Keeping your EX's Last Name

[Lily blue]

I kept my Ex's last name not because I wanted to keep but because it is too much hassle to change and cost ton of money for me to change back.

I will change as soon as I get re-marry.

[Els]

But if it's totally up to me, I'd adopt Brangelina's approach: they each kept the original last name and combined their last names for their kids (Jolie-Pitt).

 

Makes sense to me. The Chan-Zuckerberg kid is another great example.

 

If I was with a man who otherwise expected an egalitarian/modern relationship (splitting bills, etc), this would be my expectation. Given that my SO accords me the benefits of tradition (him being the provider etc), it's only fair that I accord him similar benefits, so if we did have a child I'm happy for the kid to take his name, as is the norm in our culture.

 

I just really cannot understand how Western society is so modern/egalitarian in other ways and yet so very, very archaic in this one.

[Shepp]

I just really cannot understand how Western society is so modern/egalitarian in other ways and yet so very, very archaic in this one.

i guess its one of those things that is only weird when you actually think about it because its such a normal part of western culture that people almost accept it without thinking to much about what it actually means!

 

I think the Icelandic way is pretty interesting, where Jon Markson has children named Dennis Jonsson and Fran Jonsdottir!

But then Iceland also limits what first names you can give to your kids as well!

 

My kids names are double barrelled though, because we werent married until after my sons were born and then it didnt make sense to have their names double barrelled and my daughters not be so they are all Jett-Shepherd, in spite of the fact my wife definitely bares no particular emotional attachment to her surname!!

[somanymistakes]

I think the Icelandic way is pretty interesting, where Jon Markson has children named Dennis Jonsson and Fran Jonsdottir!

 

Would kind of make more sense if they were based off the mother's name rather than the father's, since you KNOW who the mother is, lol...

[knabe]

I think it's a bit presumptive to call taking a spouse's last name archaic. I thought tolerance was all about respecting other people's choices and such.....

 

including the choice to keep the same name as kids after a divorce.

[somanymistakes]

It's not that taking a spouse's last name is archaic, it's that EXPECTING everyone to do it and shunning them if they don't is archaic.

 

i've heard of people having serious trouble with paperwork because businesses refused to accept that the husband and wife had different last names, or that the wife wanted to be called 'Ms' instead of 'Mrs'. even in 2017!

[Mysterio]

My Friend B says that he is not marying his GF, because she wants to keep her maiden name. So its this crazyness that I don't get.

 

I wonder what it means for women who keep the ex's last name and don't go back to the original. Or keep it hyphenated with the maiden name. Or just keep the maiden name intact and put Mrs. in front of their maiden name.

 

We live in a world where Divorce and break ups are reality. I have said this in other posts. The reality of at least 50 % of us is that we will be going in and out of relationship until we hit Heaven or the afterlife. All Marriage and having kids do is slow it down. If my friends all get divorced from their SO. None of them are going to the grave with out another relationship.

[MissBee]

I wonder what you all think of this. My buddy D is living with his GF who still keeps her ex's last name, and has not finished divorcing him and she has two bio kids with D. Boy almost 2. Girl 6 months. She also has two kids with her ex.

 

When conversation comes up about the divorce. D has no idea where her and the ex stand. It looks to me like the ex is holding things up, even though he has a GF now. D and his gf F have been together since Feb of 2013. So 4 yrs now.

 

Do you think she is playing him and why keep the last name albeit hiphenated with her own family name. She even has her ex's name on her facebook page.

 

What a mess. Sometimes I say thank god I am single.

 

Many people keep their ex's surname, especially if they had it for a very long time and a lot of their business and so forth is conducted under that name.

 

I personally don't care about taking someone's last name, that doesn't really hold any significance for me, so I don't really plan on changing mine, except beyond superficially, where if I really just like theirs then I'd do it . But even in my career most women just keep their own name as you can change spouses but your name is yours so keeping your own name is often more stable.

