i don't understand, any male insights?

[FailedFirstLove]

I've told him I can't be friends with him now. That's all we've said last and I told him I'm going to see a psychologist cause I'm not in the right space and I hope he will too. He knows he was becoming abusive and he has his wrong. I definitely had my contributions in the wrong but we would only be able to work it out when we aren't messed up and if we both are willing to.

 

I'm not ok with being a door mat because I have my own issues to deal with. In the time that we were communicating his emotions were all over the place and it made me worse that's the reason the psychologist told me I had to step away because neither of us are doing each other any good.

 

And the time with the psychologist we ended up just talking about him and what's going on with him but end of the day no matter how much I try he just won't let me.

[FailedFirstLove]

Sometimes you feel that you don't really want to be there to handle all the stuff for people anymore. If that's how you feel - then it's okay to leave. But leaving someone at their lowest, people don't forget that either. But it's okay - people would rather you leave than stay and pretend you want to be there for them and then leave later when it doesn't look that bad (my case).

 

 

 

It's not that I don't want to. But when I try to talk to him, anything sets him off. And he said he is doing the same to his family. He has made him mum cry so many times now. I just felt like I was sitting there waiting for him unsure of what mood he would be in. Whether he was going to lose it that day or be reasonably ok.

I don't ask about his uncle or grandma anymore because he doesn't want to talk about it. So I don't know how they are gong

[whatnot]

Relationships are "relational". They are a dance of different traits between two people. A dance of strengths and weaknesses that each separate party brings to the relationship....and it's these strengths and weaknesses that makes up a relationship. Each individual brings their own strengths and weaknesses...and these strengths and weaknesses "compliment" each other to form a "relationship". We're all different....but when we find another human being who's strengths and weaknesses compliment our own in a good way....we like that...and we want more of it. There's a "Balance"...that's occurring in all relationships. So...kinda like an apple cart. The apples are arranged in a certain way.

 

Things can happen that upsets the apple cart. (Upset the Apple Cart meaning, definition....

"Upset the apple cart" just means to upset things and cause disorder. "Things were running smoothly in the office until Paul upset the apple cart by changing the software.".)

 

 

 

FailedFirstLove.... it's been said...."A cancer diagnosis will either strengthen a relationship....or kill it. But change it....it will".

 

What that is referring to is that these ways we have of keeping our relationships going with our virtues and weaknesses can be upset when anything...or a combination of things...intrude into the relationship....to change the order of things. Suddenly....one of the parties'....who's job it was to fulfill a certain role....that person can no longer fulfill that role....and it "tests" the relationship. The relationship must either change or die.

 

 

It sounds to me as if you were peddling as fast as each of you could to keep this relationship going. You were both working...each in your own way...to make things continue to work out. But then....things began to happen...that made you man not be able to fulfill his end of the bargain. And when this happened....it caused what you were bringing to the relationship to not work anymore either. So the relationship failed "FailedFirstLove".

 

This is not uncommon. It happens a lot.

 

It was clear to me....that when I got a health diagnosis that was going to take a lot of my energies,...that it would probably be the end of my relationship with my ex. And it was. I could no longer bring to the table the energy required to keep up my end of the relationship. It took *a lot* of investment on my part to keep that relationship alive. It took a lot of my energy. I loved her very much. But...I just could not give what I had been able to in the past to keep the relationship going anymore. My energies had to be diverted away from the relationship....and into a different direction.

 

 

This does not mean that I did not love this person. It just means I couldn't do what I had been doing in the past. And the relationship failed.

 

 

 

This is what is happening with your relationship FailedFirstLove. Whatever was going on before life began testing the relationship...whatever it was that you both were bringing to the table to make the relationship work... was not enough to keep your all's relationship going. It broke.

 

I refuse to say it is your fault FailedFirstLove. there's not a right or a wrong here. Your ex should not have been nasty to you. So your friends are correct in that.

