Small World.. Do I tell her?

[OatsAndHall]

I will reiterate that, although I am not as close to him as I am to her, he and I are still friends. He and I have an odd friendship because we went some seriously disturbing things when we worked together. This may be a bad analogy but he and I bond that is akin to guys that have seen combat together. That may sound like an over exaggeration and disrespectful to veterans but it's the only way I can truly describe it. He and I spent fifty hours a week being attacked by emotionally disturbed, violent teenage boys and had to watch each other's back constantly.

 

Like I said, he saved me from getting seriously injured by a youth. The kid buried a shard of plexi-glass into my shoulder and would have done far more damage if my friend hadn't been on the ball and dragged the kid off of me. We spent a half an hour restraining the kid that night while I bled all over the floor. The emergency support team was caught up in a riot in another unit and couldn't get to us in time.

[grays]

I think it was nice that you warned her. Even if she had dated him anyway, if he did play her, it would be a comfort after thae fact to know that was his modus operandi. It should have been left to the two of them at that point. Chasing him away from her was too much. Maybe they wouldve had something nice. It just wasnt your place to make sure this meeting wasnt going to happen.

[bluefeather]

He and I have an odd friendship because we went some seriously disturbing things when we worked together. This may be a bad analogy but he and I bond that is akin to guys that have seen combat together.

 

That is probably the only reason he didn't tell you to go f yourself. You messed up a chance for these two to hook up.

[SevenCity]

I contacted him last night and laid it all out for him. I let him know that I knew her, we were friends and I warned her to stay away from him. I asked him not to play games with her if he was going to see her. He was angry at first but calmed down and said that he understood where I was coming from and would stay away from her.

 

Then I wake up to this conversation:

 

Her: He told me he didn't want to see me. You contacted him, didn't you?

Me: Yup, I did. I asked him not to play games with you.

Her: Screw that. You told him to stay away from me because you're jealous.

Me: Think what you want, Anna.

Her: Stay the hell out of my personal life. You had no right to interfere! He and I could have had a good thing.

Me: I'm not doing this with you. We've known each other for two and a half decades. If you really want to believe that I'm immature enough to sabotage your love life then that's your call. I was only looking out for you because I didn't want to see you hurt.

Her: Just f-ck off, Oats.

Me: Fair enough.

 

I friggin' knew this was going to end up this way. Her and I have had some tension between us lately because we've been a bit flirty with one another lately. We probably would have ended up dating in the past if we had ever been in the same place and/or single at the same time. We had one awkward conversation about that a few weeks back.

 

Kind of funny how it ends up. I sort things out with the friend who has exceptionally questionable morals and have known for a year and a half but probably lost the friend that I have known since elementary school.

 

And, yes, I agree that I should have approached it more tactfully with her. I have grown weary of hearing her tell tales of heartache and woe over the last year and have tried to avoid the topic on many occasions. A part of my over-reaction was due to a conversation we had recently with regards to to what I feel are her naive and unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating. The last conversation turned into an argument. It revolved around a guy that she claimed she was physically attracted to, had a lot in common with, who treated her well but she didn't feel the "spark" because of his hair style.

 

Wow dude. You don't know when to give up.

 

You've now crossed a line by directly meddling in the dating lives of two consenting adults. What makes you think you know better than the two of them? What makes them wrong and you right?

 

I've left people like this behind in my teenage years. I can't believe you felt you had the right to interject as you did.

 

They could have been right for each other and gotten married. You never know which is why you don't get involved.

 

Now they will both hate you. Is that what you were going for?

[OatsAndHall]

Wow dude. You don't know when to give up.

 

You've now crossed a line by directly meddling in the dating lives of two consenting adults. What makes you think you know better than the two of them? What makes them wrong and you right?

 

I've left people like this behind in my teenage years. I can't believe you felt you had the right to interject as you did.

 

They could have been right for each other and gotten married. You never know which is why you don't get involved.

 

Now they will both hate you. Is that what you were going for?

 

Yup, I got myself involved in a mess, against my better judgement. I didn't do so out of arrogance though; I thought I was keeping her from being hurt. I was reactive on my part as I have heard a lot about both of their dating lives over the last year and a half. She's clear that she's looking for a husband and he's clear (to everyone other than the women he dates) that he is looking to get laid.

 

I guess what sparked my meddling was a conversation her and I had three weeks ago. She messaged me one morning and was very upset about a date the night before. The guy had gotten handsy with her, made her feel uncomfortable and then got upset when she told him to back off. He called her a "f-cking tease" and she was seriously broken up about it.

 

However, it doesn't seem like I can win in this thread. If I stayed out of it, I would have been chastised for not warning her from half of the folks. Getting involved in it has resulted in the opposite from the other half.

