Red123 Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 Interesting that some of your read this as me feeling angry. I was posting it to help some of those of you who seem to think that your husbands won't cheat again because you are ignoring the truth. Wake up and realize that by allowing them another chance you are going to be hurt again and again. If you feel it's a competition and that us OW would have been more than happy to marry him, you are sadly mistaken. Once we are safely away from exMM manipulation we realize we were the lucky ones. This post was only to help paint a picture of the truth and to prevent future heart ache for those who think everything is now better in their marriage years after an affair. These guys almost always cheat again. TRUTH!!! Also us OM/OW have 100% taken responsibility for our part on this. That is one the reasons I am posting here. I am hoping others wake up and realize what they are doing and also for those BS, that they should never let their guard down. It would be foolish to do so. I can see why you are angry. You definitely got thrown under the bus in your situation, why not just own it. The picture you paint is not true for everyone, just as your situation is the not the same as every OW experience. I can say that my H didn't throw the MOW under the bus. She knew us for many years and went into the affair both married herself and knowing he was too. The manipulation you speak of goes both ways. When my H ended things with her before I found out she and her H signed up to volunteer at the fundraiser for my illness, and her H told me he was shocked because they never had anything to do with this charity and they signed up 4 days prior to it. Of course they came and found us at the event. She was not a victim and neither was my H. Believe me when I say that most of us are not naive women. I always find it interesting that some OW think it's crazy that a BS wants to believe their WS has changed and is no longer lying and yet most OW believe what the MM says to them, and believe they don't lie to them. My thoughts are if he can lie to me after 20 years and a tone of history, you don't stand a chance during your 6 month romance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 Also us OM/OW have 100% taken responsibility for our part on this. That is one the reasons I am posting here. Again, another huge general assumption. All I have to do is go to the OW/OM forum and I can find sooooo many that take absolutely no responsibility for their actions. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 But the betrayed spouse usually has no idea of the decisions that are being made behind their backs...that will affect them the rest of their lives.... It is a bit unsettling to me to watch as others who get to make their own decisions...criticize and scrutenize...those who simply were not given the choice. You just get it, you really do. I hope somewhere along the line I have thanked you. Because I do, thank you. John is lucky to have you, you are a true gift, don't ever forget that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Joie Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 All affairs are different. My husband did not blame the OW. I don't care if he gets lap dances at strip clubs. They never had sex at my house because I randomly come home during the day. They did have sex in her car (mainly because my H is a car slob and there is no room in his vehicle). And my H did not love his AP. He wasn't sure if he still loved me but he knew he wasn't in love with her. You are right. He may cheat on me again in the future. I have no way of knowing. However, I do know what happiness looks like right now. Happiness for me is loving my H and him loving me back. So, I am taking a risk by continuing to love him but for me at this moment it is worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 Good. Good. Release your anger! I agree, release your anger but venting in this section isn't the right place to do it. Even more so since you have dislike/no respect at all for your exMM's wife. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 That was heartbreaking to read- your pain is so raw- I've seen many of your posts and you're desperate to feel better, to make sense of your situation and to find peace. I can feel your obession and it's just so sad. I'm hoping you find your peace. Namaste. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 Ahurtgirl., Why do you think that everyone misunderstood your post? Personally I believe it's because of the manner and tone of pretty much all of your posts. There doesn't appear to be ownership for your part in this. You blame everyone else but yourself. You need to self reflect and dig deep within yourself, to understand why you felt having a relationship with a MM was okay and furthermore, one that you knew to be a serial cheat. You got your ring and presumably hoped for a happy ending.... So it's probably a fair assumption that you don't mind being with a serial cheat OR that you thought he'd change once he left her. I can guarantee you that a BS doesn't believe everything her WH says. The times I've talked BWs out of contacting the OW in order to get the truth is an example. They become detectives checking up on their spouse... Is that a sign of trust and belief to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 (edited) Ahurtgirl Please admit it, a big part of this is you wanting to provoke a reaction, right? Rattle a few cages, put people's backs up a bit, be controversial, get some angry responses? I do get it. I think many of us can be like that sometimes. I do really feel for you concerning what happened - all the lies, the future faking, so much time....a diamond ring!........legal action! It's crazy really and you've suffered terribly, and of course so has his wife. If it helps your recovery to be a little bit provocative and controversial on here, then why not? Wishing you all the best x Edited July 13, 2017 by jenkins95 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 OK thanks. That was most helpful. I'll bear it in mind. Feel better now? Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 Sorry AHG, that response was snippy and unkind xx I can see that you posted from the heart. And you make a good point. All any of us can do is live in love and hope. My marriage will never be quite the same, in some ways it is far far better, but always at its heart is a tiny chip of fear. BT (before T - OW's initial) we took each other for granted and were a bit lazy in our relationship - now we don't and we aren't. But because of that tiny chip of fear I have learned a hard but very valuable lesson - to never trust anyone 100% and never never never look to someone else for my security and happiness. I am stronger, happier in myself, more confident and more independent. I am very aware that it might happen again but if it does I won't fall apart like I did the first time. DH is a very lucky man (which he acknowledges) but he is a man that has no more room for f***-ups. He will be gone from my home and my heart and I firmly believe he will be the loser. Its down to him now - that makes if far easier for me to deal with the niggles. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 Folks, this ones not going anyplace good so I'm going to close it up before I have to start sending nasty-grams. ~T 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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