I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me

[JS84]

Does your daughter have a cell phone that you can track via GPS?? If not get her one.

[BluesPower]

As messed up as this is...

 

You may just want to let it go for the most part.

 

Even for your wife, this is really messed up. You can bet that she took her to meet her OM. And your daughter, not being stupid, understood what was going on at some level.

 

I mean, even after your last couple of talks that you two had, you wife just has no shame of any kind. She seems to just assume that it is ok to take the kids to meet her lover. What a piece of work she is...

 

There may not be anything that you can do about it, and there is almost nothing you can do about it after the divorce.

 

I do like the cell phone idea for her though. At least you will know where she is and you won't have to worry about it one way or another.

 

Just file the papers and get this over with. You really need her out of your life as much a possible.

[usa1ah]

Really

 

You have to tell your wife that until the divorce is finalized the kids don’t go anywhere around the OM.

 

Tell her what happened with your daughter and this is the reason for the above. Daughter knows it’s not right and it is effecting her. Your Daughter just lied to you because of your WW. Don’t stand back and take it. It not something between just the two of you, she is involving your daughter now.

 

If she says you can’t stop her from doing so. Then inform her that you are having a meeting with the kids and telling them exactly what is going on.

Edited November 3, 2017 by usa1ah

[Cephalopod]

Talk to your lawyer.

[FloatingThroughLife]

I asked my wife where she went last night. I said did you go to Walmart? She said yes but they didn't get anything. I said "For 2 hours? Did you go anywhere else?" She dodged and said "Why do you want to know?" I said again "Did you go anywhere else?" She said no. I then said "I expect YOU to lie to me, but not our daughter. I know you went to OM's. You cannot take our children around OM until we are divorced. Am I clear?" She said okay and I went back inside the house.

 

She came in a few minutes later and said she just went there to pick something up. "What's the big deal?" she said. I said "If you don't see what the big deal is, maybe you aren't fit as a mother." She didn't say anything else that I can recall (adrenaline was pumping so I don't really remember).

 

About a half hour later she asked if I wanted to know what really happened. I said it depends on whether or not it will be the truth. She said it would. She said she was only going over there to pick up a movie, but my daughter wanted to stay to hang out with the OM's daughter. My wife told my daughter not to lie if I ask where they went. She said she lied to me about where she was because she wanted to protect our daughter. I said "Are you going to lie to me for the rest of your life or just until the divorce happens?" She said I gave up all rights to the truth when I told her she was dead to me.

[BluesPower]

Wow...

 

 

Seriously, FTL, has she always been this messed up or is this just since her affair?

[FloatingThroughLife]

Since I met her so young, and she was my first real love, I just assumed our relationship was normal. Everything was mostly fine all these years, but that's because she always got her way. Since I'm not a doormat anymore (at least I hope I'm not!) she's lashing out and grasping at straws any way she can. That's what I think anyway.

 

She left the house a little after our last conversation and then sent me a text that reads "Whenever I have lied to you, it's only because I don't want you to be hurt. I'm sorry FTL. I won't lie about anything anymore. Not that you believe me."

[BluesPower]

But the point is that...

 

She just lied to you. She lied to avoid the consequences of her actions. She did not lie to protect you, she lied because she has been having an affair, and even after you found out she lied.

 

God knows how many affairs she has had during the marriage, and you will never get the truth about any of it.

 

Not that you should really care, you should not care about her at all anymore...

[alsudduth]

I have kept up with this thread from the beginning but haven't posted since I don't really have any great advice for you that someone else hasn't given, FTL....

 

I DID want to post though to tell you that just from your first post to now, I see tremendous growth in you. Pat yourself on the back. This is making you a much stronger person, and in turn, will make you an even more excellent father when this is all said and done.

 

Making a decision to divorce when you have young kids is so hard. My H and I had many conversations about divorce and in the end decided that we were not unhappy enough to change our kids lives. I think you are making the absolutely correct decision in divorcing your WW. She is not remorseful at all. She feels guilty, and I even think she's sorry to some extend that she hurt you in this way, but she's not remorseful, which is why you are doing the right thing.

 

I'm happy to see how well you are doing. I know it's still hard, but you are doing great with what you've been dealt! Your kids are going to see that someday and appreciate that everything you are doing right now is for them even if indirectly, and they will be happier because of it.

 

It's been a cruddy way to get you motivated to be a better and more responsible man for your kids and yourself, but in the end I think this is going to be a blessing in disguise.