[SammySammy]

Yup, I got myself involved in a mess, against my better judgement. I didn't do so out of arrogance though; I thought I was keeping her from being hurt. I was reactive on my part as I have heard a lot about both of their dating lives over the last year and a half. She's clear that she's looking for a husband and he's clear (to everyone other than the women he dates) that he is looking to get laid.

 

I guess what sparked my meddling was a conversation her and I had three weeks ago. She messaged me one morning and was very upset about a date the night before. The guy had gotten handsy with her, made her feel uncomfortable and then got upset when she told him to back off. He called her a "f-cking tease" and she was seriously broken up about it.

 

However, it doesn't seem like I can win in this thread. If I stayed out of it, I would have been chastised for not warning her from half of the folks. Getting involved in it has resulted in the opposite from the other half.

 

Don't take it as being chastised. Some of us had seen this scenario many, many times and knew what would probably happen. That's just experience.

 

Your heart was in the right place. You sincerely tried. Now you have this experience to rely on going forward.

 

Don't beat yourself up. We live and we learn.

[OatsAndHall]

Don't take it as being chastised. Some of us had seen this scenario many, many times and knew what would probably happen. That's just experience.

 

Your heart was in the right place. You sincerely tried. Now you have this experience to rely on going forward.

 

Don't beat yourself up. We live and we learn.

 

Thanks. I am going to give it a few days and reach out to her and apologize. I lose a lot of objectivity when it comes to her as we've known each other for so long and she has been relying heavily on me as of late when it comes to her dating issues. There are times when I feel terrible for her as she is struggling with it and her current station in life in general. There are other times when I am absolutely at a loss because she has met several guys that she describes as wonderful but finds some small fault and won't see them anymore.

 

I have been trying to avoid discussing dating with her, especially after the strange talk that ensued about the potential of her and I dating. But, I should've just put my foot down months ago and tapped out on it. This situation seems to have forced that.

[bluefeather]

However, it doesn't seem like I can win in this thread. If I stayed out of it, I would have been chastised for not warning her from half of the folks. Getting involved in it has resulted in the opposite from the other half.

 

I will say that a lot of times, that will be the case with many threads that are started (half will say to go one way, and half will say to go another). But I wouldn't have chastised you if you had told her in a classy way. The way you went about it was just very crass.

[elaine567]

So is there any chance of you and she dating?

YOU seem to care a lot about her and this "fight" seems to indicate some spark, no?

[JuneL]

So is there any chance of you and she dating?

YOU seem to care a lot about her and this "fight" seems to indicate some spark, no?

 

Ahh, now everything is making sense...

[OatsAndHall]

So is there any chance of you and she dating?

YOU seem to care a lot about her and this "fight" seems to indicate some spark, no?

 

That is a long and complicated story that got a bit more complicated about an hour ago..

 

She actually called me and apologized for getting angry with me and I reciprocated and apologized for melding in her business and being disrespectful in our first conversation. I told her she didn't have anything to apologize for as I was in the wrong. She then proceeded to break down over the phone.. She has become increasingly upset and frustrated about the dating scene, more so than I realized..

 

The conversation went to a place that I really didn't want it to.. She asked me if, deep down, I didn't want her to see him because I have feelings for her. So.. I needed to be honest with her. I told her that I truly was just trying to look out for her but that I do have feelings for her. I mean, we click very well; we have the same sense of humor, love the same movies and music, are both teachers, and we have known each other for a very long time.

 

But, we broached this subject a few weeks ago and we concluded dating wouldn't be a good idea because she lives five hours away from me. We both agreed that a LDR wasn't going to work given that I coach three sports and I am the athletic director of my school. We'd literally never see each other because my life is goes into overdrive from August until May. She stated that she has feelings for me and we talked about the possibility of dating. It's kind of up in the air at the moment.

 

But... The distance is basically a red-herring for me. There's a part of me that would be willing to try and make an LDR work for a year and then move closer to her as I am a math teacher and can land a job pretty much anywhere I want. But she is a devote Hispanic Catholic that wants a large family and she wants it in the near future.. I am an agnostic and would like to raise a family but I'm not in a hurry to do so. I have some issues to work through with that as I had a family with three stepsons but I no longer see them.

 

So, my head is kind of spinning right now.

Edited July 16, 2017 by OatsAndHall

[preraph]

No matter what you tell her, she's probably going out with him anyway. Your loyalty is to him not her, so the very most I'd tell her is "I know he likes to date around," which if it got back to him couldn't get you in much trouble. Of course, this will only open a conversation and then she'll drag you in once she dates him, so you're probably right to just try to stay uninvolved. But she is going to ask him if he knows you and he's going to say "Oh, yeah, we're buds" or something, so you might ought to warn him. Maybe you can both agree to just say "He's a business acquaintance" about each other, thereby trying to minimize any personal involvement or getting put in the middle.

