Zxcvbnm123 Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 (edited) So this girl and I have been seeing each other for quite a while now. And for some odd reason, her past bothers me...yet she's only been in 2 relationships and you can count on one hand how many guys she's been with. So not very many at all, which is hard to find these days. I've NEVER cared about a girls past ever and for some reason hers does, even tho it's not bad at all. But just the the thought of her being intimate with anyone else BUT me drives me nuts. Meanwhile, I've been with 30-35+ women, so many one night stands and casual hook ups, couple threesomes, done just about the kinkiest things in bed you could think of, and very colorful sexual past. So it doesn't make sense to me. She's very picky, beautiful woman, I know multiple guys she's turned down, yet she chased me down and wanted me bad and is now obsessed with me (not so much that it's a turn off).how do I get over this? Just time? I know others have had experience with this problem as well so need some input. Edited June 20, 2017 by Zxcvbnm123 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 (edited) It's kind clear that, since you spent the majority of your post talking about your own sexual prowess, that you are more concerned with your own sexual performance WITH her than how many partners she's actually had. What you need to be concerned about is your own ego and self esteem, in my opinion. Do you feel like you have nothing else to offer aside from what you do in the bedroom? Edited June 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote of starting post. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zxcvbnm123 Posted June 20, 2017 Author Share Posted June 20, 2017 It's kind clear that, since you spent the majority of your post talking about your own sexual prowess, that you are more concerned with your own sexual performance WITH her than how many partners she's actually had. What you need to be concerned about is your own ego and self esteem, in my opinion. Do you feel like you have nothing else to offer aside from what you do in the bedroom? Definitely agree it's an ego, competitive thing, but no I do feel like I have more to offer. And yeah her number of partners doesn't bother me, it's low, but just the thought of her being initimate with someone else in the past just makes me sooo mad. For every one else now reading this, the sexual part that he/she's talking about, that I now took out cause I realized it was unnecessary to include was me basically going on about how great the sex is between us, signs she gives off that makes it pretty clear I'm the best she's had. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnM Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 Why are you comparing yourself to previous partners? It seems to me you may have experience, but are lacking in self confidence at your core. If you are harbouring some sort of jealousy of her ex partners now then what are you going to be like when together if she has male friends etc. She is not the issue here, nor is her generally normal background of partners etc. So take a look at yourself. You need to have a real hard think about this and get it out of your head. Drop any ego and enjoy what you have, live in the present or you'll end up messing it up. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 What you have is called "retroactive jealousy" - Google it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bastile Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 (edited) I've actually had the same thing happen to me. Think it's quite normal. Like you, I've been around. Thought that I was over such petty jealousies. Some girls bring out the white-knight in you. I'm going to guess you've got the feels bad for this one... You need to get a grip, and control yourself. Definitely agree it's an ego, competitive thing, but no I do feel like I have more to offer. Qualification. This girl is simply bringing out stuff in you that you might not have dealt with in a while. I think you are likely losing perspective and putting her on a pedestal of sorts. Edited June 20, 2017 by Bastile 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zxcvbnm123 Posted June 20, 2017 Author Share Posted June 20, 2017 (edited) What you have is called "retroactive jealousy" - Google it. yup I've heard of it. Just looked further into t and it does sound like me, besides the fear of losing her part. No fear at all in that. Never crossed my mind at all. It's really just the idea of her having strong feelings for someone else, having sex with them, giving them head, etc that makes me furious. Last relationship was a year ago for her. But she's only been with a few guys, and I've been with 30ish+ women, so I try to remind myself of that to make myself feel better about this and that nearly everyone has to deal with their partner being with someone else in the past. That's just life. I think it'll take time and me reminding myself that this is basically unavoidable situation. I've actually had the same thing happen to me. Think it's quite normal. Like you, I've been around. Thought that I was over such petty jealousies. Some girls bring out the white-knight in you. I'm going to guess you've got the feels bad for this one... You need to get a grip, and control yourself. Qualification. This girl is simply bringing out stuff in you that you might not have dealt with in a while. I think you are likely losing perspective and putting her on a pedestal of sorts.dont know, could be. Why are you comparing yourself to previous partners? It seems to me you may have experience, but are lacking in self confidence at your core. If you are harbouring