Should I try one last time?

[iknownamouse]

My ex and I broke up about 4 months ago. It happened due to some very bad actions by me which i really really regret. Anyway, she blocked me on social media as soon as it happened. I tried to speak to her in the beginning but our conversations didn't go anywhere and she ended up blocking me off her phone too. ((

 

Anyhow after a period of no contact, I sent her a little care package as she was going through a tough time. She emailed back saying how thoughtful it was and that it's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for her, but that we can't talk. I messaged her a few weeks after that and she replied saying I need to take responsibility for my actions and that she doesn't want to talk, and she doesn't see me the same way anymore.

 

Stupidly I have messaged her since to no reply.

 

I really loved her and want her back in my life, I can fix things if she gives me a chance. I was thinking, as one last roll of the dice, to make a scrapbook of our memories with a letter and explain to her that I'm the same guy she fell in love with and I'll do whatever it takes to fix things. I do know thought that she's said she really doesn't want to talk to me, so I don't want to be too pushy. At the same time, I can't bear giving up on her

[Seth0194]

You hurt her, she has blocked you on social media and phone. She told you your sweet, but doesn't want to talk. She said you need to take responsibility for your actions but doesn't want to be with her. Sound like you are trying to wear her down. Back away, give her the space she is asking for, if it really is ment to be it will.

 

IMO, you are pestering her and using fancy tricks to get back in her life. Give her time.

[iknownamouse]

You hurt her, she has blocked you on social media and phone. She told you your sweet, but doesn't want to talk. She said you need to take responsibility for your actions but doesn't want to be with her. Sound like you are trying to wear her down. Back away, give her the space she is asking for, if it really is ment to be it will.

 

IMO, you are pestering her and using fancy tricks to get back in her life. Give her time.

 

Thank you for your reply! Yes I understand, and it's not my intention to wear her down but it does seem like that. I'm just approaching it from the view that she's just feeling really insecure about my love and isn't sure that I actually love her. I am just hoping that something I do will make her realise that I actually do.

 

I also realise that I may also be in denial about this actually ending. I just worry that if something isn't done now then it may be gone forever. And what if it is meant to be but it requires me to do put this effort in? These are the thoughts that run around my head

[Marc878]

If you chase they move farther away, always.

 

I doubt you'll listen and will keep pestering her.

 

Oh and writing the infamous long stupid letter pouring your heart out is always a bad idea.

[elaine567]

If you want to keep a woman in your life it is perfectly simple, do not cheat on her.

I am not sure how she is supposed to just get over this?

With MC and IC it can take 3-5 years to "get over" a cheating event and for some degree of trust to return, and that is if there is a very strong bond anyway. An 18 month relationship cannot withstand such a huge blow.

 

I do not think you have any idea of the enormity of your actions here.

it was a short romance and you messed up big time, leave the poor girl alone.

There is no coming back from this, even if she does give you another chance the anger and resentment that she will build up will kill your relationship stone dead eventually. It will never be the same.

Trust once lost is difficult to find again.

Edited July 9, 2017 by elaine567

[iknownamouse]

If you chase they move farther away, always.

 

I doubt you'll listen and will keep pestering her.

 

Oh and writing the infamous long stupid letter pouring your heart out is always a bad idea.

 

I haven't had a chance to say so many things. Is it still a bad idea?

 

If you want to keep a woman in your life it is perfectly simple, do not cheat on her.

I am not sure how she is supposed to just get over this?

With MC and IC it can take 3-5 years to "get over" a cheating event and for some degree of trust to return, and that is if there is a very strong bond anyway. An 18 month relationship cannot withstand such a huge blow.

 

I do not think you have any idea of the enormity of your actions here.

it was a short romance and you messed up big time, leave the poor girl alone.

There is no coming back from this, even if she does give you another chance the anger and resentment that she will build up will kill your relationship stone dead eventually. It will never be the same.

Trust once lost is difficult to find again.

 

Thank you for your replies. Perhaps I am delusional, but I just feel that with the bond we had we could fix things.

 

I feel the cheating happened in extraordinary circumstances. At the time we weren't together and I was really confused about where things were going and if we'd actually be together after her exams. I wanted to speak to her about this but when I once brought it up she said these convos just stress her out and that I am overthinking things. Obviously that is not an excuse but it contributed, as cheating or taking girls home from clubs is not normal behaviour for me at all.

