Recovery Issues

[harrybrown]

if she will not go to IC and pay for it herself, she is not doing "actions" to make changes to be a safe partner.

 

You need to watch her actions.

 

Her actions say that she could be still having the affair mode.

 

Your physical health is at risk. So is your mental health.

 

Did you get a postnup?

 

Where is her burner phone? She is still in cheating mode. she has not done anything to discover why she did this and how to protect the family from the a bomb again.

 

 

she murdered your marriage. quit dragging around the corpse of the old dead marriage chained to your leg.

 

She will do this with the next guy and there will be many next guys.

 

File for D. If she wants you so bad, she can try to woo you again after the D. See your attorney and get the process started.

 

life is too short to spend the painful time with the source of your pain.

[Jersey born raised]

Perhaps to her the marriage became roomates with a common interests and hobbies - your children. Then slowly became more of a brother/sister type of relationship. One in which one spouse started to engage in behavior she knew her "family" would not approve, like a rebellious teen sneaking our to date the bad boyfriend.

 

Of course there would be a storm if caught, but blood is forever - right? BUT, you are not blood you are a husband. Stealing a BFF crush is one thing, perhaps with time the wound will heal. But adultery is not a knife slash requirinng dozens of stitches, it is a bullet to the heart. This the WS either can understand and remorse sets in or they if they can't regret with Blameshifting and minimizing. The latter will poison you for life.

 

I have come to believe that a BS must seek IC first before MC. The shock of the wound is often fatal. In fact shock was at one time the primary cause of death from a wound. For now focus on finding a good IC one who is ground in books like "His needs, Her Needs" "5 Love Lanauges" "How to help your spouse heal from an affair" and "Not Just Friends".

 

Above all else the IC must recognize that the trauma of adultery must be the primary focus and the issues in the marriage secondary until the truama has been stababilized.

[misspalmy]

why do you put up with her? lots of fish in the sea.

[ConInLA]

I think that's what has been the hardest for me. She did all this for some immature kid who was playing games with her. He wouldn't even take her to dinner, or call her on the phone. Just jerk her around and send pictures of his body to her.

 

Maybe she just fell out of love. Or, maybe the routine of married life with kids is boring to her. What did she expect? Of course our lives will change when we have children. But, grow up and adapt. Yeah, there will be less time for travel and fun things - but it's not like she had any hobbies, interests, or real friends before. I'm the one who gave up all of my extracurricular activities when we had children, and I did it voluntarily and without complaint. It sucks to hear her say stuff like, "I just thought the OM did interesting things", and I'm left sitting here thinking... "oh really? The guy with zero responsibilities who has time to do things?"

 

OP, you and your wife sound similar to me and husband. We got together at 19 and have been together for almost 10 years now (5 married). We also have two children. Our situation is different, I did have a physical affair for a few months.

 

In regards to this posting, I think this speaks to some sort of lack of an emotional component in your marriage. Looking back, this is where my marriage was lacking. I couldn't recognize it and even if I did, I had no clue how to communicate it to my spouse. Sounds crazy, right? I never learned how to properly communicate anything to my husband about my emotional needs. Partly due to never seeing a healthy relationship growing up and an emotional refusal to do so because of major abandonment issues due to my father.

 

This is what happens when two people get together before they learn the basics of relationships and life. With that said, that's one of the reasons that marriage is such a beautiful thing. You are literally growing together. I think instead of thinking about what your wife did and didn't do, think about ways to better your marriage. You have to decide if that's what you truly want. Underneath your hurt, you are forgetting that this is the woman that you chose to spend the rest of your life with. That tells me that there must be SOMETHING that you saw in her.

 

Of course people can change. I'm in the process now and I can tell you that it is a long and hard road. You can't expect it to be done overnight. Y'all have to put the work in. She absolutely needs to find a therapist. A good therapist can work miracles in her. Note that I said: GOOD. If I were you, I would make it mandatory. The further I get out of the "fog", the more I think how insane it was for me to step outside of my marriage. I must have been out of my mind. It makes me sick to my stomach now but it took me a LONG time to get here. I was still walking around high on dopamine and oxytocin.

