Affair nipped in the bud, BUT

[WhatToDoKiddies]

Honestly, my opinion is that it's never too late.

 

Not that I think you should rekindle the relationship, as he is married. And there are no guarantees that you will be able to repair hurt feelings. But you have such regret over the way you handled things, that I think you won't be able to rest unless you reach out. Why not do it?

 

I assume that you have the ability to contact him. Who knows, it may give him answers that he's been seeking as well. If you can reach out safely, let him know what happened, while still maintaining your firm boundaries. Just tell him you did need the relationship to end, but you regret how it ended; and your purpose is to provide the answers you didn't before, if not for his sake, for your own. If you can do this in writing so he doesn't have to speak with you, I think that's better. If you don't hear from him, that's fine. You can move on.

 

Some may say it would be better to let it die, that it may hurt more for you to resurrect this. But there are just as many on the other side who would really have wished for just this kind of explanation. I think you need to decide what's best for YOU.

 

And no, I don't see him as some sort of predator that groomed you. I think he got carried away, as you did.

Such a kind note! Thank you, this was comforting. It's funny, I know him to be a kind and thoughtful person, so in my head, I think he is as forgiving and open as your note implies. It must be guilt or something that makes me afraid to send it, to fear his reaction. My head says he would be happy and grateful to finally hear from me, but my heart has its doubts that are very difficult to disregard. Thank you again.

[WhatToDoKiddies]

sorry for the loss of your hubby. And congratulations in NOT becoming this married mans side piece. You were vulnurable since the loss of your husband and he tried to take advantage of that. Hes a sick predator and probably is a serial cheater. When a married man lures a woman into an affair he sees her is a disposable piece of human garbage.. Youre too good for that nonsense

Thank you for the condolences. I'm just going to have to disagree with your sentiment. That is not the man I know. I think the truth is often nuanced and complicated, not so cut and dry.

[WhatToDoKiddies]

Things is, he is married, he has a wife, so he is not "desperate" to kiss you nor is he in any hurry to bed you, he can afford to wait...

That's almost what I was thinking. My life recently is a lesson in you never know what will happen. I'm not going to wait either, but I am in no hurry at this stage in my life. I see things differently than I used to. It sounds horrible to say out loud, but should life present us with an unexpected opportunity down the road, I don't want to regret what I did or failed to do today. It's important to make things right before it's too late. I just wish I was more confident about how to go about it.

 

Everybody has been very helpful, even reading the ones that I don't necessarily agree with. Thanks.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Let me ask you this question...if the roles were reversed...if his wife had died...and your husband were still alive but you became involved with this widowed man...how do you think your husband would react?...

 

You know deep within your soul that this relationship is wrong. If you had no doubt...you would not be here asking about it.

 

It is wrong on every level. There is no excuse...no reason...no justifying..no validating

 

You are messing with another woman's husband..I dont care how unhappy he is...I dont care what he tells you his intentions are. It is WRONG...there is no middle ground.

 

You are old enough to know better...and if this had been done to you... you would be singing a different song.

 

Put your head on straight and do the right thing. Good grief....

 

Cut all ties of every kind to this man...block him in every way he can contact you. There are plenty of single men looking for a beautiful new bride....go find one. Leave this man alone and if he doesnt leave you alone tell his wife who she is married to. She deserves to know.

 

I cannot believe you are even contemplating this....

[Aqulesco]

Thank you for the condolences. I'm just going to have to disagree with your sentiment. That is not the man I know. I think the truth is often nuanced and complicated, not so cut and dry.

 

Affairs never end well. what do you want out of this? A man who broke his vows for some kissing? A man will say and do anything for sex.

 

Be honorable for the memory of your husband. He wouldnt want you to take this further. You know this in your heart

[WhatToDoKiddies]

Affairs never end well. what do you want out of this? A man who broke his vows for some kissing? A man will say and do anything for sex.

 

Be honorable for the memory of your husband. He wouldnt want you to take this further. You know this in your heart

I don't think you read my entire post. I'm not looking to take anything further. I just want a return to normalcy. I can be normal, I'm no longer tempted.

[WhatToDoKiddies]

Let me ask you this question...if the roles were reversed...if his wife had died...and your husband were still alive but you became involved with this widowed man...how do you think your husband would react?...

 

You know deep within your soul that this relationship is wrong. If you had no doubt...you would not be here asking about it.

