CptInsano Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Quite possibly due to his drive, and his unwillingness to compromise on his goals and ambitions. But then he doesn't need to be in a relationship to begin with, because there will be compromise or the relationship won't work. The responsibility is on the person who is not getting their needs met in a relationship to end it. If they don't, it's usually because needs are being met. Sorry, I would agree if this was a business relationship. If somebody loves you, but you know that they are not for you, then you do have an obligation not to give them false hope. The other person may not be able to act rationally. And while it is not a question of life and death, I do see it as a question of integrity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bastile Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 But then he doesn't need to be in a relationship to begin with, because there will be compromise or the relationship won't work. You are assuming that he isn't managing his compromise. Which he quite clearly is. I'm not sure that he's overly concerned about whether it works or not. Which is often a very desirable trait for a man to have. Sorry, I would agree if this was a business relationship. If somebody loves you, but you know that they are not for you, then you do have an obligation not to give them false hope. The other person may not be able to act rationally. And while it is not a question of life and death, I do see it as a question of integrity. It seems that you are suggesting a man should never have any relationship with a high-interest woman unless he is willing to escalate the relationship. In other words behaving in course with every expectation a woman has. I obviously disagree. I've actually found that to be completely impractical through my own experience. It's not something that is a reasonable expectation for anything other than the serial-monogamist. It's very extreme. Often times, the moralist is actually expressing views of a world in which he can get his own needs met. Typically through serial monogamy. As it's the only way to behave with proper conduct under such unreasonable expectations. As for this gent? I think it was a mistake allowing her to move with him. But, as I said, he and she were getting needs met. So, there you are. Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 You are assuming that he isn't managing his compromise. Which he quite clearly is. [...] I would say that he is accepting a compromise as far as the situation is concerned. I don't think he is compromising much on her behalf. It seems that you are suggesting a man should never have any relationship with a high-interest woman unless he is willing to escalate the relationship. I would have worded it differently, but this is essentially correct. Not letting her assume something which clearly is not. In other words behaving in course with every expectation a woman has. False. This is about truthfulness, not about a power struggle. What type of relationships you prefer is a completely different question, as long as all parties have the same understanding of what that relationship is. Link to post Share on other sites
Bastile Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I would say that he is accepting a compromise as far as the situation is concerned. I don't think he is compromising much on her behalf. Did you ever stop to think that you're telling a guy, that has a woman chasing him around the country, that he's doing it wrong? I would have worded it differently, but this is essentially correct. Not letting her assume something which clearly is not. You think that we're expected to be mind-readers, and come up with solutions to problems that may or may not exist in another person's head - regardless of self-interest. That's quite bizarre. I take responsibility for a lot of things in my role as a man in relationships, but I'm not taking responsibility for that. Always going to be a stretch to try and make somebody responsible for other people's projections. If we take OP's case as an example, he isn't saying he doesn't want to be with her. He's saying that he wants to be with her under certain conditions: which is the same as any relationship that existed ever. Don't think that she doesn't/won't have conditions too. There's a real limit to how much you can disregard personal responsibility or self-interest (unless OP's girlfriend has special needs, or something). As I said, personally I wouldn't allow a woman that I wasn't very seriously invested in to move anywhere with me. But, it doesn't mean that others won't – or that I expect that they won't, and can't adapt my thinking to fit a relationship that has that dynamic. Relationships are far more fluid than you are giving them credit for. False. This is about truthfulness, not about a power struggle. What type of relationships you prefer is a completely different question, as long as all parties have the same understanding of what that relationship is. What “truth” is that? Is it more “truthful” to go and do something that you don't really want to do – placating others in order to keep getting your needs met? The moral argument that you're trying to make here is really an argument for subjugating your boundaries, particularly as a man, in order to better serve other people to keep them as long as possible. I'm not sure you can re-frame that into “truthfulness”, imo. And I don't even think that it's really moral. Generosity of spirit is always best when not coming from a place of seeking reciprocation. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted June 24, 2017 Share Posted June 24, 2017 You feel it's too soon to meet her family? Well ... I don't think a 4 month marker is an inappropriate time to introduce your SO to family. I have since learned not to introduce the new bf to friends until about the 3 month marker. Family? Maybe about 5/6 months. if you introduce the new SO to friends/family immediately, something not good happens. The friends/family assume things about that person, and/or the new SO assumes things about them and then it's over with. Is it because you think it's too soon to meet her family? Have you met friends yet? If so how did you react to them? Whatever the case may be, you have to tell her ASAP that you are not keen on this. And have a reason behind it other than a lame "I don't want to because I don't want to" or "I don't want to because I don't want to be serious". I also hope you are ready for her to not be pleased with you because of this and be ready for her reaction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted June 24, 2017 Share Posted June 24, 2017 Did you ever stop to think that you're telling a guy, that has a woman chasing him around the country, that he's doing it wrong? So the end justifies the means? But yes, thank you for this revealing insight. You think that we're expected to be mind-readers, and come up with solutions to problems that may or may not exist She wants to relocate for him and meet her family? What part about that is mindreading, exactly? Truthfulness has nothing to do with serving others. It's something that you do for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 24, 2017 Share Posted June 24, 2017 OP did you break up with her? Link to post Share on other sites
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