[BarbedFenceRider]

I've kept my mouth shut for awhile now just reading the drama. But then I got to the part that she wanted signed papers asking for alimony....WTF!!!! I can't imagine a judge seeing all of this and thinking that your child is in a healthy household. One step at a time obviously, but damn...After you get the divorce, make SURE the kid is in a good healthy place. And if your ex starts talking ish and filling your kids with rage, someone needs to step in and welfare check the children. Seriously.

[afoolto no end]

FTL,

 

I can understand the anger in you having your daughter around the OM, you made it clear to your ww, just let it go at that.

Don't make your daughter feel badly for what her mother choses to do.

At this point there isn't much you can do except express your feelings on any subject but she is going to do what she pleases no matter what.

wayward don't tell the truth it's that simple to expect it ever is just foolish.

You know the extent of the lies, she isn't going to own up to anything ever.

She will avoid any consequences to her every time.

She sold her ethics, morals and values out for this guy. the woman you knew isn't there anymore.

Just stay clear of her, don't keep track of where she is or where she is going.

The more time passes the stronger you will get.

Let her fall flat on her face. the best revenge is making the two of them fill every need for other and have all the work that takes now.

Some of her needs are still met by you which makes what is missing with OM easier, if you stop filling any need at all, she will only have him .

It will fall apart very quickly.....she hasn't seen the real him yet.

Just the fantasy guy not the clean the house, pay the bills take care of kids guy.

Not the real picture......

Let it happen, go cold and absent from her life.

don't ask anything, don't look at her.....when you do talk one or two words politely and walk away every time.

Get dressed up, look good all the time.....show her you are having a life.

She needs to see you aren't an option even on the back burner for her, that all she has is the OM good or bad, he is her only option.....

I did a version of the 180 with my husband after discovery of his affair.

When he knew the OW was his only option in his future he woke up.

We were separated at the time, wayward never really understand or expect living life without us was going to be their life.

you need to let her feel that full force.

After she is gone, emails on on child care only, one two words.

No visuals, no conversations nothing

[usa1ah]

FTR, now it’s time to sit her down and set the rules until divorce is final.

 

In regard to the kids and her seeing the OM.

 

If she is going to keep seeing the other man, ask her to move out.

 

Set the rules as you want them regarding the kids.

[Marc878]

Since I met her so young, and she was my first real love, I just assumed our relationship was normal. Everything was mostly fine all these years, but that's because she always got her way. Since I'm not a doormat anymore (at least I hope I'm not!) she's lashing out and grasping at straws any way she can. That's what I think anyway.

 

She left the house a little after our last conversation and then sent me a text that reads "Whenever I have lied to you, it's only because I don't want you to be hurt. I'm sorry FTL. I won't lie about anything anymore. Not that you believe me."

 

How sweet of her.

 

You'd better drop the rope on this or you are just gonna linger.

 

You can't stop her from doing anything but you are keeping right in the middle of it. You can do NC this'll just continue on.......

[aliveagain]

Her lips moved, she's lying. Friend the sooner you move this along the sooner your life will improve. I give you my word, your young, you will find love again and you will wonder why you put up with so much sh*t. I just wonder what kind of movie o/m had that made your stbxw decide going there was more important then hurting you? Remember these moments when you negotiate your settlement with her, show her the same respect she is showing you.

[Cullenbohannon]

I don't understand the thread.

Your STBX has been at his house 187+ times this year.

You have enough info to divorce and never look back or think twice.

Your STBx Is going to be with the OM.

Your children will be at his residence.

She may move into his apartment building.

It will be none of your business unless the AP is a danger.

 

STOP.

It's over.

Time to heal.

 

Let it be done.

Edited November 4, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[Lovingselffirst]

I do not believe there is ever a good enough reason for infidelity. If you act like a doormat you will get walked on.

[Mr Blunt]

FTL, I have asked you several times if you have a plan or what are you doing to build yourself up. You have not answered that question; are you going to answer that question? I can see that you have improved but you are still not strong enough to take needed stronger actions to get a LOT better. Take some of the actions that you have been given on this thread that have been going on for over 4 months with over 300 replies.

 

 

Are you doing everything legal to protect yourself and your children?

Are you doing everything that you can, with help, to keep your wife out of your life; in thoughts and in associations?

 

The sooner you get more self-reliant and distance yourself from her and not be so emotionally interested in her, the sooner you start getting a lot better. I know that will be hard but it will be a LOT harder for you to stay attached to her while she “loves the OM to the deepest depths of her soul”

Do not be like the moth that is drawn to the flame.

