Married man disappearing reappearing. I don't know what happened or what he wants

[angiep]

Affairs are often about power and control.

 

I get that.Maybe that's the meaning of him disappearing and reappearing or not picking up the calls.Setting his terms.and I resisted since I didn't fall for these crumbs.

Do they come back?Maybe deep inside I hope he ll contact me at some point to have my chance and say what I want.It's been a month so I'm stronger but have no idea or experince if this is a game and it's not over or it's over and won't hear from him again.

 

He always told me no matter what he would keep texting me because he respected my mind and personality and our communication was invaluable (haven't seen that too..).

 

It's just that some days I feel so naive.in retrospect.

[angiep]

Yeah, see, this is a head-game. It made me feel like I was the bad one or the one in the wrong, while he was always so kind and forgiving. It kept me in a very confused state.

 

 

 

The issue was...he was perfectly happy with the terms. They were HIS TERMS.

 

 

SouthernSun I know what you mean.totally.I resisted to this mind game by telling him this contact means nothing to me even though I called to tell him over the phone too.

Is this game over now?It's been a month.Or do the come back and confuse me again?

I'm definitely stronger.Just feel sad and naive some days.

Edited June 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed quote ~T

[honeytomb]

He got bored or it got too complicated for him. You weren't interested in having a long term affair and he wasn't interested in changing his life to accommodate you beyond that. Maybe his family did catch on so he dropped you to protect himself.

 

I hope you get the answers you seek, but it may not be helpful. The fact that he didn't care to give you closure says it all- either he didn't think highly enough of you to do so, or he plans to try to pick things back up with you (and drop them at his will.)

 

He may come back. If he does, he will simply disappear again, as he has more than once already. I let mine come back and disappear as he wished and it was a waste of time and energy. It never made him come to me and stay.

 

I hope you get to say the things you need to say if you feel it will help you move on. For me, it didn't help. There were too many things to say, and the ones I said simply didn't matter to him.

 

Over time, the need to get those things off your chest will dissipate and closure will come naturally as you realize there is nothing he can give you that will make what he has done okay. I know it's hard and you keep going over and over things in your head but you can't figure it out if you don't have all of the pieces. He isn't going to give them to you and even if he does, he may not be truthful.

 

Don't get sucked back in again if/when he comes back. It gets better.

Edited June 20, 2017 by honeytomb

[angiep]

He got bored or it got too complicated for him. You weren't interested in having a long term affair and he wasn't interested in changing his life to accommodate you beyond that. Maybe his family did catch on so he dropped you to protect himself.

 

I hope you get the answers you seek, but it may not be helpful. The fact that he didn't care to give you closure says it all- either he didn't think highly enough of you to do so, or he plans to try to pick things back up with you (and drop them at his will.)

 

He may come back. If he does, he will simply disappear again, as he has more than once already. I let mine come back and disappear as he wished and it was a waste of time and energy. It never made him come to me and stay.

 

 

Honeytomb I totally agree with you. it got too deep and complicated after the weekend in his city.I wouldn't have dragged it anymore anyway.no more than couple of months until he made a decision.was only interested in a platonic friendship and communication from the start anyway.he pursued me and tried to convince me otherwise but told him he needed to have the talk with his wife and decide one way or the other.it was not an adventure or a break for me.

 

What hurts is the no contact.I helped him with his new book because he respected my way of thinking (maybe he got advantage of that too) and he was always saying he would never stop talking to me no matter what. and now it's as if I don't exist. Then I feel disappointed and some times very naive.

 

Im definitely better and stronger just sharing my thoughts.some days are more difficult.especially when I hear or read something about him.

Edited June 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed quote ~T

[RewindRomancer]

"I just don't know if he ll try to reappear again later on and mess me up..Do they do that?"