 

It is wrong on every level. There is no excuse...no reason...no justifying..no validating

 

You are messing with another woman's husband..I dont care how unhappy he is...I dont care what he tells you his intentions are. It is WRONG...there is no middle ground.

 

You are old enough to know better...and if this had been done to you... you would be singing a different song.

 

Put your head on straight and do the right thing. Good grief....

 

Cut all ties of every kind to this man...block him in every way he can contact you. There are plenty of single men looking for a beautiful new bride....go find one. Leave this man alone and if he doesnt leave you alone tell his wife who she is married to. She deserves to know.

 

I cannot believe you are even contemplating this....

I am having so much trouble responding to your note. I don't know that the relationship is wrong. I know that the relationship we were building is wrong, but that doesn't mean the rest of it is wrong, at least not from my point of view. It remains to be seen from his. But what you suggest we do is exactly where we are and it feels abnormal, forced. I'm not sure you understand what I am contemplating.

 

Tell me something. If you did what I have done, would you no longer be able to trust yourself to behave properly with this man if you were unseparated and unsupervised? Forget what he might do, forget what the spouses think, forget everybody in the world except for you. Do you really need to separate yourself so completely in order to resist temptation?

 

The only way I can explain it to you is to say that I don't need that in order to behave myself in the future. It is not a matter of temptation for me. I cannot undo the past, but I have recognized my error, and I am beyond it. That is what I know deep down in my soul. I will never do that again, not because of anyone else, but because of me. If you can understand that, then you understand me.

 

If it was my husband with another woman, that is ultimately what I hope he could give me. That would be far more valuable than remorse or rules or anything else I can imagine. I would be disappointed if he needed to be sequestered in order to be trusted, because to me, that would not represent trust at all. That would be a self-appointed prison, and I would be forever fearful he might one day either decide or be tempted to escape. If you are free, there is no need to escape. I'm not sure how I'd know this about him, but I don't need to deal with it. I already know where I stand. That's not my issue at all.

 

No, I am troubled by something else entirely. I fear I may have damaged a friendship that merely needed some course correction. You might be right, and I might be wrong. Time will tell, but either way it goes, I have no worries about me, and I remain hopeful that I am right about him. I don't know how to make my amends. That's what I'm asking about.

 

I wish you the gift of peace.

[AlwaysGrowing]

But you are not his wife.

 

His wife might feel like others here.

 

That your "friendship" had its trial run...and you both crossed boundaries. She might not want to give "you" another chance.

 

That is not to say that ALL women are off limits...just the ones that have shown that they cross boundaries.

 

That is a natural consequence for crossing the line in the first place. You have forfeited the position of "I'm only a friend".

 

You cant undone a done bun.

Edited June 7, 2017 by AlwaysGrowing

[Aqulesco]

I don't think you read my entire post. I'm not looking to take anything further. I just want a return to normalcy. I can be normal, I'm no longer tempted.

 

normal is long gone. Hes got you thinking. look at the forum you are posting in "other". He probably thinks about you when he masterbates and will try to bed you as soon as possible from here on out if there is any more contact. The relationship crossed the line. It cant go back. Its like trying to put poop back in your butt. Its possible, but it will be difficult, unnecessary and without purpose. Plus the gross smell on your hands.

 

You sound attractive, smart, funny, charming. Find an unattached man. Its not true that all the good ones are taken.

[Birdies]

Yeah, I agree with the others. I'm not judging you for what you two did. But clearly you should be able to understand that once you've had a sexual relationship with a married man (which is what it is when you're making out) - you can't go back to just being friends with him. Not because you two won't be able to control yourself in the future, although that may also be the case - but because it's still an emotional affair and extremely unfair to his wife.

[JuneL]

Unfortunately, once that line has been crossed, there is no going back to have a purely platonic friendship. The nature of your "friendship" will forever been changed.

[Southern Sun]

Let me ask you this question...if the roles were reversed...if his wife had died...and your husband were still alive but you became involved with this widowed man...how do you think your husband would react?...

 

You know deep within your soul that this relationship is wrong. If you had no doubt...you would not be here asking about it.

 

It is wrong on every level. There is no excuse...no reason...no justifying..no validating

 

You are messing with another woman's husband..I dont care how unhappy he is...I dont care what he tells you his intentions are. It is WRONG...there is no middle ground.

