History Repeats

[noun123]

I find weekends are the hardest for me too, as that was our time we always spent together, and now I have to try and find stuff to keep my busy, so a I don't dwell on missing her. I used to cook us dinners, go to the park with my kids and her etc. But you know, even when I look back at the weekends we spent together, we didn't do much, but just having someone to snuggle on the sofa was lovely.

 

When I think about messaging her (I haven't over the last couple of days) or will she message me (I know she won't 100%), I read the Giving Second Chances Thread, on this message board, and it makes me realize how, even if I did really want us to get back together and make it work, in all likelihood, it never will. Here is the link, if you're interested: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/631987-have-you-ever-given-ex-second-chance

 

Well, I had a relatively painless weekend which was a nice change. I find that going out of town really helps so I don't wonder where he is and what he is up to. Feeling strong, I really hope it continues. Not sure how long you have been in NC, but it is almost two weeks for me. And while at first it was just as painful as the actual breakup, like horrendous heartbreak. I've found that I've healed much faster not hearing little bits from him and being stuck in that limbo. It's only been two weeks but I'm so much more hopeful right now.

 

I can attest to the second chance thing! This was actually our second go at it so I'm living proof that the same things always seem to pop up. I think the only way to really make a second chance work would be for two people to have a long time apart to really be able to work on themselves. Just too bad that most people won't.

 

Anyways just rambling, hope you were able to stay busy and had a good weekend:)

[noun123]

Feeling the same. Weekends are super hard for me too. Miss so much waking up with someone & planning the day, or just lounging around together. And the knowing he's doing that with someone else is practically unbearable! Ugh. So over feeling like this. Hang in there. We'll muster through.

 

We will! We have to. I'm so sorry for your situation. Keep remembering the negative qualities and that eventually you will find someone better to do those things with. I know it seems impossible now but we have to keep working toward the light at the end of the tunnel. Hope you had a good weekend.

[noun123]

Struggling with a different emotion of sorts over the last few days. I forced myself to really truly consider the things we had talked about the weeks before NC. If I really look at everything, while I can see the hope in some of his statements I can also see how he was really being honest about us letting go. I choose to focus on the latter so I can really let go. I don't want to keep myself in this limbo, no one is keeping me here but myself. So with this new focus I've found myself in a new area of pain. The one we all try to keep ourselves from accepting. A place where we finally realize there is no hope. Holy crap this is a new area of pain but I hope that its the final stage before letting go. Im teetering between denial and acceptance but I hope I can keep pushing forward and start making some real progress.

[doglover98]

I might be going through this fake reconciliation right now. My ex broke up with me in early June. We'd been arguing a lot, because of our problems which arose from long distance (jealousy, unmet expectations, becoming distant). He ended it but it was close to being mutual. Afterwards we went directly into NC for 2 months. After 2 months he texted me. We are both in college and he has been home for the summer. He reached out to me about 2 weeks before he goes back to school. Those 2 weeks we talked a lot and even had sex a few times but he said he actually wants to try again? But in order to do that we need to go slow to try to avoid going back to our old issues. So instead of getting back together we're starting out as friends. Today he went back to school, we've hooked up several times since he's been home but we're only friends? Im terrified he might sleep with someone else at school even though he didn't while we were broken up. Just don't know if he's using me as a backup option or if he actually wants to try and take things slow. I know for a fact I won't hook up with him again for a while, even IF we get back together. Things are really confusing right now

[Fever of love]

My BU was 3 months ago, with the last 2 being NC.

 

I'm so close to breaking NC and messaging her to see how she is and to maybe try and get us back together, even though it's been 3 months, I broke up with her and at the time I knew she was no good for me... I even thought about messaging her mother to ask how she was and should I try and reconcile with her daughter, as I don't want to upset her if she has moved on... Crazy, no!! My mind and heart is torn.

