Secretly in love with spouse's best friend

[road]

The price of an affair is never worth the cost, pain, and loss.

[TunaInTheBrine]

This doesn't sound good, and for two reasons that are immediately apparent to me.

 

1. Your flirting with the idea of engaging in some kind of extramarital affair with your husband's best friend suggests that there is already such a wedge between the two of you, and you are not satisfied and/or are lonely in the relationship.

 

2. You are blaming the problems in your marriage on your husband, essentially saying that the marital problems are his fault because he won't seek treatment for his anxiety.

 

It's also worth mentioning that you seem to be placing the controls on the prospective affair not within yourself, but on the fortune that the potential affair partner is "out there" and not near. You also seem to feel at mercy to your biology. This suggests you don't feel you would be able to exercise self-control over your emotions and behavior if faced with the opportunity. Not good.

 

I'm not suggesting that the problem is really you. Your husband may in fact have some issues that he should work on for his own health and for that of the relationship. At the same time, many marriages operate just fine when one or both partners have some kind of mental health disorder. The key is not if there is a problem, but how you work with the problem.

 

The fact that you came to this forum to post, including the way that you have written your post, suggests to me that whether an affair is happening or not that your marriage is heading for (is already in?) serious trouble. You both need to take active responsibility for the health of the relationship, or it will get sick and eventually die. I would consider speaking with a marital counselor and that you and your husband attempt to repair your relationship now before things get worse, because that's where this train is heading.

Edited July 25, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[SecretStar]

Thanks for your thoughtful response. You are right. I'm treating this like some kind of endurance test instead of focusing on the root problems. Surely I am a big part of the problem considering that it's me on the verge of cheating not my husband. I do plan to see a counselor and hopefully my husband will join me. So far, he thinks he can manage without that. I don't want to blame his illness but living with it is challenging sometimes and I bear most of responsibility for daily household management in addition to holding an intense, public job. It might be time to just fess up so he knows how serious this has become. I feel awful about the whole situation but hopefully we can work through it.

[TeCHer]

I will say that as a Christian, I always take into account that I may be being enticed by someone (the devil) who wants to use me to cause harm. Society is being destroyed by the lack of commitment in couples. Young people are becoming very disillusioned about marriage and those of us who are in a marriage relationship need to realize that we can be a force for reinforcing strong commitment or a force for undermining marriage in our society. Sometimes considering the higher call helps keep us focused on the goal. Wishing you peace in your heart over this. Marriages can thrive with work.

[freengreen]

When you choose to endure great pain... atleast make sure it must be something that is worthy or that leaves you with happiness. In affair, you endure hell loads of pain only to end up more painful..wtf.. if only i had a heads up.

[ConInLA]

This may sound extreme but tell your husband. I 100 percent wish that I would have told my husband that I was interested in another man because I was stressed out and our marriage was lacking. He would have known what to do because no one knows me better than my SO.

Also, emotional affair? Yet another reason to tell your husband. His supposed best friend is being inappropriate with his wife. So, he isn't a friend. At all! I advise that you tell your husband because you're already so far gone. I remember being exactly where you were right now. It's hard to conquer an addiction/obsession but telling your husband will blow this EA up before it comes physical.

I hope you listen. I understand the desire to just be bad and irresponsible for once. I had an affair and it was the worst thing I have ever done in.my.life! It may seem fun but believe me, it isn't. Its destructive and it just isn't worth the emotional toll that is taken on ALL involved parties. Everyone loses in an affair. Please think of your husband.

[SecretStar]

I think maybe I should tell my husband but does it matter who I fixated on? I am not sure that matters, really. If not George maybe I would have fixated on someone else anyway. The main thing is focusing on the root causes and trying to fix that. Maybe I should talk to a counselor first to figure out how to deal with this. You all are so helpful. I am grateful.

[Friskyone4u]

I think maybe I should tell my husband but does it matter who I fixated on? I am not sure that matters, really. If not George maybe I would have fixated on someone else anyway. The main thing is focusing on the root causes and trying to fix that. Maybe I should talk to a counselor first to figure out how to deal with this. You all are so helpful. I am grateful.

 

Telling your husband is the right thing to do because of a couple of reasons, and telling him who this EA is with is a must

(1) your husband will be pissed off, but probably. Not as mad as if you wind up in bed with George. And it will bre unpleasant BUT your husband knowing what is going on will make it much harder for you to not give this budding affair up. He will be watching you

(2) he needs to know his best friend is a snake who will bang his wife if the chance arises. If you let this go on and get caught, it will be even worse than with a stranger.

 

Get it out of your head that you are going to stay married and be "friends" with George. You ruined that when you crossed the line and you better own that one.

 

Your other alternative is to continue the deceit and we k now where that will end up. Your choice.

[darkmoon]

do not hurt your husband by telling him

 

just abstain from the flirtation, you are fighting the urges now and it will get easier as a habit over time, you brain will get used to it

 

you never slept with him, so stop thinking you are so guilty over unwanted advances

Edited July 28, 2017 by darkmoon

[Bufo]

Far away on another continent? How well do you know him? When did you last see him? How much time have you spent with him (with or without your H)?

