dealing with anger/resentment

[fieldoflavender]

I'm so upset at this. Sigh, there is expensive clothing in his personal belongings. The worst is that he told me a month ago that we should exchange it "another day" which means he did not give me permission to get rid of it. That was my second time asking him. My first time was when I Discovered it with my stuff his family packed and told him and he said let's wait another day.

 

This time - the third time, he is actually completely ignoring me. I've been googling for hours what my own legal rights are if he decides to sue me and say that "oh I never got the message". I texted, and then e-mailed his work e-mail.

 

I don't know if I need to do registered mail. I am pretty fed up I have to do this to be honest. Why can't he man up and act like an adult and just tell me what he wants done with his own personal belongings? And yeah, it's a whole bunch of stuff that I can't exactly mail or drop off since it' s not a house, and I don't feel safe legally just getting rid of it but I feel controlled by him being like "oh another day" again and again. It's been like over a month - this is getting ridiculous.

[fieldoflavender]

Hahaha, I read that article last week! Was blowing my mind that ex doesn't own much yet he was stalling on coming to get it, so I went on a Google spree.

 

I personally don't bother with the immature trivial crap. He accidentally took some of my towels, and they weren't cheap, but they also weren't expensive so whatever, enjoy your new towels, ex! Not gonna chase after him over those. If I did, I know me, it's cause I'm using them as an excuse to keep in touch.

 

If they left a cheap scarf and some toiletries, whatever, I'd throw them out. Again, not chasing after you over nothing.

 

There is a strange burden of holding on to things that have value tho. On one hand you want everything of theirs gone so you don't have daily reminders of them, knowing they're coming back, emotionally preparing yourself to see them again and worry how they're going to act. So draining. But you feel like you can't just toss it out, sell it or tell them to come get it, it's on the curb, cuz you don't know what's going on with them. They may be avoiding it cuz they're super upset and don't want to puke in your face and burst into tears when they see you (and I get that) or they're just being a punk and decided it's not worth the hassle even tho its something you know they'd want.

 

People are always quick to say "tell them if they don't get it by whatever date, it will be on the curb!" and ok, that's fine if you're teenagers/young adults and we're talking about a hoodie, a couple cds, and a stuffed animal. Am I going to put an entire expensive bedroom set, a 45" tv, laptops, designer clothes, a massive dvd/blueray collection, and personal items such as family photos, tax returns, souvenirs etc out on the curb? C'mon, no lol.

 

I can't remember the article clearly, but my interpretation was she meant the trivial junk and has never lived with someone, which is a whole new can of worms.

 

What did you end up doing with those expensive things Chin Up? Did the person at least respond to your attempts to try to work out a solution?

[Chin Up]

He moved a out a little over a month ago, and had a friend with a truck come by. I should mention in addition to the items I mentioned above, there's also a couple large storage bins of random things, a box of pots/pans, and pricey scotch decanter and glass set I had got him for his bday.

 

With his friend with the truck, they could have had him moved out in 1 day, with around 4 trips. Day he moved out, he took his bed set and frame, large dresser and mirror, and armoire (sp?) and off they went first trip. He came back a while later, alone, and said he told his friend that was all the help he needed. ????

 

He filled his car with a few drawers from the dressers and went back, and stayed there. Has been there since. We've had light contact regarding his things and he slowly removed them. He was supposed to come with a friend last sat to remove the last of it, but came alone. Sigh.

 

So the remaining things are 2 nice bedside tables (which I don't mind keeping), tons of dvds/bluray (don't mind), the pots/pans/scotch set (don't mind) and a bin of books (don't mind).

 

I was really stressed and ticked when I realized there was one last trip, but when I looked around, I realized I'm not bothered with keeping them for myself lol I'm no longer chasing after him to get his **** gone cuz it's not worth the headache, and if/when he says he's coming by for it, no prob cuz it's the last time I'd see him again.

 

If I was you, I'd put his crap in a box and out of sight. Wait til your not still upset about the b/u and then deal with it. It's easy to assign more meaning and value to an exs things, than an ex actually has for it.

