I'm getting friend zoned - I need to change

[CptInsano]

You are meeting her for a beer. Sounds like a date to me.

Is there a reason you think it's not a date?

 

I agree that this statement raises concern.

 

 

I don't know how many women I had a beer with who were not my girlfriend and who I didn't date. I even went clubbing with women who I had no romantic interest in, and vice versa. It was just for fun, and can actually be one heck of a good time.

 

A date doesn't just happen, you have to make it one. Patterns in a relationship establish themselves rather quickly. If you treat her like a friend then she will become one.

[noknow]

You are meeting her for a beer. Sounds like a date to me.

Is there a reason you think it's not a date?

 

Good question. Im not sure. We met over a year ago playing Basketball. She studied abroad for a while is now back and we've just started talking about getting together. She invited me to a naked bike race, but I felt uncomfortable and declined. But I guess it can be considered one.

Edited July 26, 2017 by noknow

[smackie9]

Small gestures makes all the difference. When walking out of a resaurant, put your hand on the small of her back as you guide her out. If she leans on you while walking, put your arm around her. if she touches you, smile to acknowledge you like it. Do mirroring (look it up, too much to explain). Flirt with friendly banter/teasing/sarcasm. If you are in a crowd walking through, grab her hand and take the lead, make sure you make eye contact when you do.

[Steve51]

If a girl told me that she wanted to be friends, I would tell her that I have enough friends and do not want female friends anyway. I never had a female friend. They are all potential mates for me and I let them know that on the first date. The friend zone is rejection but in a nicer way. Sort of like a separation in a marriage. Some are just afraid to pull the bandage off fast because it hurts so they peel it off slowly.

 

A friend of mine asked me and my wife to double date with him and a new girl he met. He was complaining that all previous girlfriends ended up saying that they liked him as a friend, not a boyfriend.

 

We went and I saw the problem immediately. He was afraid of making any sort of intimate move. Did not slow dance with her. Never even touched her while talking. He was not letting her know what is interest in her was and a girl likes to feel desired and not treated like a sister.

[Versacehottie]

I didn't expect this much support but thank you for the replies everyone. Posting this topic was hard because it's very embarrassing to ask for this kind of help. It's emasculating.

 

Yeah I gather I need to be more active in my physical approach. It's hard for some reason, I guess I'm naturally a reserved private person. But I have to make a change. Ok so I'm going to start with the assumption that the girl wants to be physical. So should be escalating all the time with a reasonable pace.

 

 

 

Yes I should be more open about this.

 

 

 

I am socially awkward but I have gotten better at loving myself. Therapy has helped a lot. But I in no way take it out on anyone, just myself sometimes.

 

 

I'm meeting someone this week for beer. We met last year once and are reconnecting. I think a hug and a touch on the shoulder would be appropriate? If all goes well I'll ask her on a date. This is lightening fast for me. Last time I hung out with a girl 3 times before I asked her on a date. Would I ask at the end of the get together or text afterwards?

 

It seems that dating is all about numbers/gaining experience. Especially if I'm late to the game, I guess I need to put my time in. Can anyone else relate?

 

Huh? For all intents and purposes, in my world "hanging out" with a confident, cool, dateable guy is the SAME as a "date". No distinction needed and not a good reason to start the clock ticking on physical and flirting stuff after you've already "hung out" 3 times. An introvert or an extrovert with some game is gonna start that clock from hang out number one. Adapt this mindset.

 

I think you can just assume the beer thing is a casual date. Flirt, be slightly physical, see if she responds in return and then go from there. Confidence (especially from the guy) is kinda taking the leap right from the beginning, i.e. no one is using textbooks and making sure they check off stages & arbitrary levels--if it feels right, it feels right. You sound cool & probably just need some more experience (numbers game). Good luck!

[Vyliss]

Like everyone has said, you need to communicate to her that you're sexually attracted to her. You see her as a sexual being but you don't just want sex, you want a relationship as well.

 

You must escalate the tension slowly, definitely do not jump in for a kiss on your first date unless you've done other things first.

 

Here's how I'd recommend you do it.

 

1. Start by texting how sexy you think she is. On a scale of sexual that's a 1. See how she reacts. She must give a positive reaction for you to escalate to the next level.

 

2. More sexual stuff through text. Eg. I want to run my hands through your hair and kiss you lightly on your cheek. (Still very light stuff though). Once again, watch her reaction, she needs to react positively, better yet she needs to reciprocate as well. This gets her emotions going.

