Andy_K Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Death terrifies me. The idea that one day I will just cease to exist, brings me out in a cold sweat. No more thoughts? No consciousness or awareness for the whole of eternity? That's a reality I can't easily face up to. I don't want to stop existing. I want to live. I enjoy my life, and even when I'm old and frail... I want to be around see what happens to the world. I want to fight that eventuality. I don't want to be switched off. I just turned 34. I've got a bunch of grey hairs (no amount of healthy living can trump the genetic disposition to early greying, unfortunately) but besides that I'm as close to my physical peak as possible. But in another 10 or 15 years when my body really starts to slow down? Likely I'll be harder pressed to distract myself from the panic as the end of the treadmill gets closer. It's a rather morbid situation really... we get to stay on the planet and watch our bodies slowly rot and decay until they can't support us any more. So I tell myself that maybe cryonics will find a way... or we'll create a cure for ageing. Or Musk is right and we're just living in a computer simulation. Grasping at straws to hold on to my sanity... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thefooloftheyear Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 Death terrifies me. The idea that one day I will just cease to exist, brings me out in a cold sweat. No more thoughts? No consciousness or awareness for the whole of eternity? That's a reality I can't easily face up to. I don't want to stop existing. I want to live. I enjoy my life, and even when I'm old and frail... I want to be around see what happens to the world. I want to fight that eventuality. I don't want to be switched off. I just turned 34. I've got a bunch of grey hairs (no amount of healthy living can trump the genetic disposition to early greying, unfortunately) but besides that I'm as close to my physical peak as possible. But in another 10 or 15 years when my body really starts to slow down? Likely I'll be harder pressed to distract myself from the panic as the end of the treadmill gets closer. It's a rather morbid situation really... we get to stay on the planet and watch our bodies slowly rot and decay until they can't support us any more. So I tell myself that maybe cryonics will find a way... or we'll create a cure for ageing. Or Musk is right and we're just living in a computer simulation. Grasping at straws to hold on to my sanity... See bolded....Yes it is... For me, its a variety of things... For one....I am a perfectionist....Always need my "ducks in a row"....Ive been like this forever..Some people on the outside may not see it this way, but its potentially one of the worst conditions anyone can have, in that you can seemingly never be fully satisfied with anything unless it's been absolutely perfected...I am one of those weird kind of guys that keeps everything neat and clean in my life....In almost a woman like way...I hate chaos and disorder...That's all great...When you are younger, you feel like you have nothing but time to accomplish these things..Id stay up all hours of the night to work on stuff,...perfect my craft.....Then, a couple of things happened as I aged...I just didn't quite have the same stamina or will on everything......and the other is realizing that recognizing my own mortality starts to make some of that stuff kind of pointless...It shouldn't, but it does.. The other thing (and this is more troubling), is the element of knowing you have something that's impending, isn't that far away time wise, and you have no control over it...Aside from my other quirks, I have always been the type that can overcome adversity by sheer will, hard work, whatever...Seemingly no problem didn't have some solution...In some cases you have to throw a pile of money at it, work it, reason it. fight with it, but eventually you get the better of it and move on...With aging and death, there is just nothing you can do...I mean, sure, I could have a car wreck or a massive stroke and die, but I wouldn't necessarily see that coming, and even those things can be controlled to some degree through preventative measures... One thing is for certain....I should be happier than I am right now...I have a lot to be thankful for...Some of you have hit the nail on the head..I am just burnt out...I figure I need at least one full year off..If I don't find a way to slow this freight train down, then its just gonna get worse... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
robaday Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 I think losing my sister young meant I had a pretty full on understanding of mortality at a young age. It does something to you, and although I struggled for years after with depression and everything else, when I did come out of it, I had a strength and a wisdom that my peers simply could not comprehend. Life has never been as fresh, or as full of joy as before she died all those years back. But the knowledge I have gained and my ability to confront life with bravery has also become irreplaceable. Another point. Last year I quit my job to go and travel through some of the poorest regions in the world. I am currently working in one. People here live in the moment. Their lives are not long so they embrace each day and throw everything into it - love, dancing, celebrations - everything is heightened and full of energy. I think the rest of us could learn something from them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 I'm kind of the opposite - I can't wait to get to retirement age and get away from the rat race, have a life of leisure and, for the most part, make the day my own. Friend, you do realize that if you live to 75, you've got another 20 or so yrs to go. I don't know about you but I think that's significant. And while you're sitting around feeling passive and mourning your youth, you could be enjoying this new phase of life. That's what life is -- just a series of phases that we can choose to enjoy or not. Now I don't plan on jumping off a cliff or anything but I don't have a real fear of death. I believe we're spiritual beings having a physical experience so, to me, death is a transition. There are a ton of real life experiences to support this idea. I say enjoy every day and stop focusing on the negative. It's sapping you of your happiness. