Dating a man that lives at home

[Whodatdog]

By the time I finished reading your post, I was all tensed up.

 

Good riddance.

[act00]

Here's something to toss out there, because I happen to think that fathers who are involved in their children's lives are good men to pursue (if you're okay with a man with children and the stepmother role, even if they are adult children). A man who is never around for his children and never sees his children when he COULD, is a red flag. I'm excluding issues of distance or crazy divorce situations that fathers are powerless to control, despite their efforts.

 

This man is away all week, leaving his elderly mother to raise his child and I have no idea if his mother is capable of raising a child, plus she already raised her babies. On the weekend, rather than spending time with his son and giving his dear mother a break, maybe helping out around the house, repairs, he's dating. The guy doesn't have time to date. He needs to be spending time with his son he never sees all week.

 

You are getting a clear picture of the future. You will be a single mom, M-F. On the weekend, you expect to spend time with him and the kids, and of course there are responsibilities, and that sucks for him, but he's not going to be around because he's been working all week and he wants to relax and not have to take on any responsibility, some of which is the time necessary to devote to some quality time to his family and time with his wife...so you'll be left with the kids all weekend too, and possibly also his mother who may require more and more care as well.

 

Judging by the other posts, the child and the family life are so far from ideal, how you would even consider walking into that is beyond me. I don't know how old your children are, but they're older (teens), but if still in the home, you don't want them exposed to that and blending a family with it. And when they're old enough to get married and produce grandbabies, will they have long since started avoiding you and your "new" family because it's just toxic and there's no way they (or their children) will be involved in that? Consider the future.

 

I was talking to a guy who started out saying there was no drama with the ex. Wellll, there's drama, and the situation with the kids just got worse with each conversation. Before our first date I was questioning if I wanted to take on young children, as mine are nearly grown, and in our conversations, waaay too much drama with the kids as well, and their mother. Nope.

[Popsicle]

You should consider dating men with older children or no children.

[guest569]

You should consider dating men with older children or no children.

 

Or just a mature adult man! It would be fine if this man did not have major flaws to his personality and didn't neglect his own son. I feel sorry for that kid.

[New2this1]

Can you have more kids or do you want to have more kids. He's has his kid to raise and his mom is doing that. This is not a good situation your in. But you both have kids of your own so you both could work but his mom is involved.

 

So it's Him plus his mom, plus his kid, and then you plus your kids. If you think you could cope with that fact, then go for it. But he's free only on the weekend so he has to spend time with his kid then find time for you. Don't forget his mom also. If it was just him and his son I can see it working out for you both, but his mom is a part of the picture. Then you don't want to be his son mom. So you need to get out of this before you get too deep in it.

 

I agree that the dynamics definitely changed once his mother was a bigger part of the situation. She constantly gets upset at him about raising his son because the son doesn't listen. One time, after an argument with his mom, he told me that I never said what I planned to do for his son. I never said I would take his son to school, help with homework, etc. I explained that we are not even married or living together.

Most recently he told me that I wasn't willing to do what his mother would do for his son. He didn't believe that I would care for his son and watch him appropriately. I would allow him to go outside by himself and get hit by a car. My response to him was, why did you want to stay in a relationship with me then? Why did I break up with you, if that's how you felt?

[New2this1]

Here's something to toss out there, because I happen to think that fathers who are involved in their children's lives are good men to pursue (if you're okay with a man with children and the stepmother role, even if they are adult children). A man who is never around for his children and never sees his children when he COULD, is a red flag. I'm excluding issues of distance or crazy divorce situations that fathers are powerless to control, despite their efforts.

 

This man is away all week, leaving his elderly mother to raise his child and I have no idea if his mother is capable of raising a child, plus she already raised her babies. On the weekend, rather than spending time with his son and giving his dear mother a break, maybe helping out around the house, repairs, he's dating. The guy doesn't have time to date. He needs to be spending time with his son he never sees all week.

