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he won't have sex with me unless i give him money ...i'm addicted to him ...

meta.morphate

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meta.morphate Member

meta.morphate

Posted
Posted (edited)

I don't know where else to post this. I have never told anyone this ever. Not one single person on Earth, I've been keeping this secret for years.

 

 

I need to tell someone.

 

 

I started having sex with a guy from work four years ago. He approached me in my office, we started a casual sexual relationship. Quickly, he started asking for small "favors" ... buy lunch for us, a pack of cigarettes here and there ... That escalated to him asking for weed, which at first I told him I could get fronted, and eventually lied and told him I could get it for free, because one, I wanted to impress him, and two, I didn't want to make myself look desperate and pathetic by admitting I was BUYING him weed.

 

 

That went on for maybe a year or two. Then he stopped asking for weed and started asking for money. I easily switched to giving him money, because I was already spending money on him anyways. It got to the point, somewhere along the line, where it became EXPECTED that I give him money, and he come over and have sex with me.

 

 

He also started spending more time with me. He had a girlfriend when we started hooking up, and I had a man, and I broke up with my man, and he eventually broke up with his girl (or vice versa, I'm sure). He started spending hours a day with me. He started seeing me every day. We started eating dinner together and watching TV together and he started sleeping over. Not all the time, but enough.

 

 

Now it's like we're in a relationship, but we're not. He still asks for money. He will won't come over if I don't give him money. He never directly says this but he shows it thru his actions. I don't even know if he's bluffing or not, because I don't even let it get to that point - I always give in, because I feel addicted to him. I care for him. I do. He doesn't care for me. I always can't believe that ... I always feel like, he MUST care for me. In some way, this MUST not be as big of a deal as I make it in my head, and he cares for me, he just wants money. If he was my man, I'd spend money on him no problem, so I justify it in my head like that.

 

 

He has sex with other girls. He says he doesn't, but I know he does because condoms appeared in his wallet last week. He says he's seeing his kids or whatnot but my instinct tells me he's lying. He lies a lot. About everything. He lied and said he was still with his girl after they were broken up. He lies about where he lives, even though I pick him up from where he lives ... he lies all the time, and he is a good liar, but I KNOW he's lying, and when I do call him out on it, he tells me I'm crazy, that I make things up, he gets defensive, or just starts repeating what I've said as questions, as if what I'm saying is just so absurd he can't process it ... I've read about narcissism and if it's not him, he has many qualities of a narcissist. But its hard to believe about someone you know and are involved with.

 

 

I used to get so upset. I would cry, sob, I would just literally cry my heart out. I would write all the time. I would try to manipulate him. I used to stalk him on social media but I've deleted my FB since then (which was the best thing I've done for my sanity). I would cut myself, but I haven't since October 22 of last year because I couldn't stop bleeding and I got scared that I'd have to get stitches.

 

 

But now, I am almost numb. I don't care about anything. It doesn't matter what he does. I forgive him because he's hurt me so completely that he can't hurt me anymore .... but under all that numbness, I know I'm really suffering, and NO ONE KNOWS. NO ONE. Not my best friend, not my family, not a random stranger I've met and talked to. I've been carrying this f****** up secret with me for four years. People know I mess with him. They don't know about the money.

 

 

I don't know how to function. I try to leave and then I know I'm not really leaving. I feel so pathetic and desperate and broken and damaged and just ... like something is wrong with me. I'm not ugly. I'm not bad in bed. I'm not un-fun. I have a good job, I'm graduating with my master's degree next year, I have friends and family and my own place and my own car, and there are guys who try to be with me and I don't pay them any mind because I'm living this awful secret and I'm so scared to be without it, I don't even know HOW to be without it. I've tried no contact. I've decided if I'm truly done I need to not even NEED no contact, I need to be able to text back and say I'm done with you and mean it.

 

 

But maybe that's wrong.

 

 

Someone please, please tell me what's wrong with me. Or him. Or this.

Edited by meta.morphate
CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

Posted
Posted

This post makes me very sad for you. You deserve so much better than this :(.

  • Like 10
crystalstevens Member

crystalstevens

Posted
Posted
I don't know where else to post this. I have never told anyone this ever. Not one single person on Earth, I've been keeping this secret for years.

 

 

I need to tell someone.

 

 

I started having sex with a guy from work four years ago. He approached me in my office, we started a casual sexual relationship. Quickly, he started asking for small "favors" ... buy lunch for us, a pack of cigarettes here and there ... That escalated to him asking for weed, which at first I told him I could get fronted, and eventually lied and told him I could get it for free, because one, I wanted to impress him, and two, I didn't want to make myself look desperate and pathetic by admitting I was BUYING him weed.