 

I would not see keeping an ex's last name as a red flag. Why they aren't divorced completely may be more important

[Els]

i guess its one of those things that is only weird when you actually think about it because its such a normal part of western culture that people almost accept it without thinking to much about what it actually means!

 

I think the Icelandic way is pretty interesting, where Jon Markson has children named Dennis Jonsson and Fran Jonsdottir!

But then Iceland also limits what first names you can give to your kids as well!

 

 

Interesting! I knew of some Asian cultures that name their kids like that (e.g. most Indian cultures) but had no idea that was done in Iceland too!

 

Yeah, I agree, it's normal to not question a culture you were brought up in. I got a lot of culture shocks when I moved to a Western country. For one thing, that was the first time I ever saw a couple go dutch in a restaurant. It just had never occurred to me that couples do this. I suppose you never know what you don't know until you experience it.

 

Re: the last name changing, I actually used to wonder why some women (in magazine articles, on LS, etc) complained about it. My thought was, is it really so bad to be called Mrs Husbandsname? Then my rental agent changed the name she used on her official correspondence to me. I couldn't figure out what was going on at first until I realized, holy ****, they are LITERALLY changing their names!

 

After that I never wondered what all the debate was about anymore. I really can't imagine literally changing the legal name I was born with. Will never do it. Fortunately the SO is from the same culture as I am, where legal name changing is unheard of.

[Shepp]

Interesting! I knew of some Asian cultures that name their kids like that (e.g. most Indian cultures) but had no idea that was done in Iceland too!

It is interesting, but its not something that this western boy can really get his head around, it seems so ridged and unflexiable I believe that you should be able to call yourself whatever you want, and call your kids whatever you want, having actual legislation over what you can call your kids (first and last names) seems so strange to me.

 

Yeah, I agree, it's normal to not question a culture you were brought up in. I got a lot of culture shocks when I moved to a Western country. For one thing, that was the first time I ever saw a couple go dutch in a restaurant. It just had never occurred to me that couples do this. I suppose you never know what you don't know until you experience it.

I thought it was funny when i first came on here and everyone was talking about the 'exclusivity talk' because its just not something that i had (or have) ever come across in the UK! (and thats just a tiny little thing, so it tells you how massive some differences in culture can be!)

 

I really can't imagine literally changing the legal name I was born with. Will never do it. Fortunately the SO is from the same culture as I am, where legal name changing is unheard of.

Yeah, when i was kid, if i ever imagined having family of my own, i would always assume they would carry my family surname, with no real thought to what that means, other than that it simply was the standard thing. But, actually, after meeting my wife, i'm actually quite please that my kids carry her name as well as mine because - im so in love with the girl, and i think because of that i love the sound of her name, genuinely, and i honestly get a kick out of seeing her (maiden) name next to mine after our kids names!

[Mysterio]

I have decided to make my views known to the both of them. This will help them get on track and not be held hostage marriage wise to DT's

girl friend'sex husband. Who has his own Girl friend at the moment.

 

So I will be doing that this August. I do think because DT and F his GF are conflict avoidant, that the kids are going to grow up with the murkyness of their parents not being able to marry, because their mom can't get divorced from her first husband. Its not like there was any major rush to have kids and live together from the get go. DT says he did not want it to go that way.

 

The only thing he could have said after a year of dating or even before is that she get divorced before they have kids or live together. Its like F is not wanting to see a lawyer and pay for a lawyer to sort things out, but she has no problem letting herself get pregnant, basically forcing DT to move in with her and await their first child in 2015.

 

Then they had another child which they did not plan for this past Feb 2016. I don't feel I am obsessed. Once I get this out in the open. They will be able to thrive by getting a divorce from F's ex husband. Their kids won't be in any Murkyness when they come of age. They will have two married parents. Not a Mom who is legally married to her first husband that can't marry their dad.

 

I have talked to them in the past about things I did not like and they accpeted it. So its not like this is going to be a surprise. It will get the ball rolling. If i was in a situation like that. I would want my close friend to chime in.

 

All it will do is spark them into just seeing a lawyer and paying the money for a divorce and they won't have kids in their teens confused on the status of their parents.