 

Another thing: transparency. It sounds like y'all may be doing a lot of rug sweeping. Mainly her. There was a time when I was angry at my husband for making me tell him SO many details but now I thank him for it. It's hard to look in the mirror and admit to your faults but he made me do it and I'm thankful for it. Your wife sounds emotionally immature like I was. Me and my husband are both realizing that we both need to be better in this department. You're absolutely right though; life changes once kids come and it had become a huge stressor for me.

 

Start with the mandatory IC and request that she start setting proper boundaries. She needs to block the guy; everywhere! He's an addiction and more than likely has become an "escape" for her, which is the worst type of affair. It will take her some time but you need to be firm. If you both truly want it, in time you can rebuild your marriage. It's going to take work. The older generation wasn't lying!

[Mr Blunt]

I gather from your posts that your wife betrayed you by living in a fantasy with some punk on the internet but did not have any sexual contact with him. Am I right?

 

If I am right then her betrayal is not the worst kind, I know that does not make you feel any better but if that is all there is then I would say that you would have a good chance at a successful R. However, you indicated that your wife is insecure, immature, and seems to have a strong desire to be told that she is good looking and desirable by men. In addition you stated:

 

She's really negative. She's controlling. She's closed-minded. She's one of those people that looks for reasons to be unhappy, and will always find a way to get there. Now, I also know she's a cheater and a liar

Your statement above tells me that you have a lot more to consider than her betrayal. In addition, she does not want to go to IC. You stated that she is doing everything to make you feel safe. Not wanting to go to IC seems to contradict doing everything to make you feel safe.

 

Based on your posts I would say that your wife seems to be very shaken by her betrayal and wants to make it up to you. As for the betrayal, her taking the Polygraphs and now willing to take more is a very good sign. However, her not wanting to go to IC is not a good sign.

 

Her other negative qualities that you mentioned are substantial and seem like a lot of trouble for you. I think it would be harder for her to get those negative qualities in much better shape than it would be for her to stop looking to other men for attention. She is very scarred about the betrayal making you divorce her and she depends on you for a whole LOT!!

 

I know that you are accessing your life and that is very good but also get professional help and also get information from people that have been somewhat in your shoes and have many years past D-day. Based upon what you have written so far I would say that you would be better off starting another life without her. However, if she can show real substantial changes in those negative qualities that you mentioned, for a LONG TIME, then you may have a real good chance at having a decent R.

Edited July 23, 2017 by Mr Blunt

[merrmeade]

What I see you doing in most of your posts, lunar, is laying out the explanation as you understand it, about what she did and why. It seems to me that you need desperately to make sense of it and find a way to forgive and reconcile.

 

But the problem is that all the explanations do not change the fact that she could blow all care to the wind, all commitment, concern for your welfare and what causes you pain and betray you in the most egregious way possible for a married person. They also do not explain the complete reversal and sudden regret when she was caught. This is what we all tend to gloss over at first. It's very telling that discovery makes them say that it didn't mean anything and they were never going to leave. How is that possible? If that's true, then they would have stopped themselves. But they didn't. They were caught and then found remorse.

 

That's where you have to spend time in my opinion. It took me 4 years to realize how shallow and emotionally duplicitous he was being to make thing all right just to protect his public image.

 

I see you as someone who must have right away the truth and facts right away. Do not wait five years to realize what it all really means is that you're still married to a person you don't respect because her value system and mental state are warped and unstable. Also, there's no real redemption for someone who was forgiven and let off the hook. Thye HAVE to suffer for the pain caused. If not, you will resent it and she will never get i.

 

my two cents - if it makes sense

[Just a Guy]

Great post Merrmeade. This could not have been expressed in a better way! It amounts to flogging a dead horse and I hope Lunar gets it. Warm wishes.

[lunarnaut]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

I have a lot to consider.

 

I'll post an update later.