 

Case in point, the painting from the article. She assigned a bunch of reasons as to why he should want to come get it lol which I found funny cuz seriously, wtf is he going to do with a painting of him and his ex. ???

 

I get the impression it's not a lot of things, or large things? Put them aside and forget about them for now.

Edited July 13, 2017 by Chin Up

[whatnot]

fieldoflavender .....

 

 

Go buy a card board box that's big enough for his stuff. Put his stuff in it. Take the box to UPS...or any other shipping Co.

 

Send it to his address.

 

It's over. No muss. No fuss.

 

 

(I had to do this with 4 expensive chairs that my ex left at my place. It got to the point that I just couldn't stand looking at them anymore. It was a LDR. It costs some bucks....but it's the best way to handle this)

[whatnot]

About his family....

 

 

His family knows him pretty darn well. You do not know what is going on in their heart of hearts....as to his family's feelings about all of this.

 

My sister had an affair. Her and her husband had always been the best of friends since they first met. Her husband is great guy. He has no interest in womanizing. He makes a good living. He's not a complainer. He's always upbeat. He doesn't take stuff personally. My family likes him. What's not to like?....

 

But..."He's not meeting my needs....." so she had an affair. My family supported her. (not her affair...but emotionally speaking....)...my mom..."I just want her to be happy". that sort of thing. Soooo.....

 

End of the story is....they reconciled and that's been 20 years ago. (they're happier than they've ever been....in their 60's...he's getting ready to retire).

 

 

I say that to say this.....back then...when my sister was having her affair...my family thought she was NUTS. But...that did not stop most of us from supporting her. She's blood. She's family.

 

(I'm the only one who called her nuts to her face....but...that's another story).

 

Anyway....my family....between themselves would say she's lost her way...and she's making a mistake...and she's this and she's that...but they never said that to her. (you don't beat a family member when they're down....you don't say hurtful things to a family member when they're going through difficult times.....you tend to support them....you tend to take their side.....because....you don't want to create bad feelings within the family)

 

 

Therefore...you do not know....nor do you have anyway of knowing...what his family really thinks of things....in their heart of hearts....what his parents say to one another when they go to bed at night to each other....about their son.

 

Stop believing you know. They knew him long before you did.

 

Good luck with things lavender....

 

take care

 

and mail that stuff to him.

[whatnot]

You're a good person lavender or you wouldn't feel bad about throwing his stuff out or giving him an ultimatum. You have a conscience or you wouldn't be wanting to do what's right.

 

Mail his crap back to him. That's doing this on your terms....*not* his. Do this for yourself. It's worth the money (it's also the right thing to do...it's kind....and will help you with your resentment....in the long haul). That money you spend to send his stuff to him...you're spending that on yourself. Not him. It's keeping your integrity in tact. That's worth some cash. Look at it that way. It's money well spent.....on your own well-being. (because...it is)

 

take care

 

PS...he will remember you did this for him for the rest of his life.

 

 

 

You'll find another man....when the time's is right....but that's another issue. You're gonna be just fine lavender. Your inner turmoil over this proves it.

Edited July 13, 2017 by whatnot

[fieldoflavender]

Thanks guys for all your support and sharing your personal stories, I love this forum =) I guess I am not completely unemotional about the things - well my place is not that big, and it's close to where I put my shoes on and I can't keep going like this - looking at it every day as I put my shoes on to go in and out.

 

I think you guys are right - I'm too emotional right now to deal with this. I'm going to move the stuff to somewhere else in my building out of sight. That way at least I am legally protected if his family or him wants to do something crazy like sue me or something. And then they can have their stuff back at that point.

 

I would like to be able to send it back - but I don't think I am ready to do that now without hurting my self-worth. There's too much hurt over what he did to me. Maybe in a few months, I will know whether I want to donate or whether I want to give his stuff back then and maybe then if he has not contacted me yet, he doesn't want his stuff either.

 

And this is likely super super naive, but part of me wants to give him the last lesson - we have to face difficulties in our lives, no matter how hard. People can support us - but we should be able to face them. What happens if his family really isn't around? He's just going to run away each time? I obviously have zero control over what happens to him in the future but I have allowed him to run away from too many things during our relationship, and maybe this is the best I can do for him to show him that some things you have to face yourself to earn respect for yourself. Not being ready is okay - but ignoring people you have been in a long term relationship with and running away from your problems is not a long term solution.