[joseb]

OP. Thanks for coming back with details and about how you feel about the girl.

I got the impression that your intetest in her was more than platonic based on all the interactions.

 

My view is that she doesn't really sound like a good match for you.

[healing light]

Before you even mentioned it based off the first text accusations from her, I had a strong feeling she had feelings for you. I don't think a woman would go off on a man not wanting to see her happy and deliberately blocking her from others unless she was trying to weedle it out of him how he felt about her, nor would I interpret her making a point of shoving it in your face that she still plans to go out with him in any other way than trying to make you jealous. It sounds like there is mutual tension there because you both want more on some level. I think this is the reason she always brings up dating to you, as well. Perhaps to spur you into action.

 

That being said, I think you did the right thing in warning her, though I also think it should have been something along the lines of "you know, when I worked with him, he had a reputation for dating lots of women and wasn't looking for anything serious." Not that you can change that now.

 

The fact that he backed off after you asked him not to play games with her if he went out with her shows to me that he is still just looking to mess around casually.

 

However, all that being said, if she is still attracting the same kind of man...

 

Not liking a guy over his hairstyle? If you do decide to go out with her, be careful. I think it's less likely that she's been shading these nice men in the hopes to spur you into action over the years (though I actually do know a man who turned down viable women for over a decade "waiting" for a specific woman), and more that she may be emotionally unavailable once stuff gets real, and therefore subconsciously sabotages herself by choosing men who are inappropriate.

[5x5]

Yup, I got myself involved in a mess, against my better judgement. I didn't do so out of arrogance though; I thought I was keeping her from being hurt. I was reactive on my part as I have heard a lot about both of their dating lives over the last year and a half. She's clear that she's looking for a husband and he's clear (to everyone other than the women he dates) that he is looking to get laid.

 

Although it is a moot point now, when pressed by her in the first instance on realising you know him I would have said the following. "He's a mate and as far as I'm aware he isn't into long term relationships. Who knows though, maybe you can turn him? That said I've got nothing more to say about him. If you date him, I hope you have fun."

 

Warning her off and him off as well, was interfering in things that for your own good would have been better avoided. As consenting adults they can do as they like, if either of them find themselves disappointed with whatever outcome ensues that's their responsibility, not yours.

 

As to not wanting a long term relationships. When I met my wife I had been divorced for three years. Was not wanting a long term relationship, had been dating plenty of women serially, having sex with most of them, all of whom I dumped.

 

All while sometimes having casual sex and one night stands, which saw me do things like. Having sex with one woman I had just met at a club in the club, followed by going on a date the next day with another woman I met that night just afterwards. Where I then had sex with her the following day on our first date, then dumped her the next day because I didn't like the sex on and on etc.

 

Or I would be with a woman for a few weeks, to a few months, having sex with them for the first time, anywhere from 30 minutes of meeting them through to the fourth date. Although I never cheated on any woman I was with, I wasn't shy about having plenty of sex with different women serially.

 

Yet I met my wife at work, while she was another woman to the first man she had just started having sex with, following her fathers death. Where she thought, at 25 I'm wasting my life saving my virginity for marriage.

 

She then asked me out on a lunch date, where I said yes which she followed with an evening date on the same day, where I spent the night at hers talking and heavy petting. She then dumped the other guy, and we went on another date where she asked me to have sex with her.

 

At the time she was just wanting to have fun as was I, at the same time I had a bet with a mate that I had to have one "winter wench" that lasted through winter.

 

So that became her where my mate also told her about the bet hoping she'd dump me, since she was also a Feminist activist. Yet she didn't dump me and instead just had lots of sex with me and is still sometimes called the "winter wench".

 

After winter I was going to dump her and she was thinking about dumping me as well, yet we enjoyed each other's company a lot and enjoyed consuming each other sexually, so we kept dating. Then she was seriously injured while standing next to me (she required plastic surgery to repair her face), while two others were critically injured (brain damage, multiple fractures and made paraplegics). Following a car cleaning them up at speed (narrowly missing me in slow motion), while we were crossing a road.

 

I then had to look after her, while she recovered, where in the beginning she couldn't walk, shower or go to the toilet without assistance. All while her older Christian siblings who were her only relatives in this country apart from their spouses and children, wouldn't and didn't help her at all.

 

Just over 21 years later we're still together, following 18 years of marriage with successful full-time careers, with two so far accomplished children (16 & 13). All while my wife and I happily share a rich, plentiful and kinky sex life, as has always been the case throughout our relationship.

