Regarding the Other Man

[kgcolonel]

One additional thought. I don't remember seeing if the OM (per your thread name) is married. If he is, might consider advising his wife for entertainment....just saying..

[WilyWill]

If you have time, continue to gather evidence. This will help you make a more informed decision about reconciliation, and nip any of her lies in the bud.

 

Are they spending the night together? Going to hotels together at lunch? If you have the money to spend, a private investigator can get you this information in no time.

 

Is he still her boss? Share your evidence with the HR department at her employer. Employers frown on supervisors having close relationships with their underlings. At the very least, HR could make him uncomfortable enough to run for the hills. It's unlikely that your wife would get fired for it, because it exposes the company to liability.

 

As others have said, find out if the boss is married and share your evidence with his wife.

 

Do not inform your wife of your plans and never reveal your sources of information.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Zeno, sorry to see you here. You have not mentioned any specific details of your wife's affair. Did she confess on her own or did you catch her in the middle of it? When was your D Day? How long did the affair last? Is it over and has your wife expressed any desire from her side to reconcile or is the idea of reconciliation all yours only? Are you two actually physically separated, that is, are you living in two separate abodes or separated but living under the same roof? Have you got children and if so, how many and what are their ages? How long have you been married? All these answers will have a bearing of sorts on your decision to reconcile or divorce although the way you have written about your situation, divorce seems to be the way to go. Your wife does not seem to even be sorry about her infidelity let alone displaying remorse. Hope you can find the wherewith all to answer some of these questions. Warm wishes.

[S2B]

If you have young children you may also want to DNA test them...if she's been involved with her OM for any length of time it's possible he could be the bio Dad.

 

Have her served at work without any warning that you've filed...

 

I support looking out for your best interest - and your kids.

 

Your wife took vows...vows she's not honoring. Seems she's interested in being selfish and self serving instead of your wife and a Mother to her kids.

 

Since she's not fulfilling the role she promised to play...end it knowing she has no intention of being a faithful wife and Mom anymore.

 

Tell her she quit being the wife and Mom so you decided to end the relationship since you don't know who she is anymore.

 

I'm happy to see you don't plan to be her doormat - that never fixes any issues - it only leaves room for the disfunction to go on and on.

[alsudduth]

You should send her the book "Not just friends" with those divorce papers.

[HereNorThere]

I takes a brazen cheater to ask for a year off of the marriage to continue her affair. I've seen a lot of things but this takes the cake.

 

And yeah, her therapist wouldn't tell her that. Oh, and they've been sleeping together for a while now obviously.

Edited May 23, 2017 by HereNorThere

[mikeylo]

It is quite unbelievable. The guts !

 

Have her serve the divorce papers without any warning. Did she tell you that she was seeing another guy behind your back? Of course she told you now and is seeing him right in your face ! Just wow !

 

Once she receives the papers, she will cry, beg and plead but WILL continue to see the OM. That is 100% sure. And that too in your face. Yuck.

 

Find yourself a decent, moral woman.

[mikeylo]

She has shown you through her actions that she has absolutely no respect for you or your relationship whatsoever.

 

Please remember these words:

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

P.S. Time to get tested for STD's.

 

True. She doesn't respect herself as well. Once she is out of the fog , she won't be able to look herself in the mirror, hopefully!

 

Some people get caught up in an affair, etc but once it's out , keeping any further contact is mocking in your face and there is no justification.

[Bufo]

Even if you are not ready to file for divorce, I strongly recommend that you have an in-depth consultation with a local divorce attorney. You need to learn what divorce involves and what post-divorce looks like.

 

Knowledge is power, and you need some power here. Divorce must remain in your armory as a means to escape infidelity. Right now, you seem to be diving deeper into infidelity with true separation. As others have said, that gives her the chance for a long term "test drive" with OM.

 

And should you decide to file, do not concern yourself with the next June deadline. She didn't honor her promises to you when she decided to have an A, so you are not under any one-sided obligation to keep to the letter of your promises to you.

 

Different states have different rules about divorce. You need to learn from an attorney (and not armchair lawyers on the internet) what the prerequisites are. And how custody and support are determined. Get an idema of how property and debt will be decided. Learn whether your state is a at fault state, a no fault state, or some hybrid combination. Learn how to protect yourself from her incurring debt for which you may be responsible in the absence of taking proper steps. And, of course, there is always the issue of custody and household abandonment. In short, don't make life-changing mistakes now out of ignorance.