some sort of jealousy of her ex partners now then what are you going to be like when together if she has male friends etc. She is not the issue here, nor is her generally normal background of partners etc. So take a look at yourself. You need to have a real hard think about this and get it out of your head. Drop any ego and enjoy what you have, live in the present or you'll end up messing it up. I don't know why I am either. That's what's so strenage. I've NEVER did this before and thought about it like this with any other girl. She has very few friends in general even female ones (like 3-4) but yeah, she's an extremely kind and thoughtful person, amazing personality, so she gets along with just about everyone and has some male friends but that doesn't bother me st all actually. I have 100% trust in her and she's very picky so I don't worry about that Edited June 20, 2017 by Zxcvbnm123 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 (edited) [...] It seems to me you may have experience, but are lacking in self confidence at your core. [...] She is not the issue here, nor is her generally normal background of partners etc. So take a look at yourself. You need to have a real hard think about this and get it out of your head. Drop any ego and enjoy what you have, live in the present or you'll end up messing it up. Agreed. Having been with 30+ women indicates a certain need for affirmation, something that the new gf does not seem require. My guess would be that her self-confidence and sense of self-worth is unsettling for the OP. The idea of her sexual past is disturbing to him, because it may have meant something to her, and was not just a game or a kink. Edited June 20, 2017 by CptInsano 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 There's nothing normal about it. I suggest you google "double standard." And realize that every time you make an issue out of it, your deep insecurities are showing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 There's nothing normal about it. I suggest you google "double standard." And realize that every time you make an issue out of it, your deep insecurities are showing. Yep The only guy who gets to expect a virgin is: A guy who is a virgin Period I don't care how the cave men used to be 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sprince92 Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 you sound like my ex boyfriend... he had 30 + partners and i had less than 5. but yet he would still always talk about mine and say that im a **** and stuff for it. granted it was a toxic relationship but it was one of th MANY reasons we didnt work. it was always double standards with him. i hated his past but i knew it was just that. a past. you cant change what she did but if you dont want her to add anyone after you to the list then i would drop the subject and be grateful that she has respect for herself. this is coming from someone that has been through it. she might put up with it at first but it gets old fast good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bastile Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 (edited) There's nothing normal about it. I suggest you google "double standard." I think when we start telling people that they "aren't normal" for things that are completely normal, we run the risk of toxic shame... Any man never been even slightly insecure or judgmental about a woman's sexual past? Any man at all? Would be entertaining. Who cares if it's a double standard? I used to complain about double standards when I was like 19 years old. Part of maturing is accepting that life isn't fair, and that double standards exist. Choosing to shame people over it, merely makes them pretend it isn't to keep the peace (if they are a pushover, or just don't want the aggravation). It doesn't change the situation, and life goes on. And realize that every time you make an issue out of it, your deep insecurities are showing. I agree, it is an insecurity. And it's a completely unrealistic expectation to have. My personal belief is that it's a filtering mechanism of sorts for men that needs to be controlled. Probably comes from a time well before Tinder, let's say... It certainly is natural though Edited June 20, 2017 by Bastile 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zxcvbnm123 Posted June 20, 2017 Author Share Posted June 20, 2017 There's nothing normal about it. I suggest you google "double standard." And realize that every time you make an issue out of it, your deep insecurities are showing. I've never brought it up to her and I never will. She knows I've been with way more than her and all that and she doesn't mind it at al Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zxcvbnm123 Posted June 20, 2017 Author Share Posted June 20, 2017 you sound like my ex boyfriend... he had 30 + partners and i had less than 5. but yet he would still always talk about mine and say that im a **** and stuff for it. granted it was a toxic relationship but it was one of th MANY reasons we didnt work. it was always double standards with him. i hated his past but i knew it was just that. a past. you cant change what she did but if you dont want her to add anyone after you to the list then i would drop the subject and be grateful that she has respect for herself. this is coming from someone that has been through it. she might put up with it at first but it gets old fast good luck! I've never brought it up to her. So far the relationship is perfect when we're together. Amazing sex, deep conversations, lots of sleepovers, get along great, and treats me so damn well. Better than I would have ever expected. It's just a thought of mine I keep to myself Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 