 

I can't bring myself to message her because I think I know in my gut it's a fools errand and I'll just put myself back where I started, and throwing away 3 months of healing, but I want her back so much... even after how she treated me. I'm trying to justify her actions by saying I was to rash to leave and should of done more to understand etc.

 

My head is a minefield.

 

Did you message her? I'm nearly three months too, although only about 1 week of (almost) NC... I'm kinda thinking if we love them, isnt it worth keeping trying?

[Art_Critic]

I'm kinda thinking if we love them, isnt it worth keeping trying?

 

 

Love yourself more and don't break NC, it will only cause you heartbreak and you will have to start over with your healing.

[MarvelFan1]

Did you message her? I'm nearly three months too, although only about 1 week of (almost) NC... I'm kinda thinking if we love them, isnt it worth keeping trying?

No bud, I never messaged her, because it's not love that's the reason, it's because I miss the normal, the routine. Morning/Goodnight texts and staying over, days out... Relationships are like a drug addiction, when you try and go cold turkey via NC, you get the craving, the fix of having them, even if it's just a little message, even when you know it's bad for you.

 

I've just got to hang in there.

[MarvelFan1]

Well, I had a relatively painless weekend which was a nice change. I find that going out of town really helps so I don't wonder where he is and what he is up to. Feeling strong, I really hope it continues. Not sure how long you have been in NC, but it is almost two weeks for me. And while at first it was just as painful as the actual breakup, like horrendous heartbreak. I've found that I've healed much faster not hearing little bits from him and being stuck in that limbo. It's only been two weeks but I'm so much more hopeful right now.

 

I can attest to the second chance thing! This was actually our second go at it so I'm living proof that the same things always seem to pop up. I think the only way to really make a second chance work would be for two people to have a long time apart to really be able to work on themselves. Just too bad that most people won't.

 

Anyways just rambling, hope you were able to stay busy and had a good weekend:)

I've been NC for 3 Months, and I find going out with friends and having fun is the key to keeping the mind busy, to try and move forward, with small steps everyday. I haven't heard anything about her from friends or had any messages from her, so it's helping me heal quicker and move on faster. If she did message me, I'd probably freak out after all this time

 

Like someone said on here, no one changes in a week or month, it can take a long time for both or either person to change how they are and how they need to be, should they want a relationship to work. I definatly learned a lot.

 

I tried to message you on here, too carry on our conversation and share our story, but I can't, we're overtaking the thread

[noun123]

I've been NC for 3 Months, and I find going out with friends and having fun is the key to keeping the mind busy, to try and move forward, with small steps everyday. I haven't heard anything about her from friends or had any messages from her, so it's helping me heal quicker and move on faster. If she did message me, I'd probably freak out after all this time

 

Like someone said on here, no one changes in a week or month, it can take a long time for both or either person to change how they are and how they need to be, should they want a relationship to work. I definatly learned a lot.

 

I tried to message you on here, too carry on our conversation and share our story, but I can't, we're overtaking the thread

 

3 months! You're doing amazing. Im just about at 3 weeks and the last couple days have gotten horrible. I was feeling great last week but something took a turn really horribly. I guess because I accepted we were finally over I started thinking about the possibility of him moving on to someone else and then I because absolutely obsessed with the idea and it drove me into crazy anxiety. I know its extremely unhealthy thinking but Im not sure how to handle it. It is making me sick just to imagine him with someone else. Hope I can figure out a way to combat this.

[MarvelFan1]

3 months! You're doing amazing. Im just about at 3 weeks and the last couple days have gotten horrible. I was feeling great last week but something took a turn really horribly. I guess because I accepted we were finally over I started thinking about the possibility of him moving on to someone else and then I because absolutely obsessed with the idea and it drove me into crazy anxiety. I know its extremely unhealthy thinking but Im not sure how to handle it. It is making me sick just to imagine him with someone else. Hope I can figure out a way to combat this.

I wake up everyday missing her, and I keep telling myself that it's just loneliness not love, that I'm feeling, with a pinch of guilt.