 

I'm also concerned about the object of your fantasy. Any A is inherently destructive to a marriage. But one with the betrayed' s friend is exponentially worse than one with a stranger to the marriage. Some call such an A a double betrayal. You couldn't have picked a better target than George if you really want to blow up your H's world.

 

Finally, and I'll get of the high horse soon, what happens if George doesn't have the same longing for you that you have for him and out of friendship discloses your proposition to H? Something is not quite right and you ought to figure out what that is. Hint: it's not your H's anxiety.

[SecretStar]

This involves two couples who have known each other a very long time. We get together for family vacations regularly and we skype.

The problem lies within me. George isn't a snake. Both couples seem to be struggling. It's almost predictable that George and I would look to each other. Our last get together was just a couple weeks ago. George and I never were alone during that time. We didn't do anything inappropriate. During the vacation before this last one George kissed my briefly on the lips. That was clearly not ok.

A period of NC and focusing on my marriage is the plan. I decided to talk to a counselor before saying anything to my husband about this. I don't want to make matters worse. When my husband was away on a business trip I pulled out letters my husband wrote to me before we married. I actually didn't think about George too much. This really is my problem. I got a lot of great advice here. Anytime I start thinking the wrong way, I remember your words. No, I don't want to be that awful person!

[road]

This involves two couples who have known each other a very long time. We get together for family vacations regularly and we skype.

The problem lies within me. George isn't a snake. Both couples seem to be struggling. It's almost predictable that George and I would look to each other. Our last get together was just a couple weeks ago. George and I never were alone during that time. We didn't do anything inappropriate. During the vacation before this last one George kissed my briefly on the lips. That was clearly not ok.

A period of NC and focusing on my marriage is the plan. I decided to talk to a counselor before saying anything to my husband about this. I don't want to make matters worse. When my husband was away on a business trip I pulled out letters my husband wrote to me before we married. I actually didn't think about George too much. This really is my problem. I got a lot of great advice here. Anytime I start thinking the wrong way, I remember your words. No, I don't want to be that awful person!

 

Does your BH know that George is in a bad marriage?

 

Does your BH know that his friend put the move on you?

 

Does your BH know that you crossed the physical affair

line with the kiss from his BF, George?

 

What are your answers to these three questions?

[SecretStar]

No. He doesn't know. I want to consult a counselor to help me decide if and how to disclose this. It surely will trigger an anxiety attack. It may or may not be a necessary step as we work to strengthen our marriage. For now, I have told my SO that we need to focus more attention on our relationship. Hopefully a counselor can guide us.

I think about the kids too. This would be so awful for them too. I am pretty sure that I am heading in the right direction with this. My mother had an affair with my BFF's dad and ended up marrying him. Somehow I conveniently neglected to remember that when I started this infatuation. I'm seeing more clearly now. I probably was quietly encouraging George. George and his wife will have to address their own problems just as my SO and I must do. Hopefully we can do that and preserve our friendship. My marriage comes first though. I'm very disappointed with myself for cultivating a EA instead of recognizing that my marriage is in trouble. Can't wait to see the counselor.

[MickeyBill]

My mother had an affair with my BFF's dad and ended up marrying him. Somehow I conveniently neglected to remember that when I started this infatuation. I'm seeing more clearly now. I probably was quietly encouraging George.

 

That is a pretty big thing to leave out, bot h here and IRL.

How did the marriage work out with your mother and dad's friend? Was it successful? How old were you? Maybe subliminally if her dalliance worked out it would not be totally off the table for you to follow her path. As opposed to someone who did not have that family history?

 

Was the kiss a real kiss or one of those when a kiss that is aimed for a cheek ends up on the lips because heads turned the wrong way?

 

Being honest with yourself, how much do you think this is real and how much is your imagination running away. How much you and how much George...you are in similar boats and can sympathize with each others plight.

 

..and no don't have a threesome. If it didn;t happen on the camping trips or before in the relationship, now is not a good time to try it. The few times open marriages work is when both parties are on equal footing, not when one is depressed or suffering from anxiety, and all parties want to open a marriage...

[Jersey born raised]

Wow, that is a huge point to leave out. We often shadow are parents. At 62 there are times I stop and say "when did I become my dad". At other times is seems I feel as though I hear my mom speaking and not me.

 

Bluntly an adult does not commit adultery, period. They either settle the issues in the marriage or divorce. Oddly I posted a reply to a woman who is engaged that is in an EA and had a ONS with her EA partner. I used the term cheating not adultery. There is a difference.

 

I get your husband has issues that effect the marriage. I sense you have FOO issues that are in play as well. You both need IC to gain insight into yourself's then MC to see if a marriage can be built.

 

Finally you could have been a friend to George's marriage. He could have been a friend to yours. Both of you failed to do so.

 

We all have feet of clay, of personal failures. Learn to accept that it happened and rebuild to a better you. A cat will always be a cat. A dog will always be a dog. An adult human gets to choose. You do have free will, for better or worse. Choose.

