usa1ah Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 Sorry but smoking for only six months can be stopped easily. I smoked for three years and my wife asked me to quite for her. I had my last one month later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 If she continues to smoke with you catching her from time to time, you won't be able to know if it is from time spent around the other man and his cigarette smoke. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 It seems to me the taste and smell of residual cigarette smoke would be a bit of an obstacle to deal with for recovering, developing, maintaining physical intimacy in the relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 I'm quitting myself. Am on the patch and haven't had a cigarette in 7 days. A bit tough here and there but it's not like I'm trying to kick a heroin addiction. If she really wanted to stop smoking she would. It's not a matter of her not being able to, she just doesn't want to and couldn't care less what you think about it. You can complain about it to her all you want. She just doesn't care. It's really that simple. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bassn75 Posted June 22, 2017 Author Share Posted June 22, 2017 I'm quitting myself. Am on the patch and haven't had a cigarette in 7 days. A bit tough here and there but it's not like I'm trying to kick a heroin addiction. If she really wanted to stop smoking she would. It's not a matter of her not being able to, she just doesn't want to and couldn't care less what you think about it. You can complain about it to her all you want. She just doesn't care. It's really that simple. You're right. She doesn't care. Our last MC session was last evening. I made one last try at getting her to understand how her behavior was hurting me. I used the analogy of hanging OM's picture on the wall in our home. Her reply was that I was over reacting. It dawned on me then that she's been checked out of the marriage for a long time. She has absolutely no concern as to my feelings. I apologized to our counselor for wasting her time, and I left. I'm making an appt with an attorney today. We, or I, will sit down with the kids to explain to them what is going on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 My BF betrayed me and now I associate someone he still talks to to the betrayal and I don't think BF completely gets it though he has made a lot of changes which is why I stayed but it may become my dealbreaker at some point. I totally understand how the trigger just brings up everything again and makes it difficult to move on. Just wanted to post I totally get how you feel OP. It seems like such a small thing to ask that I wonder why she won't even try if she were really committed to getting back on track. I'm not saying quitting is easy but she could have at least done some hypnosis or bought some gum and gave it a try. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 You're right. She doesn't care. Our last MC session was last evening. I made one last try at getting her to understand how her behavior was hurting me. I used the analogy of hanging OM's picture on the wall in our home. Her reply was that I was over reacting. It dawned on me then that she's been checked out of the marriage for a long time. She has absolutely no concern as to my feelings. I apologized to our counselor for wasting her time, and I left. I'm making an appt with an attorney today. We, or I, will sit down with the kids to explain to them what is going on. You are doing the right thing. It takes two committed people to save or improve a marriage. One person cannot carry the load. She has been making you carry the load while she reaps the benefits of being married. I'm sorry she forced you into this corner, but the quicker you can extricate yourself the better. Link to post Share on other sites
Hecan Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 She is not remorseful or caring for your pain that SHE caused.. Good luck to you!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I believe you're doing the right thing by seeing a lawyer and seeking to dissolve the marriage. She has definitely checked out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted June 24, 2017 Share Posted June 24, 2017 If you want to leave her, leave her but don't look for reasons to pick on. She had an affair, if you can't get over it...there's nothing wrong with that! But to blame it on smoking is petty. I've been in both sides of the fence of cheating WS/BS & sometimes (IMO) BS try to control everything the WS bc they're hurt. It's a game with absolutely no winner. I personally wouldn't try & convince yourself bc she won't quit smoking, she doesn't care...she's still an adult & has the right to live as one, which means as long as she's staying true & really trying, you don't have the right to control her everyday habits as a grown woman. Sometimes a BS can turn into more of a parental role than spouse after Dday & it can be counter productive to both spouses. Good luck in whatever you choose 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted June 24, 2017 Share Posted June 24, 2017 If you want to leave her, leave her but don't look for reasons to pick on. She had an affair, if you can't get over it...there's nothing wrong with that! But to blame it on smoking is petty. I've been in both sides of the fence of cheating WS/BS & sometimes (IMO) BS try to control everything the WS bc they're hurt. It's a game with absolutely no winner. I personally wouldn't try & convince yourself bc she won't quit smoking, she doesn't care...she's still an adult & has the right to live as one, which means as long as she's staying true & really trying, you don't have the right to control her everyday habits as a grown woman. Sometimes a BS can turn into more of a parental role than spouse after Dday & it can be counter productive to both spouses. Good luck in whatever you choose I think the problem is the smoking is a trigger for him. And understandably so. It's not uncommon for WS to trigger over a variety of things. Clothes a WS wore with the OP, driving by a hotel/restaurant where rendezvous happened, cars/furniture where sex took place, etc. His just happens to be his wife smoking which it sounds like the wife started with her AP and during the affair. Not before. And I don't think the smoking in itself is as much of a problem as his WS complete lack of concern or empathy in trying to understand how this particular trigger effects the OP. There are plenty of remorseful, hell even just regretful, WS who will at least attempt to help their BS get through their triggers. She doesn't give a **** about his. That's a problem. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bassn75 Posted June 25, 2017 Author Share Posted June 25, 2017 If you want to leave her, leave her but don't look for reasons to pick on. She had an affair, if you can't get over it...there's nothing wrong with that! But to blame it on smoking is petty. I've been in both sides of the fence of cheating WS/BS & sometimes (IMO) BS try to control everything the WS bc they're hurt. It's a game with absolutely no winner. I personally wouldn't try & convince yourself bc she won't quit smoking, she doesn't care...she's still an adult & has the right to live as one, which means as long as she's staying true & really trying, you don't have the right to control her everyday habits as a grown woman. Sometimes a BS can turn into more of a parental role than spouse after Dday & it can be counter productive to both spouses. Good luck in whatever you choose[/Q How to answer this? By the way, you sound like my wife. For me, the mind movies and triggers have been extremely difficult to get over. If she had just started smoking without cheating, I would have been disappointed in her and probably pissed off, but I wouldn't have left her over it. But her smoking is to me an in the face reminder of what she did- every day. Anyway, none of that matters now. I have realized that she has just been going through the motions of trying to keep our marriage together. When I moved out of our bedroom, she didn't even comment; she just went about her day as if nothing had happened. When I told her that we needed to sit down and talk to our boys about what was going to happen, she didn't bat an eye. She said she wanted me to do it. I think she's been biding her time waiting for me to step up and be the bad guy who dropped the hammer on our family. When I talked to our two boys, they didn't seem surprised. They already knew why. Seems that OM's wife has talked to a lot of people about them. We exposed only to my brother and her parents (my folks are both gone). I have an appointment with an attorney next week. Time move on. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 If you want to leave her, leave her but don't look for reasons to pick on. She had an affair, if you can't get over it...there's nothing wrong with that! But to blame it on smoking is petty. I've been in both sides of the fence of cheating WS/BS & sometimes (IMO) BS try to control everything the WS bc they're hurt. It's a game with absolutely no winner. I personally wouldn't try & convince yourself bc she won't quit smoking, she doesn't care...she's still an adult & has the right to live as one, which means as long as she's staying true & really trying, you don't have the right to control her everyday habits as a grown woman. Sometimes a BS can turn into more of a parental role than spouse after Dday & it can be counter productive to both spouses. Good luck in whatever you choose[/Q How to answer this? By the way, you sound like my wife. For me, the mind movies and triggers have been extremely difficult to get over. If she had just started smoking without cheating, I would have been disappointed in her and probably pissed off, but I wouldn't have left her over it. But her smoking is to me an in the face reminder of what she did- every day. Anyway, none of that matters now. I have realized that she has just been going through the motions of trying to keep our marriage together. When I moved out of our bedroom, she didn't even comment; she just went about her day as if nothing had happened. When I told her that we needed to sit down and talk to our boys about what was going to happen, she didn't bat an eye. She said she wanted me to do it. I think she's been biding her time waiting for me to step up and be the bad guy who dropped the hammer on our family. When I talked to our two boys, they didn't seem surprised. They already knew why. Seems that OM's wife has talked to a lot of people about them. We