 

I want to talk to her about all this but I haven't had the chance

 

I am prepared to let things go, but she is a girl I never want to give up on. I feel I could make her happy and we could put these things behind us, but if so many of you guys reckon I should leave her alone then I may have to take your advice. I do want her to just be happy. There is so much I want to say to her. Giving up just seems the easy way out.

 

I am asking you guys' advice for a reason though, because I really value it. It seems like you don't think I have a chance at all, so I may have to reconsider my plan

 

I feel so confused, because I haven't even had the chance to speak to her properly since the breakup. It's making it even harder. If I just had one proper chance to get what I want to say accross and then if she says no then it's no. But like this it's been difficult and I feel made me even crazier

Edited July 9, 2017 by iknownamouse

[basil67]

Your memory book isn't what she wants. What she wants is for you to admit you were wrong.

 

Except you weren't wrong: You weren't together - therefore, you didn't cheat. If she really wanted to be with you, she would have given a firm yes instead of stringing you along till after the exams.

 

She needs to meet you half way and acknowledge that she had decided not to be official with you. and as such, she contributed to this happening.

[elaine567]

Hi guys,

 

Just a bit of history to the story; this girl and I were together for 18 months and our relationship was amazing. We loved each other a lot and there was some fighting but it was really good. We had a silly argument and ended up breaking up and I didn't appreciate at the time what we had. She wanted to get back together but I didn't, so we stayed apart. This is about a year and a half ago. T

 

After a year of the breakup, I realised I really miss her and decided to get back with her. We had some long chats, and she decided she really loved me but had exams coming up so wants to be just friends till after exams and then we can get back together. So I was like sure.

 

However a few weeks ago, at a party at which she also was; I ended up taking a girl home. She was understandably not very happy. I was very drunk and not thinking straight and really regret it. I really apologised to her. She wouldn't accept it and said she never wants to hear from me again and that I'm a cold hearted liar and a scumbag. Blocked me off everything. Stupidly I kept messaging her and she in the end said she never wants to hear from me again .

 

Problem here is that you not only broke her heart once you managed to do it twice.

You break up, she wants to get back together, but you say no.

 

A year later you are in communication again, but can she trust you? She is cautious, doesn't want her heart broken AGAIN.

Then you decide to go home with another girl from the party your poor ex gf was also attending.

 

What on earth were you thinking?

 

Now she is unavailable, she is suddenly the love of your life.

I suggest this is not "love" at all, you just want what you cannot have.

[iknownamouse]

Your memory book isn't what she wants. What she wants is for you to admit you were wrong.

 

Except you weren't wrong: You weren't together - therefore, you didn't cheat. If she really wanted to be with you, she would have given a firm yes instead of stringing you along till after the exams.

 

She needs to meet you half way and acknowledge that she had decided not to be official with you. and as such, she contributed to this happening.

 

Yes exactly. While I accept that it was an extremely stupid thing to do and I regret it immensely; it is obvious that this would never have happened if we were official. At the same time I realise that it was completely ok for her to take her time, though she could have given me a bit more than she did as there was still a slight chance of nothing happening, and this really did leave me very confused at times

[iknownamouse]

Problem here is that you not only broke her heart once you managed to do it twice.

You break up, she wants to get back together, but you say no.

 

A year later you are in communication again, but can she trust you? She is cautious, doesn't want her heart broken AGAIN.

Then you decide to go home with another girl from the party your poor ex gf was also attending.

 

What on earth were you thinking?

 

Now she is unavailable, she is suddenly the love of your life.

I suggest this is not "love" at all, you just want what you cannot have.

 

This is a slight oversimplification. The original breakup was almost mutual, we both had worked incredibly hard at working through it. Eventually we decided to give up. The break up was very clean and we spoke regularly through the year. I tried to get over her in this period but it wasn't possible so I initiated efforts to reconcile.

 

Her being cautious was completely understandable and she would've been silly not to be like that. However, i was still never give a proper answer. Sometimes doubts would arise in my head on whether her intentions were to just be friends eventually or would we be together afterwards. I was almost certain we'd be together but there was always that little bit of space for doubt.