 

 

You only have two choices now. You can avoid taking the actions that have been given you in this forum and continue to stay physically and emotionally connected to your wife or get a lOT better. You are in a war and your wife is now your enemy. She has torn you down a LOT and ONLY you can take actions that will start to get you a lot better.

 

 

What are you doing to build yourself up and to keep your wife out of your thoughts and life as much as possible?

[merrmeade]

Since I met her so young, and she was my first real love, I just assumed our relationship was normal. Everything was mostly fine all these years, but that's because she always got her way. Since I'm not a doormat anymore (at least I hope I'm not!) she's lashing out and grasping at straws any way she can. That's what I think anyway.

 

She left the house a little after our last conversation and then sent me a text that reads "Whenever I have lied to you, it's only because I don't want you to be hurt. I'm sorry FTL. I won't lie about anything anymore. Not that you believe me."

You've come so far, FTL. After reading this post ^^^ I had to go back and read the first one to be sure you were really the one that said this:

Should I have seen it coming? I don't know, maybe? But I didn't. I never once had an issue of trust with her. We've been together for 22 years and married for 16.

 

I didn't even know how to process what she told me. It took me a few days to sort it all out in my head. That's when I started reading other people's stories of infidelity and how to deal with it. Should we divorce? Can we make this work? How did this happen?

 

It's obvious now. I took her for granted all these years, and she finally had enough. She found someone else to love her the way she deserves.

And I just want to say that I'm SURE you had would have had issues of trust with her during those 22 years if you'd known more. But now you know and no one will ever take advantage of your good nature again. Just don't lose that.

 

I truly believe now that recovery from infidelity does not mean a BS has to become wary, mistrustful, cynical and always guarded against loving too much. No, I think that yours is a perfect example of learning how to judge people, especially those with personality disorders who would manipulate, abuse and destroy you if allowed. Yep, you've fixed a lot of imbalances in your life by getting rid of this one person and have a great chance of finding someone good who recognizes what a gem you are and shows gratitude and humility for the chance of loving you. I wish you this love and happiness. You've earned it.

[merrmeade]

She said I gave up all rights to the truth when I told her she was dead to me.

She ... sent me a text that reads "Whenever I have lied to you, it's only because I don't want you to be hurt. I'm sorry FTL. I won't lie about anything anymore. Not that you believe me."

Also want to point out in just these two examples how (a) she tries to control what tidbits and how much of the truth she will give you to be credible. She's a professional liar.

 

And that (b) she never, ever has been able to acknowledge her culpability straight, full stop. She always gives some excuse along with it. Or - worse - she blames you as she did this time. She's permanently ensconced off the charts, beyond the spectrum of accountability. She finds an excuse for everything and moves between never accepting responsibility to blaming someone else. Every single time.

 

And ohmygod the little touches and circular arguments she's perfected over the years, e.g:

- because I don't want you to be hurt

exoneration for lying in the past

- not that you believe me

so (she tells herself) there's no point in trying

- you gave up all rights to the truth when you said I was dead to you

No wonder your adrenaline is pumping during these exchanges. You have to be constantly ready for these instantaneous excuses and reflexive blame-shifting masterfully rendered to either rub it in or dig into your gut. She's a freaking case study for the DSM-V.

 

But you are getting it - every single time.

[merrmeade]

FTL, Those two posts actually were written at the same time but posted in wrong order. Let's play like Theyre reversed and lead out on the positive and hopeful.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Merrmeade, how do you write two posts simultaneously and post them too?. I guess I must be be from the stone age as I cannot imagine being so dexterous. But then I am actually from an earlier era! Warm wishes.

[FloatingThroughLife]

FTR, now it’s time to sit her down and set the rules until divorce is final.

 

In regard to the kids and her seeing the OM.

 

If she is going to keep seeing the other man, ask her to move out.

 

Set the rules as you want them regarding the kids.

 

I set the rules but she's not going to follow them. Even tonight, after she said she wasn't going to lie anymore, she lied right to my face by saying she was going to her girlfriend's place for drinks and then goes to the OM's place. She even parked her car in a nearby parking lot in case I drove by the OM's looking for it. She takes the affair further underground when I call her out on something. It doesn't really matter anyway. I have to stop caring what she does.

 

I don't understand the thread.

Your STBX has been at his house 187+ times this year.

You have enough info to divorce and never look back or think twice.

Your STBx Is going to be with the OM.

Your children will be at his residence.

She may move into his apartment building.

It will be none of your business unless the AP is a danger.

 

STOP.

It's over.

Time to heal.

 

Let it be done.

