Ow not moving fwd!

[pheonixrisen]

This might very well be true.

 

It might also be true that she is contacting the op's husband to hurt the op. Why else include details he knows aren't true?

 

If this is the case, knowing the A is over for good won't change anything, as it's not really about that anymore. It's about trying to hurt his wife, who the ow may see as being the cause of her pain.

 

OP,

It will likely be really painful, but if you can go through the messages in your mind, what do you think their purpose really is? To restart the A? To hurt your H? To hurt you? All of these?

 

If she was seeing the situation clearly, then talking with her and explaining the A is over for good could be helpful. This might work with a logical mind that was thinking clearly, and would be a sensible step to take. The ow in this situation isn't showing signs of logical thinking, and more support might be needed to help her move on.

 

I think it's a bit of both ...initially when love msgs was coming in she had no idea he was showing me ...till one day I msged back and said what's the matter with you he is married he has a child .

 

Since then the msgs have been overtly dramatic it's not I love you anymore it's more like to my most loved and adored one followed with what she would like to do to him that day with all kind of baby names that I normally would tell my toddler

 

Her msgs ranges from sending him links to article work related to our business or love or direct one where is his happiness...or if he is happy this question is the most often ..to her schedule that day to naked pictures with close up shots of things you really don't want to see ..or just how she is waiting for him that day and how she cannot wait to do things to his body ...

 

He did talk with her in front of me which did not end well she was not listening she had a but for all his sentence till he started shouting and abusing and said to stay away from him and his family ..he said to me thier is really no point she just sees me as I am in the way .as though I do not exist as I am just a hurdle to overcome so they can end up together .

 

He also told me and our marriage counsellor irrespective of the fact that I am in his life or not she is not a woman he wants to end up with or marry ...

[pheonixrisen]

For your husband to respond angrily at your very reasonable offer to the OW, that she could have him, speaks volumes about his true feelings. If he were really trying sincerely to get her off his back, he should be very happy at what you did. But he's not. As someone said above, the reasonable assumption is that he's still trying to play the game with her and you made that false story untenable. He's angry because he knows he's going to have to work HARD to get her back in line with a new twist.......let me help him......aahhh, it's coming.... "Darling OW, my BW pretends like she's willing to let me go, but in fact that's just her game and she's also told me if I ever leave her she will <do some horrible thing>. She's just trying to play with your mind because she can't stand the thought of me being so happy with you.

Don't be taken in by her stories, you are my one true lover and my only happiness!"

 

There. That should hold 'er for a while.

 

Hmmm let's say for conversation purpose I go with your theory ...which reading some stories here don't seem bizarre...in time one or other story is out ...and then I am gone ....problem solved if he wants her he is more that welcome to her with cherries on top ...

 

I am not sure how many more of you are there interpreting this wrongly my post said he is not upset I msged i have done it before he does not say anything ...i wonder if you and Elaine would be mad if your husband offered you up on a platter to other man without asking you or making you part of conversation like you were a piece of meat to be offered .

 

If my dh did that too me offered me up like that I would be raging mad.i am my own person who is in charge of my own life nobody has the rights to offer me to any one ..i am sure my dh feels the same it's his choice to leave not mine to offer him to someone ...

[pheonixrisen]

My H OW was a little crazy & continued to bother him after dday...I took a different approach. I told him I didn't want to hear about it, that he created the mess for himself & if he didn't want her & she kept bother him, that's part of his own penitence.

 

I knew he didn't want her or love her, so I could care aless how many times she contacted him. So I refused to deal with her drama. If you really don't think he wants her, why bother looking at every message? We can not control someone's behavior but we can control how we deal with it. If this is causing you stress, why stress yourself out by continuing to deal with it the same way over & over again.

 

Men don't like desperately or harassment...they run as away from it as fast as they can. If you sit back & let this woman know that nothing she's doing is getting to you as a couple...she'll stop. Right now you're playing into what she wants, like a child, don't give her not one once of attention. Good luck

 

Thank you you are right this is a different way to look at it ...i think this would be a better preference for me to move forward in dealing with it ...its not going anywhere so this would be the best way to deal with it ...it would require my focus to change my perspective...as I am used to controlling now everything but I do believe this might be the best way forward

[OneLov]

OP,

 

I agree with Whoknew on this one. I think the reason for her persistent contact is for revenge, and you are unfortunately collateral damage. She wants to destroy his life like he destroyed hers.