Edited July 28, 2017 by Mysterio

[knabe]

I have decided to make my views known to the both of them. This will help them get on track and not be held hostage marriage wise to DT's

girl friend'sex husband. Who has his own Girl friend at the moment.

 

So I will be doing that this August. I do think because DT and F his GF are conflict avoidant, that the kids are going to grow up with the murkyness of their parents not being able to marry, because their mom can't get divorced from her first husband. Its not like there was any major rush to have kids and live together from the get go. DT says he did not want it to go that way.

 

The only thing he could have said after a year of dating or even before is that she get divorced before they have kids or live together. Its like F is not wanting to see a lawyer and pay for a lawyer to sort things out, but she has no problem letting herself get pregnant, basically forcing DT to move in with her and await their first child in 2015.

 

Then they had another child which they did not plan for this past Feb 2016. I don't feel I am obsessed. Once I get this out in the open. They will be able to thrive by getting a divorce from F's ex husband. Their kids won't be in any Murkyness when they come of age. They will have two married parents. Not a Mom who is legally married to her first husband that can't marry their dad.

 

I have talked to them in the past about things I did not like and they accpeted it. So its not like this is going to be a surprise. It will get the ball rolling. If i was in a situation like that. I would want my close friend to chime in.

 

All it will do is spark them into just seeing a lawyer and paying the money for a divorce and they won't have kids in their teens confused on the status of their parents.

 

Wow, your arrogance is astounding. It's hard to express how inappropriate and controlling this is.

[JuneL]

OP: Where are your boundaries?

[JuneL]

 

I do think because DT and F his GF are conflict avoidant

 

 

I have talked to them in the past about things I did not like and they accpeted it.

 

Do you see any connection between these two quotes? Two conflict avoidant people let their controlling friend meddle with their personal lives without telling him it's not his business.

 

 

 

All it will do is spark them into just seeing a lawyer and paying the money for a divorce and they won't have kids in their teens confused on the status of their parents.

 

OP: Why don't you just pay for their divorce?

[Mysterio]

As I have stated in past posts. My friend DT and his of CF are in a situation where CF looked him up DT, as they were ex's in their early 20's. After three yrs of being separated from her ex husband who she is still technically married to.

 

DT/CF dated for 2 yrs. The she got pregnant. He moved in with her, then they just had another kid this past winter.

 

So DT is basically living with his GF and their 2 bio kids together and CF other big kids who are teenagers.

 

So whats your take. Do you think if they don't get CF's marriage to her ex to Divorce, that the kids will be messed up. DT does not know what the hold up is. CF's Ex, J. He has a gf for about a year now. There is no property issues. The kids get child support. I don't understand why J won't get the divorce rolling. Its not like he wants CF back. Even if he does. She now comes with two other kids.

 

I don't know who started the separtion. I doubt it was J. I think its CF, although I don't have that confirmation.

 

Anyways. If DT/CF don't get this handled. What do you think the long term impact on the kids will be. I think the kids will have a murky sense of what love and what a couple should be like. Since at least 80 % of the kids around them. Their parents will be most likley married.

 

Even as I struggle with dating. I dated a separated woman 2 yrs ago. I feel we did not have a chance because she was separated and I was agitated that she was trying to date, while being separated. Why not just go straight to divorce first before joining a dating site. Not doing so. You are playing with other peoples lives. Although on my side. I guess I could have just not try with her and ignore the women that are separated.

[basil67]

You've talked about these guys before. I know it worries you, but is your mate concerned?

 

If the kids are loved and treated respectfully by all parties, I can't see any long term impact on them.

[Mysterio]

The Daughter a couple of months ago stated that her mom can't talk about lasting love, because the mother only lasted 7 yrs with her father. This is coming from a 13 yr old and this was in front of me and her friend and DT, her bio brother J as well, when we sat down for Dinner after. She did not seem happy. The brother J is skipping school as well. They don't know if he will graduate on time.

