Wife's "affair" after one year married

[BluesPower]

I should also mention, when I found out back in January, she literally walked around the house for weeks like a zombie. Uttering to herself "Oh my God, What have I done", "I can't live my life without you", "I don't want to start over", over and over like a broken record. Pacing back and forth, and even went on anti anxiety meds for over a month in fear of me leaving.

 

I feel I don't need to know all the tiny details, I just want to know if there was more than just kissing and groping. And if not, is my marriage worth saving? Is it still considered an affair if it was 4 or 5 kisses at work only? As mentioned before, she isn't budging any more.

 

Read on here for a bit...her behavior is typical. Frankly if you don't do a poly you are being foolish.

 

You need the complete truth. And right now you do not have it. She does not get to call the shots. She had the affair not you, and she has to fix it not you. It is her responsibility to give you the complete truth.

 

I promise you that she will freak out when you tell her you are taking her to get a polygraph. She will scream and yell and protest to the nth degree. You know what that means??? She is and has been lying to you from the beginning.

 

Have you exposed to her old workplace. Have you told his wife? Don't you think she has a right to know?

 

If you believe that it was 4 or 5 kisses and groping, well there is not much we can do for you.

[Superchicken]

Hi Dobber80,

 

 

Please do the following. It is underhanded, but for good reasons.

 

 

Hold a mobile phone up to your ears, like your on a call.

Walk towards you wife while pretending to listen on the phone. Then when near her, and she could easily hear what you would say.

Then say " Thank you for at least telling me the truth, even though you were Flukkin my wife". Then put the phone down, and say "That was you ex boss", and he's just told me everything. What do you want to tell me now about not having sex with him".

 

 

Her body response and the facial expression should be evident.

How long she responds is also a sign. Some one not cheating, will immediately respond, however, one that takes a breath or a second or two, is hiding something.

 

 

Go start packing your bags, and I'm sure she'll start spilling the beans.

 

 

But, keep packing, because she swore on the ring!.

Sorry, anyone that's that defiant, and that hog tied into keeping a lie going, deserves NO remorse, and NO sympathy.

 

 

The fact you haven't taken any action so far, shows your too scared to take drastic action. This will destroy you in the end.

 

 

Rest assured, she has had sex. No if's or But's..

Sorry that your getting confirmation here, that everyone's on the same page that she was in a sexual relationship, but, get above it, and take control.

Your lose control, by allowing her to confuse you in what matters most. Your life..

 

 

 

 

Ted

[Dobber80]

Also, I have not exposed the situation to his wife.

 

I could tell her either take the polygraph, or I tell his wife. I still have some leverage lol

[Superchicken]

Oh, one last thing..

If YOU only kissed and groped, would YOU act like she did ?.

NO, cause its the bottom of the cheating barrel. A slap on the wrists, and loss of privileges.

But, go nutso Wacko, and hey presto, Sexathons galore come to mind..

 

 

Ted

[QuietDan]

I should also mention, when I found out back in January, she literally walked around the house for weeks like a zombie. Uttering to herself "Oh my God, What have I done", "I can't live my life without you", "I don't want to start over", over and over like a broken record. Pacing back and forth, and even went on anti anxiety meds for over a month in fear of me leaving.

 

I feel I don't need to know all the tiny details, I just want to know if there was more than just kissing and groping. And if not, is my marriage worth saving? Is it still considered an affair if it was 4 or 5 kisses at work only? As mentioned before, she isn't budging any more.

From what you have said, all of her behavior strongly indicates full blown hot and heavy physical affair.

Eventually, both of you will need to evaluate who you are and what you really want and need in a relationship from who ever you are with.

What you can live with, then the what, when, where, and why? Honesty, transparency, trust, etc.

So, why are you in this relationship with this person? Is she really the person you think she is?

You will in effect need to build a new relationship from the ground up. On top of the ashes and destruction that was the old relationship. Is this the person you want to reinvest that kind of time, energy, pain?

[usa1ah]

Someone said do a polygraph, do so.

 

First off do not let her know about it.

 

Secondly, on the way to it, hand her a list of the four questions you want answered. When she asks what this is, inform her of the polygraph. Let her know if she refuses to take it, it is admission of guilt. Let her know she has all the right to refuse to take it. If she takes it you have your answers. Same if she refuses.

 

Third, what are you going to do if it was a full on affair? Divorce or reconcile.

 

If divorce have the papers ready when the results from the poly are known. If reconciliation, start to heal and seek professional help.