 

 

That went on for maybe a year or two. Then he stopped asking for weed and started asking for money. I easily switched to giving him money, because I was already spending money on him anyways. It got to the point, somewhere along the line, where it became EXPECTED that I give him money, and he come over and have sex with me.

 

 

He also started spending more time with me. He had a girlfriend when we started hooking up, and I had a man, and I broke up with my man, and he eventually broke up with his girl (or vice versa, I'm sure). He started spending hours a day with me. He started seeing me every day. We started eating dinner together and watching TV together and he started sleeping over. Not all the time, but enough.

 

 

Now it's like we're in a relationship, but we're not. He still asks for money. He will won't come over if I don't give him money. He never directly says this but he shows it thru his actions. I don't even know if he's bluffing or not, because I don't even let it get to that point - I always give in, because I feel addicted to him. I care for him. I do. He doesn't care for me. I always can't believe that ... I always feel like, he MUST care for me. In some way, this MUST not be as big of a deal as I make it in my head, and he cares for me, he just wants money. If he was my man, I'd spend money on him no problem, so I justify it in my head like that.

 

 

He has sex with other girls. He says he doesn't, but I know he does because condoms appeared in his wallet last week. He says he's seeing his kids or whatnot but my instinct tells me he's lying. He lies a lot. About everything. He lied and said he was still with his girl after they were broken up. He lies about where he lives, even though I pick him up from where he lives ... he lies all the time, and he is a good liar, but I KNOW he's lying, and when I do call him out on it, he tells me I'm crazy, that I make things up, he gets defensive, or just starts repeating what I've said as questions, as if what I'm saying is just so absurd he can't process it ... I've read about narcissism and if it's not him, he has many qualities of a narcissist. But its hard to believe about someone you know and are involved with.

 

 

I used to get so upset. I would cry, sob, I would just literally cry my heart out. I would write all the time. I would try to manipulate him. I used to stalk him on social media but I've deleted my FB since then (which was the best thing I've done for my sanity). I would cut myself, but I haven't since October 22 of last year because I couldn't stop bleeding and I got scared that I'd have to get stitches.

 

 

But now, I am almost numb. I don't care about anything. It doesn't matter what he does. I forgive him because he's hurt me so completely that he can't hurt me anymore .... but under all that numbness, I know I'm really suffering, and NO ONE KNOWS. NO ONE. Not my best friend, not my family, not a random stranger I've met and talked to. I've been carrying this f****** up secret with me for four years. People know I mess with him. They don't know about the money.

 

 

I don't know how to function. I try to leave and then I know I'm not really leaving. I feel so pathetic and desperate and broken and damaged and just ... like something is wrong with me. I'm not ugly. I'm not bad in bed. I'm not un-fun. I have a good job, I'm graduating with my master's degree next year, I have friends and family and my own place and my own car, and there are guys who try to be with me and I don't pay them any mind because I'm living this awful secret and I'm so scared to be without it, I don't even know HOW to be without it. I've tried no contact. I've decided if I'm truly done I need to not even NEED no contact, I need to be able to text back and say I'm done with you and mean it.

 

 

But maybe that's wrong.

 

 

Someone please, please tell me what's wrong with me. Or him. Or this.

 

RUN. Run far and away from everything. this "man" is a sponge and YOU need to prioritize yourself and YOUR needs first. He's just draining your wallet and treats you lower than dirt. He sees you as nothing but an ATM machine with a vagina.

 

I'm not here to berate you, but this will only go as far as you let him. And so far, he's already succeeded in destroying you emotionally and now, financially.

 

You deserve so much better.

  • Like 7
thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted (edited)

He doesn't value you, and the way your post reads this is no surprise as its not like he promised you the moon and the stars and now he's changed ..

 

This just turned into a garden variety Sugar Momma situation-right from the beginning.....Women do it to guys, and have been forever....If you aren't down with that, then end it and find a proper boyfriend....or you can find yourself a donkey, too.....

 

You say its' "like" a relationship....That's only your interpretation of it...For him, I am sure he views you as a Sugar Momma and nothing else..Women aren't wired to think this way, but the way guys justify it(not that its anything Id ever do, btw),. is that they are paying for companionship. sex and whatever else they get from it.....People pay for stupid stuff like weed and other drugs, cigs, booze, gambling, etc, all the time ...This is just another way of paying for frivolities in your life...They approach it pragmatically and take the emotional part out of the equation...