My dad used to stay you can't control which birds fly over your head, but can control which ones build a nest in your hair. In other words, you had no control over the thought popping into your head. You DO (yes you do) have control over whether or not you let it stay there and ruminate on it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sprince92 Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 I've never brought it up to her. So far the relationship is perfect when we're together. Amazing sex, deep conversations, lots of sleepovers, get along great, and treats me so damn well. Better than I would have ever expected. It's just a thought of mine I keep to myself then continue with it being great the past is the past. just focus on the fact that she is with you now. if she makes you happy and treats you well a number of people shes been with shouldnt change that Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 (edited) Maybe it is partly because she has had few partners. Perhaps you think she's more selective and therefore see her exs as a greater threat to you. Just wondering. Edited June 20, 2017 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zxcvbnm123 Posted June 20, 2017 Author Share Posted June 20, 2017 Maybe it is partly because she has had few partners. Perhaps you think she's more selective and therefore see her exs as a greater threat to you. Just wondering. Probably not it. They both cheated. So that's why they ended. Second relationship only lasted a few months so wasn't even serious. Still bugs the hell out of me. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 When I was dating it was a different generation and no one gave a crap about how many people the other slept with. People weren't judgy about it like they are now unless they were highly religious. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 I am not sure I understand. Usually its the guy with 3 partners and the gal with 30 and he is struggling. Is it because you think the relationships she had actually meant something ? vs someone who had 30 partners. Because she is picky - you place more value on her or he sexuality? Or maybe you just plain care more about this gal ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zxcvbnm123 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Share Posted June 21, 2017 I am not sure I understand. Usually its the guy with 3 partners and the gal with 30 and he is struggling. Is it because you think the relationships she had actually meant something ? vs someone who had 30 partners. Because she is picky - you place more value on her or he sexuality? Or maybe you just plain care more about this gal ? I think that's it. That it mattered to her, introduced him to her parents (I'm only the 3rd guy her parents have met) she cared for him, it was a relationship, etc. I've cared for other girls in the past even more and she was much younger and had more sexual partners and it didn't bother me at all. So that's why I don't get why this does. I'm guessing cause t actually meant something to her at one point Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 OP, the positive spin on this is that she IS careful, she DOES really care about someone to be intimate. She knows how to be selective, think, and commit. If you end up marrying her, she isn't one of these flighty, addicted to butterflies, people who will likely get restless if the "new" wears off. That is a very good thing. You are dating a grownup 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Gent Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 You need to get over yourself, OP. Good grief! Her past will never change, you either get past it or move on. It's as simple as that. The mind will always wonder, but controlling the thoughts and their effect on you is on you. You can do it, because in the grand scheme of things her past doesn't matter. It's the here and now that matters. She's obviously into you so why are you so insecure about her past, something neither of you can change? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zxcvbnm123 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Share Posted June 21, 2017 You need to get over yourself, OP. Good grief! Her past will never change, you either get past it or move on. It's as simple as that. The mind will always wonder, but controlling the thoughts and their effect on you is on you. You can do it, because in the grand scheme of things her past doesn't matter. It's the here and now that matters. She's obviously into you so why are you so insecure about her past, something neither of you can change? I know and I try to tell myself it's nothing I can change, But I still think so much about it. i think it's just a matter of time Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Gent Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 I know and I try to tell myself it's nothing I can change, But I still think so much about it. i think it's just a matter of time You're just letting your insecurities get the best of you. Be confident in yourself and your abilities. Unless there is something she did that was really "bad", like cheating, abuse, etc., it shouldn't have any effect on the here and now. Can you pinpoint anything exactly that is bothering you about her past? Are you running mental movies about the other men she has slept with? Stop it! We are ALL human and make mistakes. It's learning (or not learning) from those mistakes that makes us who we are now. If you continue with letting these insecurities control you, instead of you controlling them, you will ending up blowing up the relationship. Is that what you want? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts