Married but had one night stand with longtime friend

[Morgoth]

My recommendation to you is DO NOT CONFESS, forget it and move on, raise your child in a 2 parent home. If you want a relationship with your friend, be discrete, don't get emotionally attached. If your friend is meeting your physical needs, it might actually make things better at home. If you want to create a spark with your husband, become very sexual and start doing things out of your comfort zone and your married sex life might bloom. Good luck to you.

Edited June 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic commentary ~T

[Kayc5634]

My recommendation to you is DO NOT CONFESS, forget it and move on, raise your child in a 2 parent home. If you want a relationship with your friend, be discrete, don't get emotionally attached. If your friend is meeting your physical needs, it might actually make things better at home. If you want to create a spark with your husband, become very sexual and start doing things out of your comfort zone and your married sex life might bloom. Good luck to you.

 

Thank you Morgoth. I don't deserve compassion, and it certainly wasn't what I was looking for but your advice means a lot. I clearly have a lack of intimacy at home but don't want to sink my relationship either; as I said, even though others may not believe it, my husband is a good man (who deserves better) and I do love him. I appreciate your candidness.

Edited June 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to edited post ~T

[Zenstudent]

At last... At last, there was a post with a reply that you like. A reply that resonates with you. So the Morgoth way is the way you wanna live your life?

 

Why bother to stay married then? The thrill of stabbing your husband in the back?

 

Why don't you take a hard look in the mirror and decide who you wanna be, and which roads to take in life. And then act accordingly. Or is that what you have done already?

[mikeylo]

You need to find another job asap IF you want to save your marriage. No friendly goodbyes or sorrys or discussions of what happened or shouldn't have happened.

 

Looking for a new job isn't easy but that's the price you pay.

 

Each and every marriage will be full of issues once you compare it with an affair. In affair you don't see each other at your worst emotional or physical state , it's always the best foot forward, best make up , dress etc. Every successful marriage is WORK and sacrifice.

 

Come clean to your husband. Its the hardest thing to do but you owe it to him.If you think your child is too small , just wait a few more years. Children can pick up your behavior even if you think you are good at covering up.

 

The first obvious step is to leave your job and go complete no contact with the other guy and second is obviously telling your husband.

 

And once you confess, don't ever bring the other guy in front of your husband. You will slowly learn why.

Edited June 11, 2017 by mikeylo

[Kayc5634]

At last... At last, there was a post with a reply that you like. A reply that resonates with you. So the Morgoth way is the way you wanna live your life?

 

Why bother to stay married then? The thrill of stabbing your husband in the back?

 

Why don't you take a hard look in the mirror and decide who you wanna be, and which roads to take in life. And then act accordingly. Or is that what you have done already?

 

I wasn't liking the post because it told me what I wanted to hear. ALL of the criticism in this thread resonates with me, and I know that I deserve it. I appreciated the part about raising my child in a stable home, which is why I know that my betrayal must stop.

[usa1ah]

I am willing to take full responsibility by telling my husband. I f**cked up royally and have no one to blame for my selfishness but me. It will be up to him to decide what happens next, but my plan is to cut this other person out of my life in some bid to save a marriage that is worth more than any of that. Your replies were harsh and candid, but I deserve them and need to hear them. For that, thank you. I'm currently in therapy to work on my flaws and ****ty behavior, so hopefully this will steer me in the right direction. My husband deserves better, and I'll do anything to try to put things right.

 

I hope the best for you Kayc. You will never have what you had with your husband. Nothing will ever be the same.

 

One thing. The OM never respected you. These men go after marriage women they believe they can bed. No MAN will bed a married woman they respect.

Edited June 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HereNorThere]

I wasn't liking the post because it told me what I wanted to hear. ALL of the criticism in this thread resonates with me, and I know that I deserve it. I appreciated the part about raising my child in a stable home, which is why I know that my betrayal must stop.

 

 

Okay, so what steps are you taking to stop it? Have you written a no-contact letter? Have you quit your job? Confessed to your husband? Written a timeline? Had an std test? Changed your phone number, email address, and deactivated Facebook, etc?