 

Yes, this is what needs to be done. I can see how most people wouldn't understand my logic. I don't understand it myself most times. I'm trying to follow everyone's advice to the best of my abilities. I'm trying not to care what she does, but sometimes my emotions take over, and I just need to remind myself that this is not the woman I married.

 

FTL, I have asked you several times if you have a plan or what are you doing to build yourself up. You have not answered that question; are you going to answer that question? I can see that you have improved but you are still not strong enough to take needed stronger actions to get a LOT better. Take some of the actions that you have been given on this thread that have been going on for over 4 months with over 300 replies.

 

 

Are you doing everything legal to protect yourself and your children?

Are you doing everything that you can, with help, to keep your wife out of your life; in thoughts and in associations?

 

What are you doing to build yourself up and to keep your wife out of your thoughts and life as much as possible?

 

Yes I have been avoiding this question because I know nothing I say will live up to the expectations you have for me. You have been very hard on me for the last 4 months, and I thank you for that. Let me give an update.

 

I spoke with my wife for about 4 hours tonight. We finalized our parenting plan including scheduling, holidays, school choices, transportation, drop off/pick up times and locations, communication methods, vacations, everything. I don't think we left anything out. This was a HUGE step.

 

We also worked out our finances regarding the sale of the house, debts, assets, etc. She's getting way more than she deserves, but she is getting what she is entitled to in our state. If I wanted to take her to court and fight her, I could, but the lawyer fees would cost more than half my 401K, which is what she is entitled to anyway, so I'm just giving it to her so I can move on faster.

 

Since we got all that worked out, now I can finally fill out all the divorce paperwork and file and there will be zero gotchas, and my wife should not have any responses, meaning we can default and have everything said and done in 61 days. I am aiming to file this week or next, depending on when I can get legal aide to just double check and make sure I didn't miss anything in the paperwork.

 

She is looking for an apartment now, and says she is moving into the OM's complex. She says she is going to live "on her own" (meaning only her and the kids) for at least a year. Of course, since OM lives next door it doesn't really matter since he'll be popping in all the time (literally and figuratively) anyway. I just have to let that go.

 

The only other plan is where I will live, which has been determined, and work is well underway on that front. I will definitely be ready to move when the house is sold. Fingers crossed that will happen in the next month or two.

 

You've come so far, FTL. After reading this post ^^^ I had to go back and read the first one to be sure you were really the one that said this:

And I just want to say that I'm SURE you had would have had issues of trust with her during those 22 years if you'd known more. But now you know and no one will ever take advantage of your good nature again. Just don't lose that.

 

I truly believe now that recovery from infidelity does not mean a BS has to become wary, mistrustful, cynical and always guarded against loving too much. No, I think that yours is a perfect example of learning how to judge people, especially those with personality disorders who would manipulate, abuse and destroy you if allowed. Yep, you've fixed a lot of imbalances in your life by getting rid of this one person and have a great chance of finding someone good who recognizes what a gem you are and shows gratitude and humility for the chance of loving you. I wish you this love and happiness. You've earned it.

 

Thank you very much. I know you have given me a lot of personal guidance and have stood up for me against advice from others you felt was not in my best interests, and I sincerely thank you for that. I am very much looking forward to being the king of my own castle and letting my word be the final say when it comes to raising the kids.

 

Thank you again everyone. I know I've made a lot of missteps and my timeline is far too long and uneventful for many of you to bear with me any longer, but I thank each and everyone of you for listening to my story and offering support, guidance, encouragement, and insight. I would not be where I am now without each and every one of you.

[Cephalopod]

Your WW has put you in a tough position. I think you are dealing with it the best way you can. You will mistakes and backslide from time to time. We all did. I did.

 

 

Doing the 180 with a vengeance is the only way to go. After the divorce is final, tell her that you appreciate her showing you what a selfish pathological liar she is, so that you didn't have to waste 22 more years of your life on someone like her.

 

 

Her boyfriend still lives in an apartment? Wow. He's a real up-and-comer isn't he?

[Marc878]

You've come a long ways. Finish it.

 

Hard 180. She'll want the friends thing but that's not in your best interest.

 

No contac will just make you stronger. Work on that.

 

You are correct. What she's does is no longer your concern

[FloatingThroughLife]

Her boyfriend still lives in an apartment? Wow. He's a real up-and-comer isn't he?

 

He doesn't own a car and makes a little more than minimum wage also. I'm not trying to put anyone down that falls into those categories, I'm just comparing that to what she had with me, and it's a HUGE step down. Love conquers all right?!