 

3. Tell her about your sexual preferences... are you dominant in bed? Are you a sexually active person? What do you like? Talk about this and then ask her what she likes. This gets her thinking about sex.

 

4. Ok finally whilst on the DATE, provided she's reacted well to all of the above. You must make some simple physical touch moves. Like put your hand on her back when escorting her into a location. Sit really close so your legs are touching etc. Watch that she doesn't flinch or move away.

 

5. Watch that she is making moves to touch you. If she holds your hand, links her arm in yours, anything like that. It's a clear sign she wants to be kissed later on in the date. If you don't kiss her... >< she'll think something is wrong. But if you're super nervous say to her, "I really want to kiss you but.. I'm nervous, I'm not usually like this." If she likes you, she'll find this really cute.

 

6. If all signs above was a go ahead, you must now move in for the kiss at least before the date is over. Just look at her with your body facing her, move in, cup your hand on her face and lean in. Yea it's gonna be scary but maybe to make it easier, pull her close and sort of hug with your face to hers first and then move down to her lips.

 

7. If you get into heavy making out, she's gonna expect things will lead to sex. Just go for it and let her stop you if she's uncomfortable. Respect her but it's better to push a little further here than not enough. Just stop as long as she definitely wants you to. But be warned, some women will say to stop but actually want you to keep going (I know we're weird). You must watch her body language, if you stop and she wanted you to keep going she'll be disappointed and think you're not interested. At least get her hot and bothered and then end the date first lol she'll be dying for it next time.

 

Hope these tips help. Remember you must escalate slowly. Or you risk freaking her out and it turning awkward, even if she really likes you and want to do it.

[joseb]

Like everyone has said, you need to communicate to her that you're sexually attracted to her. You see her as a sexual being but you don't just want sex, you want a relationship as well.

 

You must escalate the tension slowly, definitely do not jump in for a kiss on your first date unless you've done other things first.

 

Here's how I'd recommend you do it.

 

1. Start by texting how sexy you think she is. On a scale of sexual that's a 1. See how she reacts. She must give a positive reaction for you to escalate to the next level.

 

2. More sexual stuff through text. Eg. I want to run my hands through your hair and kiss you lightly on your cheek. (Still very light stuff though). Once again, watch her reaction, she needs to react positively, better yet she needs to reciprocate as well. This gets her emotions going.

 

3. Tell her about your sexual preferences... are you dominant in bed? Are you a sexually active person? What do you like? Talk about this and then ask her what she likes. This gets her thinking about sex.

 

4. Ok finally whilst on the DATE, provided she's reacted well to all of the above. You must make some simple physical touch moves. Like put your hand on her back when escorting her into a location. Sit really close so your legs are touching etc. Watch that she doesn't flinch or move away.

 

5. Watch that she is making moves to touch you. If she holds your hand, links her arm in yours, anything like that. It's a clear sign she wants to be kissed later on in the date. If you don't kiss her... >< she'll think something is wrong. But if you're super nervous say to her, "I really want to kiss you but.. I'm nervous, I'm not usually like this." If she likes you, she'll find this really cute.

 

6. If all signs above was a go ahead, you must now move in for the kiss at least before the date is over. Just look at her with your body facing her, move in, cup your hand on her face and lean in. Yea it's gonna be scary but maybe to make it easier, pull her close and sort of hug with your face to hers first and then move down to her lips.

 

7. If you get into heavy making out, she's gonna expect things will lead to sex. Just go for it and let her stop you if she's uncomfortable. Respect her but it's better to push a little further here than not enough. Just stop as long as she definitely wants you to. But be warned, some women will say to stop but actually want you to keep going (I know we're weird). You must watch her body language, if you stop and she wanted you to keep going she'll be disappointed and think you're not interested. At least get her hot and bothered and then end the date first lol she'll be dying for it next time.

 

Hope these tips help. Remember you must escalate slowly. Or you risk freaking her out and it turning awkward, even if she really likes you and want to do it.

 

Seriously?

 

You would actually advise talking about sexual preference before he has even touched the girl?

 

I'm curious to hear the women's reactions about that. I would assume thats the kind of stuff gets you blocked quickly on tinder, but maybe I'm being way too nice.

 

I rarely even do #1 unless I've at least kissed (and more likely slept with) someone.

[CptInsano]

Seriously?

 

You would actually advise talking about sexual preference before he has even touched the girl?

 

I'm curious to hear the women's reactions about that. I would assume thats the kind of stuff gets you blocked quickly on tinder, but maybe I'm being way too nice.