 

But really its pretty simple ...You knew it from the start...I don't know what you were expecting of him, when he has given you every sign and hasn't promised you anything...I'd be far more sympathetic if he led you on...I don't see it as that..Heck you even admitted the whole thing started as a hookup/sex thing...

 

Just move on and consider it a lesson learned..This situation just isnt for you...Simple as that..

 

TFY

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Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic ~T
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meta.morphate Member

meta.morphate

Posted
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I've thought about getting therapy before ... I'm still thinking about it, but as I said, I've never shared this story with anyone before and I'm not sure how people will react to it, and I know the therapist isn't going to put their personal opinions into it (hopefully) but even posting this was like a "coming out" or letting go of the secret, so I hope that's a first step.

 

 

I do know what the situation is, that's why I fear something is wrong with me. I was never abused as a child, I didn't have a great relationship with my mother because she was constantly invalidating me throughout my childhood, but I had a wonderful relationship with my dad (still do), my mom and I have become friends now that I'm grown ... my first relationship with a boy lasted five years and became very physically abusive, and although I feel like I've moved past that ... last night when I was writing this post, and reading other posts, and reading a book suggested in the "what worked for you about getting over gaslighting, etc" post .... I found that I wasn't thinking so much about the guy in my original post at all, but my ex-boyfriend, and the feelings I had during that relationship. So maybe I'm looking for that badass guy who is going to love me and care for me, but I'm looking in all the wrong places and holding out hope when I shouldn't.

 

 

It's hard to deal with the emotional manipulation piece. This guy gets into my head and literally tells me that what's going on isn't going on, "it's not like that", etc etc .... and it's just hard, when it's only me and him in the situation, to not get wrapped up in that .... there's no one else to turn to, to verify anything, even that I'm not crazy.

 

 

When the situation was just sex, it was fine. I never thought we'd get into a relationship or anything of the sort. Things just escalated and I went along for the ride, and didn't take control of anything. And I always told myself that this was temporary, and when I met someone else, I'd go with someone else. Well, I met someone else, and I felt attracted to him, went out on a few dates, but couldn't make it happen because I was still stuck up on the original dude, and so of course that read to the second guy that I wasn't interested, and he's not pursuing anything with me anymore, so I blew that opportunity.

 

 

And then I sometimes just feel I'm totally crazy and not ready for any relationship with anyone because I must have issues if I'm this deep in something so bad.

 

 

I haven't seen him since Sunday. He's tried to hang out and I've rejected him. I'm trying to stay really strong. That's why I posted here. I needed support, I needed someone to talk to, I needed advice ... I've gone two weeks without seeing him in the past four years, and somehow, he always comes back. I always let him back.

 

 

And just for the record, he does not work at my job anymore, thank God.

TheWoman Established Member

TheWoman

Posted
Posted

What you are doing is self harming, you are hurting yourself deliberately. He is just a symptom. So get rid of him and start trying to figure out what is going on inside and heal. When you are healed you will able to have a real loving relationship.

 

End it now. Text him and explain its over and you do not want to hear from him again. Block him. Go no contact on everything. Just do it.

  • Like 2
TheWoman Established Member

TheWoman

Posted
Posted

Sorry one more thing, when you try to get rid the abusive types they really ramp up. So expect 100s of texts, calls etc as he tries to weasel back in. Be ready. Block, do not reply.

  • Like 2
LivingWaterPlease Established Member

LivingWaterPlease

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Posted

Why not just tell him you've decided you'd rather have a monogamous relationship based on mutual affection rather than on exchange of currency so you're ending your relationship with him?

 

I guess you've already ended it with him, though.

  • Like 2
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Posted

What is so great about this guy that you feel you need to pay him to have sex with you? You need to get into therapy ASAP.

  • Like 1
Michelle ma Belle Established Member

Michelle ma Belle

Posted
Posted

First, you are the creator of your own chaos. Reading your opening paragraph shows that you are capable of seeing objectively to know what is right and what is wrong and yet you continue to choose to move in the direction of all things that are unhealthy and inappropriate. Your unhealthy thinking and insecurity overpowers any logical thinking and it needs to be addressed before any good can come of this.

 

Second, you need professional help. You clearly have some very deep seeded unaddressed issues that causes you to make poor choices and horrible decisions. You will never rise above any of this permanently if you don't address the things that cause you to go numb and worse, cut yourself. This is super serious and not something to be ignored. Please get help!

 

Third, the two work hand in hand. Get the professional help you need, do the work that is required (and it WILL be HARD work) and you will inevitably make better life choices and recognize your worth which will safeguard you from falling for men like this ever again.

 

Good luck.