 

You are getting a clear picture of the future. You will be a single mom, M-F. On the weekend, you expect to spend time with him and the kids, and of course there are responsibilities, and that sucks for him, but he's not going to be around because he's been working all week and he wants to relax and not have to take on any responsibility, some of which is the time necessary to devote to some quality time to his family and time with his wife...so you'll be left with the kids all weekend too, and possibly also his mother who may require more and more care as well.

 

Judging by the other posts, the child and the family life are so far from ideal, how you would even consider walking into that is beyond me. I don't know how old your children are, but they're older (teens), but if still in the home, you don't want them exposed to that and blending a family with it. And when they're old enough to get married and produce grandbabies, will they have long since started avoiding you and your "new" family because it's just toxic and there's no way they (or their children) will be involved in that? Consider the future.

 

I was talking to a guy who started out saying there was no drama with the ex. Wellll, there's drama, and the situation with the kids just got worse with each conversation. Before our first date I was questioning if I wanted to take on young children, as mine are nearly grown, and in our conversations, waaay too much drama with the kids as well, and their mother. Nope.

 

 

You made some some very valid points and I was definitely concerned about being a single step-mom. I've been a single mother and it's challenging yet rewarding. With him gone M-F and not taking full responsibility for his son, I feel like he just wants someone to step in and take on his responsibility. I wouldn't mind if he were home every night. I would gladly help out and share the responsibility but I think it's unfair to put the full responsibility on someone else.

[BC1980]

I agree that the dynamics definitely changed once his mother was a bigger part of the situation. She constantly gets upset at him about raising his son because the son doesn't listen. One time, after an argument with his mom, he told me that I never said what I planned to do for his son. I never said I would take his son to school, help with homework, etc. I explained that we are not even married or living together.

Most recently he told me that I wasn't willing to do what his mother would do for his son. He didn't believe that I would care for his son and watch him appropriately. I would allow him to go outside by himself and get hit by a car. My response to him was, why did you want to stay in a relationship with me then? Why did I break up with you, if that's how you felt?

 

He can't expect you to pick his son up from school and help him with his homework if you aren't even engaged or married. I have mixed feelings about helping a man raise his child if you aren't married to him because I did that for 3 years, and I later regretted it. It ends up in a situation where you feel used and like the nanny. Resentment sets in. I do think it's helpful to have boundaries when the child is not your biological child. If you are married, that is a different story. But just dating, I think there should be some boundaries.

 

And certainly, you are correct. Why would anyone stay in a relationship with a person they didn't trust their child with? That kind of statement just reinforces the idea that he's not serious about you, and this isn't going anywhere.

[BC1980]

You made some some very valid points and I was definitely concerned about being a single step-mom. I've been a single mother and it's challenging yet rewarding. With him gone M-F and not taking full responsibility for his son, I feel like he just wants someone to step in and take on his responsibility. I wouldn't mind if he were home every night. I would gladly help out and share the responsibility but I think it's unfair to put the full responsibility on someone else.

 

I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to be a single stepmom. Because that is what you would be every other week. It would probably cause relationship problems too. I've just been where you are in some ways. I was with a man who was a single dad and needed a lot of help. He never asked me, but I stepped in because I loved his son and wanted to help. It kind of turned into a nightmare and caused a lot of problems in the end. This child was also undisciplined, so it was like good cop, bad cop with me and the dad. I was always the bad guy because I had rules and expectations. The guy I dated was kind of absentee in a lot of ways too because of his job, so I ended up being around his son more than him.

 

I started to feel a lot resentment over time because, if we're being real honest, I was the primary caregiver to his son. And we weren't even married. So yeah, resentment starts to set in, and I think it's best you cut your losses here. You only have one life to live, and it's a pity to waste good, healthy years of your life on dead end situations. Take it as a learning lesson, and move on to greener pastures.

[New2this1]

He can't expect you to pick his son up from school and help him with his homework if you aren't even engaged or married. I have mixed feelings about helping a man raise his child if you aren't married to him because I did that for 3 years, and I later regretted it. It ends up in a situation where you feel used and like the nanny. Resentment sets in. I do think it's helpful to have boundaries when the child is not your biological child. If you are married, that is a different story. But just dating, I think there should be some boundaries.

