Relationship and family issues

[Southwardbound]

Where to begin...

 

I am a 28 year old male who is well educated and am living on my own. Last year I started seeing a woman who was 14 years older than me. Things got serious between us, and my parents were weary of the relationship at first but once things did get serious they did not like it.

 

My parents for one did not ever meet my significant other and actually refused to meet her. We dated for 18 months and her parents loved me. I would have loved to taken her home to my parents to show them what a wonderful person I met. A lot of my friends were hesitant of the age gap at first, but once they met her they saw why we were together and adored her.

 

After my significant other and I were together for a year my mom started pushing me to break up with her. First she demanded I purchase the car off her, which I did. Then she wrote a clause in the will saying that if I dated or married someone 10 years older than me then I'd be written out of the will. Now of this affected me. However , my parents started holding their health and mental

Unhappiness over my head and it wore on me until the point I broke down and ended up breaking up with the person I love and care for most in the world.

 

 

There was absolutely nothing wrong with our relationship. We got along and actually never really fought until after I broke up with her. Those fights would be around me choosing my family over her.

 

I am still deeply in love with her. I would absolutely love to be with her, but I am unsure what that would do to me and the stress I had with my parents and the relationship. I am hardly talking to my mom because I am so upset with her. Also, she seems to be pulling away more and more.

 

I am not sure why I am on this site or why I am sharing this. Maybe I just really wanted to get this out, but if anyone has any advice or questions I'd gladly appreciate them.

 

I'm 9 1/2 years older than my MM, the age difference has never been an issue for us because we are highly compatible in all ways. That is what matters the most.

Of course, he when he teases me our age difference, since, I'm so much older than him, then I tell him that's a good thing cause he'll probably still die before me- as he's such a work-alcoholic - then neither of us will be alone for long in our old age.

 

Your parents aren't the ones having the relationship - you are- so be with the one who makes you happy.

[Smash1989]

I am here to vent... I feel like her actions are now pretty clear to me. She is making it apparent that she wants me as a friend right now. Honestly, I feel like an errand boy though. I want to do all this stuff for her because I absolutely love her but there is no reciprocation. Everything seems to be on her agenda. When we do have stuff together there is always something planned for her after. I am starting to get annoyed by it. We will be texting. And then all of a sudden she stops responding. I got invited to stop by the family party this weekend but other than that there seems to be nothing there. Part of me just wants to move on but maybe it's just that wall she has put up to ensure she doesn't fall back in love again. I know deep down that it is there. I just want a sign or something from her to show she still cares

[mikeylo]

Well, you let your folks ill- treat her and didn't stand up for her. That's a big thing. She is smart. If she had stood up for herself , you would not have stood by her anyway and most likely told her that it's not her place. So, where does that leave her? You won't do anything and she can't do anything. She basically had to suck her pride , for what ? Her love for you and maybe trust that you would do the necessary. Took too long probably.

 

You need to start from scratch if at all and have too much patience to bring it all back.

 

Who is to say you won't do it again ? Only time is her answer. If you don't like your status quo, move on.

[Smash1989]

I did stand up for her but I guess I did it in the wrong way. I am more standing up for her now than I was before by completely cutting my parents out. I know she is talking to other guys on match because she told me, but nothing serious has become of it. I wish I knew her exact intentions, but I don't think she knows what is in store for her yet. I think her heart may say one thing but her mind is blocking her heart. I can't force the issue as that would be selfish and. I only can be with her if she truly wants to be with me. I just don't know if the prolonged heart ache is worth it. I just need a sign from her that shows me that she is still thinking of me as an optoin. If not then i know what I'll have to do.

[mikeylo]

FWIW, it won't happen just because you want it to happen now. It will take time. Your choice to wait around or not.

 

Like I mentioned earlier somewhere, this time around , her heart and head , both are at work and rightly so. The heart maybe wants to jump in with both feet but head needs time. You have her heart. Now you need her head as well. It's all on you! You need to be patient and work on gaining her trust that it won't happen again, words aren't enough.

 

So, either be patient and do the work or bail now. Or just ask her.

[Smash1989]

I'm 9 1/2 years older than my MM, the age difference has never been an issue for us because we are highly compatible in all ways. That is what matters the most.

Of course, he when he teases me our age difference, since, I'm so much older than him, then I tell him that's a good thing cause he'll probably still die before me- as he's such a work-alcoholic - then neither of us will be alone for long in our old age.

 

Your parents aren't the ones having the relationship - you are- so be with the one who makes you happy.

 

Did you have any family issues that you went through?

[Smash1989]

Well this relationship seems like it is coming to an end. She is being more distant and quite frankly is seems like if I don't make an effort to do something she has no interests of making plans with me. It seems like the only time she contacts me is when she needs help with something.

[Redhead14]

"Mom, Dad, I love you two very much and you have been great parents. I am X years old now. You have raised an independent, self-sufficient adult. And you can be proud. However, I have to make my own choices and mistakes, if that ends up being the case. I am sorry that you are unhappy with my decision to stay with Xgirl. If that means that I am cut out of your will, so be it. I don't need all that in order to have a happy, healthy life. If you cut me out of your will, I hope you will not cut me out of your life."

[LurkerXX]

I think perhaps she realized that either she would not be able to trust again, no matter what you do now.

 

Or she felt that this whole thing was going to be pressure. Pressure for her not to keep her options open. Pressure to forget this ever happened. Pressure to say 'yep, now you did enough' at your every action, instead of waiting for a pattern of actions. Pressure to accept a temporary cutting off of the parents to be the same as actually standing up to them.

 

I think perhaps you are not as invested as you thought, and that is fine. But don't expect her to wait around for that.

[Smash1989]

Well this relationship seems like it is coming to an end. She is being more distant and quite frankly is seems like if I don't make an effort to do something she has no interests of making plans with me. It seems like the only time she contacts me is when she needs help with something.

[Smash1989]

Well I decided to post a reply to this thread for anyone that may stubble across and might be in the same situation. I moved on and decided it wasn't worth my time beating myself up over my ex. I told her I moved on and apparently she was still in love with me and she really had a rough time after I moved on. I am glad I found my own happiness, but it is funny how she really was still in love with me but had a wall up afraid to show that she wanted me back. I am probably going to be happier in the long run. Emotions do crazy things to people and its all about keeping them in check (not always the easiest thing to do)