[SydCar]

Here is what I think you have done wrong and should address:

 

1. Her having contact with her affair partner - this is a HUGE NO NO!
    
    
   
2. One year is way too long for any kind of decision - max should be 1 week!
    
    
   
3. Wanting to reconcile with someone that is not sure after she has been the cheater - this is just wrong - she should be the one to want to reconcile and bending over backwards to make it happen
   

[wmacbride]

By giving her a year to figure it out you are basically saying to her that it's ok to eff around on you and get her jollies for a year then come back into her life with you.

 

Are you ok with that? Taking a break from fidelity?

 

 

I wouldn't be. I'd say as long as the OM is in her life then you aren't and if go ahead and file for divorce NOW (don't have to go thru with it all the way but get it filed and show her your serious)

 

If she wants to keep seeing him, then agree to an immediate separation , with you being allowed to have (warning...euphemism ahead:laugh:) "friends" the same way she does.

 

How do you think she'd feel about that?

[Just a Guy]

So what happened? Any updates? Warm wishes.

[JessicaHRea]

If she wants any kind of reconciliation, she would definitely cut ties with the other dude.

 

However, I'm fixing to go through the same thing because right now there hasn't been any type of infidelity in my marriage, but have been talking to a great guy friend from work. My husband thought there was something going on and there hasn't been anything going on. We have went through marriage counseling and it worked for a little bit, but not a whole lot and this was after our first miscarriage. Even after we got married, my husband would always bring up the "D" word and even now he says it. We now have two kids together and I am planning on telling him to move out for a while once the kids are fully potty trained because I deal with me snapping at him and there are some things he has to change as well. As far as him moving out, it has nothing to do with any other guy, it just been happening for a while. Another thing, I really don't think my husband actually cares anymore.

[Clay]

If she wants any kind of reconciliation, she would definitely cut ties with the other dude.

 

However, I'm fixing to go through the same thing because right now there hasn't been any type of infidelity in my marriage, but have been talking to a great guy friend from work. My husband thought there was something going on and there hasn't been anything going on. We have went through marriage counseling and it worked for a little bit, but not a whole lot and this was after our first miscarriage. Even after we got married, my husband would always bring up the "D" word and even now he says it. We now have two kids together and I am planning on telling him to move out for a while once the kids are fully potty trained because I deal with me snapping at him and there are some things he has to change as well. As far as him moving out, it has nothing to do with any other guy, it just been happening for a while. Another thing, I really don't think my husband actually cares anymore.

 

You will never know if the other guy has anything to do with your issues or the way your thinking as long as your talking to him. Imagine the shoe on the other foot and your husband wont cut out a woman that you feel uncomfortable with. Your telling him that you friendship is more important than your marriage. You can divorce separate from him or even divorce him but if you do then do it on a even footing. Don't do it with another man waiting to get a chance with you. Don't think for a moment that man is just your friend.

 

Go read "Not Just Friends" by Jean Coppock Staeheli. This will help give you a idea of what your doing.

 

The grass is greener where you water it. If your spending time with this other man instead of investing your time into your husband then of course he is going to feel on the outside.

 

You should start your own thread. There are plenty of great people that can help you here.

 

Clay

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear what has happened. Why did your wife want a separation - informal or otherwise? That is not usually the way one tries to mend a marriage.

 

If it was an emotional affair, this guy is at least a friend to her. Cutting off a friend entirely would be difficult. It would seem heartless. It would also be hard to upset one's spouse. If the spouse insisted on you cutting all ties with a friend who you had not had a physical affair with, that might seem controlling. Though one can completely understand a spouse wanting to be sure the other guy was completely off the scene.

 

The problem is your wife has become emotionally attached to someone else. She is not staying with you and fighting to stay with you. She has moved out. She does not want to lose touch with the other guy. I don't know what their relationship is really or why it didn't become physical. Is it because he was not available to her in that way?

 

If you have been controlling, monitoring her and insisting she cut off all ties with this guy, I can sort of understand her resenting that and feeling that you do not trust her. That might make her want a temporary separation. If you have not been like this, it looks like her attachment to the other guy is sufficient that she is not going to fight for her marriage. I am really sorry OP.

 

Personally, I would not give her a year to make up her mind - a month maybe.

[JessicaHRea]

Where can I post that, but I promise you it has nothing to do with the other guy. It's been like this since like 2010 I guess and there was no other person in the middle of us at all. Thank you clay.