 

And certainly, you are correct. Why would anyone stay in a relationship with a person they didn't trust their child with? That kind of statement just reinforces the idea that he's not serious about you, and this isn't going anywhere.

 

I agree 100%. His demands were so unreasonable that I was initially baffled. I felt like our relationship needed to be solid and we needed to be married before I was expected to take on these responsibilities.

 

If he felt that way about me, I couldn't understand why he wanted to continue a relationship with me. That's why I broke up with him. Constantly finding ways to criticize me under the guise of constructive criticism. However, I had to take the rose colored glasses off and look at what he as a man was bringing to the table.

I own my home, cars are paid off, great salary, and very independent. Him, lives with mom, irresponsible, lazy, and uses religion to judge others.

Although I broke up with him, I'm finding it hard to go NC. I know I need to him because the conversations consist of nothing but finger pointing, rehashing old issues, and there is no resolution. Yet, we are broken up. At the end of the conversation, I'm sad, again.

I'm really trying to understand what I gain from speaking with him. He was initially very silent and said nothing when I broke things of. Now, he's telling me all of the reasons why he doesn't see it working. I really need to stop subjecting myself to this because it's the same conversation. NOT productive at all.

[BC1980]

I'm really trying to understand what I gain from speaking with him. He was initially very silent and said nothing when I broke things of. Now, he's telling me all of the reasons why he doesn't see it working. I really need to stop subjecting myself to this because it's the same conversation. NOT productive at all.

 

I think there could be several reasons. At the heart of it, we all want a companion, and we get lonely. So even if a relationship is bad, it can be hard to leave. We have fears of being alone forever, so we think it's best to take what we can get. It's also destabilizing to go through a breakup. You have to change your habits, ect. It's emotionally difficult, you are realigning your priorities. I think most of us hate change, and we strive for stability. So we try to stay the course. It's the devil you know theory.

 

A big one is that we don't want to ditch the time and effort we put into the relationship. That's a tough one because we all go into a relationship hoping it can work and be something permanent. It's hard to let go of that.

[New2this1]

It's the devil you know theory.

 

A big one is that we don't want to ditch the time and effort we put into the relationship. That's a tough one because we all go into a relationship hoping it can work and be something permanent. It's hard to let go of that.

 

It is very hard to let go of the familiar. Just thinking about dating makes me uncomfortable. One of my coworkers would always say "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know". This was in reference to changing companies. However, I don't agree with this adage.

 

Just trying to take it one day at a time. I'm really thankful for the support here.

[New2this1]

My ex's mother does my manicures and pedicures. I really like the way she does them and she has really grown my nails. However, I made my appointment not thinking that he would be there and he was (his mother does this from her home). Since he is typically gone during this time, I was quite surprised he was there.

As I was waiting to get my nails done and looking at my phone, he snatched it from me and went through my call log. He called someone back and confronted me about our conversation. He later text me to meet him for drinks, in which I did. Conversation went fine.

The next day I went to the car and bike show and he asked for pictures. I sent them and got no response. The next day I called and we spoke and the conversation went badly. Even though we're broken up, he said that he doesn't trust me and that it messes with his head when he's out on the road. He thinks I am having sex with someone else and I'm a skilled liar. He says he wants to be friends and that he's not interested in getting back together.

At first, I felt that we could establish trust and try to rebuild our relationship. However, he insisted that it's to broken. Not sure why, all of the sudden, I thought about working through the relationship. I broke up with him because he was demeaning and constantly calling me names. He feels religiously superior to me, although, he doesn't practice what he preaches. I've never seem him go to church, yet he says that he has powers from God that I don't understand.

Yet, he wants to be friends with me. He doesn't respect me and tells me that I'll be having sex with someone tomorrow because that's how I am. I've decided that I'm going no contact because he is not a friend. He's very disrespectful and constantly hurting my feelings and making me sad.