 

 

YES, yes!! They all do that....it's called push/pull. It's a constant dynamic in affairs. In the psych world, it is called "pursuer/distancer." When you pursue your MM beyond his comfort level, he shuts down and becomes distant. When you stop chasing him and act uninterested, it sets off alarm bells in MM and he will aggressively pursue the affair again.

 

 

Even though MM has "ghosted" you, my bet is that he'll be back. He can't help himself....but the question is, do you really WANT him back?

 

 

P.S. Just a side note to the OP: My xMM has a prominent government position. I am very, very careful to keep out identifying information when I post here. Be mindful of including too many IRL details re: your MM. You probably wouldn't want to out him on LS. ;o)

[angiep]

"I just don't know if he ll try to reappear again later on and mess me up..Do they do that?"

 

 

Even though MM has "ghosted" you, my bet is that he'll be back. He can't help himself....but the question is, do you really WANT him back?

 

 

I am very, very careful to keep out identifying information when I post here. Be mindful of including too many IRL details re: your MM. You probably wouldn't want to out him on LS. ;o)

 

I'm very careful RewindRomancer. I would never do anything to cause any harm.He knows that.I ve got photos all the threads of our talks and texts.He wasn't even afraid of me doing something crazy to end it in a nice way!how weird is that?

 

He s got a lot of fans.why come back to me?He can easily find new supply (and if he is a player as some of you have mentioned he may already have found a new one) why bother me again since I haven't fallen for his casual texts and his disappearing acts?

[elaine567]

He s got a lot of fans.why come back to me?He can easily find new supply (and if he is a player as some of you have mentioned he may already have found a new one) why bother me again since I haven't fallen for his casual texts and his disappearing acts?

 

The trouble with a man wanting a regular OW is that a "good one" is sometimes very hard to find.

Some women will turn him down right away and tell him to not be silly and go back to his wife, some will be happy with the flirting, teasing and ego strokes, but will draw the line at getting more involved, some will only want a ONS, some will make it clear they will only get involved if he is going to leave his wife and get a divorce, some will play along only to get fed up pretty quick with being "used", some will be totally "crazy", incompatible or no fun, some will have a load of baggage of their own...

 

Finding someone who

 

a) is happy seeing a married man

b) is happy to play second fiddle to his wife

c) is safe and is not "mad" enough to out him to his wife or to all and sundry

d) has no issues of her own to complicate matters

e) is not going to keep pressing for "more"

 

- is not easy to find.

 

That is why MM once they find a suitable OW, want to keep her around or if they do decide to split with her, they find it difficult to find another, so come back cap in hand pleading for her to take him back.

Also some guys just like to keep a back up stock, so whilst he may not NEED her right at the moment, he may NEED her later on, so he keeps her strung along.

[angiep]

The trouble with a man wanting a regular OW is that a "good one" is sometimes very hard to find.

 

Finding someone who

 

a) is happy seeing a married man

b) is happy to play second fiddle to his wife

c) is safe and is not "mad" enough to out him to his wife or to all and sundry

d) has no issues of her own to complicate matters

e) is not going to keep pressing for "more"

 

- is not easy to find.

 

Elain567 I never thought of it this way. and now that makes me feel more naive because from the start I only thought of it as a platonic friendship and communication and insisted on it.he somehow convinced me that there might be a future and fell for it for a little while I guess because I had not intention of having an affair or anything like it.that's why I asked for clarity since I was getting the message that he was not planning to keep his word and his promises.

From so many stories Ive read (had no idea before my experience) I ve seen that there are plenty of women out there who would try it.esp.with a famous person whom they respect, admire, etc.

I don't know.maybe you re right.couldn't have imagined all these things all of you have been writing to me all this time.

[angiep]

I had told him from the start it was not an adventure for me.so hopefully he has taken the message from my behaviour and my no contact all this time.That's why I don't understand why he would come back or contact me again.He knows I'm not interested in any kind of game.He can easily charm a new person.He knows he has to explain to me.