  • Like 5
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

He groomed you and you were desperate enough to let him. Now you're in about the same position as a prostitute with a pimp she has to pay. This is not anything any of us amateurs can help you fix, but i hope we can convince you to stop paying him and use that money instead to get help with a licensed psychologist. If you can afford him, you can afford to get the help you need.

 

I think it's possible something in your background prepared you for this in some way, but it's too complex to really guess at, so please go to a professional and get help.

  • Like 2
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meta.morphate Member

meta.morphate

Posted
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He keeps trying to hang out ... I've been strong since Sunday. Its not even that hard for me, I just have anxiety and fear that it may BECOME hard for me soon, because it always has ... no matter how mad at him I ever get, I always get to a point where I just want to see him and don't care about what he did or how I feel but right now, I'm at a point where I can't imagine him coming here to my house, and sitting beside me on the couch ... like I just can't see that happening. Much less me going to the ATM and taking out money for him.

 

 

He said we are, and always have been, friends with benefits. I told him if he thinks MY benefits are sex and HIS benefits are money, he can just go, because I don't care anymore. I hope I really mean it. I feel like I mean it but it also makes my whole mind feel like a giant question mark.

 

 

I feel afraid of being alone and how long it will be until I have someone to be excited about again and to have fun with ... but I'm trying to be strong and look for other means of support and distraction right now.

  • Like 1
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

You call what he is doing to you fun? He is using you and probably other girls too. Tell him you don't want to see him again and then block him. Make an appointment to see a therapist with the money you were going to give him. He is not the only man in the world.

  • Like 1
LivingWaterPlease Established Member

LivingWaterPlease

Posted
Posted (edited)
He keeps trying to hang out ... I've been strong since Sunday. Its not even that hard for me, I just have anxiety and fear that it may BECOME hard for me soon,........... but I'm trying to be strong and look for other means of support and distraction right now.

 

 

Relax, dear! You didn't have support with him anymore than you have support when you go to the big box store and buy cookies or ice cream. Those things are just items, like he is. And like cookies or ice cream, he's a momentary pleasure that tears you down rather than building you up.

Edited by LivingWaterPlease
angiefly Member

angiefly

Posted
Posted
He keeps trying to hang out ... I've been strong since Sunday. Its not even that hard for me, I just have anxiety and fear that it may BECOME hard for me soon, because it always has ... no matter how mad at him I ever get, I always get to a point where I just want to see him and don't care about what he did or how I feel but right now, I'm at a point where I can't imagine him coming here to my house, and sitting beside me on the couch ... like I just can't see that happening. Much less me going to the ATM and taking out money for him.

 

 

He said we are, and always have been, friends with benefits. I told him if he thinks MY benefits are sex and HIS benefits are money, he can just go, because I don't care anymore. I hope I really mean it. I feel like I mean it but it also makes my whole mind feel like a giant question mark.

 

 

I feel afraid of being alone and how long it will be until I have someone to be excited about again and to have fun with ... but I'm trying to be strong and look for other means of support and distraction right now.

 

You're basically alone right now. Being with him is limiting your potential for a real love life. Have some respect for yourself and tell him​ you're done with him and stick to it. You talk as if you have zero control but that's incorrect. You control what you do so stay away and focus on loving yourself.

  • Like 1
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meta.morphate Member

meta.morphate

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"You call what he is doing to you fun? He is using you and probably other girls too."

 

Its not fun, it's stimulating, and there are times where we are together at my house spending the night with each other and we're joking and laughing and laid up and its nice. I will miss that but it comes at a cost, and I'm not even just talking about the money. Honestly ... like the money part is messed up, but it's not even my biggest qualm.

 

 

I mean I want something new and fun and exciting ... he was the last new and exciting thing I had - because in the beginning, it was fun and exciting. That was years ago and I haven't had anything with anyone since then. So I'm trying to look forward to that and remind myself that it's inevitably coming, and all I have to do is walk away from him.

 

 

And it is somewhat comforting to know that he's doing the same things to other girls - not because I want any other girls to be hurt how I am, but just because it reminds me that he is not a good person, he wasn't a good person when I met him, and he's not being any better to any other girls because he's NOT BETTER. He's just not. I internalized a lot of what he's done to me but its been him all along.

 

 

Tonight is feeling hard. I had a great girls night last night, just what I needed ... but now, it's Friday, I'm used to getting a text and I know it's not coming, and I don't want to want it to come ... I just want to feel empowered and good like I did last night and earlier this morning. I have to learn to be okay with being alone.

 

 

I know I've put myself in this predicament but it doesn't make it any less painful and uncomfortable.