 

My point though is that sometimes people end up in terrific long term relationships, even when they're not looking for it. So you're better off letting your friends decide who they should and shouldn't date.

[OatsAndHall]

 

However, all that being said, if she is still attracting the same kind of man...

 

Not liking a guy over his hairstyle? If you do decide to go out with her, be careful. I think it's less likely that she's been shading these nice men in the hopes to spur you into action over the years (though I actually do know a man who turned down viable women for over a decade "waiting" for a specific woman), and more that she may be emotionally unavailable once stuff gets real, and therefore subconsciously sabotages herself by choosing men who are inappropriate.

 

You point out many of my other reservations about dating her. At this point, I think she is becoming a little bit obsessive with dating and meeting someone. She's depressed, lonely and thought that she would be married with children by this point in her life.

 

To be honest, her dating life follows one of several patterns; a) she doesn't have much in common with the guy/they're kind of obnoxious, b) she meets up with guys that move too fast physically which makes her extremely uncomfortable or c) decent guys who she manages to find some weird fault in.

 

As I posted before, she has mentioned three guys that she was enthusiastic about but found a some kind of weird fault in them. I have thought long and hard about this and I don't think that she is being picky; I think she is afraid of being hurt by a guy she is into so he bails. I think the last guy's hairstyle was just an excuse to ditch him.

 

I say all of this because she becomes distraught when things go badly on a date. She doesn't take being ghosted well and becomes frustrated when she meets a guy who turns out to be a tool. As I said in an earlier post, I was reactive about this whole situation because she has been so devastated about dates in the past. My mind immediately jumped to a plausible situation of her getting stomped on by my former shift partner and it spooked me.

 

I care about her and have feelings for her but I think that I would end up being one of the "decent guys" (albeit a meddling idiot) that she kicked to the curb. I think we would have a nice long, drawn out honeymoon period because this year would be an LDR but it would come to a screeching halt when I moved back to my hometown.

[knabe]

It is very hard to warn a girl about dating a guy when you have feelings for her and she probably knows you have feelings for her. In fact, it will be hard for you to be objective about anyone she considers dating because you are viewing it through the lens of your romantic interest.

[Art_Critic]

Thoughts?

 

Stay 100% out of it, none of your business...

 

Why meddle in someone's life like that ?

[loverboy69]

Even players and serial daters fall in love eventually. (I said serial daters not serial killers; the latter being the only time I'd get involved).

 

Most relationships fail so if it doesn't work out between your two friends then it's their business.

[OatsAndHall]

Her and I had a long conversation about what life would look like if her and tried dating. It started off with her asking if she could come and visit me before the summer ended and I told her that I didn't think that would be a good idea. That precipitated the discussion about an LDR and my moving back to my home town in a year, assuming it worked out between us.

 

I laid it all out for her as practically as I could. I told her what my schedule was going to look like next year and how little we'd actually be able to see one another. I then told her that I had many reservations about moving back to my hometown and that I was actually considering moving out of state after next school year. I told her that I wasn't comfortable making any big life choices based on an LDR. I told her we would be risking a quality friendship if we threw caution to the wind.

 

She was upset throughout the conversation. She reiterated a lot of "OatsAndHall" logic; we have a lot in common,we've known each other for a long time, we "click" well, and we have a strong mutual respect for one another, we're attracted to each other etc..etc.. These are all things I have said to her when she has found a flaw in what appears to be a good guy and doesn't date them anymore. Needless to say, I didn't have much retort, lol.

 

At the end of it, I told her that I care for her very much, I wanted to keep being friends, and that it was unfortunate that timing and circumstances weren't conducive to a relationship. She ended the conversation as she was starting to get choked up and I haven't heard anything from her since.

 

Such is life, I suppose.

[JuneL]

Ouch, I can imagine how hurt she must be feeling. I suspect reason she "forgave" your meddling with her dating life was that she thought you're interested in dating her.

[OatsAndHall]

Ouch, I can imagine how hurt she must be feeling. I suspect reason she "forgave" your meddling with her dating life was that she thought you're interested in dating her.

 

Maybe so but it's really neither here nor there at this point. I shot down the prospect of us dating for very practical reasons. She may be hurt right now but it's better that it's happened now than in three months when she realizes we are going to be lucky to see each other a handful of times next year.

 

And, to be blunt, she is an elementary school teacher and the school I work at is looking for one right now. I mentioned this to her on several occasions but she's not willing to make a major life choice based on me either. So that goes both ways.

 

Her and I chit-chatted a little bit last night and she made sure to tell me she has a date lined up this weekend. I wished her luck and told her to have fun.