[angiep]

Well a couple of hours ago (after a month since him not picking up my calls when he initiated contact again) he sent me a sticker on fb messenger.I didn't open to read it.I mean a sticker??What is this?

I hadn't replied to "have a nice month" text which made more sense and now it's getting worse after him not picking up my calls?

What can you reply to a sticker?Tempted to send him a sticker to see what his game but he is 55 after all!is he that coward?What does he want?

He just gave me a headache, that's for sure..A sticker??!!

[angiep]

I opened his text.The sticker was Snoopy with a heart..???

I m not going to do anything. what do you think?

[Zahara]

I opened his text.The sticker was Snoopy with a heart..???

I m not going to do anything. what do you think?

 

Do you even have to ask?

[angiep]

I don't get it all.it's nothing to do with my way of thinking and it's hard to get that a 55 year old man would send a sticker for what?

the only reason I would reply with a sticker is just out of curiosity to see what he ll do next but I can't do it.it's beyond me.

was just wondering if I should to get any answers..nothing more.

[Zahara]

I don't get it all.it's nothing to do with my way of thinking and it's hard to get that a 55 year old man would send a sticker for what?

the only reason I would reply with a sticker is just out of curiosity to see what he ll do next but I can't do it.it's beyond me.

was just wondering if I should to get any answers..nothing more.

 

You've had 3 pages of advice all telling you his pattern and why he does it. You have had all the possible answers you need.

 

You do get it. You just don't want to accept it.

 

He sent you a sticker because he is throwing out bait. You titled your post "disappearing reappearing" -- well this is the pattern and you know what the pattern is. He appears when he wants a benefit, whether ego boost, attention, sex, etc. Disappears when he's done with you. You're just a fix.

 

He sees so little in you and knows that you don't require much -- your value is equivalent to a sticker. You should feel disrespected. But instead you're breaking brain over a Snoopy sticker. Where is your value? This guy should be blocked. You're teaching him you deserve little to nothing.

 

Seems as if deep down you believe this is some gesture of interest, love, etc. It's not.

[angiep]

You don't need to be that harsh.

I ve read the advice everybody has given me and I do agree with everyone that's why I ve done nothing for 2 months now.

I just find it so hard to believe and accept a sticker as a way of contacting me!I just posted because this might be my chance to say what I want to say because obviously he didn't get my message when i told him that I don't want any casual texts they mean nothing and if he wants sth he should call. By sending this he obviously didn't get it.Of course a sticker is nothing I know that.I may have been naive but I'm not stupid.I have never fallen for this kind of texts.I just thought and that's why I posted if this could be my chance to say what I want to say.that's all.

[angiep]

PS. my previous boyfriend did the same thing when we broke up.he used to send stickers or just hi for a month and never replied.told him the same sth.if he wanted us to talk he should call.I just knew that because I set boundaries and I dont accept such crumbs he didn't have the courage to call so the sticker was his way of approaching me.after a month of me not replying to the stickers he did find the courage to call and say what he wanted to say.So I ve seen this before, and he was not a MM.and I know he does the same thing.he could never just call after all this time.still it's disrespectful and means nothing but many men do it apparently when they are wrong and it's been a while.single or married

[Zahara]

You don't need to be that harsh.

I ve read the advice everybody has given me and I do agree with everyone that's why I ve done nothing for 2 months now.

I just find it so hard to believe and accept a sticker as a way of contacting me!I just posted because this might be my chance to say what I want to say because obviously he didn't get my message when i told him that I don't want any casual texts they mean nothing and if he wants sth he should call. By sending this he obviously didn't get it.Of course a sticker is nothing I know that.I may have been naive but I'm not stupid.I have never fallen for this kind of texts.I just thought and that's why I posted if this could be my chance to say what I want to say.that's all.

 

This cannot be any harsher than the acceptance and tolerance of the treatment you've allowed this man to put upon you.

 

You find it hard to believe that a man that ping pongs in and out of your life, promised never to do that again but eventually did would send you a sticker?