 

Know these things before hand.

 

Questions

 

Did you have sex with your former boss?

 

Was it more then once?

 

In the 9 years you have been with "your name", have you had sex wife anyone other then "your name".

 

Pick a fourth question or different ones all together.

[Overtaxed]

Listen to the other posters, they are dead on. Read my story if you'd like some insight into the "internal denial" process that goes on.

 

What I'm going to tell you, from my personal experience and from reading 1000's of posts; the "normal rules" do not apply in an A. Your wife might be totally conventional in bed, it might have taken you a year of dating her before she kissed you, and you might only have sex once a month. In an A, all that changes. Sex on the first "date", which very likely is a stairwell somewhere or a car. Freaky sex, almost always. And a tremendous amount of sex whenever time permits. Sit back, absorb that, and then think to yourself, "Can you forgive if that's the case". If not, you should leave now, you really should. Because, as I and others are telling you, given what you've said, it's almost 100% this is much closer to the truth than what you're being told by your W. My W had very low desire, not in our marriage, but from the beginning of our relationship. In the A, she had sex 3X a day with the OM. The posters here told me "be ready for it", so, as much as I didn't want to believe it, I was. I'd determined, before I got total disclosure, that I could forgive the sexual acts, the "R" discussion was more contingent on her telling me the truth and us working to rebuild our relationship. But if you're "R discussion" is totally centered around "did you have sex" or "did you have a lot of sex", trust me, trust us, and trust your gut. They did, and they did. If you can't accept those conditions of R, then just walk away. You'll be better off not knowing the details (again, trust me). If you can accept her back, even though she had a lot of probably kinky sex with the OM, then, keep pressing, because it's worth it if you think you have a chance of saving your relationship and it's worth saving.

 

But don't bury your head in the sand. The "A rules" aren't the same as dating rules. It's why some men so strongly seek out A's; the sex is frequent, the sex is kinky, and the power knowing "she doesn't do this with her H" is intoxicating. Thinking about dating her and using that as a comparison to how she acted in the A is a terrible mistake. And believing things like she went to a parking lot and just "sat there" or "made out" is magical thinking. Read the stories, and see other people move from "it was only emotional" to "she was a sexual freak with him". It happens here every day. The "A rules" are pretty clear, and it's almost "never" that someone breaks them. Especially not when presenting the signs your wife is. She slept with him, I'd bet my house on it too (so, if we're wrong, you get 2 houses!). Given that, is R still on the table? If not, walk away now, because you're just torturing yourself for no reason.

[Chaparral]

Well, it just wasn't at work was it? You even caught her at a Walmart. How many times did you not catch her? This went on for months.

 

Go ahead and tell his wife. Then schedule the polygraph. Don't tell her until a couple of days before. No matter what she admits to,go through with the test.

After many years on these boards,the chances she telling the truth is about 1/100. And that being generous.

Her being upset was when she told her boss you were catching on and he dumped her..she found out what she really lent to him, nothing.

[usa1ah]

Tell the OM wife your wife quite to stop her husbands pursuit after your wife.

[Crazelnut]

Also, I have not exposed the situation to his wife.

 

I could tell her either take the polygraph, or I tell his wife. I still have some leverage lol

 

Wrong. You should not be bargaining like this. You should be doing BOTH of these things. Tell his wife. Then schedule the polygraph AND FOLLOW THROUGH. Regardless of whatever "confessions" you get once you inform her of the poly. It is the only way to get the truth. She will not tell you the truth -- you already know she's a liar.

[jenkins95]

I feel I don't need to know all the tiny details, I just want to know if there was more than just kissing and groping. And if not, is my marriage worth saving?

 

So are you saying that if it WAS more than kissing as groping, then you are definitely out? If so, sorry Dobber, but you may as well pack your bags (or her bags) right now. I think a more pertinent question is to ask yourself whether your marriage is worth saving in the light that age almost definitely did do a lot more than kissing and groping.

 

 

Is it still considered an affair if it was 4 or 5 kisses at work only?

 

It's up to you whether you want to consider it an affair or not it it was just 4 or 5 kisses - everyone is different. But read around here a while and you'll soon learn that much less than this - even just a few flirty text messages are considered an affair almost universally on this forum.

[Zona]

Also, I have not exposed the situation to his wife.

 

I could tell her either take the polygraph, or I tell his wife. I still have some leverage lol

 

If you've been in misery every minute of every day for the last 5 months, then obviously the status quo is not working for you.