 

These are situations with just the big kids. When DT told me about the second bio child coming. He did not seem overjoyed. More like an extra burden.

 

When I see CF. She just comes off as la dei da. There seems to be no thinking about the impact of things. My buddy to me does not exhibit a Parental presence with his Almost step kids. If J wants to skip school. Its not like DT can lay down the law. If that was me with the mother. Maybe 2 weeks I would plan some conversation about that if not sooner. I would not let that slide.

Edited September 29, 2017 by Mysterio

[somanymistakes]

Since it seems relevant to the subject:

 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/my-marriage-was-over-why-couldnt-i-get-my-old-name-back/2017/09/28/622be980-a3d5-11e7-b14f-f41773cd5a14_story.html?tid=ss_fb&utm_term=.9d7cabfed23d

[knabe]

Honestly, I find people who are obsessively interested in the lives of others more disturbing than who does what with their name after divorce.

[Springsummer]

Makes sense to me. The Chan-Zuckerberg kid is another great example.

 

If I was with a man who otherwise expected an egalitarian/modern relationship (splitting bills, etc), this would be my expectation. Given that my SO accords me the benefits of tradition (him being the provider etc), it's only fair that I accord him similar benefits, so if we did have a child I'm happy for the kid to take his name, as is the norm in our culture.

 

I just really cannot understand how Western society is so modern/egalitarian in other ways and yet so very, very archaic in this one.

 

this is a huge mess too.

 

what if Chan-Zuckerberg's kid marry a Jolie-pitt kid?

 

so the last name will be Chan-Zuckerberg- Jolie-pitt? and on and on...

 

[Mysterio]

Let me put another angle at this. My buddy GB won't marry his GF of 10 yrs because she won't take his last name/wants it hyphenated. Even though they have 3 kids together.

 

Back to DT. If DT's GF finally gets her divorce and marries DT. Is she going to have three names. Which is T from DT. F from her ex JF and her maiden name C. What if for whatever reason DT after being married to her for awhile. What if he calls its quits and he divorces her. C now remarries a new guy. She does not like to be alone. Is she going to carry another hyphenated name brining her to 4 last names. Thats insanity.

 

C should just get her divorce from JF. Marry DT and have DT's last name. Since her kids by that time will be late teens. The Teens are already in a situation where there parents are not legally divorced going on year 8, and both parents have partners that they can't marry, because a Divorce has not happened. So whats the big deal if there mom does not carry the last name. Their Step mom frpm the dad side if they marry, pending JF gets a Divorce from CF, can have it.

 

The older son got into a debate with DT that DT's new bio son with CF, was going to have his last name, which is his fathers last name. You see how crazy this is. All because CF can't just sit down with her ex and get divorced.

Edited September 30, 2017 by Mysterio

[lana-banana]

There's insanity here for sure, but I don't think it's coming from any of the consenting adults raising blended families that you describe. Why is it so important to you to control your friend's relationship?

[Mysterio]

For myself. I can't see my EX gf TK. Breaking up with her current hubby. Looking me up, then we build a life with her being legally married to her ex and we also include bio-kids with each other and raise her other big kids. Its all going to work out well.

 

Either way. Its a recipie for disaster. DT and I have had conversations before. I guess it makes it hard for me to be around his current GF. I just feel like she is allowing her Ex to call the shots and thats not right.

[Els]

OP, WHY are you so obsessed with this couple???? Do you have a secret crush on the guy or something???

 

this is a huge mess too.

 

what if Chan-Zuckerberg's kid marry a Jolie-pitt kid?

 

so the last name will be Chan-Zuckerberg- Jolie-pitt? and on and on...

 

 

They can choose their own name. Maybe Chazuckoliepitt.

[Els]

I think it's a bit presumptive to call taking a spouse's last name archaic. I thought tolerance was all about respecting other people's choices and such.....

 

Sorry I missed this. As I explicitly said in my initial post, I have nothing against the choice anyone makes to take their spouse's last name. It is the expectation that all women should do so solely because of their gender that I find archaic.