  • Like 1
don't talk to me Member

don't talk to me

Posted
Posted

I understand how loving someone who doesn't love you back gives you loads of adrenaline and strong feelings when they do act as if they care. Maybe you somehow hope this will change. But I assure it will not. He will always act like a gigolo and he will always make you feel like a fool (which you have been, no offence, but it's the truth). I have behaved like you in the past, and I know it was because I was practically raised to live with humiliation and i was taught to being selfless in a very unhealthy way.

 

Continue being strong and backup the strong words you said with actions. You need to summon all that yang energy and believe you can treat yourself with respect.

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meta.morphate Member

meta.morphate

Posted
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I always appreciate the truth even when it is harsh - often especially when it is harsh - because its what helps me change.

He did message me last night, right after I posted. He wanted to sleep over. He knows that's always what I want the most. I just can't even bring myself to see him. It really feels different this time, it feels like he would have to do SO MUCH in order for me to accept him back in my life, and he won't do it. He won't even pretend to do it or try to do it or do part of it ... he wants me to just get over things he does and carry on as usual. And I always have but I've grown so much and learned so much from this situation over these past four years, its like my mind just won't even allow me to do it to myself anymore. Which feels strange and uncomfortable, and there's like this teeny part of my ..mind or heart or something ... that wants to just give in, go back to what's comfortable and familiar, but something bigger won't let that happen.

I went and played cards with my friends instead. One day at a time...

  • Like 2
turnera Established Member

turnera

Posted
Posted

I'm proud of you for standing firm. But I'll tell you something. It's a fair bet that at least a few of your friends and family know what you're doing. They don't talk about it because you don't. But what you really need most right now is one person with whom you can confide. I promise you they won't look down on you. They may feel sorry for you, and they may want to beat him up for using you, but they won't judge. Think of one person, ok?

 

And yes, you do need to find a therapist. She won't judge, either.

  • Like 2
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meta.morphate Member

meta.morphate

Posted
  • Author
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I wish I could tell one person ... I still haven't, other than this thread, I have never.

 

 

I am too ashamed.

 

 

I had never thought before that maybe my friends or family know what I'm doing ... I know my friends know I hook up with someone, but I don't know if they know how bad it's gotten ... its just so hard to see the world clearly from inside the situation ... and when it's been just me and him, in my house together day in and day out, he messes with my mind and thoughts and reality, and I just doubt everything I think and feel.

 

 

Things are getting clearer ... but he keeps texting me, trying to chill, and I have resisted (again, earlier today) ... he said, earlier today, that this would be the last time he will try to chill with me.

 

 

He said he'll get a booty call if I want to "switch things up" and "don't want to chill and **** and eat like we always do and buy me yay and bud like always".

I said, "That's not a threat to me because you do that anyways no matter what I do or don't do for you."

 

 

But it shakes me up. I don't block his number because I know well how to check my spam messages (I block lots of people) so I have to be able to resist him outright. This just all is so crazy.

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

Posted
Posted

Google "malignant narcissism."

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)

This just makes me really sad.

 

I hope someday you find the self respect to stop this self destructive behavior. You deserve so much more, but nothing will change until you decide that you are worthy love and respect. It begins, and ends, with you my dear.

 

Please find a counsellor. You have lost yourself and you have really lost your way. You will need someone to walk beside and guide you toward a better path. Best wishes.

Edited by BaileyB
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
I've grown so much and learned so much from this situation over these past four years, its like my mind just won't even allow me to do it to myself anymore.

 

I hope this is true. Because this, is what it is to have self esteem and self respect. YOU, won't put yourself in situations that are not healthy, for you.

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meta.morphate Member

meta.morphate

Posted
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^^ It feels like its true. It feels like I didn't even consciously make this choice, it's like my brain just won't let me do it to myself anymore. I can't. Truth be told, I would LOVE to still be mindlessly with him, able to justify things that he does and figure out ways to manipulate the situation or manipulate my own thoughts to make it all okay, so I could enjoy the "nice" times ... but its like the universe or something just won't let it happen. I didn't see it coming, I didn't plan it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have a dark side. Its the same side that was addicted to cocaine in the past or cut myself in the past or had an abusive relationship in the past. I plan on finding a therapist this week to talk to because I don't want this to happen again. I wish that this guy would be sorry. I wish he would acknowledge that he hurt me. I wish that he would miss me, and I would somehow know. I wish I could just have some sign from the world or from him that I wasn't just NOTHING to him.

doyathinkso Established Member

doyathinkso

Posted
Posted

Well, you kicked the cocaine habit.

 

Now you have to kick the male prostitute habit.

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