Love her, but so so hurt...

[magnesium]

It's easy to understand why you stayed so long in this toxic relationship. It's because you made a life-long investment in this relationship. This investment is financial, emotional, spiritual, physical...it's a huge commitment.

 

Another huge factor that is playing a role here is fear. Right now you are comfortable in your toxic relationship. You know what to expect. You are more scared of what might happen if you leave this relationship forever. Lots and lots of people would rather stay in a familiar comfort zone, even if that comfort zone is unhealthy, rather than chart unknown territories.

 

Your investment has failed a long time ago.

 

It's time to be strong, take charge, and face your fears of "what will happen if I leave her for good?"

 

On another note, I could literally copy and paste my post here and post it into multiple topics, because these same timeless truths apply for others. What is happening to you has happened to so many people now and throughout history in one way or another.

 

I'm not saying this to "depersonalize" you experience, as it is very personal, but you need to see the bigger picture here as well.

 

Good luck.

[CnfsdTXDad1]

Think how many chances you gave her and what did you get from it? NOTHING.

Whoa, this got me. Spot on. SPOT freaking on. That's what I couldn't undertand.

 

Let's just say that last week was an eye-opener for me. I was paralyzed. . .frozen. . .couldn't do anything but pace and I had a HUGE workday coming up, with a massively important VP riding with me. Finally, at 1 AM and unable to move or sleep, I went to the gym. While there, I came across a YouTube video on Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. My chin dropped, my eyes bugged out, and I was shocked. THAT was what I had been living through for over 2 years. Abuse, abuse, and more abuse. And I kept taking it.

 

That night in the gym, I snapped back to reality and regained my strength and mojo. The next morning when she called, she could tell a difference in my voice, and she called me 3 times that morning, with the final call saying 'What's going on?...You sound different.' She knew. Later that day I went to her house and told her that I wanted a divorce, and it was like a house had been lifted off of my shoulders. It's been that way since. She is really struggling with this, but it's not my concern now. I know in my heart of hearts that I tried my darndest to fix this marriage. She gave up, didn't communicate, and was saying some awful things about me to people. At this point, f*** her. I gave her everything, and she discarded me.

 

Did I do wrong in the marriage? Absolutely. I know that, and I will have to own that, and move on and learn from that. Above all, I will know not to do those things in the future.

 

Thank you very much for all of your help.

[CnfsdTXDad1]

Well, I did it, and it feels FANTASTIC! I filed last week, and as I told the paralegal: 'I shouldn't be having such a great day today and I shouldn't be in such a good mood when I'm filing for divorce on the same day!' She just laughed and said 'Yeah, a lot of people are in here crying or angry, etc. You are DEFINITELY different than when you came in here the first time. You just have this energy about you!'

 

 

Thanks for all of the support. The pain, anxiety, abuse, and chasm is finally over, and it feels AMAZING!! It would be one thing if this were a one day feeling, but this energy and positivity has been building for weeks, and as I told someone the other day 'This is the best I've felt in 20 years. I could never have dreamed that I'd be this positive after all that I've been through.'

 

 

Since I haven't posted on here in a while, here's a quick version of what's happened: stress and anxiety landed me in the hospital in February. Possible cardiac issues, URIs, bronchitis, cancer scare, etc.

 

 

Church got me through this. I have a newfound faith in God that has brought me unparalleled depth of relationships, friendships, business success, etc.

 

 

My new motto: I now welcome any challenge, and will run as fast as I can into it, because I now know that I will come out the other side SO much more positively changed from it, no matter how tough it is.

 

 

The great news? My baby boy wants to spend all of his time with me. I tried to counsel her as a friend, but I had to let go and move on with my life. The next chapters are going to be just incredible!

[Downtown]

TexasDad, what wonderful news! Thanks so much for returning to give us an update and brighten our day! If you have to share custody of your son, you may want to read about co-parenting tips that are helpful in dealing with a Cluster-B parent. The book is titled, Will I Ever Be Free of You? How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist, and Heal Your Family. The tips apply equally well to those dealing with a BPDer parent.

[Marc878]

She doesn't know that I'm thinking of filing. She gets physically sick over this, yet can't talk to me about it for over a month?

 

There are so many other factors here, one that I can't mention because it honestly creeps me out, but the main theme is: why would she want to stay married to someone she calls horrible names to her friends and family? She has caused my stepson not to speak to me because she got him involved in our marriage (she plays a great victim), she has forwarded what I thought were private texts between us with her family, and has told my 4 yr old that she hopes he turns out nothing like me. That alone sent me over the edge.

 

why would you think so little of yourself to be treated in such a manner?

 

You teach people how they can treat you.

 

You are the only one who can keep yourself in a situation like this.

 

Wake up and you should probably read up on Codependency

[CnfsdTXDad1]

why would you think so little of yourself to be treated in such a manner?

 

You teach people how they can treat you.

 

You are the only one who can keep yourself in a situation like this.

 

Wake up and you should probably read up on Codependency

 

 

Not a question of thinking so little of myself. Rather, I put her and our marriage on way too high of a pedestal. I've left out a LOT of details about what's really happened. Let's just say me moving on is great for me, but terrifying for other men that will be fooled into her web. I truly feel sorry for them. She has just a dark black soul that will never get filled.

 

 

No, I disagree as to teaching/treating. I am one of the good guys who believes in the institution of marriage and all that implies. But, to somewhat agree, I allowed way too many things to happen.

 

 

No, both can keep ourselves in this situation when a young child is involved. But he is why I pulled the ripcord.

 

 

Not codependent. Was foolishly hoping that a narcissistic egoist could change, but that's like hoping a crocodile becomes a vegan.

[BluesPower]

Not a question of thinking so little of myself. Rather, I put her and our marriage on way too high of a pedestal. I've left out a LOT of details about what's really happened. Let's just say me moving on is great for me, but terrifying for other men that will be fooled into her web. I truly feel sorry for them. She has just a dark black soul that will never get filled.

 

No, I disagree as to teaching/treating. I am one of the good guys who believes in the institution of marriage and all that implies. But, to somewhat agree, I allowed way too many things to happen.

 

No, both can keep ourselves in this situation when a young child is involved. But he is why I pulled the ripcord.

 

Not codependent. Was foolishly hoping that a narcissistic egoist could change, but that's like hoping a crocodile becomes a vegan.

 

Don't want to argue... But you are in denial about this stuff here.

 

And Marc is telling you this stuff so that in your next relationship you understand HOW YOU SHOULD be treated.

 

It is not that anyone is trying to bang on you, but you are a codependent personality type. We can see it all over your post.

 

You allowed too much because you were weak at the time and did not standup for yourself.

 

You really need to listen to this type of stuff, it will put you in a better place in the future...