He's vanished from our emotional affair

[Undercoverirish]

I am actually really glad you wrote this, because this was EXACTLY how I felt before my affair. I remember telling my xMM this! And guess what happened? I ended up in a 2 and 1/2 year long (off and on) physical AND emotional affair with him. When I said my M was perfectly fine, even happy.

 

What the what???

 

Yes, I think upon retrospect, there were issues in my marriage. But I did not go looking for an affair because of issues. I was coasting along, doing fine. I think the issues allowed me to lower my boundaries, however. Those built-up resentments, the problems we had continued to rug-sweep, those were the things I ended up turning to xMM to resolve. Can you fall for someone when you aren't looking for it? Yep, if you let your guard down.

 

And then, what a mess you've created!!!

 

Is a desire to have an affair a symptom of a problem in the M? Sometimes, it can be. It can be a red flag that you've grown apart; that there are issues you need to turn to each other to address; it can also be as basic as you enjoyed getting your ego stroked by a new person. Think about what you said above. Your marriage was fine. Being reminded that mine was fine is actually helpful to me at the moment. You create distance with an affair.

 

Your potential AP really did have his head screwed on straight by turning you down. Be grateful that it stopped where it did. Put your ego aside for a minute and think about all the people he respected by saying no, including you.

 

And part of me is thinking "wow, what an honourable man he actually is. His wife is very lucky".

[Undercoverirish]

SS, just as undercoverish's post spoke to you, your response to it spoke to me! My marriage was in the best state it had been for years just before my A. I'd actually been depressed before that due to some issues that I perceived as incompatibilities in my marriage. I'd got past that and was happy. So happy that I started to do things that I didn't have the mental space for when I was depressed..... Going out wth friends, joining sports clubs, taking some new classes. Life was sweet. But I was very vulnerable and I didn't realise it - my new found happiness made me child like. I wanted to catch up on the life, fun and happiness I'd been missing out on while depressed, and when a beautiful young woman started taking an interest in me...... well, the rest is history.

 

This undid all the good work, devastated everyone and put that distance back between my wife and I plus interest, and now with the baggage of an affair which haunts us. I said I was depressed before, but that is almost insignificant compared to the pain and devastation unleashed due to my affair. I'm so furious with myself that, having got myself out of depression and to a happy place with a great marriage, I abused my new found happiness in the worst possible way.

 

Undercoverish. Everyone is saying it and I will add myself to that list. Honestly, hurtful though it may seem in the short term and a blow to your ego, the MM pulling back is a huge huge favour to you. Walk away and put 100% your marriage. If it doesn't work out, you can walk away with dignity knowing you tried. Don't let it all blow up by having an affair.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

 

Wow - this has really given me good for though. I was suffering from PND for 2 years and only really came out the other side recently. And then I started a new role, more money coming in, awaynwoth work, I felt excitement that I hadn't felt in such a long time. I've started going out more with friends, and really loving life. Perhaps this also has something to do with it?

[BigBlueSky]

I am actually really glad you wrote this, because this was EXACTLY how I felt before my affair. I remember telling my xMM this! And guess what happened? I ended up in a 2 and 1/2 year long (off and on) physical AND emotional affair with him. When I said my M was perfectly fine, even happy.

 

What the what???

 

Yes, I think upon retrospect, there were issues in my marriage. But I did not go looking for an affair because of issues. I was coasting along, doing fine. I think the issues allowed me to lower my boundaries, however. Those built-up resentments, the problems we had continued to rug-sweep, those were the things I ended up turning to xMM to resolve. Can you fall for someone when you aren't looking for it? Yep, if you let your guard down.

 

And then, what a mess you've created!!!

 

Is a desire to have an affair a symptom of a problem in the M? Sometimes, it can be. It can be a red flag that you've grown apart; that there are issues you need to turn to each other to address; it can also be as basic as you enjoyed getting your ego stroked by a new person. Think about what you said above. Your marriage was fine. Being reminded that mine was fine is actually helpful to me at the moment. You create distance with an affair.

 

Your potential AP really did have his head screwed on straight by turning you down. Be grateful that it stopped where it did. Put your ego aside for a minute and think about all the people he respected by saying no, including you.

 

Do I ever relate to your post! My affair was similar in length and in nature. I also told him at the start that I wasn't sure what was wrong with my marriage, that it seemed to be a happy one and that there weren't a lot of things wrong with it. More recently though, I've been able to recognize things that I was having trouble with and that I would rug sweep. And now that I have created a chasm in our marriage (that my husband doesn't even recognize or knows about its existence), I have a lot of repair to do.

 

Undercoverish, be thankful it didn't go further than it did. It might hurt now but the pain could have been much, much worse if you had continued on. Believe me, I'm going through it now.

[Bittersweetie]

As a former WW myself, there's a lot of good advice here. Maybe step back and ask yourself, What inside me made me think that pursuing an affair was okay?

 

It's not an easy question. There will probably be many answers before getting to the true one. But the process will probably help you a) decide what you want to do moving forward and b) avoid getting into this situation again. GL.

[Undercoverirish]

Thanks for the advice everyone