 

As for his family - I don't know exactly what they are thinking, but based on the objective facts - I do believe they are largely responsible for why their kids are unable to face their problems. Based on the way they talk - there is a lot of blame of external factors or other people but the finger never goes to their own. I believe in supporting family, but self-awareness and accountability is very important.

 

And hence I will never take 100% responsibility for the failure of this relationship. Each person needs to look within themselves.

 

I wanted to write a different ending for me and him where we could both be more compassionate towards each other during a time of hardship - but I can not do that alone.

 

With the stuff, I think the biggest problem is that to me - it is a lot of money. Money that he had and his family had and that I do not have. I don't like the idea of having expensive stuff in my hands - even when it was gifted to me from him or his family and certainly when it absolutely does not belong to me. But there are items in there that can not really be shipped. I don't know what value he attached to the things. But maybe out of sight for a while while a lot of other stuff is going on in my life is not a bad idea.

 

Chin_up I hope that the last of removing his stuff will go smoothly (I won't say well since this type of stuff never really goes "well"). I guess the hardest part in this is the fact he is giving me the silent treatment. I can't mind read if someone wants or does not want their stuff. And thanks whatnot - I will see how I feel at this end of this week. I know what he will do (i.e. not reply) but I will have to see how I feel.

[Chin Up]

I've hit the point where when I do see him it's really awkward and yucky lol. Not cuz im happy to see him, but if he managed to catch me on an off day (and luckily those are almost non existent now) I might burst into tears and feel a massive need for him to get his **** and the hell gone asap cuz im still hurting for him.

 

I'm one of those of people where during a breakup I hurt hard, but I also hurt fast. So one week I'm distraught his shiz is still here. But next week I honestly don't care. I'm at the igaf point, but I have my my moments of weakness.

 

I learn something from every breakup and relationship, and this was an interesting one, cuz of the whole "is he coming for his ****? Why's his **** still here? Why do I still have his ****??!!"

 

I'm the sort during a b/u where I immediately get all my crap, get the hell out and do my best to move on. I've realized everyone's different and some want to get out, but need time and space to recover before getting their things, or they use their things to slowly detach (My ex is in this case and I'm cool with it now) or a means of hanging on.

 

Breakups really ****ing suck lol and when stuffs involved it complicates things more (thank god I don't want to get married or have kids cuz it would a royal shizshow)

 

I've hit a calm where the things he has left behind mean nothing. They really don't. I was stressing so hard over him getting them, but you know what? It's just stuff! If he isn't worried about getting it back, why should I worry about giving it to him?

 

Have a grace period in case they're confused or scared ****less to come get it, put it away, and then when you're ok with things, do what you want with it. Idk how stuff works down there (but watching ppls court has led me to think you guys love suing eachother and will go after your own mom's for $20 lol!) but if you have text/email proof you tried to give him his crap and he screwed around, you're all good. You're not a storage facility. Believe when I say you won't even care if his craps around cuz psh, it really is just stuff.

[fieldoflavender]

Yeah I think we are similar - I like to face my problems whereas he likes to run away from his problems. And hence we didn't work out (amongst a million other reasons but sadly there were reasons that we did work at some points and that's why we are both hurting...well then again I can only speak for myself).

 

But you are facing him and he is facing you. I even put a middle person in it - my building person. I had to get my stuff publicly from his family. If I could do that 1 day after break-up, then he can man up and get his stuff from a third party more than a month after the break-up. Or have the guts just to say I don't want my stuff.

 

Not everyone has wads of cash floating around to send large pieces when the person lives blocks away.

 

I think I will reach that point too when it's the stuff. I guess it's more about the interaction with him - I don't really want to interact anymore and if we had dealt with all this stuff, then there would be no reason to interact with him. I mean I can't stop him from texting me (I don't believe in blocking someone unless they were stalking/harassing me) but I would not have an obligation to respond. Well I guess he feels he has no obligation to respond despite leaving his stuff at my place with no instruction on what to do with it.