 

No, he did get it. He just doesn't care that you don't want casual texts. He doesn't give two fiddles about your needs/wants. He cares about whether he can rope you in for some benefits. You want decency and respect from someone who is cheating on his family -- a liar and a cheat?

 

There is nothing more to say. You don't tell a man to respect your wishes. You tell him once and when he breaks that boundary, you are then responsible for protecting yourself and keeping him at bay. This man should have been blocked. The fact that you still keep him accessible is an indication that you have hope for things to change. The sooner you block, the sooner you move on.

[Matt the Rat]

Get out. Now.

 

Those things never work out. Maybe 3% or something. Not worth it.

 

Wish I'd have known.

[angiep]

 

There is nothing more to say. You don't tell a man to respect your wishes. You tell him once and when he breaks that boundary, you are then responsible for protecting yourself and keeping him at bay. This man should have been blocked. The fact that you still keep him accessible is an indication that you have hope for things to change. The sooner you block, the sooner you move on.

 

That's what I ve been doing for so long.and getting stronger every day.to continue doing it.I just posted the update and shared my thoughts.I think I can do that here.It's a safe environment to do it.

I don't want to go back.as I ve mentioned before I just wish I have the chance to say what I want. a sticker is not a message to do that.

[Life lessons]

That's what I ve been doing for so long.and getting stronger every day.to continue doing it.I just posted the update and shared my thoughts.I think I can do that here.It's a safe environment to do it.

I don't want to go back.as I ve mentioned before I just wish I have the chance to say what I want. a sticker is not a message to do that.

 

I've not read your thread in its entirety, although I did skim the last page and just remember that when you open that door, it only is opening to bring you more pain. To start up the process all over again! It's not worth it!

 

I've not been an OW to a MM but I did have an A with a single man. I know how difficult it is to resist the temptations of contacting one another but you have to stay strong and always tell yourself that new contact equals new pain.

 

You're doing good, from what I've read thus far.....don't give him the pleasure of contact!

 

Remember the progress you've made and know that if you stay NC then you will get over him much quicker. Don't delay something that you know is bound to happen.....and that is the A coming to an end.

 

Stay strong and good luck!

[RewindRomancer]

@ Angie/OP:

 

 

"Say what you want to say", girl!" But be prepared for a ****storm of lovey-dovey texts trying to rope you back in. Are you strong enough to resist? Know this. Know this for a fact....there is no real resolution to an affair. You just go in circles, push/pull, push/pull...until *YOU* decide to quit (or, unless as in my case, there is a D-Day, complete with fireworks, and the whole entire she-bang is shut down.

 

 

Ignore the Snoopy/Heart sticker. Block him, and go No Contact. It's the only way to break free. This guy will mess with your mind with his WORDS if you let him!! Remember, he's a professional writer.

 

 

Block and run, girl....that's all I have to say. And I know it's easier said than done. I cried for months when I finally cut my xMM off.

[angiep]

@ Angie/OP:

 

 

Ignore the Snoopy/Heart sticker. Block him, and go No Contact. It's the only way to break free. This guy will mess with your mind with his WORDS if you let him!! Remember, he's a professional writer.

 

 

RewindRomancer of course I ll ignore it.I ve managed not to fall for have a nice month after the first 2 weeks I can surely manage not to talk to him now!I just got frustrated when I saw it.a sticker from a 55-year old man!so ridiculous!

The only thing I thought of doing but I probably won't is to text him a message to let me go on with my life as he has his own life and he isn't willing to change that.that I don't want us to be friends and he should respect my no contact and my wish and not text me again.Knowing him this is the only text that he would respect and stop. Don't know if this is a good idea.just a thought to share.

[elaine567]

The only thing I thought of doing but I probably won't is to text him a message to let me go on with my life as he has his own life and he isn't willing to change that.that I don't want us to be friends and he should respect my no contact and my wish and not text me again.Knowing him this is the only text that he would respect and stop. Don't know if this is a good idea.just a thought to share.