 

You are old enough to know better...and if this had been done to you... you would be singing a different song.

 

Put your head on straight and do the right thing. Good grief....

 

Cut all ties of every kind to this man...block him in every way he can contact you. There are plenty of single men looking for a beautiful new bride....go find one. Leave this man alone and if he doesnt leave you alone tell his wife who she is married to. She deserves to know.

 

I cannot believe you are even contemplating this....

 

So confused by this. What are you suggesting she's contemplating? What "right thing" does she still need to do?

 

She already recognized that the relationship was wrong, which is why she cut him off, cold turkey. She is just here talking about HOW she did it, feeling regretful of hurting someone she cared about, wondering if there is something she can do about it now. I don't read into her posts ANYTHING about rekindling this affair.

 

Right?

[Southern Sun]

I don't think the OP is even talking about trying to maintain the friendship any longer. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the tone from her posts indicates she knows that ship has sailed. In addition, there is no need to tell her to "end" something she has already ended quite firmly. From what I'm reading, she only wants to know if there is room to apologize for the way she handled the ending, if that is even the right thing to do, or if she should just move on.

 

I don't mean to speak for you, OP. I just don't like seeing a string of posts that seem to be heading in a wrong direction (my opinion).

[Birdies]

The only way I can explain it to you is to say that I don't need that in order to behave myself in the future. It is not a matter of temptation for me. I cannot undo the past, but I have recognized my error, and I am beyond it.

 

I fear I may have damaged a friendship that merely needed some course correction.

 

I don't think you read my entire post. I'm not looking to take anything further. I just want a return to normalcy. I can be normal, I'm no longer tempted.

 

Southern Sun, I think this is what the string of posts are referring to. She seems to want a "normal" friendship with the guy again. Seems a) impossible and b) wrong to many of us.

 

Again, no judgement from me - I was involved in an affair on both sides and I understand how it can happen. But one of the consequences is that you can't go back to being just friends.

[WhatToDoKiddies]

But you are not his wife.

 

His wife might feel like others here.

 

That your "friendship" had its trial run...and you both crossed boundaries. She might not want to give "you" another chance.

 

That is not to say that ALL women are off limits...just the ones that have shown that they cross boundaries.

 

That is a natural consequence for crossing the line in the first place. You have forfeited the position of "I'm only a friend".

 

You cant undone a done bun.

That's a fair comment, except it presumes that she knows. I'm not going to tell her, I don't see how that will help anything. He may, he may have already for all I know, but it's up to him to do that.

 

If she puts a restriction on him, or he puts one on himself, that's fine, I can live with that, and I'll respect it.

[WhatToDoKiddies]

normal is long gone. Hes got you thinking. look at the forum you are posting in "other". He probably thinks about you when he masterbates and will try to bed you as soon as possible from here on out if there is any more contact. The relationship crossed the line. It cant go back. Its like trying to put poop back in your butt. Its possible, but it will be difficult, unnecessary and without purpose. Plus the gross smell on your hands.

 

You sound attractive, smart, funny, charming. Find an unattached man. Its not true that all the good ones are taken.

Oh my. plus extra words

[WhatToDoKiddies]

Yeah, I agree with the others. I'm not judging you for what you two did. But clearly you should be able to understand that once you've had a sexual relationship with a married man (which is what it is when you're making out) - you can't go back to just being friends with him. Not because you two won't be able to control yourself in the future, although that may also be the case - but because it's still an emotional affair and extremely unfair to his wife.

"still" meaning ongoing, meaning the emotions still exist?

[WhatToDoKiddies]

Unfortunately, once that line has been crossed, there is no going back to have a purely platonic friendship. The nature of your "friendship" will forever been changed.

I think in reality, this is right. We'll never be as chummy as we were, even before this most recent debacle.

[jah526]

will try to bed you as soon as possible from here on out if there is any more contact.

 

FWIW, this has been my experience. YMMV. I've tried to go back countless times to trying to be friends and every single time the conversation quickly turns to attempts to go back to my place. Be wary if you contact him again. You may find yourself standing up against strong rationalizations on his part. Eventually it may break you down and you'll cave, despite your best intentions.

[WhatToDoKiddies]

FWIW, this has been my experience. YMMV. I've tried to go back countless times to trying to be friends and every single time the conversation quickly turns to attempts to go back to my place. Be wary if you contact him again. You may find yourself standing up against strong rationalizations on his part. Eventually it may break you down and you'll cave, despite your best intentions.