 

Although I agree it's his mess to clean up, I think it will continue as long as she perceives her interference is affecting your marriage. If your husband acts nonchalant and communicates he is indifferent to her constant contact, she will likely go away. The more emotional of a reaction from your husband or yourself, the harder she will press. Everytime he blows up at her, the more she says to herself, "gotcha!"

[wmacbride]

I think it's a bit of both ...initially when love msgs was coming in she had no idea he was showing me ...till one day I msged back and said what's the matter with you he is married he has a child .

 

Since then the msgs have been overtly dramatic it's not I love you anymore it's more like to my most loved and adored one followed with what she would like to do to him that day with all kind of baby names that I normally would tell my toddler

 

Her msgs ranges from sending him links to article work related to our business or love or direct one where is his happiness...or if he is happy this question is the most often ..to her schedule that day to naked pictures with close up shots of things you really don't want to see ..or just how she is waiting for him that day and how she cannot wait to do things to his body ...

 

He did talk with her in front of me which did not end well she was not listening she had a but for all his sentence till he started shouting and abusing and said to stay away from him and his family ..he said to me thier is really no point she just sees me as I am in the way .as though I do not exist as I am just a hurdle to overcome so they can end up together .

 

He also told me and our marriage counsellor irrespective of the fact that I am in his life or not she is not a woman he wants to end up with or marry ...

 

It's sounds very much like what I said above. It's not about hurting him...she wants to hurt you. She is aware you see what she sends, so the more over the top and dramatic, the better.

Been there, done that, don't want the t-shirt:laugh:

 

My husband's ex-ow was the same way ( but worse) and ten years later, she still pops up. I realized it's not about the A anymore, and never really was.

 

If you and your family can move to another country with different laws, and if she chooses to follow you, then you might be able to report her there.

 

If I'm wrong, and she just wants"closure", I would suggest the following. Set up a gmail or other web based account,and make her aware that it will be her one chance to send a final letter to your H or you. Give her a specific date to send the message, and let her know that after that date, the account will be closed ( or you will not longer visit it). It will be her last chance to say anything, and if she continues contact after that, she will be reported.

 

Keep copies of the messages sent to her, and any she sends back. This way, you will have set parameters for the interaction, and if she chooses not to stick to them, that's on her.

 

If worst comes to worst, and she doesn't stop sending the r-rated photos, report her to her cellular carrier or other phone service provider. Tell them that she is sending unwanted and sexually graphic materials over the phone.

 

Whatever her problems may be, you can't help her. She has to do that for herslef and it doesn't sound like she's willing.

[BluesPower]

I will add this...

 

It is hard to say whether or not he is encouraging her or talking to her. It really does not sound like it to me.

 

I can say this. One of my AP's who I was with, and who became a GF of mine after I divorced for other reasons... And who I had to break up with because she started getting crazy... Absolutely will not get over me and our brake up.

 

She basically hates me and wants me back at the same time. Like I said, crazy.

 

And like your situation, she is completely pissing off the new GF and she just will not stop.

 

I have been as plain and clear with her as I can. I have asked for no contact, told her that we are done forever, and on and on.

 

She just will not stop...

 

So it really could be the OW who is just not letting go.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

What nationality is the OW? I ask because of where you live. Considing where you live is she insane?

 

Bye the way I suspect, like in all societies, there are two judicial realities. I suspect for her she is on a tightrope between the two. The possible legal reconcusions are best case for her.

 

At this point how hard would it be for her to prove adultery? If it came to it would it be pretty much he said, she said? Yes texts are damming but can be spun. What else is there?

[pheonixrisen]

You have every right to feel this way. Your story is frightening to me...I cannot imagine haveing to RUN from a crazy woman.

 

Thank you i feel frightened my self some time ...about this whole situation the weight of it can be quite overwhelming at times.its 4 years since Dday but sometimes I still feel I am trying to keep my head above water .