I'm here for support because I'm determined to get him completely out of my life.

[Zahara]

I'm here for support because I'm determined to get him completely out of my life.

 

If you are determined to get him out of your life --

 

1. You need to block him and remove him form every form of contact. There are no exceptions.

 

2. Find someone else to do you your nails. Your emotional and mental wellbeing is much more important than your nails.

 

3. You need to cut communication with his mother.

 

The priority is moving and and doing everything you can to put him behind you.

[elaine567]

As I was waiting to get my nails done and looking at my phone, he snatched it from me and went through my call log. He called someone back and confronted me about our conversation.

 

Why on earth did you allow him to do this^^^^?

 

He later text me to meet him for drinks, in which I did. Conversation went fine.

 

...and why did you then agree to go for drinks?????

 

He has no respect for you whatsoever.

[Zahara]

 

He has no respect for you whatsoever.

 

Second this.

[angel.eyes]

Why on earth did you allow him to do this^^^^?

 

 

 

...and why did you then agree to go for drinks?????

 

He has no respect for you whatsoever.

 

And OP, you have no self-respect! Why on earth would you allow a guy you aren't even dating to snatch your phone and start calling people you've communicated with?!? Why would you reward someone who accuses you of being a skilled liar and cheating on him by going out to drinks with him???

 

Someone who is obsessed with you cheating on them when you aren't is usually cheating themselves. That's where the obsession comes from. He's a trucker on the road all week. Get yourself STD tested!

 

Did he ever pay you back the $5000 you loaned him?

 

It's clear what he gets out of this. He uses you. But you are also getting something out of this since you refuse to permanently end what is a very dysfunctional relationship. What are you getting from being with him?

 

Until you are honest about what you get out of this, it's an exercise in futility for us to keep telling you to leave.

[New2this1]

And OP, you have no self-respect! Why on earth would you allow a guy you aren't even dating to snatch your phone and start calling people you've communicated with?!? Why would you reward someone who accuses you of being a skilled liar and cheating on him by going out to drinks with him???

 

Someone who is obsessed with you cheating on them when you aren't is usually cheating themselves. That's where the obsession comes from. He's a trucker on the road all week. Get yourself STD tested!

 

Did he ever pay you back the $5000 you loaned him?

 

It's clear what he gets out of this. He uses you. But you are also getting something out of this since you refuse to permanently end what is a very dysfunctional relationship. What are you getting from being with him?

 

Until you are honest about what you get out of this, it's an exercise in futility for us to keep telling you to leave.

 

Wow, that was very harsh. I shared my journey/story because I'm trying to get through this situation with help. However, I didn't expect sympathy but insight into the situation.

I'm not having sex with him so no need to get an STD check. Haven't been intimate in a while.

[elaine567]

Wow, that was very harsh. I shared my journey/story because I'm trying to get through this situation with help. However, I didn't expect sympathy but insight into the situation.

I'm not having sex with him so no need to get an STD check. Haven't been intimate in a while.

 

OK but many people who are obsessed about their partner cheating, which your man seems to be, are "projecting".

They are the ones who are cheating, and because they know how easy it is to deceive someone, they assume their partner is also cheating, hence the continual accusations.

If your man is cheating then you are at risk of STDS, and as a woman you may be completely symptomless, but STDs can affect your future fertility and health.

Please get yourself checked.

 

We all have a lot of sympathy for you here, it is not easy leaving a man who has a lot of hold on you.

BUT you have a lot of things going for you and it is frustrating for posters to see how much this man has undermined you and eaten away at your confidence and self esteem.

He is NOT a good guy, not in any way, please stay firm in your resolve to leave him.

[Zahara]

Wow, that was very harsh. I shared my journey/story because I'm trying to get through this situation with help. However, I didn't expect sympathy but insight into the situation.

I'm not having sex with him so no need to get an STD check. Haven't been intimate in a while.

 

What's harsh is the way you've allowed this man to treat you. Nothing can be worse than the leeway you've allowed him, even at this point.