 

the theme of this thread is one of....you somehow made this relationship fail...or that it was mostly your fault. Or if....this....or if....that...blah blah blah....we all have enough of our own s**t to deal with....who doesn't?

 

I hope things go well with you. It's all a learning experience. We're all learning....

 

This relationship was not meant to survive this FirstLove. It wasn't capable of doing so. As my therapist said...(and it pissed me off when he said it...but it was true).....the relationship was doomed to failure.

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting. Holding a grudge against your ex will only make you more miserable. try and let go that....but this takes time...and will happen in it's own time. Everything .... has a purpose....and it's own time.

 

Take care

[d0nnivain]

If he was abusive (which I didn't see from your initial post) it is best that you stepped away.

[FailedFirstLove]

If he was abusive (which I didn't see from your initial post) it is best that you stepped away.

 

 

Not physical! His not like that just verbally abusive when his on the phone with me. It could also be me that triggers him to say things though. And he can't control himself so he just feels the need to be so angry and punch the bed

[FailedFirstLove]

Relationships are "relational". They are a dance of different traits between two people. A dance of strengths and weaknesses that each separate party brings to the relationship....and it's these strengths and weaknesses that makes up a relationship. Each individual brings their own strengths and weaknesses...and these strengths and weaknesses "compliment" each other to form a "relationship". We're all different....but when we find another human being who's strengths and weaknesses compliment our own in a good way....we like that...and we want more of it. There's a "Balance"...that's occurring in all relationships. So...kinda like an apple cart. The apples are arranged in a certain way.

 

Things can happen that upsets the apple cart. (Upset the Apple Cart meaning, definition....

"Upset the apple cart" just means to upset things and cause disorder. "Things were running smoothly in the office until Paul upset the apple cart by changing the software.".)

 

 

 

FailedFirstLove.... it's been said...."A cancer diagnosis will either strengthen a relationship....or kill it. But change it....it will".

 

What that is referring to is that these ways we have of keeping our relationships going with our virtues and weaknesses can be upset when anything...or a combination of things...intrude into the relationship....to change the order of things. Suddenly....one of the parties'....who's job it was to fulfill a certain role....that person can no longer fulfill that role....and it "tests" the relationship. The relationship must either change or die.

 

 

It sounds to me as if you were peddling as fast as each of you could to keep this relationship going. You were both working...each in your own way...to make things continue to work out. But then....things began to happen...that made you man not be able to fulfill his end of the bargain. And when this happened....it caused what you were bringing to the relationship to not work anymore either. So the relationship failed "FailedFirstLove".

 

This is not uncommon. It happens a lot.

 

It was clear to me....that when I got a health diagnosis that was going to take a lot of my energies,...that it would probably be the end of my relationship with my ex. And it was. I could no longer bring to the table the energy required to keep up my end of the relationship. It took *a lot* of investment on my part to keep that relationship alive. It took a lot of my energy. I loved her very much. But...I just could not give what I had been able to in the past to keep the relationship going anymore. My energies had to be diverted away from the relationship....and into a different direction.

 

 

This does not mean that I did not love this person. It just means I couldn't do what I had been doing in the past. And the relationship failed.

 

 

 

This is what is happening with your relationship FailedFirstLove. Whatever was going on before life began testing the relationship...whatever it was that you both were bringing to the table to make the relationship work... was not enough to keep your all's relationship going. It broke.

 

I refuse to say it is your fault FailedFirstLove. there's not a right or a wrong here. Your ex should not have been nasty to you. So your friends are correct in that.

 

the theme of this thread is one of....you somehow made this relationship fail...or that it was mostly your fault. Or if....this....or if....that...blah blah blah....we all have enough of our own s**t to deal with....who doesn't?

 

I hope things go well with you. It's all a learning experience. We're all learning....

 

This relationship was not meant to survive this FirstLove. It wasn't capable of doing so. As my therapist said...(and it pissed me off when he said it...but it was true).....the relationship was doomed to failure.