 

I don't want to feel I am running from a crazy woman ...moving away was always our bigger plan /option for future

When I posted I was feeling a bit overwhelmed today I feel better able to handle it .

 

The forum helps a lot to see other people handle on their situation what works successfully to move forward .

[pheonixrisen]

Hi,

 

What nationality is the OW? I ask because of where you live. Considing where you live is she insane?

 

Bye the way I suspect, like in all societies, there are two judicial realities. I suspect for her she is on a tightrope between the two. The possible legal reconcusions are best case for her.

 

At this point how hard would it be for her to prove adultery? If it came to it would it be pretty much he said, she said? Yes texts are damming but can be spun. What else is there?

 

She is European too .

 

I don't think anyone would be running to prove adultery in this country...its punishable by law for 3 to 5 years

 

But it's still a risk I don't want to take because I don't know very well the ow I don't know her conditioning in life of how rattled or clse to snapping she really is or how smart she really is

 

What I do know is this ?

She knows I am the wife she knows my dh shows me the msgs ..so it must cross her mind I might be saving those msgs /pics etc...she know if needs be I can create quite some trouble for her but that actually does not stop her from sending them ...so I am guessing either there is no self preservation or she is smart enough to know I would not be going to do any reporting as that would by default than put my dh behind bars too ...i would be doing or even considering no such thing .

[elaine567]

As adultery is illegal where you live, could you also be in trouble with the law as you know about the affair and have not reported it?

[SummerDreams]

I'm not gonna tell you the normal stuff you'd expect to hear like "oh my poor girl, how shame this is happening to you" etc. I'll comment though on the following paragraph you wrote.

 

 

I am not sure if i explain this right but to send someone this pic even her msgs are quite dramatic like my husband is some kind of God like my most beautiful and hardworking you must be so tired I am going to kiss it all away and I look at him and I am like really he is a man who made a lot of mistakes who did a lot of wrong who successfully fooled 2 women for 18 months ...and thats the kind of pedestal you are going to put him on ...he dumped youfor his wife he abused you and is extremely rude to you and made it quite clear he basically ignores all your msgs all your calls ...and you are still at it why give him that place as though there is no consequences for what he did ..how does a man learn consequences? Boundaries ....i would rather she stands up and says you promised me I fell in love leave your wife or loose me ...and she will have her answers...then take a stand and move forward with your life this way you are looking like weak loose fool...just wasting away ....6 years ago the affair started 4 plus years since Dday and you are still sending him I love you and naked picture you are still standing still and he is moving on ...get some ****ing spine why make him feel he is the God. He is not

 

 

Isn't it weird that a stranger (even if she is crazy or whatever) thinks of your H more highly than you do? I mean, she knew him for 18 months, she has suffered cause of his (and her ofc) behavior but she shows she can forgive him and she truly loves him in her own way. Still you, his wife, who have lived together for way longer, you have a family, a kid, a business together, you seem more interested in making it a statement that your H is NOT a God, he is NOT perfect, in fact he is a jerk rather than getting to trust him again. You admit you don't trust him and I do understand the reason and I sympathise with you but may I ask, and pardon my asking, why did you have a kid with him that early into the reconciliation and given the fact you did not (and still don't) trust him? You say you want your kid to have her father but isn't it absurd that her mother can't even trust her father and she gets angry at another woman calling him "a God"? I surely don't know what you've been through but I wanted to comment on what I found weird. Why did you have a kid with a man you don't trust or consider "a God"? And why are you still with him? Could it be your egoism so that the OW doesn't win? Is it a contest after all?

[pheonixrisen]

OP,

 

I agree with Whoknew on this one. I think the reason for her persistent contact is for revenge, and you are unfortunately collateral damage. She wants to destroy his life like he destroyed hers.

 

Although I agree it's his mess to clean up, I think it will continue as long as she perceives her interference is affecting your marriage. If your husband acts nonchalant and communicates he is indifferent to her constant contact, she will likely go away. The more emotional of a reaction from your husband or yourself, the harder she will press. Everytime he blows up at her, the more she says to herself, "gotcha!"