Problem with that is that he will see that as "contact" and that you are caving in.

You can't be in no contact if you start contacting him to discuss the no contact.

If you do not reply then it is obvious you want to get on with your own life, and that you do not want to be friends - you do not need to get into a conversation about it with him.

Block his number and you will no longer receive texts from him.

 

He actually doesn't really care what you think, he no doubt wants his "toy" back now, and if a "Snoopy with a heart" sticker will do it then great.

He doesn't want to get into deep conversation about why he isn't leaving his wife and what the future really holds and he would have to do that if he called you, so he just hopes that you will fall for this soppy nonsense.

He can then resume where he left off and you will be fine with it all as you are besotted with him, and will put up with anything he throws at you, just to have him back in your life.

55 yo men with kids and wives usually just want an OW on the side. They want a compliant one, one that doesn't want more.

This push and pull behaviour, tends to mess with heads, the lows are so low and the highs are the so high, and before you know it you will put up with very very little and be oh so grateful that he shows you any attention at all.

He then just gets on with his normal life, doing what he wants, when he wants to do it, and you are forever waiting in the wings, on call for whenever he deigns to give you some attention...

[Adoraxx]

Hi Angie,

 

How are you? I just read your thread and was surprised to see that he sent you a SNOOPY STICKER. LOL!!! Honestly, that cracked me up!! How pathetic is that??? Like you said: a 55 year old man who sends a STICKER!?!?! Haha so hilarious when you think about it....

 

I really hope you didn't send anything back to him!!!!

 

My xMM was always disappearing / reappearing too (for a period of 8 plus years!!!!!) . In the end I MOVED. This was in November 2016. Before that, he had been ignoring me for months, but he popped up again a week before I left, and said he wants to stay in touch by email ( I had planned to delete the account but after I saw him, I found that SO hard).

 

Anyway, he emailed me until March and that's where I got his last email where he said that he'll never see me again and he doesn't want to email me anymore and this and that. Keep in mind, he's a disappearing/ reappearing man like your Snoopy sticker xMM.

 

Still, I figured I would never hear from him again. I deleted the shared email account (and this was a HUGE STEP for me) , got rid of the few gifts that he gave me (just some rocks/ a sea shell/ broken bracelet) , BURNED all his pics and it was a really GOOD feeling to see the flames and those pics disappearing in the flames.

 

He sent me that 'goodbye' email in March and I deleted the account right away too.

 

And who emailed me this morning?????????????? Yes, he did.

 

And he's about the same age as your xMM, but he doesn't know how to use stickers or else he surely would have sent me a sticker too.

 

Instead he used an email address that he only uses for Youtube normally, and wrote in the subjectline: "Hello, how are you?"

 

And then I clicked on the email but it was empty otherwise. So just the subject line with "hello, how are you?"

 

I AM NOT GOING TO RESPOND! I have to admit that I'm pleased because obviously he did at least notice that I deleted the shared account. And that gives me some satisfaction.

 

I hope you're doing ok!!! I know it's not easy but you're worth more than a stupid sticker or a "have a nice month" (???) message!!!!!!! And I loved reading these replies in your thread. Excellent and so true.

 

Hugs,

Adoraxx

[angiep]

Elaine567 it's exactly like this.

It's just so frustrating at first and then disappointing for a man of his age.I always expect sth more meaningful and get all these silly texts to fall for which I'm not going to.

It's just disappointing because he is someone I admired and respected as a writer and journalist, not as a person of course because I didn't know him.

Just expected different behaviour for a man of his age.Just that.

He wants to show me he is the nice one who keeps texting but how can he think we can go back to where he left off??it's absurd.if I did respond he should be expecting me asking for an explanation or sth.I'm not going to do anything of course.it's just disappointing.

Thanks for your post.They are always very helpful.