 

I take full responsibility for my actions, but at the same time I think these actions would never have transpired if the situation wasn't as it was. This kind of situation is never going to arise again, so I want to tell her that yes i messed up but I have learnt so much. I am ready to fix things, I just need half a chance.

 

I have always felt she's the love of my life. She has a book of poems and art from me that will tell you that.

[Whodatdog]

No you can't fix things. She's done with you. She's telling you to leave her alone, and you refuse to respect what she wants. No wonder she's done with you.

[d0nnivain]

There is no coming back from this. She will see a scrapbook of memories as a mockery & an insult. Upon receiving such a gift she will become angry that you could take all those memories & throw them out over a drunken hook up with another girl.

 

You have to let her go. You broke up once only to try & fail to get back together. There's too much water under the bridge here.

 

She's done & not interested in hearing what you have to say because your words won't erase your actions for her.

 

While you were technically free to date the hook-up in your EXs mind you weren't morally free to do so.

[Redhead14]

My ex and I broke up about 4 months ago. It happened due to some very bad actions by me which i really really regret. Anyway, she blocked me on social media as soon as it happened. I tried to speak to her in the beginning but our conversations didn't go anywhere and she ended up blocking me off her phone too. ((

 

Anyhow after a period of no contact, I sent her a little care package as she was going through a tough time. She emailed back saying how thoughtful it was and that it's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for her, but that we can't talk. I messaged her a few weeks after that and she replied saying I need to take responsibility for my actions and that she doesn't want to talk, and she doesn't see me the same way anymore.

 

Stupidly I have messaged her since to no reply.

 

I really loved her and want her back in my life, I can fix things if she gives me a chance. I was thinking, as one last roll of the dice, to make a scrapbook of our memories with a letter and explain to her that I'm the same guy she fell in love with and I'll do whatever it takes to fix things. I do know thought that she's said she really doesn't want to talk to me, so I don't want to be too pushy. At the same time, I can't bear giving up on her

 

I'm the same guy she fell in love with -- yes, you are, except that when she fell in love with you, she hadn't seen all of you yet.

 

Given the on/off history of the relationship, even if she decided to try again with you, she would be walking on eggshells waiting for that other shoe to drop again. She would likely be on high alert and you would be under a microscope and walking on eggshells too.

[iknownamouse]

No you can't fix things. She's done with you. She's telling you to leave her alone, and you refuse to respect what she wants. No wonder she's done with you.

 

There is no coming back from this. She will see a scrapbook of memories as a mockery & an insult. Upon receiving such a gift she will become angry that you could take all those memories & throw them out over a drunken hook up with another girl.

 

You have to let her go. You broke up once only to try & fail to get back together. There's too much water under the bridge here.

 

She's done & not interested in hearing what you have to say because your words won't erase your actions for her.

 

While you were technically free to date the hook-up in your EXs mind you weren't morally free to do so.

 

I'm the same guy she fell in love with -- yes, you are, except that when she fell in love with you, she hadn't seen all of you yet.

 

Given the on/off history of the relationship, even if she decided to try again with you, she would be walking on eggshells waiting for that other shoe to drop again. She would likely be on high alert and you would be under a microscope and walking on eggshells too.

 

Alright thanks for your replies guys. I guess I'll have to abandon the idea of a scrapbook for now even though I spent 60 quid on the printing haha, oh well .

 

And I'm fully aware of how bad my actions were. I was just hoping that perhaps how close we were would give us a lifeline and give me a chance to make things right. I suppose that was wishful thinking and I was in denial. I still hold hope but realise the chances are slim to none, and that maybe I've done all I could to try and fix it. It's out of my hands now

 

What advice do you guys have in moving on? At the moment, about 3.5 months on, I still feel such a bad pain in my chest when I even think about it. It's hard not to think about it, as it's my first thought it in the morning and then I can't stop. I keep thinking about our memories and how many bad mistakes I made that led to all of this and how I wish at some point I had just slapped some sense into myself.

 

I'm really struggling with the whole situation. I don't have many people to talk to about this situation and there's so much on my chest that I could never get off with her, which means I spend my days thinking and thinking about what could've been. I've tried meditation but still it goes on.