 

You're fooling yourself if you think you just get to wipe your hands clean, work next to him and stop on your own. You're fooling yourself if you think you can live with the guilt without confession. You're fooling yourself if you think this won't create a disconnect from your husband and children. Look at your child and see his face. Look at the features your child inherited from him. When you betrayed him, you betrayed half of them. You sold out their future for a stupid lay. You risked everything for a crush. What, are you fourteen or something? Stop acting like a kid, YOU HAVE A KID.

 

Look, you've already proven you need help. You're here and there's more than enough people and resources to get you going in the right direction. The thing is, we're not going to "nice" someone destroying a family over something dumb. Whatever excuse you can think of, we've already heard it. You can either take the advice or blow up your entire life and psychologically damage everyone you love, from your momma to your kid. No one will be left unscathed unless you take DRASTIC measures. We've seen it all before. No one who posts here is a special snowflake.

 

So, what actions have you taken at this very moment to make things right? What future actions are you going to take?

 

Let me guess, you're going to his house to tell him you can't see him anymore? Lol. Yeah, that always works. Maybe you guys can text about how you're not going to text? That one seems popular too.

Edited June 11, 2017 by HereNorThere

[Friskyone4u]

I wasn't liking the post because it told me what I wanted to hear. ALL of the criticism in this thread resonates with me, and I know that I deserve it. I appreciated the part about raising my child in a stable home, which is why I know that my betrayal must stop.

 

KayC

There is only one way the betrayal will stop and that is if you confess, and the reasons have nothing to do you guilt or shame. If you read a book called "Not Just Friends" or others, you will understand that workplace affairs are the most difficult to stop for the betrayed spouse and the most toxic to the marriage.

You have crossed a line and anything your husband gets to read if you confess will tell them that one thing he MUST insist on is you not spending 10 hours a day with your boyfriend. So that is just for starters.

 

If you do not confess, it is only a matter of time before there is another opportunity to have sex again, either created by a meeting, outing with co workers, or just initiated by one of you. By having your marriage on the line it will give you incentive to resist, and since your OM is single you have even more of a problem.

 

Now the fact is 95% of men swear that infidelity will be immediate divorce, and for some it is. But you have a much better chance of saving your marriage and not destroying your family if you confess it ALL at once than if he catches you and believes it has gone on for months. And believe me when you get caught he is not going to believe anything you say.

 

So now you either live with this "secret" that will most likely intensify when OM gets "horny" for you again and your little talk about ending it goes out the window or you put a stop to it by insuring that your husband knows therefore ending it. You can make all the excuses you want to for not confessing but what it all boils down to is if you do not confess you keep your options open to do it again much easier.

 

No one thinks they will get caught, but most do.

[mikeylo]

To add, since you yourself are so half hearted in cutting the other man out, why do you think he will let go of you ? It's all about ego -- the ability to have the power to be the cause of rift between a couple. His ego is at stake and seeing you walk away from such a long 'friendship ' is not something that he would want. He will be in your face to challenge your decision to cut him off .

This is where your confession to your husband comes in.

 

Once you confess, no matter what the OM does , you will choose your husband over and over again and block him out. It's not going to be easy. He has nothing to lose as he is single. You have a young family.

[road]

OP, not only must you tell your BH, you must leave this job for

that is the only way you will get NC with your OM.

 

Too many times without NC the WW is back in bed with the OM

again.

[Trtroles]

Do you know why OM never married or had a serious relationship ??? It is because he uses women,just like he used you.

 

A good man will never sleep with a married woman.

 

What you did to your husband is really bad. You had emotional affair with OM for a long time. You intoduce him to you husband saying he is "only friend" and then you slept with him,still maintain contact with him,worried about friendship and not your marriage.

[aliveagain]

Please read Deepremorse5's post specially her last couple of posts and then decide if the price of a little strange is worth the changes to your life. The only thing that married you was your word, so now what, you broke your word, don't you think he needs to know?

Edited June 11, 2017 by aliveagain

[mikeylo]

She is already emotionally attached. Isn't that obvious? Telling her to not get emotionally attached is pure fantasy land stuff.

 

The emotional attachment itself is a fantasy attachment. It's not real attachment. It's the affair fog. The OM doesn't care about her but she believes he does. She won't see it till everything is out in the open.