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting. Holding a grudge against your ex will only make you more miserable. try and let go that....but this takes time...and will happen in it's own time. Everything .... has a purpose....and it's own time.

 

Take care

 

 

 

Hey whatnot. You've honestly opened my eyes a lot in this post. I've spent so long constantly trying to figure out what was going on. I couldn't uunderstand it. To me it was just why can't we work on it. Why can't he just give me a chance to work on it. Even when he said cause there's nothing you can do. He needs time to heal and for the situation to change. But you are right. His contribution has changed and the situation has changed so it's changed the relationship. I was just hoping it would go back to being the same.

 

I've spent so much of the time blaming myself and people kept telling me to open my eyes. I never wanted to portray him as a monster cause it's not but situation he is in has drained all his energy.

 

I spent my time worrying about him so much. My previous bf suicided and I still don't have any answers even after 2+ years. I still go back to "what if I didn't do this or that". I get so much anxiety thinking that this one would do the same. I can't go through it again. that's why I am going to a psychologist again because it's recently just brought up everything... I thought I've dealt with it with the psychologist but I don't think it's ever going away.

 

I know that at times I act impulsively and selfishly. But afterwards I think over it and realise it. He knows what I am like to and in no way does it excuse me from it.

 

I function so differently. I turn to my loved ones for support because I can't handle it. And everyone around me has nurtured me that way. I still and probably won't understand how people can turn away from it.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Not physical! His not like that just verbally abusive when his on the phone with me. It could also be me that triggers him to say things though. And he can't control himself so he just feels the need to be so angry and punch the bed

 

Why isn't verbal abuse concerning enough?! Do you really think that his physical abuse of inanimate objects will never make its way to you? Or are you willing to take that chance?

 

...he can't control himself...

 

Please, he is a ticking time-bomb.

[FailedFirstLove]

Why isn't verbal abuse concerning enough?! Do you really think that his physical abuse of inanimate objects will never make its way to you? Or are you willing to take that chance?

 

...he can't control himself...

 

Please, he is a ticking time-bomb.

 

 

He knows he is a ticking time bomb I just kept thinking that he could control it. I've never seen him this way before. I just felt like maybe I was making him feel guilty. And I think he is scared he will become physically abusive too which is why he stepped away. I'm not sure... but his never hit anything before jus that time he was so angry he put the phone down and was punching something

 

One of the conversations I asked him if he could please tell me honestly if there was someone else in the picture. (He previously talked about a girl that liked him). He said no and went off and brought up how his grandma recently had a stroke that week. I didn't know... how was I suppose to know his grandma had a stroke when he never told me. Then he goes on about how he was at the hospital every night. So yes. I triggered his anger...

 

When he is angry he would say things that confused me. For example he went off at me because I used to say his brothers gf was annoying. And he told her to F off one day because she said something about his uncle. And then he said now I'm in trouble. But what does it have to do with me that his in trouble... I wasn't even there. And afterwards he would say he jsut says **** cause he is angry and can't control himself.

 

It was hard for me because I didn't know what was going on and when he was going to be ok or not....

[FailedFirstLove]

3 weeks ago at 12am he messaged me saying. "Really, you really did that?"

 

I woke up and was super confused. I asked him what happened and he was like you opened my F***ing mail?

 

I replied back and said I have not touched anything of yours. They are your old ones you left at my place. Check the date on it.

 

And then he had a rant about it and then he says "oh I thought it was new" "go to sleep you have work". Not a sorry or anything.

 

I actually did him a favour... I posted all the mail and items and was sent to my address to him. I have never touched his phone or anything. Never read his fb or whatever. He said I knew the pw and what not but I don't do that.

[d0nnivain]

Not physical! His not like that just verbally abusive when his on the phone with me. It could also be me that triggers him to say things though. And he can't control himself so he just feels the need to be so angry and punch the bed

 

Verbally abusive can be just as bad. Again, him yelling at you wasn't healthy & you are better off without him.