 

My family are so fed up of me going on about it, they've adopted the, "Well message her to get back with her then, but don't come around here complaining if it all goes wrong".

 

I know she is no good for me, so why do I feel like this... I keep hoping to bump in to her just to see and speak to her, but at the same time I can't bring myself to message her... I think deep down my heart knows the truth.

[Fever of love]

I wake up everyday missing her, and I keep telling myself that it's just loneliness not love, that I'm feeling, with a pinch of guilt.

 

My family are so fed up of me going on about it, they've adopted the, "Well message her to get back with her then, but don't come around here complaining if it all goes wrong".

 

I know she is no good for me, so why do I feel like this... I keep hoping to bump in to her just to see and speak to her, but at the same time I can't bring myself to message her... I think deep down my heart knows the truth.

 

Still in the same boat buddy. I woke up beside my ex for 22 years, and its like even though my brain knows shes gone, i still get a millisecond of surprise when I wake up and shes not there, followed by the feeling of despair, which lasts all day.

 

I know this forums all about the NC, and I'm trying too, although in my case its kind of enforced... she wanted a 2 week no contact break. I dont know whats happening after that, I hope we can talk. And yeah I hope we can fix our issues and reconcile. I believe that love conquers, idiot that I am.

 

I think the things you're describing- the routine, the things you do, the enjoyment of her company, aren't separate from loving someone, but are like the lego bricks that someones love life is made of.

 

I know its not the core mission statement of the heartbreak gurus on Loveshack, but you know what Marvelfan? I hope you and your ex can fix your thing and live happily ever after.

 

Good luck either way.

[noun123]

I wake up everyday missing her, and I keep telling myself that it's just loneliness not love, that I'm feeling, with a pinch of guilt.

 

My family are so fed up of me going on about it, they've adopted the, "Well message her to get back with her then, but don't come around here complaining if it all goes wrong".

 

I know she is no good for me, so why do I feel like this... I keep hoping to bump in to her just to see and speak to her, but at the same time I can't bring myself to message her... I think deep down my heart knows the truth.

 

Sounds like your in a more logical place of thinking though MarvelFan. I think that's progress! I agree with you on everything. I miss him terribly and I have to force myself to remember that it wasn't a perfect relationship and it needed to happen or else we would be stuck in the same rut for the rest of our lives. What a terrible thought. At least this pain is temporary as opposed to the regret we would live with. But still, that doesn't seem to make it any easier during these early days.

[MarvelFan1]

Sounds like your in a more logical place of thinking though MarvelFan. I think that's progress! I agree with you on everything. I miss him terribly and I have to force myself to remember that it wasn't a perfect relationship and it needed to happen or else we would be stuck in the same rut for the rest of our lives. What a terrible thought. At least this pain is temporary as opposed to the regret we would live with. But still, that doesn't seem to make it any easier during these early days.

We went on holiday together after 6 months together, and it was the worst holiday I had ever been on. She was cold, miserable, nothing was right and I was constantly getting talked down to and being belittled, no hugging or sex, it was weird. We sat down on evening and she said "I don't think we have ever been this far apart"... she was fine before the holiday and I was happy before the holiday too. The way she acted she made me cry. I told her I was fed up of being her verbal punch bag. So she hugged and apologised. I could do nothing right that holiday.

 

6 months later we were planning our next holiday, and I gave her the benefit of the doubt last time as she had a stressful summer working and a lot going on, and I thought maybe I had done something wrong. When she asked was I excited for our next holiday and I said no, she asked why and I mentioned the above. She then said "Why didn't you tell me then, I'm sorry I promise it won't happen again and this holiday will be better". Then she had a confession about the holiday, she said, "It wasn't your fault, I just wasn't sure if I loved you at the time". I spent those first 6 months (and the ones after) helping her out with things, cooking dinners, little surprises and giving her all my time and love, and that's enough for someone to be a bit iffy about how they feel about you, what more could I have done!??