[mikeylo]

Please read Deepremorse5's post specially her last couple of posts and then decide if the price of a little strange is worth the changes to your life. The only thing that married you was your word, so now what, you broke your word, don't you think he needs to know?

 

Yep! It's the end OP shouldn't want.

[Bryanp]

Would it bother you if your husband felt a bit bored and decided to have sex with an old girlfriend behind your back?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Kayc....

 

Many years ago I had one sexual encounter with another man. We were not best friends so my story is different than yours but i certainly can relate to your story.

 

I was 28 years old...married 11 years with 2 babies.

 

What you have done...can never be undone and this will sink in much later....the reality of this will become evident.

 

I have one regret in life...and that regret is that i cheated. I have had many things i woud change...but those things were not caused by choices I willingly made.

 

I could have kept my mouth shut....no one knew...but instead...i confided in my mother who i knew was very wise....and then i confessed to my husband.

 

This was 33 years ago...and i am very happily married...but i will tell you...there is not a day that goes by that i dont wish i could undo what i did.

 

I beleive you love your husband....I beleive you are already regretting your choice to cheat.

 

I want you to read the book how to help my spouse heal from my affair by linda macdonald. It is online and a free download and is only 95 pages long. Read it....

 

Talk to your mom or a best friend...but confide in someone about what you have done....someone you can talk to about this on a regualr basis.

 

Get yourself into therapy...to figure out what allowed you to do this.

 

Confess to your husband what you have done....become accountable....take ALL responsibility for your choice to cheat...and become completley transparent to your husband. Give him all passwords to all accounts. Tell him your itenerary every single day.

 

Go see a lawyer to find out your rights should your husband decide that he cannot stay with you.

 

You already know in your heart...you may have crossed his line

 

You simply MUST have no contact with this other man ever again. YOu cannot work with him...you cannot talk to him...you can no longer be friends. He is now your enemy...he is the enemy of your marriage.

 

This may mean getting a new job....closing all social accounts or blocking him from all social accounts and your phone.

 

This is not going to be easy...you have to decide...if saving your marriage is worth all of the hard work and effort you will have to do to save it.

 

Welcome to the cheaters world....I so wish you had thought about this and the repercussions of this before you started down this path....too late now....you have already done it....and it cannot be undone.

 

You can move forward...you can become a better spouse...you can become a better person...but it will take time and lots of work.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Kayc, you have been given good advice all around. The advice by Morgoth was a bit cynical to my mind. If you do want to follow his advice talk to your husband and ask him if he is agreeable to an open marriage or, if he prefers, let you be a Hotwife. The fact is that women get emotionally attached to their APs like it or not. You have already admitted you were in an emotional affair with your AP. Keeping it secret will blow up in your face sooner rather than later.

 

You should also read deadsoul's thread. It will help you insofar as the issues arising out of confessing to your husband are concerned. There is only one thing you must remember and that is ' You cannot have your cake and eat it too'. It does'nt work because these two things cannot coexist. You can have one or the other. If you are pitching for your marriage your AP must disappear in your rear view mirror. Warm wishes.

[stillafool]

It's interesting how most women claim that they have such an incredible emotional connection with a man so they end up sleeping around on their husbands. What a lot of women don't understand is that it is an emotional connection for them but for the OM it is lust they are trying to fulfill and nothing more. This man got what he wanted and knew you wanted and now he could pretty much take it or leave it because you are not his problem but your husbands. You will start to obsess and be jealous over him and pretty soon he will wish he had never slept with you. It is time to start looking for another job.

[mikeylo]

It's interesting how most women claim that they have such an incredible emotional connection with a man so they end up sleeping around on their husbands. What a lot of women don't understand is that it is an emotional connection for them but for the OM it is lust they are trying to fulfill and nothing more. This man got what he wanted and knew you wanted and now he could pretty much take it or leave it because you are not his problem but your husbands. You will start to obsess and be jealous over him and pretty soon he will wish he had never slept with you. It is time to start looking for another job.

 

Agree. I guess it's also same for men who get caught up in affairs. They also believe that the OW loves them understands them better , cares, validates and appreciates them BUT its far from truth.