[SecretStar]

My mom and stepdad were madly in love but it was dysfunctional. Both were abused by their former sposes and their parents. Both were alcoholics. My BFFs mother was so awful to me. She had been like a second mom to me before the affair. She banned me from her home and wouldn't let me see my BFF. She also took a sledgehammer to my mom's vehicle. All if the aduts involved put themselves before the kids and did crazy things. I had to couch surf with friends for a while when the **** hit the fan. I was 16. It was awful.

 

That kiss was a goodbye kiss usually on the cheek but that time, pointedly on the lips. I know George so well. It wasn't just my imagination but I probably provoked it. I'm also overwhelmed with work and home obligations and trying to help my SO with the anxiety. Clearly I have a lot of work to do with the help of a counselor.

[Jersey born raised]

They where not madly in love. They where kids in limerence. Look it up. I suspect you are influenced by it as well at this point.

 

Be a friend to OM marriage. Go NC with him.

[elaine567]

George and you are both stuck in marriages with incompatible people fghting mental illness, both of you desperate for love and both see no end to the misery.

BUT enter the knowing smile, the pained expression and a new connection is born.

NO longer just George the husband's BF, this is the beginning of a way out for both of yoiu.

 

So whilst you know that you should pick up again with your husband and forget all this infatuation nonsense, do you really want to when there is maybe a better life ahead that is probably free of depression and anxiety issues...?

A tough one.

WE can all encourage you to save your marriage and soldier on, but none of us have to live with your husband and his anxiety for the next few decades...

[SecretStar]

 

So whilst you know that you should pick up again with your husband and forget all this infatuation nonsense, do you really want to when there is maybe a better life ahead that is probably free of depression and anxiety issues...?

A tough one.

WE can all encourage you to save your marriage and soldier on, but none of us have to live with your husband and his anxiety for the next few decades...

 

This comment really has me reeling a bit but it obviously is another important perspective. Why did I chose John all those years ago? I'm not sure that I really want to say. He rescued me from a bad situation, opened new worlds for me and brought me into a stable family (I adore my in-laws).

 

All of this has to be guided by counseling. That's the only way to sort through this. I am truly horrified that any of this is happening. I really hope we don't end up dissolving either marriage but everyone needs to be at least content with daily life. So, it's more date nights, NC with Geo. and IC for now... thanks again for commenting. Each response has given me more insight and things to think about.

[DKT3]

George and you are both stuck in marriages with incompatible people fghting mental illness, both of you desperate for love and both see no end to the misery.

BUT enter the knowing smile, the pained expression and a new connection is born.

NO longer just George the husband's BF, this is the beginning of a way out for both of yoiu.

 

So whilst you know that you should pick up again with your husband and forget all this infatuation nonsense, do you really want to when there is maybe a better life ahead that is probably free of depression and anxiety issues...?

A tough one.

WE can all encourage you to save your marriage and soldier on, but none of us have to live with your husband and his anxiety for the next few decades...

 

I disagree with this...here is why... OP in her first post said she cared deeply for the friend from the start. This isn't about compatible, it's not about depression. It's about opportunity and an opening. I believe op would have been here at any point were the "friend" open. Now he is open. There she goes.

[SecretStar]

I disagree with this...here is why... OP in her first post said she cared deeply for the friend from the start. This isn't about compatible, it's not about depression. It's about opportunity and an opening. I believe op would have been here at any point were the "friend" open. Now he is open. There she goes.

 

Either way, I am taking Jenkins95's advice and trying to fix my marriage first. If that isn't possible, we will have more decisions to make.

[jenkins95]

Either way, I am taking Jenkins95's advice and trying to fix my marriage first. If that isn't possible, we will have more decisions to make.

 

 

Good luck SS. Proud of you

 

Use us and other support networks, therapy, etc as much as you can.

 

I'm not saying for a moment that you should stay indefinitely in an unhappy marriage, and I wouldn't have stayed myself if I didn't see at least the potential to be happy again with my wife (going great now!). But I do know how much the involvement of a third party can twist the mind against the marriage and poison efforts at finding connection with one's spouse - I experienced this first hand.

 

I always think that spouses should look to fix and work on the marriage first when things are tough and completely separate the influence of a third party. If this fails after trying everything, then as amicable, reasonable and fair a divorce as possible should be sought before looking elsewhere. I know you know all this - just getting on my soap box again

 

Wishing you the very best

[SecretStar]

Good luck SS. Proud of you

 

But I do know how much the involvement of a third party can twist the mind against the marriage and poison efforts at finding connection with one's spouse - I experienced this first hand.

 

 

I do think that you are right about that! At this point, George is not really part of the work that I have to do right now. I very much hope that he is on a similar path though.

 

It's probably inevitable to get to a point when a relationship needs some TLC. My marriage survived the death of our daughter due to pre-term labor (we managed to have just one living child and endured recurrent miscarriage). Divorce rates after an experience like that are through the roof. It's amazing that this inner turmoil/limerence is more dangerous for our relationship than the difficulties of grieving in very different ways presented.