 

The reality and truth hurts.

 

It's time you start taking proactive steps to self-preserve.

[BC1980]

My ex's mother does my manicures and pedicures. I really like the way she does them and she has really grown my nails. However, I made my appointment not thinking that he would be there and he was (his mother does this from her home). Since he is typically gone during this time, I was quite surprised he was there.

As I was waiting to get my nails done and looking at my phone, he snatched it from me and went through my call log. He called someone back and confronted me about our conversation. He later text me to meet him for drinks, in which I did. Conversation went fine.

The next day I went to the car and bike show and he asked for pictures. I sent them and got no response. The next day I called and we spoke and the conversation went badly. Even though we're broken up, he said that he doesn't trust me and that it messes with his head when he's out on the road. He thinks I am having sex with someone else and I'm a skilled liar. He says he wants to be friends and that he's not interested in getting back together.

At first, I felt that we could establish trust and try to rebuild our relationship. However, he insisted that it's to broken. Not sure why, all of the sudden, I thought about working through the relationship. I broke up with him because he was demeaning and constantly calling me names. He feels religiously superior to me, although, he doesn't practice what he preaches. I've never seem him go to church, yet he says that he has powers from God that I don't understand.

Yet, he wants to be friends with me. He doesn't respect me and tells me that I'll be having sex with someone tomorrow because that's how I am. I've decided that I'm going no contact because he is not a friend. He's very disrespectful and constantly hurting my feelings and making me sad.

I'm here for support because I'm determined to get him completely out of my life.

 

Powers from God? He sounds delusional, and he is demeaning you to make himself feel better that you left him. Don't go back to his mom for your nails. There are a million places to get your nails done. I would have flipped if he had snatched my phone from my hand, and I don't get excited about too much. The further away from him you can get the better.

[angel.eyes]

Wow, that was very harsh. I shared my journey/story because I'm trying to get through this situation with help. However, I didn't expect sympathy but insight into the situation.

 

It's harsh to tell you you have no self-respect when you don't, but him calling you all types of names, treating you with contempt, being abusive, and using you is acceptable behavior to you. Take a step back and really examine why you stick around an abusive user year after year. Until you figure that one out, you'll keep running back to him for more of the same.

 

By the way, that's the insight on how to break the cycle.

 

I'm not having sex with him so no need to get an STD check. Haven't been intimate in a while.

It's beyond irrelevant that you aren't sleeping with him now. If you had any sexual contact with him in the past, get yourself tested. With his obsession about you cheating (when you aren't), I wouldn't be surprised if he turned out to be a roving Petri dish of STIs.

 

Did you get your $5,000 back from him?

[elaine567]

 

Did you get your $5,000 back from him?

 

Yes she did thankfully.

 

He paid me back the $5000

 

If you cannot stay broken up with this guy for yourself then break up with him for your poor grandson, whose life is being made a hell by his bully of a son.

[JuneL]

My ex's mother does my manicures and pedicures. I really like the way she does them and she has really grown my nails. However, I made my appointment not thinking that he would be there and he was (his mother does this from her home). Since he is typically gone during this time, I was quite surprised he was there.

 

 

Can you answer this question honestly: Did you just want to find an excuse to interact with your ex?

[New2this1]

Can you answer this question honestly: Did you just want to find an excuse to interact with your ex?

 

I honestly did not know that he would be there at that time. When I set the appointment it was prior to breaking up. However, hindsight is 20/20. I should have canceled and went somewhere else.

 

I have went no contact. I agree with most of the posts here. He was very disrespectful towards me and that is the reason the relationship ended. Now I plan to completely stay away because I definitely respect myself.

[New2this1]

Yes she did thankfully.

 

 

 

If you cannot stay broken up with this guy for yourself then break up with him for your poor grandson, whose life is being made a hell by his bully of a son.

 

Thank you Elaine for restating what was already written and providing great insight and support. You are absolutely correct, I definitely need to stay broken up for both myself and my grandson.