[Bufo]

Find out from a lawyer in your locale how long a divorce takes if contested and uncontested. Be hopeful it's about a year. So when she goes ballistic on you that you have gone back on your word of giving her a year, explain that the divorce you have filed and had served in her that it will take until next June or so finalize he divorce if that is where the marriage is headed.

 

Otherwise you have given her a pass to cheat for a year and take her lover for a test drive

 

BTW who is paying for what during this separation? I hope it's not you!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, the last post by the OP was on the 23 May. It is now almost a month and he has not returned to give any updates. He might have just sucked it up and decided on a unilateral reconciliation. Maybe the pressure from family and friends was too much for him and he caved. If he had taken proactive measures he would surely have returned to tell folks on here about it.

 

I guess you can't help someone who does'nt want to be helped. Zombie head comes to mind. Warm wishes.

[somanymistakes]

.... talk about leaping to conclusions.

 

It's bad enough how quickly we pass judgment on people in general based on knowing almost nothing about their situation, but passing judgment on them when they're not even here, assuming that therefore they must have done something you disapprove of..

[road]

As far as him moving out, it has nothing to do with any other guy, it just been happening for a while. Another thing, I really don't think my husband actually cares anymore.

 

Say's the spider to the fly. Standard WW justifying replacing her BH with

her OM.

 

You are having an EA with your Co-Worker. This is why you have feelings

for the OM.

[Overtaxed]

If she wants any kind of reconciliation, she would definitely cut ties with the other dude.

 

However, I'm fixing to go through the same thing because right now there hasn't been any type of infidelity in my marriage, but have been talking to a great guy friend from work. My husband thought there was something going on and there hasn't been anything going on. We have went through marriage counseling and it worked for a little bit, but not a whole lot and this was after our first miscarriage. Even after we got married, my husband would always bring up the "D" word and even now he says it. We now have two kids together and I am planning on telling him to move out for a while once the kids are fully potty trained because I deal with me snapping at him and there are some things he has to change as well. As far as him moving out, it has nothing to do with any other guy, it just been happening for a while. Another thing, I really don't think my husband actually cares anymore.

 

Jessica, please, listen to us (guys on here). You don't have a "great guy friend" from work. You have a guy who's trying to get emotionally close with you to sleep with you. We (guys) here all know that game, we've all played it many times. Look at the video I posted, it's just not in our makeup (guys) to be "friends" with a woman if there's any, ANY sexual attraction there at all. Sure, we can do it, but the friendship will be one sided, you there as a friend, him there waiting to be your sexual partner. It's not "equal footing" between men and women, not at all. You have something he deeply desires (sex) that's causing him to be your friend, I'm sad to say, it's not your long talks that he wants. I'm sure other men will drop by at some point and either confirm or deny this, but, trust me, it's true more often than not; guys simply don't seek out women for friendship if they aren't sexually interested in them.

 

"I don't think my husband actually cares for me anymore". <- Pure cheater (or soon to be cheater) speak. My W said exactly the same thing. I cared for her deeply, if you saw the actions in our marriage from the outside, you'd never question "this man loves you". But, once the affair justifications start (which happen long before sex in most cases), this statement becomes front and center in most WS's minds. Why don't you ask him if he cares? Why not let him decide; I'm thinking of having an A, and I wanted to know if you'd really care if I did. I suspect you won't, not because your afraid of what he'll do, but because you ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER. Of course he cares! If he didn't, he'd D you.

 

You're on a very slippery slope here. Keep it up, you will have an A. You will get D'ed, and do so under the worst possible circumstances for yourself. If you want a D, ask for one, don't have an A and "force his hand", trust me, even if it works, you'll never recover that part of yourself. Imagine dating after the D; "Why'd you and your H break up?". The only honest answer will be "I cheated on him". Think about the message that sends to guys! Either that or live as a liar for the rest of your life? Come on, if you want a D, do it, don't do this to yourself and to him.

[BluesPower]

Jessica...

 

Every single thing that Overtaxed wrote is the complete truth in every way. I have done it countess times myself.

 

If I was this guy at work, you and I would already be sleeping together. Yes I know you would never do that. Oh yes you can. He is grooming you for one of his sexual partners.

 

Stay away!!! If you want out of your marriage then file for divorce, it is the only respectable way to do it...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jessica, if you are wondering whether you are posting in the right sub forum then I think you are. You could also look at the 'Marriage and life Partnerships' forum to post your thread. Good luck and warm wishes.