 

Fundamentally you two are incompatible. Leave it at that. Work on your issues. Then go out & get a healthy relationship.

[FailedFirstLove]

It's been just over 3 weeks since I last spoke to him. It's getting harder now knowing that he doesn't love or miss me enough to contact me and the dog we got together.

 

He was everything to him. He played with the dog more than I did. I no longer know what's happening in his life and if he is ok. I worry about him a lot but if I contact him and ask he will just get angry and go off at me. Then I'll put us in a worse situation.

 

Do guys miss their ex... do they think non stop like I do. I can barely sleep at night and the constant dreams kill me

[d0nnivain]

Do guys miss their ex... do they think non stop like I do. I can barely sleep at night and the constant dreams kill me

 

 

Both men & women suffer after a break up. They may handle it differently but neither gender escapes unscathed.

 

 

You need to find some peace. Consider a little mediation before bed. Focus on ways you will improve your own situation & hope that he finds peace too but recognize that you two are not good together.

[FailedFirstLove]

Both men & women suffer after a break up. They may handle it differently but neither gender escapes unscathed.

 

 

You need to find some peace. Consider a little mediation before bed. Focus on ways you will improve your own situation & hope that he finds peace too but recognize that you two are not good together.

 

 

 

It sucks cause if his issues didn't come up we probably would still be together. Yes we had arguments here and there but nothing major. Things like

Him picking me Up late etc. but it's not a long grudge. If he was in the right space he wud be able to handle the little bickering

 

I try to put background music at night but I find myself suffering at times.

[FailedFirstLove]

I have such great down times and will turn to friends that seem more compassionate and understand. Then I have a long rant. Ask a billion questions and then I feel a little better. It just takes me super long to get over things like this. And I'm feeling like this isn't going to end easily.

 

Hope still burns most days and without it anxiety kicks in. There's no way to win.

[trustyourself]

I have such great down times and will turn to friends that seem more compassionate and understand. Then I have a long rant. Ask a billion questions and then I feel a little better. It just takes me super long to get over things like this. And I'm feeling like this isn't going to end easily.

 

Hope still burns most days and without it anxiety kicks in. There's no way to win.

 

 

Hang in there. I am a male, and I am 6 months post breakup and still struggle (with a recent blip when she wanted to reconcile, and promptly dumped me again 3 weeks later).

 

It does get easier, but its hard. I still think about her every 5 minutes. But I try and use it constructively now and when she pops into my head I think about how unhealthy our relationship was and how it is too broken to fix and how she doesnt even want to try.

 

I am the dumpee obviously. Its hard, but you will get through it. Dont just sit about. It gives you too much time to think. Get out there and keep yourself busy. Dont be afraid to think things through, and process it. But concentrate on the negatives of him and your relationship, and work on yourself to fix any failings you feel you had part in.

 

Keep your chin up

[FailedFirstLove]

Hang in there. I am a male, and I am 6 months post breakup and still struggle (with a recent blip when she wanted to reconcile, and promptly dumped me again 3 weeks later).

 

It does get easier, but its hard. I still think about her every 5 minutes. But I try and use it constructively now and when she pops into my head I think about how unhealthy our relationship was and how it is too broken to fix and how she doesnt even want to try.

 

I am the dumpee obviously. Its hard, but you will get through it. Dont just sit about. It gives you too much time to think. Get out there and keep yourself busy. Dont be afraid to think things through, and process it. But concentrate on the negatives of him and your relationship, and work on yourself to fix any failings you feel you had part in.

 

Keep your chin up

 

 

After 6 months? Wow... I'm thinking his moved on enjoying his life already and it hasn't been a month of nc yet. But I guess everyone is different. He is so blessed in terms of being able to let things go and not think about it. he just kept himself occupied. He probably thinks of all the ad times whilst I'm here thinking of thengood times. Everything is a reminder

 

 

I'm trying my best to keep busy but there's some down time or moments in the day where it hits so hard. Then that feeling sticks for some time. The only time I can handle it is when I have hope.