 

Once push comes to shove, all APs run the opposite direction. No wonder all WS ultimately want to stay with their partner. But the work that comes with it, is not something that everyone can do, especially cutting the AP out. By the time most cut them off, the BS are ready to give up and move on.No BS wants to see how difficult it is for their WS to let go of AP. How cruel is that? It was easy to cheat on partner but difficult to dump AP

Edited June 11, 2017 by mikeylo

[somanymistakes]

Agree. I guess it's also same for men who get caught up in affairs. They also believe that the OW loves them understands them better, cares, validates and appreciates them BUT its far from truth.

 

Once push comes to shove, all APs run the opposite direction.

 

Not true at all.

 

Really, almost anytime someone says "all" they're being deliberately blind. All BSes, all WSes, all APs, no matter what category you use, they're not all the same.

 

When a DDay hits, some WSes will drop the AP like a hot coal, and some APs will panic and run, and both will deny they were ever involved. But some of both will also think "Ah! Now it's all out in the open, now at last we can be together properly!"

 

Unfortunately for them, a lot of the time, the other person they're cheating with doesn't actually want to be together 'properly' or they would have already done it. A lot of the time one side definitely wants to get together for real, but is hanging around waiting for the other side to make up their mind... and are in for a rude awakening.

 

For that matter it's hard to make a distinction between WS and AP since so often the AP is a WS for someone else.

[mikeylo]

Not true at all.

 

Really, almost anytime someone says "all" they're being deliberately blind. All BSes, all WSes, all APs, no matter what category you use, they're not all the same.

 

When a DDay hits, some WSes will drop the AP like a hot coal, and some APs will panic and run, and both will deny they were ever involved. But some of both will also think "Ah! Now it's all out in the open, now at last we can be together properly!"

 

Unfortunately for them, a lot of the time, the other person they're cheating with doesn't actually want to be together 'properly' or they would have already done it. A lot of the time one side definitely wants to get together for real, but is hanging around waiting for the other side to make up their mind... and are in for a rude awakening.

 

For that matter it's hard to make a distinction between WS and AP since so often the AP is a WS for someone else.

 

LOL ! replace ALL by MOST. Fine?

[deadsoul]

Well, here I am, two weeks after a longtime emotional affair with a man I've worked with for several years ended in a one night stand. By the way, I've been with my husband for almost 13 years and we have a 6 yr old daughter. My marriage has left me feeling bored and unfulfilled lately, and my husband is a very good man but doesn't tend to put any effort into making me feel special or wanted (and I've expressed this need to him often).

 

Unfortunately this is how it happens....

 

My coworker and I have been close for many years; we joke around all the time, we confide in each other, we text pretty often (mostly jokey, nothing intensely serious), and go out for drinks either with our mutual friends or alone. He and my husband have met several times and get along pretty well, which makes this even more awful. He and I had never discussed emotional feelings for each other, though it was pretty obvious that we were attracted to one another (a friend verified this for me years ago). He's never been married and has relatively short, meaningless relationships here and there but likes his solitude.

 

I'd been feeling intense desire for him for several months and we recently both crashed at our friend's place after a night out. He initiated cuddling, laying in each other's arms, and everything sexual that followed but I wanted it too. Things were obviously awkward the following morning but we agreed to keep everything we'd done to ourselves so as not to get caught and to be able to move forward. We also had a discussion a few days later when we went back to work: we both admitted that our bond is strong but our friendship matters the most. We also discussed our mutual respect for one another and that yes, at some point or another, physical attraction was there. The plan was to remain friends and move on.

 

This can't happen

 

Problem is, I'm having trouble with this. A lot of it is guilt for what I've done, and some is the "what if?" I know that he and I would be passionate together but that he could never give me the stability that I currently have with my husband, who I really do love. It's been two weeks, and we still talk at work, have texted once or twice (innocuous stuff), but it feels off. I also selfishly enjoy the attention that I receive from him, as I'm someone who he's always respected and admired (though who knows now). I fear that by involving myself in this, I messed up a friendship that I value deeply and am afraid to lose.

 

You have the feelings.

 

To those of you who have been in a similar situation, how do you move forward?

 

A day at a time. He's an addiction. You are addicted to the feelings. You will soon realize they are not real, it was just something to relieve the boredom you were feeling in your day to day relationship.

 

How do you get past the emotional aspect of knowing that what you did was wrong but that it felt so exciting (and you have to see each other every day)?

 

When you realize how much it hurts your family and you realize your feelings are selfish. It's okay to have them. Not okay to act on them.

 

I take full responsibility for all of this, but can't stop thinking about it...any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!

 

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you should confess or any of that. You've heard all that. You are in, what we call around here, the affair fog. It's something new and exciting and it probably feels like it is filling that missing piece you have.

 

I was where you are and I promise you can get past it with a lot of hard work on your part. You need to take a good look at yourself and why you are unhappy and if you want to fight for your marriage, you have to put all your energy there. I type this like it is easy. It isn't. Go read my LOOOOONNNGGG thread. I confessed. I'm not saying that's what everyone should do, but go look at why I did. I had to change what I was doing. I had to change my behaviors and making myself accountable to the people that love me is what I had to do. Confessing does not relieve the guilt, by any means. I'm not sure why people think it does. There are reasons to confess and reasons to not and you have to do what is right for you.

 

I'm not going to lie. The feelings for OM will stick around for awhile. But you will get to the point where you can change your thinking and it doesn't feel so intense. You see it for what it really is.

 

Any man who would sleep with a married woman is not a good man.

 

I'm doing a lot of work on myself: why I did what I did and how I have to live with how it has changed EVERYTHING. Someone will come on here and post about regret and remorse. I have so many regrets. But I still have not truly hit the remorse stage. I have not truly empathized with my family and what I've put them through. But I know it is a path and I'm on it. Some times I take steps backwards. But then I go forward again.

 

Read the stories of the betrayed. Read the stories of the waywards. You will see so many similarities. I could've posted your story word for word... back when it was just a ONS. But I didn't quit. I kept going.

 

Keep posting. Read Midnight Blue's story, Jenkin's story, SouthernSun and Hecantbreakme. You will see so many similarities when you are ready to see them. If you don't see them, you may still be in the fog.

 

Good luck OP. It's a long road. I'm sorry you are on it.

[deadsoul]

I am willing to take full responsibility by telling my husband. I f**cked up royally and have no one to blame for my selfishness but me. It will be up to him to decide what happens next, but my plan is to cut this other person out of my life in some bid to save a marriage that is worth more than any of that. Your replies were harsh and candid, but I deserve them and need to hear them. For that, thank you. I'm currently in therapy to work on my flaws and ****ty behavior, so hopefully this will steer me in the right direction. My husband deserves better, and I'll do anything to try to put things right.

 

I missed this before I posted. Sorry. This is a good first step. You are in therapy, that is good. Your actions need to match your words that you'll do anything to put things right. That's the hard part because talk is cheap. Trust me, my OM gave me lots of that and I bought that hook-line and sinker....

[Zona]

It's interesting how most women claim that they have such an incredible emotional connection with a man so they end up sleeping around on their husbands. What a lot of women don't understand is that it is an emotional connection for them but for the OM it is lust they are trying to fulfill and nothing more. This man got what he wanted and knew you wanted and now he could pretty much take it or leave it because you are not his problem but your husbands. You will start to obsess and be jealous over him and pretty soon he will wish he had never slept with you. It is time to start looking for another job.

 

If you look at the research, the chance of an affair partner becoming a long term mate/spouse is extremely low, around 1%. In this case, the dude is definitely not marriage material by the WW's own admission. Makes it even more of a head scratcher.

[Vincentstreet]

"My coworker and I have been close for many years; we joke around all the time, we confide in each other, we text pretty often (mostly jokey, nothing intensely serious)..."

 

"I'd been feeling intense desire for him for several months and we recently both crashed at our friend's place after a night out...."

 

 

After reading your original post (opening post) I noticed that everything revolved around you and how you felt.. only a fleeting mention of your daughter as well.

 

Regarding the statements I highlighted above.. cardinal rules -

1. Never confide in co-workers of the opposite sex...

2. Never crash anywhere other than where your husband sleeps (unless its for work purposes i guess)

 

When you get married and/or decide to have a family, you make the choice to have fun within the context of family... so I do not understand men and women having drinks after work and needing to "crash" at a friends... There is no way i would agree with that and neither ask it of my wife to put up with something such as this. How incredibly selfish... This guy saw you coming a mile away.. easy prey! (started the day you "confided" in him)