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thefooloftheyear Posted July 11, 2017 Author Share Posted July 11, 2017 Friend, you do realize that if you live to 75, you've got another 20 or so yrs to go. I don't know about you but I think that's significant. And while you're sitting around feeling passive and mourning your youth, you could be enjoying this new phase of life. That's what life is -- just a series of phases that we can choose to enjoy or not. . 95??........:lmao: Well....lessee.... If I do manage to survive, ill be able to look forward to shuffling around, hunched over, formerly strong body turned to shyt, drooling, mumbling incoherently, diaper on my ass, limp dick, etc, etc... Yep....can't wait for that... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 95??........:lmao: Well....lessee.... *If I do manage to survive, ill be able to look forward to shuffling around, hunched over, formerly strong body turned to shyt, drooling, mumbling incoherently, diaper on my ass, limp dick, etc, etc... Yep....can't wait for that... TFY I think that you're not enjoying life because you're not really living it. You're just going with the flow... Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 95??........:lmao: Well....lessee.... If I do manage to survive, ill be able to look forward to shuffling around, hunched over, formerly strong body turned to shyt, drooling, mumbling incoherently, diaper on my ass, limp dick, etc, etc... Yep....can't wait for that... TFY I thought in your original post you said you were around 50 or 55. I was adding around 20 yrs to that since you were talking about living to be around 75. The truth is, there's nothing we can do about aging. You'll make yourself miserable fighting the inevitable instead of just going with it. And, btw, there's nothing that says you have to be unhealthy or sickly when you're older. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 I'm probably a minority here but I love getting old. Something with aging fascinates me... For some reason I've never had friends under 30 so now when I finally got into this age group it doesn't feel weird to hang out with the 'old' people anymore Having said that... It creeps me out that there is not much time left. In my dream world I'll age fast and stay old forever without dying... The think that saddens me most is how many thing I could have done if I had indefinite time ahead of me... Now I have to measure every action in respect to the time I have left. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Learn to fly. Then buy You'll love it. Your posting reminded me of someone I greatly admired for many years who passed last year. , long after the government officially pulled his medical cert for official piloting, we see him doing what you suggest, and something a lot of good pilots probably can't do, rolling a business jet, in that case apparently for the last time. He would be dead a bit over two years later. I remember posting his obit here on LS and the thread didn't even get a response. War hero, aerobatics expert, test pilot for practically everything we'd come to know as the cutting edge of aviation, known by heads of state and business around the world and kind and generous to the very end and, yet, largely unknown. His message to those of us who watched or met him was pretty much yours, and not limited to just flying. I can only imagine all the goodbyes he said to those he loved and lost in his long life, those who succumbed to their mortality before he, including his wife of 68 years, Colleen. Is it coincidence that he died only months after she did? Or was one final loss to the mortal coil his end? None of us may truly know the whole story until our time comes. And then, well, that's it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 I can relate to how you are feeling TFY. My career involved bungee jumping into the depths of individuals, seeing and gathering and bouncing out, unscathed. Well, that's impossible to do for years. After my husband passed, it was definitely more than I could maintain. I want to love and give love without default cynicism...just vive' laugh and enjoy. Also be fully present and still without judgement, without analyzing. In my career, vigilance and the stillness was with so much purpose and intention. You have worked hard and speaking for myself, it's time to let go. With what you have learned so far, it's unlikely that you will become an acs....so live, vive'. Best. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 snip Your posting reminded me of someone I greatly admired for many years who passed last year. Its a privilege to know someone like him. I'm flying on Friday with a good friend who is in his late seventies; he's fit, strong, healthy, and a very good aerobatic pilot. There's a chinese saying: "A moving hinge never rusts." Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thefooloftheyear Posted September 5, 2017 Author Share Posted September 5, 2017 It's 3:30 AM and dealing with some pain from another small physical setback....One of a run of a few lately that have really begun to weaken my very strong spirit...How can it not, really... Add to it, I just watched a boxing match that was re broadcast from a few years ago....Two men, one early 20's and the other 40...The aging guy would have destroyed this kid in no time just 10 years ago, but now he can only hang on...He doesn't have it anymore...>All the will and training won't make it better...Its kinda sad and added to my general feeling of malaise.. We spend the best physical years of our lives killing ourselves to earn, to produce, to be who everyone expects us to be,...only to be left with a lot of knowledge, but a failing body, that no matter how hard we try(and I try harder than just about anyone), it's not gonna do or be what you want it to...It's really a cruel irony.. They program all of us to "save for retirement".....Put aside all your money......."Don't touch it or you'll pay a huge penalty" blah, blah...Great...so that the hospitals and nursing homes can drain it??? All while you denied yourself when you could have really enjoyed it??? ...Its Fcking ridiculous... Add to that I have two family members that are "winding down" right now.....Seeing them just almost hopeless....laying in a bed...no will....no fight left...angry...depressed...even the butt of the nurse's and aide's jokes...Holy effing shyt....That wont be me...it cant... I envy a lot of you folks...I don't know how you stay so positive at this stage...Seems like a lot of my contemporaries like to drink..i dont drink...Maybe that's the answer...Lose yourself....escape... Ok..that's enough...hopefully I can get some sleep, but I foresee at least a few weeks of misery until i can climb this hurdle... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 (edited) We spend the best physical years of our lives killing ourselves to earn, to produce, to be who everyone expects us to be,...only to be left with a lot of knowledge, but a failing body, that no matter how hard we try(and I try harder than just about anyone), it's not gonna do or be what you want it to...It's really a cruel irony.. They program all of us to "save for retirement".....Put aside all your money......."Don't touch it or you'll pay a huge penalty" blah, blah...Great...so that the hospitals and nursing homes can drain it??? All while you denied yourself when you could have really enjoyed it??? ...Its Fcking ridiculous... I "liked" your recent post for this part - I'm sorry you're feeling so down otherwise. But re: this paragraph, I completely agree. I think there is much to be said for taking the time, money, and effort needed to really live life and enjoy it while one has the health and energy to do so, and screw what "other people expect". This is something that I have tried to do ever since I became a legal adult, and the above is the reason. Mortality is something that has always plagued me ever since I left the cocoon of religious faith that I was brought up in (when I was about 18). It took me a long, long time to come to terms with it. The conclusion I have currently arrived at is that while it really, really, really ****ing sucks to have to die... it is far worse to do so never having truly lived life. The former is, as far as I can see, unavoidable - the latter is largely within our control. You aren't so far gone yet! You still have a good amount of health and energy. Why not start living now? It might actually be easier for you than for us younger folks. The biggest hurdle I encountered with living life is that as a young person, you tend to need to find a balance between doing so, and between saving/investing/working for your future (both in monetary and career terms as well as relationships and health). Because you want to be able to carry on living to the fullest in your future as well, and it's much more difficult to do so if you're homeless, broke, obese, and with no marketable skills or relationships worth speaking of. You have the money and you have the time, having already established your career. Start now! Edited September 5, 2017 by Elswyth 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 I'm a few years younger than TFY, but I know what he is talking about. You realise that truly everything on this planet is borrowed, nothing lasts, and you leave with nothing, just as you came. The difference may be that I didn't deny myself a lot in life, so my own view is rather relaxed. My own dad died in his late 50s, naked and in the backyard. I'm sure he had fun until the very moment he died. My goal is to live longer, but with a similar attitude toward life. My advise is to focus on the things you always wanted to do. You may be able to take things a little slower, or pick up something new. I just started a new job in a new field, and I have never been in Finance before. It's a time of very low unemployment, a prime time for a change, IMHO. TFY, think about your financial success and the freedom it gives you. I would use that freedom. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thefooloftheyear Posted September 5, 2017 Author Share Posted September 5, 2017 (edited) Thanks Els/Cpt.. I'll admit the positive's and especially in light of all the catastrophic events of the last few weeks, I am happy for my blessings.. Eh...I can't just put my life ahead of that of my daughter..She's 14 and I am fully committed on every level...And those who know will tell you that you truly can't live your own life to it's fullest in this context...Its a tough battle...I think often of what would be left of my life when i get her on her feet and fully emancipated...I want to be there for everything she needs from me...I want her to maximize her potential as a young woman..She has so much going for her...I wish I had the same start on life... I know people that are only concerned with what's in their own best interests...Their kids are seemingly an afterthought.They move far away from their kids and only do what the courts tell them they have to....Its shameful, IMO and its nothing I could ever consider....I had a tough upbringing that was particularly bleak...I don't want her to experience any of that.....not ever... I guess this current issue has me more depressed than usual.....Hopefully when this pain subsides I can be in a better frame of mind..Til then, its all lemons and wet blankets... TFY Edited September 5, 2017 by thefooloftheyear Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 I figure that every birthday is another year I've cheated death, that rat bastard. You just have to maintain a positive outlook, like me. Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 Eh...I can't just put my life ahead of that of my daughter..She's 14 and I am fully committed on every level...And those who know will tell you that you truly can't live your own life to it's fullest in this context...Its a tough battle...I think often of what would be left of my life when i get her on her feet and fully emancipated...I want to be there for everything she needs from me...I want her to maximize her potential as a young woman..She has so much going for her...I wish I had the same start on life... [/Quote] Can't you just be happy for her? I mean, you won't have to ask at this stage in life what you are working towards. Trust me, I talked to guys in their 60s and all they wanted was to have the life back with their kids that you're having right now. And if your daughter succeeds, doesn't that mean you have done something right, really right? Don't get me wrong, but to a certain extent you are complaining of being the victim of your own success. Link to post Share on other sites
Soak Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 I was thinking the same thing the last few days. Nearly had an anxiety attack as i realised the inevitable 'end'. Can't run anymore, am just about to turn 48... I'd say maybe don't think about it much, and try not to think about yourself as an age, or number. Link to post Share on other sites
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