 

You need to bring things to a head one way or the other. At this point, the only thing you have to lose is an (almost certainly) adulterous wife. Think of it as a gift that you don't already have kids.

 

Do women really meet up with their bosses late at night in a deserted parking lot to smoke weed and innocently talk about work? Especially a boss she has admitted to kissing deeply, tongue and all?

Edited June 8, 2017 by Zona

[Marc878]

Also, I have not exposed the situation to his wife.

 

I could tell her either take the polygraph, or I tell his wife. I still have some leverage lol

 

Bad move.

 

You tell his wife without warning. All you're doing is helping them hide their affair.

 

Look back. What has talking gotten you? Nothing.

 

Besides his wife maybe able to fill you in on some valuable info. She could be your best ally

[BluesPower]

Also, I have not exposed the situation to his wife.

 

I could tell her either take the polygraph, or I tell his wife. I still have some leverage lol

 

Why would she care... unless she is still seeing him. She will take the poly or you will file for divorce.

 

Why would you not expose to his wife, is she less of a human being than you? Does she somehow NOT DESERVE TO KNOW?

 

Brother, you are not thinking straight. If she does not want it exposed to his wife, she is still seeing him. Or it is soooo much worse than we all imagine.

 

Why have you not exposed it to his work and threatened a law suit. Is he somehow immune from consequences?

 

Does he not deserve some retributions for this at all?

 

Your wife is completely doing a number on your head in every way.

 

We kissed = We has wild monkey sex, the best sex I ever had, including anal and everything else.

 

You need to put a stop to this foolishness. She is playing you and you don't understand enough about affairs to understand what is going on...

[QuietDan]

Also, I have not exposed the situation to his wife.

 

I could tell her either take the polygraph, or I tell his wife. I still have some leverage lol

 

I appreciate how tough this is on you. How much pain you are in. How difficult this is for you.

 

Don't you think his wife deserves to know also? You want to know the information , details, truth. Are you thinking his wife should remain blissfully ignorant?

[Marc878]

I should also mention, when I found out back in January, she literally walked around the house for weeks like a zombie. Uttering to herself "Oh my God, What have I done", "I can't live my life without you", "I don't want to start over", over and over like a broken record. Pacing back and forth, and even went on anti anxiety meds for over a month in fear of me leaving.

 

I feel I don't need to know all the tiny details, I just want to know if there was more than just kissing and groping. And if not, is my marriage worth saving? Is it still considered an affair if it was 4 or 5 kisses at work only? As mentioned before, she isn't budging any more.

 

Typical betrayed spouse syndrome. Even though you know what this is you choose denial. Mainly because the truth is to hard to take.

 

You'll live in limbo because all you've done is talk. She is judging by your inaction that this can be rug swept.

 

All cheaters lie, hide and deny.

[lunarnaut]

Get the polygraph. If she agrees, great. If she won't do it, you have your answer right there.

 

Let her know the type of questions you'll be asking her (i.e. Have you had sex with the OM?) Establish some questions that would be deal breakers for you. Everyone has different levels of deal breakers. Hell, my wife's EA was damn near the end of our marriage, and might still be. The polygraph she willing went to confirmed that there was no physical contact and never a physical meeting - and I'm still having trouble getting over her EA almost 10 months out from D-Day.

 

What I would NOT do is start to lie and pretend to have talked to the OM and claim to know everything. Be strong, assertive, honest and direct.

 

The poly will let you know the extent of the physical relationship, and you can make a determination whether or not to stay based on that. There are a lot of people expressing their opinions regarding what she's done physically based on her reactions and actions in the whole situation. I will say that some, myself included, may project our own experiences onto yours, but each situation and person is very different. It's entirely possible that kissing and groping was the extent of the situation, but it's equally possible that it's much worse.

 

I wish you luck. Remember, that some people are capable of change, and sometimes good people do wicked things. Rarely does anyone deserve to be cheated on and disrespected in this way. You have a tough choice to make. Get the poly, and at least make an informed decision about your future.

[Birdies]

She is lying about everything...

 

They have been having sex for a while, no doubt about it.

 

Schedule a poly and do not tell her until it is time to take her to the appt.

 

She will freak out and she will say they had sex one time or just oral. She is lying. Take her to the poly no matter how much she protests.

 

On the way there you will get more confessions and none of it will be the truth.

 

They have been screwing at work or when they pretend to work late. One reason you are so torn up is that your gut is telling you that she is lying and your ears are hearing something different.