 

I believe this too ...she tried for a few days to get him back when she realised I am reading them I am sure she snapped she understood where his loyalty lies ...and now wants to make sure since he destroyed her his family unit does not survive as well .

[pheonixrisen]

I'm not gonna tell you the normal stuff you'd expect to hear like "oh my poor girl, how shame this is happening to you" etc. I'll comment though on the following paragraph you wrote.

 

 

 

Isn't it weird that a stranger (even if she is crazy or whatever) thinks of your H more highly than you do? I mean, she knew him for 18 months, she has suffered cause of his (and her ofc) behavior but she shows she can forgive him and she truly loves him in her own way. Still you, his wife, who have lived together for way longer, you have a family, a kid, a business together, you seem more interested in making it a statement that your H is NOT a God, he is NOT perfect, in fact he is a jerk rather than getting to trust him again. You admit you don't trust him and I do understand the reason and I sympathise with you but may I ask, and pardon my asking, why did you have a kid with him that early into the reconciliation and given the fact you did not (and still don't) trust him? You say you want your kid to have her father but isn't it absurd that her mother can't even trust her father and she gets angry at another woman calling him "a God"? I surely don't know what you've been through but I wanted to comment on what I found weird. Why did you have a kid with a man you don't trust or consider "a God"? And why are you still with him? Could it be your egoism so that the OW doesn't win? Is it a contest after all?

 

Your perspective is quite interesting and thank you for not treating me with oh poor girl me nonsense as I assure you I am nobodies victim I am exactly where I want to be .the ow is more of a annoyance than anything else ..that you just want to finish with and not bother

 

And to answers your other question

 

Yes I do think it's weird really psycho actually to treat a man like a God after everything said and done

 

Yes I do not trust him a 100 percent we are learning ever day ask me in 10 years may be I have a different ans

 

And yes I agreed to reconcile knowing i may not trust henceforth going forward it would be a hard road but may be it will be worth it its fed a learning curve for both of us so the jury isstill out on this one .who know going forward would be us growing old together with tons of our grandchildren around us ( yup I m a dreamer who believes in happy ending after a storm)

 

And yes you could say I am actually an egoistic person not to the detriment of others ...but yes I am what's mine remains mine till I take a decision otherwise ...and if that decision is removed from my hand I will still get up and walk away ..holding my self high ..like I said I am no one's victim .

[pheonixrisen]

As adultery is illegal where you live, could you also be in trouble with the law as you know about the affair and have not reported it?

 

No .I would not

[SummerDreams]

Your perspective is quite interesting and thank you for not treating me with oh poor girl me nonsense as I assure you I am nobodies victim I am exactly where I want to be .the ow is more of a annoyance than anything else ..that you just want to finish with and not bother

 

And to answers your other question

 

Yes I do think it's weird really psycho actually to treat a man like a God after everything said and done

 

Yes I do not trust him a 100 percent we are learning ever day ask me in 10 years may be I have a different ans

 

And yes I agreed to reconcile knowing i may not trust henceforth going forward it would be a hard road but may be it will be worth it its fed a learning curve for both of us so the jury isstill out on this one .who know going forward would be us growing old together with tons of our grandchildren around us ( yup I m a dreamer who believes in happy ending after a storm)

 

And yes you could say I am actually an egoistic person not to the detriment of others ...but yes I am what's mine remains mine till I take a decision otherwise ...and if that decision is removed from my hand I will still get up and walk away ..holding my self high ..like I said I am no one's victim .

 

Thank you for your reply. I'm glad to see such a strong woman who knows what she wants and how to get it. I do wish you things go as you want them to and you are happy. Good luck!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Phoenix, I liked the response you wrote with respect to SummerDreams. It shows that you are nobody's fool, not even your husband's. I wanted to ask you if your husband's FOW is single or married? If single how old is she? Is she about the same age as your husband? Also, In what context did they meet? Is she an ex colleague of his or did he meet her socially or was she a client of his former company?

 

Like I said before you and your husband should try and wind up your affairs as soon as possible and migrate and do not leave an etrail which she can pick up on. You can certainly do without all the drama that this lady has created. Warm wishes.

Edited May 28, 2017 by Just a Guy