 

I rarely even do #1 unless I've at least kissed (and more likely slept with) someone.

 

You and me both. I also wouldn't discuss sexual preferences until I have at least kissed her.

 

To me stepping out of the friend zone is more about being bold, letting her know that you see her as more than a friend, being direct and unambiguous about wanting her.

[noknow]

A friend of mine asked me and my wife to double date with him and a new girl he met. He was complaining that all previous girlfriends ended up saying that they liked him as a friend, not a boyfriend.

 

I dread this and in no way want this to happen.

 

Huh? For all intents and purposes, in my world "hanging out" with a confident, cool, dateable guy is the SAME as a "date". No distinction needed and not a good reason to start the clock ticking on physical and flirting stuff after you've already "hung out" 3 times. An introvert or an extrovert with some game is gonna start that clock from hang out number one. Adapt this mindset.

 

I think this is where I need to change my mindset. I never equated hanging out with a girl as a date. In my mind, they were two separate things. And it took some hanging out before progressing to a date. Hanging out not including flirting or escalation of any kind but just getting to know each other. But from what you guys are saying the women needs to know she is desired somehow; touching and flirting should be there from the start.

 

I know that I got essentially rejected by date #3, and other past dates. But say down the road I make some changes, is there no reason no open up communication and try again if the opportunity arises? I'm not stuck on them, I'm just wondering how permanent things are. I'm certain they were attracted to me, and the chemistry was good, but I was heavily lacking in one area.

 

I did get a couple books:

No More Mr. Nice Guy - Robert Glover

Converstation Casanova - Dave P

What Women Want in a Man - Bruce Bryans

[Versacehottie]

I dread this and in no way want this to happen.

 

 

 

I think this is where I need to change my mindset. I never equated hanging out with a girl as a date. In my mind, they were two separate things. And it took some hanging out before progressing to a date. Hanging out not including flirting or escalation of any kind but just getting to know each other. But from what you guys are saying the women needs to know she is desired somehow; touching and flirting should be there from the start.

 

I know that I got essentially rejected by date #3, and other past dates. But say down the road I make some changes, is there no reason no open up communication and try again if the opportunity arises? I'm not stuck on them, I'm just wondering how permanent things are. I'm certain they were attracted to me, and the chemistry was good, but I was heavily lacking in one area.

 

I did get a couple books:

No More Mr. Nice Guy - Robert Glover

Converstation Casanova - Dave P

What Women Want in a Man - Bruce Bryans

 

a girl might "hang out" with you wondering what the "possibilities" are and then when nothing happens (no flirting, no kissing, etc) hang outs 1-3, she's already decided eh not into it more than likely. Especially if you have done nothing to flirt with her. I would probably think it would be a huge hurdle for someone like you to THEN have a convo about hanging out again as a "date". Too convoluted, wearing your anxiety like a suit. Think about it like planting seeds. Even if you don't kiss on hang outs 1-3, you should always be planting seeds through flirting, fun teasing etc., confident stuff. Trust me, if you are asking me to hang out or do something one on one, just you and me, I am going to know or wonder if you are into me. Then if you keep it so platonic on those hangouts I would just assume nope we are just friends (not to mention lose momentum and excitement). Be bolder.

[Tamari]

'I'll only text when when I want to do something. I can't stand convos in text.'

 

Ok, each to their own and of course nothing wrong with that per se. But.... it's yet another form of communication which you are choosing not to engage in.

 

What with that, no flirting, no touching and not seeing 'hanging out' as part of the process.... what are these girls supposed to think?

 

Now don't get me wrong, I am sure you're a great guy with a golden heart and the best of intentions BUT..... communication is everything, and if you don't show how you feel about somebody then any spark that might have been there initially, will die.

 

Communicate. Explain that you don't like convo texting so that they are aware at least. Do you like chatting on the phone? My guess is no. Writing letters maybe? I know it's hard (I truly do understand that) but it's necessary in order to establish an emotional connection, which is what every girl is looking for. Only then will she be interested in a physical one.

 

Fact is, we women thrive on attention and part of that is verbal communication, not touching alone. In fact, touching alone comes across as creepy, I know I'd run a mile from a guy who didn't talk/chat/show he is interested by verbal giving of himself and only wanted to touch me...

 

Good luck! And here for you if you want/need any advice

[rightondude]

Here's a trick noknow ... when the time comes at the end of the date and you're saying your goodbyes, lock eyes and lean in slowly. If she starts to meet you halfway, you're good. If her expression changes, look to the right and pull your head back.

 

Hey it's worked for me a few times.