I will refer you to post #32, paragraph 3.

[WhatToDoKiddies]

I don't think the OP is even talking about trying to maintain the friendship any longer. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the tone from her posts indicates she knows that ship has sailed. In addition, there is no need to tell her to "end" something she has already ended quite firmly. From what I'm reading, she only wants to know if there is room to apologize for the way she handled the ending, if that is even the right thing to do, or if she should just move on.

 

I don't mean to speak for you, OP. I just don't like seeing a string of posts that seem to be heading in a wrong direction (my opinion).

I don't really wish to PURSUE anything new, I just want to make some kind of amends for the way I behaved. If that leaves us not speaking to each other, then I guess that's the way it is. It doesn't have to be warm, but it doesn't have to be ice cold either. There's a middle ground. NORMAL. One way or the other, the day is coming when we bump into each other in a group of friends. People will wonder why we are circling around each other in avoidance. I don't want those questions asked. I don't want to answer them.

 

I have to say, what gives me pause is what I've read here. I wonder if the general population thinks this way, specifically, if HE thinks this way, and maybe it isn't the best idea to contact him. Or maybe this forum is unusually dominated by a population of reformed sinners and/or people whose lives have been damaged by affairs. Not to absolve myself of wrongdoing, but I've read some of the stories, and they are far, far egregiously worse than anything I've ever done.

 

I'm still unclear about the best direction to go. What will cause the least social awkwardness? Silence until we see each other or should I reach out, and see if I can smooth any ruffled feathers beforehand? I don't know.

[DKT3]

I haven't read every post here, but I wanted to comment on something, it seems that you feel your cheating on your husband ( sorry for your lost). I'm curious, taking away the fact that he is a MM, do you believe this would be an issue with a single man? It's a sign you're simply not ready to be in the dating world.

 

As far as MM....it honestly seems to me that you what to feel a connection (romantic) but haven't let your husband go. Wanting to remain friends is a mistake, even if he wasn't married. We're he single it would be unfair to someone since You're just not ready. I think it would be wise to inform MM of boundaries, that you don't want awkwardness, but also not a semi-retired friendship. Then hold yourself accountable if you leave a crack.

[WhatToDoKiddies]

I haven't read every post here, but I wanted to comment on something, it seems that you feel your cheating on your husband ( sorry for your lost). I'm curious, taking away the fact that he is a MM, do you believe this would be an issue with a single man? It's a sign you're simply not ready to be in the dating world.

 

As far as MM....it honestly seems to me that you what to feel a connection (romantic) but haven't let your husband go. Wanting to remain friends is a mistake, even if he wasn't married. We're he single it would be unfair to someone since You're just not ready. I think it would be wise to inform MM of boundaries, that you don't want awkwardness, but also not a semi-retired friendship. Then hold yourself accountable if you leave a crack.

Hi, thank you. Not cheating, exactly, but maybe more like I'm not ready to let it go completely. Would it feel that way with someone else? I don't know, one thing I have learned is that just as everybody is different, every attraction is different. Maybe I'm not sure how to love my husband and somebody else. I don't believe I will ever not love my husband, so I don't know how to answer that. Maybe it's that I was attracted to somebody who is unavailable, and that factored into it. Yes, it would probably be an issue with anybody. But a year ago, I couldn't see myself coming as far as I've come. So who knows? Thank you for your thoughts.

[reboot]

Or maybe this forum is unusually dominated by a population of reformed sinners and/or people whose lives have been damaged by affairs.

 

Nail meet hammer

[Ragnara]

You suddenly stopped all communication leaving your friend to guess what went wrong. You guys had a great friendship that went a bit too far. You can get your friend back if you would just level with him. He was left with an unexplained feeling of rejection. That's why he is so upset. If you want to salvage the friendship (and you can), you're going to have to contact him and just tell him what happened. Let him know you're not ok with the romance. Let him know how much you value his friendship. Whatever you do, don't leave him guessing. If his intentions were in fact predatory in nature, he will snub you. And, probably be quite rude bout it. Don't take it personally. If he is relieved to have his friend back, that will become obvious as well. Communication is key in any relationship, platonic or otherwise. When you suddenly stopped talking, he was left to speculate as to why.

 

I commend you for stopping the infidelity. That was the right thing to do. Stick to your guns.