 

Anyway, the last 2 and a half months of the relationship were terrible, and holiday number 2 was a bit of a downer, but had more good points than the last. The way I see it, if our relationship was that bad after 14 months, how bad would it be after 5 years... Was she worth giving up my own flat, my personal sanctuary, to live together, no.

 

I knew if I would have stayed with her, it would be under false pretences, as I wasn't happy and I didn't love her, her behaviour and actions pushed me away. I'm sure in years to come, she will thank me for breaking up with her. Bar our sense of humour and come films/Tv shows, we had nothing in common, but you don't need to like everything the same (though it does help lots), she was fun to be around, until her true nature started coming through. Starting an argument every weekend just to kiss and make up... and she enjoyed doing that to have make up sex, or to see me apologise to he, so she was in control.

 

What a lucky escape. Still miss her company though some days, messed up, eh.

[noun123]

We went on holiday together after 6 months together, and it was the worst holiday I had ever been on. She was cold, miserable, nothing was right and I was constantly getting talked down to and being belittled, no hugging or sex, it was weird. We sat down on evening and she said "I don't think we have ever been this far apart"... she was fine before the holiday and I was happy before the holiday too. The way she acted she made me cry. I told her I was fed up of being her verbal punch bag. So she hugged and apologised. I could do nothing right that holiday.

 

6 months later we were planning our next holiday, and I gave her the benefit of the doubt last time as she had a stressful summer working and a lot going on, and I thought maybe I had done something wrong. When she asked was I excited for our next holiday and I said no, she asked why and I mentioned the above. She then said "Why didn't you tell me then, I'm sorry I promise it won't happen again and this holiday will be better". Then she had a confession about the holiday, she said, "It wasn't your fault, I just wasn't sure if I loved you at the time". I spent those first 6 months (and the ones after) helping her out with things, cooking dinners, little surprises and giving her all my time and love, and that's enough for someone to be a bit iffy about how they feel about you, what more could I have done!??

 

Anyway, the last 2 and a half months of the relationship were terrible, and holiday number 2 was a bit of a downer, but had more good points than the last. The way I see it, if our relationship was that bad after 14 months, how bad would it be after 5 years... Was she worth giving up my own flat, my personal sanctuary, to live together, no.

 

I knew if I would have stayed with her, it would be under false pretences, as I wasn't happy and I didn't love her, her behaviour and actions pushed me away. I'm sure in years to come, she will thank me for breaking up with her. Bar our sense of humour and come films/Tv shows, we had nothing in common, but you don't need to like everything the same (though it does help lots), she was fun to be around, until her true nature started coming through. Starting an argument every weekend just to kiss and make up... and she enjoyed doing that to have make up sex, or to see me apologise to he, so she was in control.

 

What a lucky escape. Still miss her company though some days, messed up, eh.

 

Again its like we're living the exact same situation. I thought about every 'should-have-been-good' memory and every single one is tainted with some sort of negative aspect that could not have been avoided with him. I couldn't bring issues up, he very bullied me into doing everything he wanted over my wishes, I never came first etc etc.. So while my logical side (which is just so minimal during this grieving period) says wtf, you deserve so much better. All I can think of is everything I love about him and how he'll try to change for the better for someone else. I guess its a mixture of rejection and jealously for me. My worries about him moving on with someone else fills my day with incredible anxiety and pain. I feel like I've done everything in my power to stop it but nothing seems to be working. Strong days and weak days I guess. I booked an appointment with a psychologist next week though, really hoping that can turn things around for me. I know its normal but I hate to look back at wasting half a year to year wallowing in pain:(

[noun123]

Update somewhere around 38 days NC. Having an awful time today. Just stuck in this place of finally accepting the end but not being able to move forward. Today is the strongest pull I have to reach out to him. Just miss him so much its physically hurting so much and I can't focus on anything else. I've been trying to distract myself but sometimes there is just not much to do. Im scared I will reach to him, the anxiety is so strong that I feel like I can't help it. Im so worried he has moved on and its killing me. i would love to but I cant at all.