 

And he also needs to make up his mind what he wants. Given he was the dumper, then he needs to be able to let go. During the first post breakup we were both emotional and had set up this nice meeting 2 months later, but at this point, and based on he is acting, I don't want to see him again without a proper apology for his actions. Maybe that's bothering him - but that cute little meeting can be a separate thing from the practicality of just getting your stuff out of my life. If I want to meet you again later, then it depends on my mood/emotions, but at this point, ending the obligatory stuff would be healthy to move on for both of us. He can't have his cake and eat it too. You can't keep distance yet want me to still have you on my mind and life. I mean he's made it clear he has no wishes for reconciliation and I've accepted it and I just want to move on.

[fieldoflavender]

I got legal advice today. Sigh - I'm toying with just dumping it somewhere to forget about it - I guess it takes time, but I guess it'll still annoy me because I know some day I would still have to deal with it.

 

The other option is to mail a registered letter with a 2 week notice or something. If he doesn't reply and signed for it - then I am pretty much good legally to do whatever I want with it. And the nice thing is to get this **** out of my life in 2 weeks.

 

It's such a power struggle on his part - his last attempt to control my emotions/life. I am going to try to be strong so that it doesn't. The only good this has done is really completely help me get over him. If I had any inklings of getting back together, well this definitely drove the nail to the coffin.

[Chin Up]

I personally don't think he cares about it. He's summed them up as "casualties of war".

 

Wondering if, when, why he's coming for them or not will drive you nuts. None of the things of his that you have are worth his effort. If you were sitting there on his couch, watching his tv, with his dog, and the closet was still brimming with all his clothes, ok..def gonna wonder.

 

This isn't about his stuff anymore, this is now about you holding onto his stuff cuz it's a badly disguised means of holding on to him. Sorry to be blunt, but we've all been there.

 

Toss it in a box and either stash it, or send it off. If I was you I'd send it and be done with it. Just as you're using it as a means to pop up, he might do the same thing months from now (but I highly doubt it) and don't hang onto it in the very slim chance he does, cuz that's leaving you to sit around waiting in case he maybe finally texts you, only to realize he's never going to and be choked at yourself that you sat around dwelling on his meaningless crap instead of getting over him.

 

He can buy new shirts, sunglasses, whatever he left behind, but you can't buy back the time you spend analyzing a pile of junk he's written off as gone.

 

Ship it off and be done with it, it will feel good!

[fieldoflavender]

You're right - well I'm just going to move it out of sight for the time being. Maybe it's a cop-out, but I already told him I was going to donate it by the end of this week. So he should disappear unless he wants to pursue legal action against me as part of vindictiveness if his brain goes short wire (unlikely but who knows). The deadline I gave him is pretty much up so I can at least move on from that. Life goes on.

 

There was also this other pact we had as well - that next month we would meet again at the place we first met. Yes I know incredibly silly and it was my idea initially post breakup and we had both promised. But at this point I know all those promises during and after the relationship are utterly useless. But maybe both of us are hanging onto to that.

 

I think what we (well again can only speak for myself) are hanging onto - is not necessarily a reconciliation - we understand that much. It's more that - a nice ending is still nice. You want to know that the person still cares. But yes futile, I get that.

 

I will have to see how I feel that day - maybe I will still go (and yes, sadly maybe hope that he will show up and apologize for all the hurt and maybe we won't hate each other....but yeah no I know), but perhaps that will bring me the final closure.

 

The good thing is - each day although with its ups and downs is getting better. I am getting stronger overall. And going back into NC indefinitely (likely forever now) will be a good step. Everytime NC is broken is a step backwards, but after this, there will be absolutely no reason to break NC. Like you said - the stuff is casualties in his eyes, the stuff will be stashed somewhere I can't see it for months. And when I'm ready to get rid of it for good, I will be a new person and it will just be spring cleaning at that point. Thanks guys =) I wish I was a bigger person to send it, but what his family did - I can't and I know it would hurt my family if I did. So meh. A compromise?