[Redhead14]

Alright thanks for your replies guys. I guess I'll have to abandon the idea of a scrapbook for now even though I spent 60 quid on the printing haha, oh well .

 

And I'm fully aware of how bad my actions were. I was just hoping that perhaps how close we were would give us a lifeline and give me a chance to make things right. I suppose that was wishful thinking and I was in denial. I still hold hope but realise the chances are slim to none, and that maybe I've done all I could to try and fix it. It's out of my hands now

 

What advice do you guys have in moving on? At the moment, about 3.5 months on, I still feel such a bad pain in my chest when I even think about it. It's hard not to think about it, as it's my first thought it in the morning and then I can't stop. I keep thinking about our memories and how many bad mistakes I made that led to all of this and how I wish at some point I had just slapped some sense into myself.

 

I'm really struggling with the whole situation. I don't have many people to talk to about this situation and there's so much on my chest that I could never get off with her, which means I spend my days thinking and thinking about what could've been. I've tried meditation but still it goes on.

 

What advice do you guys have in moving on? -- Patient with yourself and be good to yourself. Accept that moving on will be a process of up and downs. Push through the downs and enjoy the ups. Get as busy as you can focus on things that you have left undone or procrastinating on. Do things that are productive and give you a sense of satisfaction. Give yourself periods of time to grieve but do it in little bits. When you're feeling down or anxious, allow yourself, say half an hour, to process and feel what you're feeling. At the end of that half hour, you force yourself to redirect your attention. Change your surroundings. Give your place a face lift, new curtains, new throw pillows, rearrange the furniture, paint the place, etc.

[Whodatdog]

And learn from this. If and when you end up meeting another great girl, remember what happened this time, and dont let it happen again.

[spiderowl]

I think she's finished with you but maybe she wasn't as into you as you thought in the first place. If conversations about being a couple stressed her, then she was uncertain at that time anyway.

 

The scrapbooks is a bad idea. It's just an attempt to draw her attention to you and remind her of you, perhaps make her feel guilty. She will not appreciate this. She already knows you are there. A guy did something similar for me once, sent a long letter and photos of himself to me. It was upsetting and made me feel bad not good.

 

She said you needed to take responsibility for what you had done. This suggests that in her mind she thinks you have not done so or apologised. I don't know if you have and she's just not accepting your apology. She seems to feel at some level she can't trust you to take things seriously.

 

But all that said, if she wanted to be with you she would allow you to contact her to apologise and try to make things right. The fact that she's cut you off in a very determined fashion suggests she's had enough.

 

I think in your situation and in order to clear my head of this, I would email her with an apology. Tell her you should not have cheated and were stupid, that you hope she forgives you. Let her know you hope she'll be in touch with you again because you think a lot of her, then say you'll leave her in peace. Then leave her in peace. So you've ended it on a good note. If she does not respond, she's definitely not interested in a reconciliation.

[d0nnivain]

What advice do you guys have in moving on? At the moment, about 3.5 months on, I still feel such a bad pain in my chest when I even think about it. It's hard not to think about it, as it's my first thought it in the morning and then I can't stop. I keep thinking about our memories and how many bad mistakes I made that led to all of this and how I wish at some point I had just slapped some sense into myself.

 

I'm really struggling with the whole situation. I don't have many people to talk to about this situation and there's so much on my chest that I could never get off with her, which means I spend my days thinking and thinking about what could've been. I've tried meditation but still it goes on.

 

First you have to accept that it's over. You haven't fully done that yet.

 

Then you have to mourn the loss of the relationship. This is the sucky part where you cry & wallow. But you can't do that for too long.

 

After a few days, you have to pull yourself together. First you need to purge all the memories. If you have a safe place to do it, I would literally burn that scrapbook you spend 60 quid on. Take all the mementos, photos, little gits etc & either throw them out or put them in a box. Tape the box shut & bury it in the garage, attic or the deepest recesses of your closet.

 

Consider rearranging your living space so it's not a visual reminder of her.

 

Meanwhile keep yourself busy & surround yourself with supportive people.

[iknownamouse]

Thanks a lot guys. I'll keep all your tips in mind, hopefully will make this a bit easier. Gonna leave her well alone, you guys are right that it is pretty disrespectful of me to carry on. Think I just needed to hear it from other people.

 

Thanks again