exposed only to my brother and her parents (my folks are both gone). I have an appointment with an attorney next week. Time move on. Smoking can be a deal breaker. I know it would be for me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 If you want to leave her, leave her but don't look for reasons to pick on. She had an affair, if you can't get over it...there's nothing wrong with that! But to blame it on smoking is petty. I've been in both sides of the fence of cheating WS/BS & sometimes (IMO) BS try to control everything the WS bc they're hurt. It's a game with absolutely no winner. I personally wouldn't try & convince yourself bc she won't quit smoking, she doesn't care...she's still an adult & has the right to live as one, which means as long as she's staying true & really trying, you don't have the right to control her everyday habits as a grown woman. Sometimes a BS can turn into more of a parental role than spouse after Dday & it can be counter productive to both spouses. Good luck in whatever you choose[/Q How to answer this? By the way, you sound like my wife. For me, the mind movies and triggers have been extremely difficult to get over. If she had just started smoking without cheating, I would have been disappointed in her and probably pissed off, but I wouldn't have left her over it. But her smoking is to me an in the face reminder of what she did- every day. Anyway, none of that matters now. I have realized that she has just been going through the motions of trying to keep our marriage together. When I moved out of our bedroom, she didn't even comment; she just went about her day as if nothing had happened. When I told her that we needed to sit down and talk to our boys about what was going to happen, she didn't bat an eye. She said she wanted me to do it. I think she's been biding her time waiting for me to step up and be the bad guy who dropped the hammer on our family. When I talked to our two boys, they didn't seem surprised. They already knew why. Seems that OM's wife has talked to a lot of people about them. We exposed only to my brother and her parents (my folks are both gone). I have an appointment with an attorney next week. Time move on. If this is how you feel...then you must do what is best for your own healing. I beleive a reconciling wayward should do everything they know to do to help their betrayed. Sometimes ...they dont know all the things they should be doing...and sometimes the betrayed doesn't know what they need and cannot tell their wayward what they need. But in this case...it is a very simple request...please stop smoking...it cause me to trigger and it is painful for me. Your wayward can certainly stop smoking. She doesn't want to. It is that simple. This is a truly tangible request. Sometimes emotional request are harder to comply with....but this one should be easy. I dont understand why she is doing what she is doing...but it certainly speaks volumes. I really am sorry...and i hope you find peace and happiness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bassn75 Posted July 5, 2017 Author Share Posted July 5, 2017 A cheaters mantra is to lie, hide and deny. I doubt you can expect honesty at this time. you found out but other mans wife exposing. She didn't confess Well, it's done. Had her served on Mon. Her response was a poker face. I reached out to OM' s wife to let her know where we are. She wasn't surprised. She filed and kicked him out two months ago. She found his burner phone. She didn't see any texts because he was using a messenger app that deleted everything. But that was enough for her. I assume that he and my lying wife were still seeing each other. In any event, we're done. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 Well, it's done. Had her served on Mon. Her response was a poker face. I reached out to OM' s wife to let her know where we are. She wasn't surprised. She filed and kicked him out two months ago. She found his burner phone. She didn't see any texts because he was using a messenger app that deleted everything. But that was enough for her. I assume that he and my lying wife were still seeing each other. In any event, we're done. I'm sorry for your pain, but good for you. You deserve to have a woman who loves you and treats you well. Best wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 Well, it's done. Had her served on Mon. Her response was a poker face. I reached out to OM' s wife to let her know where we are. She wasn't surprised. She filed and kicked him out two months ago. She found his burner phone. She didn't see any texts because he was using a messenger app that deleted everything. But that was enough for her. I assume that he and my lying wife were still seeing each other. In any event, we're done. It appears to be a very sound assumption. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 I believe you made the right decision. Now you will not have to live with a nonremorseful wife AND you won't get lung cancer from secondhand smoke. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 I'm sorry for your pain, but good for you. You deserve to have a woman who loves you and treats you well. Best wishes. Yeah it sounds like they just took the affair further underground. When a WS doesn't react with any kind of emotion it generally means they already have a safe landing pad in place. F*ck 'em. They deserve each other. Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 F*ck 'em. They deserve each other. Yup... As much as it hurts, this attitude is the best way to get through it. Two cheaters getting together? Karma is going to be a b-tch. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Yea, she didn't want to be the "bad guy". She just kept pushing you until you filed. What where your son's told? They need age approbate reasons, which includes the adultery. As to if the adultry went underground, this could have been an exit affair by a WAW. You need to speak with the MC about IC for yourself. Issues in a marriage are real and if you ever want to be successfully married you need to deal with your own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Good decision to file. I agree that it's more than likely they were still in the affair and got to hide it better. You deserve much better than an unremorseful cheating wife. At least you don't have to deal with wondering if she's faithful anymore. You'll be fine in time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 If this is how you feel...then you must do what is best for your own healing. I beleive a reconciling wayward should do everything they know to do to help their betrayed. Sometimes ...they dont know all the things they should be doing...and sometimes the betrayed doesn't know what they need and cannot tell their wayward what they need. But in this case...it is a very simple request...please stop smoking...it cause me to trigger and it is painful for me. Your wayward can certainly stop smoking. She doesn't want to. It is that simple. This is a truly tangible request. Sometimes emotional request are harder to comply with....but this one should be easy. I dont understand why she is doing what she is doing...but it certainly speaks volumes. I really am sorry...and i hope you find peace and happiness. To you it may be a simple request but to you but another it may not be. So if one got caught having an A at McDonald's, they should never eat McDonald's again? That's not what reconciliation is, a BS having control over their WS, it's about 2 people getting over the actual A & becoming stronger. If smoking becomes a deal breaker then that couple shouldn't be married bc when does it stop? Don't drive to that town, don't go to that store or restaurant...triggers are personal & should be talked about but one can't treat their spouse like their child bc they're triggering. Even as a BS I would have rathered divorced than treat my H less than adult. Though from what OP it's other behaviors showing she doesn't care. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 To you it may be a simple request but to you but another it may not be. So if one got caught having an A at McDonald's, they should never eat McDonald's again? That's not what reconciliation is, a BS having control over their WS, it's about 2 people getting over the actual A & becoming stronger. If smoking becomes a deal breaker then that couple shouldn't be married bc when does it stop? Don't drive to that town, don't go to that store or restaurant...triggers are personal & should be talked about but one can't treat their spouse like their child bc they're triggering. Even as a BS I would have rathered divorced than treat my H less than adult. Though from what OP it's other behaviors showing she doesn't care. I am assuming you are talking to me...but the quote is rather funky If my husband took his other woman to an ice cream place and ordered Chocolate chip ice cream...and he knows it causes me to trigger...then he should absolutely be considerate enough not to go to that ice cream place and get chocolate chip ice cream. Not becaseu i asked him not to...but becaseu he respects me and does not want me to trigger. This has nothing to do with control....this has to do with being considerate and having empathy for your betrayed spouse. Twist it however you want...but if your wayward is purposley causing you to trigger and they can stop the trigger but refuse to do so...it tells you that your betrayed is NOT in the right mentality to RECONCILE. If i cause my husband to trigger on purpose...and he has ASKED me not to do something...and i dont CARE and i do it anyway..then you are absolutley right...we should not be married. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 To you it may be a simple request but to you but another it may not be. So if one got caught having an A at McDonald's, they should never eat McDonald's again? That's not what reconciliation is, a BS having control over their WS, it's about 2 people getting over the actual A & becoming stronger. If smoking becomes a deal breaker then that couple shouldn't be married bc when does it stop? Don't drive to that town, don't go to that store or restaurant...triggers are personal & should be talked about but one can't treat their spouse like their child bc they're triggering. Even as a BS I would have rathered divorced than treat my H less than adult. Though from what OP it's other behaviors showing she doesn't care. Never eating or even working at a McDonalds is a reasonable request as a consequence for having an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
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