 

Your not stupid, think about it, would you mess with a girl and not screw her if you were him.

 

1) schedule poly...

2) inform his wife, the affair is probably still going on a some level.

3) inform HR at old job, and let them know you are filing a lawsuit for loss of affection yada yada... this will prob get him fired.

4) File for divorce...

 

Again, she is lying about everything. We have all been around long enough to know what is going on.

 

One of your poly questions should be how many times they have had sex and has she slept with anyone but you and him since you two have been a couple. Not married but as a couple, I assure you that she has...

 

THIS. And just a note, if you file for divorce, you don't have to follow through. You can tell her she has ONE chance to be honest with you, via a polygraph, and you will CONSIDER reconciling. But this will shake her up enough to know that you are serious.

 

Look, cheaters lie, and get stuck in a lie, and will try to cover their ass for as long as possible. I had a long-term affair and I told my husband all of these same things. It was nothing, oh it was just one kiss, oh we just slept together once and it was done, etc. None of that was true Please don't believe her.

[doyathinkso]

Why have you not talked to the other guy's wife yet? She can probably tell you a whole lot more than you know already, if not immediately then most certainly after she's had a chance to go ballistic on her cheating husband.

[KatieLaw]

37 is just so young. It's really a non-issue. I'm much older than you and am thinking about walking out the door.

 

I don't like her comment to you about breaking up if you don't trust her. It seems very manipulative - almost a threat.

 

I did tell H about his poly and got 3 different parking lot confessions starting the day before the actual test. My, how his story changed from the first story I got!

 

Best of luck to you.

[aliveagain]

Fellow Canadian, expose to his wife, she deserves the truth and by withholding the truth from her you in essence become an accomplice and part of their deception. Demand a polygraph, very often just driving to the test facility will get you a parking lot confession, happens all the time when they know that divorce is on the table. Your wife knows you will probably divorce her if she tells you the truth, that's why she refuses to tell you that sex happened. There are many great facilities for testing here in Canada, I guess that depends on where you live.

 

We are no fault here in Canada, no children are involved and the fact that you are only married a year you may be able to have the marriage annulled which is much cheaper then the cost of divorcing. Reading your post all I got from your wife is bla, bla, bla, me, me, me, bullsh*t, bullsh*t, bullsh*t, get over it, sweep, sweep, sweep. Her actions do not match her words and the first thing we tell you here after "talk to a lawyer" is believe nothing that comes out of her mouth, believe her actions. A wayward spouse that won't do everything necessary to help you heal is not worth being married to.

Edited June 8, 2017 by aliveagain

[GoldenR]

Do not let her turn it around on you with her "drop it or I should just divorce you" act. Next time she says that, say maybe you're right let's get divorced and then see what she says.

[QuietDan]

There is still good chance the affair is still underway. They have changed tactics to do a better job at hidding it from you. Or, it is in an on again, off again, back and forth cycle. If it hasn't already been mentioned, look into getting a voice activated recorder to hide in the car. Probably under the drivers seat. Maybe a few other hidden locations were she thinks she is alone and can have a private conversation with someone. She probably already has another phone that you don't know about and she doesn't have to worry about you having access to call history or billing info/data.

At this point in time, she doesn't appear to be serious about trying to save or repair her relationship with you.

[Dobber80]

Well here goes.

 

I asked her if she really wanted to get through this and heal, she said yes absolutely. I told her I feel as though I can't move on, because I still feel she is hiding things from me, and if she can't be fully honest, then I can't even begin to reconcile. She then said it's all in my head, and she blames herself because of the way she trickled the truth to me in the beginning, so now I certainly can't trust her and I will always question if there's more.

 

I told her to ease my mind and prove she's telling me everything by taking a polygraph. At first she said, sure no problem. But then she realized I was serious and her tone quickly changed.

 

She says that's the craziest thing she's ever heard and I'm taking this way too far. I told her how much this would ease my mind, and help me heal and in turn would help our marriage. She kept saying I'm crazy, and would not take part in this nonsense.

 

We then argued about everything, had a fight as to why she wouldn't participate in the polygraph, then she packed her suitcase and left for work in tears. She said she loves me with all her heart, but I pushed her too far, and she can't take it anymore. Unbelievable, I'm at a loss for words.

Edited June 8, 2017 by Dobber80

[BluesPower]

That is your answer right there...

 

She will stay at a hotel tonight and her OM will meet her there.

 

File for divorce...