is playing...). Edited August 20, 2017 by BaileyB 1
Author Serendipity55 Posted August 20, 2017 Author Posted August 20, 2017 Well in other news, I went on a date and it was good. I'm not sure it has any legs (he's younger than me and has other issues) but it was a good distraction and maybe a sign that there's better men out there. 1
elaine567 Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 There is always hope on the other side. I first posted here 2 years ago and I was a total mess. I had been having a emotional turned physical affair with my best friends brother who had a child. Told me he loved me but couldn't leave his son ..so many occasions I seen him and partner together and felt awful. It took well over a year to feel ok again... I met someone and last night we went to a pub and the ex guy was in the pub I looked good (so I thought) and felt good,my boyfriend was with me and he kept looking over. I know it shouldn't matter but it felt like finally I had the power and that I showed him I moved on and found someone better than him or respected me and wanted me and just me. It felt so so good. Does this make sense? I hope seeing that made him feel a tiny bit how I felt for years. 1
Author Serendipity55 Posted August 21, 2017 Author Posted August 21, 2017 I do hope I meet someone and I can feel like this - not in a vindicated, in your face sort of way, just to feel peace and love for someone else (who isn't him). I don't really want to make him jealous or angry. I just want to be happy for my own sake. He's still not really communicating with me (I haven't contacted him either and he sent the last sulky message). I know this is for the best and no good can come of contact but I do feel unease at the unrest between us. I think I just don't like conflict. I also don't like fact he's thinking badly of me. That plays on my mind. I know I should think it's irrelevant what he thinks but I do still care. Argh. I annoy myself. 1
jenkins95 Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 I do hope I meet someone and I can feel like this - not in a vindicated, in your face sort of way, just to feel peace and love for someone else (who isn't him). I don't really want to make him jealous or angry. I just want to be happy for my own sake. He's still not really communicating with me (I haven't contacted him either and he sent the last sulky message). I know this is for the best and no good can come of contact but I do feel unease at the unrest between us. I think I just don't like conflict. I also don't like fact he's thinking badly of me. That plays on my mind. I know I should think it's irrelevant what he thinks but I do still care. Argh. I annoy myself. Just wanted to send you a hug (((Serendipity))). I am really encouraged by your latest posts. You are clearly still very hurt and vulnerable, but you are seeing more and more clearly how poisonous he is to you. Great that you went on a date, even if that doesn't lead to anything, it's a start amd I'm very impressed with you for doing that. One step at a time! You WILL get there. Proud of you. Keep posting. x 1
elaine567 Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 He's still not really communicating with me (I haven't contacted him either and he sent the last sulky message). I know this is for the best and no good can come of contact but I do feel unease at the unrest between us. I think I just don't like conflict. I also don't like fact he's thinking badly of me. That plays on my mind. I know I should think it's irrelevant what he thinks but I do still care. Argh. I annoy myself. YOU are supposed to feel very uneasy as you committed the cardinal sin of not wanting to stay in the OW box. He will "punish" you until you cannot bear it any longer. Eventually you will reach out, he is banking on that, he then swoops in and "saves" you. YOU are oh grateful, so you forget your resolve and fall back into his arms. Once he knows you are back on board and back in the OW box, he starts his nonsense again. 3
jenkins95 Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 (edited) What's his 'nonsense'? I imagine Elaine is talking about all the cr*p he has put you through basically throughout the entire affair. The push/pull, control, sulking, etc. He may act nicely for a while to get you back in, but will inevitably revert to type. I'm afraid to say that I agree. X Edited August 21, 2017 by jenkins95 2
BaileyB Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 (edited) I also agree. He's hoping that you will feel badly if he freezes you out or makes you feel guilty enough and come back to him. But, the games will continue because it is who he is and it is the nature of your relationship. I too would be very unsettled And uneasy - but, that's just because I'm a pleaser and I don't like conflict. But, it's important for you to stay your course. This relationship is not in your best interest and it needs to end. I am very proud of you for the shift you have made. I hope you are able to stay the course. I'm glad you had a good date - there is hope for the future! Edited August 21, 2017 by BaileyB 1
Author Serendipity55 Posted August 21, 2017 Author Posted August 21, 2017 He's told me I've been rude and dismissive (I said I felt he'd said what he said to get back into my good books and I felt used, pushed away and inconvenient after we'd met up and felt it was in stark contrast to all the "I love you so desperately it's unhealthy" talk of the week before). He said I was self-centred and mean. Said until I'm ready to apologise for my very poor behaviour he didn't feel there was anything else for him to say. If/when I apologise then we can have a conversation. CONDESCENDING *&&**!! I'm really cross but haven't responded. I'd like to say "what a condescending message. You should have shown empathy. I reacted because I was hurt and I felt used." But is there any point... He says I'm self-centred yet his messages all seem to be about him too. How my behaviour has been awful, no reflection on why I might have felt like that. In his mind my feeling was unjustified and so my reaction was too. It's not that I am not being a good little OW and that's why he's being so sanctimonious. Our 'relationship' has never been plain sailing and easy street. It's been peppered with arguments and fall outs and we've just always reconciled. I've never been "easy" with him in any sense of the word. I call him out whenever I feel he's been wrong. He's said he can't take any more of my 'abuse'. I worry that have I overstepped...I've said in the past I feel he's preyed on my vulnerabilities and used me but it's because that's how I have genuinely felt. Is that an emotional abuser? I don't think I am but is he right? I told him that I hoped he wouldn't go to the party and that I felt he'd pushed me away, had his fun and then gone quieter on me than usual and said what he said (the big love declaration shiz) so I'd come back to him.
Recommended Posts